DAY 1: GEOLOGICAL DEDUCTION (Wester-Ross)
Allt nan Uamh (The Bone Caves)
Referring to the bones found within, these cave once provided shelter for animals and humans alike (probably not at the same time - talk about an annoying roommate!) during a colder climatological era. To get here, you’ll pass waterfalls and remains of huts that were once used to tend to animals but were abandoned. (Maybe that’s how they ended up dead in the cave.) A steep final segment gets you to the four caves which are not as deep as you wanted but offer great views of the valley at the mouth.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.bgs.ac.uk for more information.
loch assynt & Ardvreck castle
On the shores of picturesque Assynt are the equally picturesque remains of Ardvreck Castle, built by Clan Macleod during the 15th century (surprising location considering Connor Macleod’s dislike for water). In 1650, the Macleods captured John Graham, enemy of Oliver Cromwell, and held him captive until he was taken and executed. The Macleods lost the castle to the Clan Mackenzie who decided the castle was too small (old world problems). In 1795, it was struck by lightning and burnt down (“the quickening” is here).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.discoverassynt.co.uk for more information.
achmelvich bay
You’ll have to brave a rough, single-lane road, a small price to access this gorgeous private beach with white sand, teal translucent water and great views, that’s become popular for water sports and camping, and has a few stores and a youth hostel. (basically a Scottish version of Real World but without the d-bags) On the rocky hills looking over the shore, you’ll find Europe’s smallest castle (much too small for the Mackenzies) called The Hermit’s Castle though no hermit ever lived here; it was an art project built in 1950.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.discoverassynt.co.uk for more information.
Knockan Crag National nature reserve
By the early 1900’s, it was commonly accepted in geology that older rocks sit below younger rocks in the earth’s sediment, which made Knockan Crag the site of a geological scandal, with its younger rocks sitting below the older rocks (scandalous!) This event has since been explained by… some scientific explanation (“thrust fault?” sounds sexy!) In addition to a variety of bird species and the red deer are some impressive sculptures and poetry that, when coupled with the view, will give you a serious case of the feels.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.discoverassynt.co.uk for more information.
BONUS: stac pollaidh
One of the more accessible mountains in the region, Stac Pollaidh is still a challenge with it’s steep ascent and loose rocks under your feet, so don’t get too comfortable. You can’t climb to the actual summit, only to the top of the mound, on which the summit stands but from up there you can still get a great view of neighboring peak Suilven, the Atlantic Ocean and the pinnacles (We’re not just pinnacles, okay? We have names: Sphinx, Tam O’Shanter, Andy Capp, Madonna and Child, the Lobster. Remember that!)
Average duration: 3 hours.
the falls of mesach (CORRIESHALLOCH GORGE NATIONAL NATURE RESERVE)
Corrieshalloch, meaning “unattractive gorge” (sticks and stones can break my bones, but names… names… cries self to sleep), was formed by the erosion of melting water at the end of the last ice age. The falls can be viewed from a Victorian suspension bridge (which has hopefully been reinforced more recently), via short walk and a small fee in the “honesty box.” You rebel, you!
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for more information.
ALTERNATIVE: beinne eighe mountain trail
In 1951, Beinne Eighe became Britain’s first national nature reserve, so you know it must be a proper nature reserve, with a total of six munros (peaks over 3,000 feet) for the price of one (admission is free). There are a variety of trails, but the easiest and yet still challenging trail is the “Mountain Trail,” Britain’s only way-marked mountain trail (so you know it must be a proper mountain trail). On your journey, you will be treated to a diverse landscape and an incredible view of Loch Maree and the nearby Slioch Mountain.
Average duration: 3.5 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
Bealach na ba (Pass of the cattle) & BEALACH NA BA VIEWPOINT
Originally built in 1822 as a path for cattle crossing, this winding, single lane road is the third highest road in Scotland, at just over 2,000 feet, and may as well be the third most dangerous road as well. It shouldn’t be attempted by novice drivers or experienced drivers who turn into novices at the first sign of any unexpected obstacles; it’s probably for the best there are no distilleries in the area. Be forewarned: once you commit to the drive, there’s no turning back and you have to go back the way you came. So long!
Average duration: 60 minutes.
eilean donan castle
One of the most photographed castles in Scotland, Eilean Donan was named after a Celtic saint who was martyred here in 617 and became the enduring stronghold of the Clan Mackenzie. (Is this one big enough for you, Mrs. Mackenzie?) The ground was broken by the son of a Matheson Clan chief, who is said to have been able to communicate with birds - which somehow helped him amass power and wealth (the birds know all) and the favor of Scottish King Alexander II, who granted him the land to build this castle as a defense against potential Norse invasion (the Norse are no match for my bird army!) Robert the Bruce is said to have stayed here, as was the earl of Moray, Thomas Randolph, in 1331. In anticipation of his arrival, fifty criminals were executed and their heads displayed on the castle facade to welcome his arrival (Everything has to be a certain way. Such a primadonna!). The Mackenzies feuded heavily with Clan Ross, resulting in the capture and execution of Kenneth Mackenzie, 3rd Laird of Kintail. His son, Murdo, laid low for awhile until a sympathetic David II was restored to the Scottish throne and confirmed Murdo as laird Kintail and legitimate claimant to the castle. The Mackenzies maintained power with the help of Clan Macrae, who mooched off the land in exchange for protecting the Mackenzies. When James II came to power, he invited all the lords of the Highlands to a summit in an attempt to quell rivalries. Instead, he simply arrested all the clan leaders, including Alexander Mackenzie, sixth earl Kintail (where were you Macrae? you had one job.) Fortunately, Alexander was young, so he wasn’t executed like the other clan lords, but rather, sent to boarding school (I’d rather be executed). Alexander was much reformed when he assumed head of the castle, with the help of the Macraes again, as they were supporters of the monarchy in future conflicts against Clan Macdonald. Various uncles tried to seize control of the lands and castle (as uncles tend to do), which gave the entire clan a bad name. They were branded rebels by James IV, who supplied ships to the Earl of Huntly in 1503 to seize the land and castle (free ship? what’s the catch?) The family settled matters internally, just in time to thwart an attack by the encroaching Macdonalds in 1539, but the rivalry was far from over, lasting well into the 1600’s (though the Macdonalds pretty much lost every skirmish and never learned their lesson). The Mackenzies supported Charles I in the mid-century Scottish Civil Wars, and despite being penalized by Scottish parliament after his execution, went on to support Charles II, which may have led to the falling out with the Macraes. (who needs those mooches anyway?) Unfortunately, they would need them in the Jacobite Rising of 1715. The Mackenzies, like much of high-land lords, supported the Stuarts against the Presbyterian William of Orange and went to battle, with the Macraes losing 68 men. The castle was held by 300 Spanish troops in 1719 in support of the Jacobite cause, but they decided not to send backup and the Spanish, along with the castle, were destroyed. The castle was restored in the early 1900’s, by a Macrae descendant, along with a memorial for the Macraes who died in World War I (the Macraes can’t catch a break). The castle is now the 3rd most visited in all of Scotland, popularized as home of Connor Macleod in Highlander, with appearances in numerous calendars and screen savers.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.eileandonancastle.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT near: Portree
DAY 2: Land of Legends (Isle of Skye)
portree
Established in the early 19th century as a fishing village, the capital of the Isle of Skye now has all the fixings of a modern village along with brightly painted facades and cafes, all the Instagram-fodder you need to reach peak twee. (Wes Anderson would be #proud). Before it was a fishing village, it was a popular escape port for Scots escaping poverty to America in the 1700’s, as well as during the 1840 potato famine (if only they knew about the keto diet and that potatoes should be avoided anyway). Although as you can see, things have really turned around since then and there’s plenty of food to go around and take pictures. Portree is also the site of the fictional Quidditch team Pride of Portree from Harry Potter. They’re here, but you can’t see them, you muggle.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
the old man of storr
On this rocky mound facing the sea are a series of unique pinnacles (in an area known as “the sanctuary”), one of which is said to be the thumb of a giant (the old man) who was buried here with his thumb sticking out. (his thumb has since solidified due to rigor mortis). Prometheus and Snow White and the Huntsman were filmed in this area, which deserves to be featured in far better films.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
kilt rock and mealt falls viewpoint
There aren’t many places in the world that you can see a waterfall plunging into the sea, let alone one that’s nearly 200 feet tall. It plunges down into the bay, from a seaside cliff that’s said to be shaped like a kilt (which, by logical deduction, makes this waterfall an ever-flowing stream of urine, an association you won’t ever forget). Not to be confused with nearby Lealt Falls, also worthwhile.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes.
Quairaing
The result of a prehistoric landslide, this “landslip” is popular among photographers for its peculiarly-shaped rock formations and not to mention the overall ridiculous scenery. Many of the formations even have names (putting a name to a rock face), including (in order of appearance) “the prison,” a rock formation that looks like a castle prison, “the needle,” a jagged rock sticking out from the ground (possibly a giant’s thumb) and “the table,” an elevated grassy plateau. It is said that this plateau was once used by the clans to hide cattle from viking invaders (it's not visible from the lowland) as they would’ve been targets for keto-adherent vikings.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
fairy glen, uig
Like Quairaing, Fairy Glen is also a “landslip,” formed by a prehistoric landslide, albeit on a much smaller scale. It all amounts to what can only be described as a “fairy’s playground,” with narrow paths winding up and down and around little pools. It’s a nice spot to climb, at your own risk, and makes you feel like a fairy (err… kid) again at recess, just before the bell rings for 6th period.
Suggested duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
BONUS: dunvegan castle & gardens
The seat of Macleod, of Clan Macleod, this castle was built in the 13th century, with the tower house built in the late 14th century, and further updated over the centuries, remaining in the same clan’s possession for over 800 years. Compared to other castles, not much happened here which perhaps inspired the story of Highlander. Or possibly it’s the other way around; nobody had the nerve to start a fight with an immortal. Pretty sure they’re dead though but the legacy lives on in the castle and unique artifacts.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.dunvegancastle.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
neist point trail
Take a short but steep path, lined with rocks and keto-friendly sheep, to the lighthouse for impressive views of the Atlantic and the Scottish landscape behind you and along the coast. The lighthouse, built in 1900, used to be manned; you can see the light-keeper cottage now privately owned, but now it’s completely automated (those robots are stealing our jobs, let’s blame it on immigrants).
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
BONUS: Talisker distillery
You’d have to have skipped some nature to get here before closing time (why does everything close so freaking early - do they not want our money?) but who needs the serenity of nature when you can manufacture the same thing with a glass of whiskey. Founded in 1830 by Hugh and Kenneth MacAskill, this distillery was built on land leased by the Macleod of Clan Macleod, of that time, in exchange for small fee, and a large amount of whiskey. (Maybe that’s the secret to his immortality. no? drinks anyway.) Talisker was the whisky of choice of writers H.V. Morton and Robert Louis Stevenson, who wrote it was one of “the king o’drinks.”
Tour duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.malts.com for bookings, opening times and more information.
fairy pools
These crystal clear blue pools, with the falls and mountain, in the background, make for a great photo or if you know how to live in the moment, (without the need to document everything, as if the future of recorded history depends on you) a swimming hole. A brief walk along the river takes you to the series of pools, the first of which is the deepest, deep enough that you can plunge in from above (with your luck though, you’ll probably land on the only rock in the pool). The second pool is the most photographed but don’t stop there. There are plenty more pools to explore in the event one of them is filled with creepy looking nude old fairies.
Suggested duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.isleofskye.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT in: ISLe of SKYE OR GLENFINNAN
DAY 3: Buried at Sea (Isle of Mull)
gLenfinnan viaduct viewpoint
Traversing the Glenfinnan Monument is this familiar-looking railway viaduct, built in 1901. During the construction, a story went around that a horse had wandered onto the site and then fell through one of the piers (that’s what you get for horsin around.) Almost a century years later, after two previous attempts to locate the horse remains turned up empty, an advanced scanner finally located the mummified remains in the central pier (“It’s about time,” said the horse. “Another century I would have been dead.”) Of course, you’re more likely to recognize the viaduct as the path the wizards traverse to get to Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films. (I don’t care if you’re a wizard, you shouldn’t be that excited to go to school in general.) Best view at the viewpoint.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
TOBERMORY
Another former fishing port turned Instagram-star, this colorful town is perfectly nestled between the bay and the hills, giving it a cozy yet busy feel, as there’s plenty of activity along the pier. The bay’s reportedly filled with gold from an Armada ship that sunk in 1588, but the muck is too thick to locate it and no further efforts have been made since the 1950’s. (Thinking what I’m thinking?) The town’s a great start point for the Isle of Mull; the real treasure is the nature all around. (buys scuba suit and metal detector)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.tobermory.co.uk for more information.
BONUS: DUART CASTLE
Built in the 13th century by Clan Macdougal, this castle served primarily as the seat of Clan Maclean, surviving attacks from harsh weather, Oliver Cromwell and neighboring clans (welcome to the neighborhood! here’s a jello mold… we’re taking your castle). The 16th laird of Duart, John Maclean, finally surrendered Duart after the surrounding lands were seized by Clan Campbell, in 1691, who destroyed the castle, but there’s a happy ending! In 1911, the ruins were purchased by Fitzroy Donald Maclean, a direct descendant, who restored the castle, and they all lived happily after. The castle was featured in the 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Entrapment (are all Sean Connery films set partially in Scotland?) On view are Clan Maclean keepsakes both modern and ancient.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.duartcastle.com for opening times and more information.
ALTERNATIVE: CARSAIG ARCHES
On the south coast of the Isle of Mull are a pair of impressive arches, eroded over time into their current form by the battering of waves. The walk is treacherous, filled with mud, boulders, vague paths and vertigo-inducing drops, the sort of thing that puts hair on your chest (even if you’re a woman - especially if you’re a woman) If you don’t have the fortitude or the time for the total hike you can hike the same path for an hour to the Nun’s Cave, where nuns fled from nearby Iona Abbey during the Reformation and turned into goats (without knowledge of what happened to the nuns and a current abundance of goats, one can only speculate). If you have a flashlight, you can see some religious carvings, which possibly date back to the 6th century, as well as some graffiti (which seems like a defacement, but are the carving not just ancient graffiti?). As with the unstable arches, enter cave at own risk.
Average duration: 2-6 hours. Visit www.isle-of-mull.net for more information.
IONA ABBEY
One of the oldest Christian sites in Western Europe, and most crucial site in the spread of Christianity through Scotland, Iona was established in 563 by Columba after landing here with 12 companions (you would think the first thing that they’d do here is hit up the beach and send word to some chicks to join them). It was built in the image of Jerusalem, in order to facilitate their achieving of spiritual enlightenment, and that plan appears to have worked - The Chronicle of Ireland and The Book of Kells were both said to have been written here. Of course, too much of a good thing is always followed with gratuitous violence, in this instance, with a series of viking attacks at the turn of the 9th century, including the massacre at Martyr’s Bay, which obviously didn’t have a name before 68 monks were martyred there in 808. Most of the remaining monks went back to Ireland, where they took up residence at the Abbey of Kells (Northern Ireland - Part 1) though Iona appears to have still been the apple of many eyes, captured by Norway and then captured back by Ireland in the span of the 1100’s, then flourishing as an abbey and a nunnery (the chicks have arrived!) until it was abandoned during the Reformation (party’s over). Extensively restored in the early 1900s, it has many significant items on display, including the graves of some nearby clan lords, high crosses (one from the 8th century) and beautiful cloister carvings.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for opening times and more information.
FINGAL’s CAVE
Formed by ancient lava flow and comprised of basalt stack walls, this island sea cave looks nothing short of mythical, named after the epic hero Fingal, James McPherson’s six book poem cycle. It was famously visited by composer Felix Mendelssohn in 1829, who, inspired by the peculiar acoustics of the cave, composed The Hebrides. Clearly there’s something inspirational here, with novelist Walter Scott describing the cave as “one of the most extraordinary places I ever beheld.” (is that what you say to every place you visit?) Boats don’t enter the cave, but in calm weather, they will allow you to disembark and explore it on foot.
Tour duration: 3 hours. Visit www.southernhebrides.com for bookings, tour times and more information.