DAY 1: Musical Thrones (Perth)
kinnoull hill
From the top of this hill, you’re afforded a view of the River Tay and its adjacent railway line, disappearing into the horizon, along with the hilltop ruins of Kinnoull and Binn Towers. Built by Lord Gray of Kinfauns in the 1800’s, the towers were meant to resemble the hill castles along the Rhine in Germany. It’s a popular place to commit suicide but you can skip the suicide and enjoy the view.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
BONUS: the black watch castle
Originally known as Balhousie, this castle was built in the 17th century to serve as the seat of the earls of Kinnoull. Unfortunately, it was left to ruin and completely remodeled in the 1860’s. None of the original features remain so it definitely loses some cool points but it was converted to a museum, detailing the history of Scotland’s elite Black Watch regiment, which definitely gains back some cool points. Not as cool as the Night’s Watch in Game of Thrones (no they didn’t fight zombies) but Nazis are nothing to sneeze at.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.theblackwatch.co.uk for booking, opening times and more information.
SCONE PALACE CHAPEL & MURRAY STAR MAZE
While the town of Scone may seem like no more than an insignificant bathroom break on your tour of Scotland, it was actually once the center of Scottish government, so quite a significant bathroom break. It was the crowning site of 38 kings of Scotland, including Kenneth MacAlpin (the original king or the OK of Scotland) Macbeth (whose life was less dramatic than Shakespeare would have you believe) and Robert the Bruce (never trust a man with two first names). These kings were crowned upon Moot Hill, “the hill of belief,” where Scone Abbey once stood, on which Scone Palace Chapel now stands. The Stone of Destiny (or the Stone of Scone) was originally housed here, brought by Kenneth MacAlpin, before being moved to Edinburgh Castle (Northern Scotland - Part 1) but the Coronation Chair, built to fit over the stone, still remains at the chapel. The palace itself, though more beautiful, is far less interesting. It was the home of the abbot (wealthiness is next to godliness) who presided over the adjacent abbey from the 12th century until the Scottish Reformation. It survived in body but not in spirit, becoming the secular home for local earls to this day. It’s still in solid shape, having been remodeled in 1808 and filled with various treasures collected over the years, but the real treasure is the adjacent Murray Star Maze, providing you with countless hours of very cheap entertainment.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.scone-palace.co.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
glenturret distillery
One of the oldest distilleries in Scotland, possibly the oldest if you count the years it operated illegally, starting in 1717, Glenturret officially opened in 1775. Its location, hidden in the glen on the Turret river, made it the perfect setting for illegal distillers, seeking to avoid paying taxes to England (so they could make their whiskey and drink it too). It was renamed from Hosh to Glenturret, in 1875, by Thomas Stewart, “hosh” meaning “foot” (good change). It closed briefly during World War I and permanently during the Great Depression (no wonder it was so depressing) before finally reopening in 1957 under James Fairlie, wanting to preserve the craft of distilling (and also to have personal access to unlimited supplies of scotch). The distillery was also famously the home of Towser the Mouser, a female mouse-hunting cat, who killed an estimated 29,000 mice, during a 24 year reign of terror, until 1987. Every morning, she would line up her kills on the floor of the distillery for inspection and for that, she is honored with a statue just outside the distillery. Alfred Barnard, a distillery historian (your new career awaits), described Glenturret as “a perfect paradise to artists… to transfer some of its transcendent beauties to canvas” and maybe transfer some of its transcendent whiskies to mouth.
Tour duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.theglenturret.com for bookings, tour times and more information.
drummond castle
Originally the property of the Drummond family, as far back as the 14th century, this castle began with the construction of a tower house, built in the late 15th century, and culminating in the construction of the rest of the castle in the early 17th century. (once you build a tower house, you may as well just build a whole castle). It was sacked in the mid-17th century by Oliver Cromwell, sacker of castles, rebuilt but then seized in the mid-18th century, because the Drummonds supported the losing side of the Jacobite uprising. At least they didn’t bet any money on the uprising, as they had enough money to buy it back at the end of the 1700’s, and re-build it all in the 19th century. Since none of it is original, spend most of your time outdoors - in the prettiest terraced garden in Scotland.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.drummondcastlegardens.co.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
Maggie Wall Witch monument
A stone structure topped with a cross bears the inscription “Maggie Wall burnt here 1657 as a witch.” It’s pretty self explanatory, except for the fact that Maggie Wall never existed (dun dun dun). Scotland kept records of the 1500+ women accused of witch-craft and burnt at the stake and there is no mention of Maggie. Experts say this monument was erected as a memorial to all of the women who died, and named after the nearby woods, but screw the experts. It clearly says she was burnt right here in 1657.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PERTH
DAY 2: A Slip of the Pen (Angus & KCD)
glamis castle
The longstanding home of the Lyon family, the earls and countesses of Strathmore and Kinghorne, this property has a history dating back to 1034, when King Malcolm II was murdered here by Macbeth. In Shakespeare’s account, Macbeth went on to live here but Shakespeare was known to take some creative license; everything ye knowth is a lie. The castle was built in the 1300s, housing the Lyon family and everything was pretty normal, until one of the Lyon heirs (John, the 6th earl) married Lady Janet Douglas. She wasn’t right for him, his parents probably warned him, but I love her, he probably retorted. She went on to poison him, harbor insurgent forces, be accused of witchcraft, and finally, burnt at the stake. The castle was seized as a result but was returned to John Lyon, the 7th earl (the 6th died of poison, remember), and improved over time to take its current appearance. The castle was also the childhood home of Queen Elizabeth I, also the birthplace of her second daughter, and general hooligan Princess Margaret (why can’t you be more like your sister Elizabeth II?). The castle is also home to the Monster of Glamis, a tale about a deformed child kept locked up in the house, originally told by a famous singer who stayed there in the 1870’s. And since stories tend to spin out of control, some people say that a monster is born here every generation (that explains Margaret). Take the tour, the highlights of which include the chapel, which has one seat reserved for “the white lady,” the ghost of Lady Janet, or possibly just a white lady with an excessive amount of privilege. And make sure to take one of the official walks on the grounds.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.glamis-castle.co.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
jm Barrie’s birthplace
It was in this humble weaver’s cottage that JM Barrie was born, housed, and inspired to write Peter Pan. (No wonder he dreamed up Neverland, you would too if you lived in this shit hole). Appearances can be deceiving and it’s much nicer on the inside… quaint is the best way to describe it, with its cozy rooms, even cozier considering he shared a room with seven brothers and sisters. (This is probably why Peter Pan revolves around running away from home.) Check out the yard where he performed his first (probably shitty) plays, before moving to London, inspired, where he wrote his famous work. His London writing desk is also on display here.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
arbroath abbey
Founded in 1178, this abbey was dedicated by King William in 1178 to the Benedictine monks. He dug his own grave, literally, as he was buried here before the altar, in 1214. The abbey was famously the site in which Abbot Bernard wrote to the pope, in a letter in 1320 declaring Scotland’s independence from England (also… how have you been?) It was abandoned after the Reformation and remained quiet until the Stone of Destiny was stolen from Westminster and mysteriously found here atop William’s grave, in 1950.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
lunan bay
With miles of near-white sand and beautiful Atlantic views, you’d think this beach would be packed but it’s often overlooked by castles and distilleries - at least you’ll have the place mostly to yourself. The coast makes for a nice rest or hike with caves and ruins aplenty to explore. A mile south is the remain of Red Castle, built by William the Lion to keep Vikings off his private beach.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
dunnotar castle
Dunnotar, roughly translating to “fort on the shelving slope,” is a more than appropriate name for this castle, dating back to the 15th-16th centuries. The land has plenty of history that predates the castle, from a 3rd century Pictish settlement (Picts landed in Ireland from Scandinavia asking for land, and were redirected to Scotland - let the Scots deal with them) to the Viking attack on King Donald II, resulting in his death to the seizure of a former castle by William Wallace, of Braveheart fame. The film glosses a bit over history, neglecting to mention that Wallace burned down a church here with 4,000 English soldiers inside, but karma got him back (in a way) when Mel Gibson’s family was burnt inside a church in the 2000 film The Patriot. (Ironically, parts of the 1990 film adaptation of Hamlet starring Mel Gibson was filmed at Dunnotar, years before he starred as Wallace in Braveheart.) It was rebuilt by Edward II after Wallace’s death, then captured and destroyed again, by Wallace’s old brother-in-arms Andrew Murray. The castle was rebuilt and frequented by James IV-VI, with Mary Queen of Scots in the middle. During the Civil War, King Charles II was crowned at Dunnotar after the execution of his father, as a result of Oliver Cromwell’s campaign. Cromwell’s army invaded Dunnotar and fearing the capture of the Honours (crown jewels) of Scotland, the castle’s governor ordered them to be smuggled out discretely and kept at Kineff until Charles II was restored to the throne. Prior to the Jacobite rising of 1689, 167 covenanters, or those who refused the union of the British and Scottish crowns, were held prisoner here. During the 1715 Jacobite rising the earl at Dunnotar pulled a switcheroo, supporting instead of imprisoning the rebels. He probably should’ve stuck with his first choice since the rising failed and he was forced to flee; the castle was later seized, but with these incredible views and ruins, his loss is our gain.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.dunnottarcastle.co.uk for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Crathes Castle
Built by the Burnetts of Leys, on land gifted to them by Robert the Bruce in 1323, this castle was mired both figuratively (the family was caught up in the whole Mary Queen of Scots drama) and literally (the foundation stones were laid in a bog); it was completed 50 years later, in 1599. The 13th Burnett heir then re-gifted the castle to the National Trust for Scotland (regifting is regifting even if it’s 350 years later); it was also badly damaged in a fire so he probably didn’t want to deal with it. The castle is known primarily for its elaborately painted renaissance style ceilings as well as the oldest known lunar calendar (10,000 years ago) excavated nearby.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Drum castle
Don’t expect beating drums at your arrival, “drum” meaning “ridge” in Gaelic. Built on this ridge in the 13th century, this castle is believed to hold one of the oldest unchanged tower houses in Scotland. Granted to William de Irwyn by Robert the Bruce (who gave away land like Ellen Degeneres gives away cars), the land and its castle served as the seat of Clan Irvine until 1975, when passed to the National Trust for Scotland. A well-preserved medieval High Hall and the Garden of Historic Roses are highlights.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
aberdeen
A tale of two cities unfolds in Aberdeen, comprised of Old Aberdeen, with its cobblestone streets and, Footdee (pronounced Fittie), a modern fishing village with tons of color and character. Scotland’s third most populated city often flies under the tourist’s radars but has plenty to offer in terms of culture, not least of which is “buttery,” a croissant-like bread toasted, served with butter or jams.
Visit www.visitabdn.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT in: aberdeen
DAY 3: Paradise Lost & Found (Aberdeenshire)
balmoral castle (SPRING ONLY)
With a small house built by William Drummond (of the Drummond clan) in 1390, this property changed hands between numerous clans before being purchased in 1852 by Prince Albert and Queen Victoria who decided the house was much too small for royalty, so naturally, they built a castle. They spent many a summer here prancing around together (or rather, her prancing around alone while he was hunting deer) but they were happy, as Victoria wrote in her diary: "All seemed to breathe freedom and peace and to make one forget the world and its sad turmoils." (Must be nice!) Great things must come to an end though and Albert died though Victoria continued to get her money’s worth, coming here every summer and “befriending” her servant John Brown (if that’s what you want to call it); she did commission an impressive memorial for Albert in the form of a massive pyramid in the backyard. This castle continues to serve as a private residence of the British royal family, not belonging to the crown. It was here that Elizabeth II received news of the death of Diana, princess of Wales, but it’s so beautiful here that it probably didn’t do much to sour her mood.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.balmoralcastle.com for opening times and more information.
royal lochnagar distillery
Producing a variety of single malt whiskies, as well as the main component of Johnnie Walker Black and Blue blended-whiskies, this distillery was started in 1826 by John Robertson, but things went whisky sour really fast with the distillery burnt down in 1841; that’s what happens when you drink on the job! (although it was probably just the competitors playing a little old-fashion prank) Rebuilt, the business went a whole new level when it was awarded a Royal Warrant by Prince Albert who had just moved in next door (so much for him being “drawn to the countryside”). You’ll be drawn to the countryside too after a few tastes of single malt.
Tour duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.malts.com for opening times and more information.
loch muick
Part of the British-owned Balmoral Estate, this freshwater lake, with its scenic views and flat path around, make the royal’s “little backyard lake” a popular walking destination among tourists and locals alike. Along your walk you’ll pass Glass Alt Shiel, or “the widow’s house” named so because it served as Queen Victoria’s retreat after Prince Albert’s death (if only you had died sooner).
Average duration: 3 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
BONUS: braemar castle
The historic home of Clan Farquharson was ironically built to counter the rising power of the Farquharsons by John Erskine, earl of Mar, in 1628. It was attacked and burned by John Farquharson as a result of its supporting the 1689 Jacobite rising. You would think they’d learn their lesson but the castle was seized as a result of its supporting the 1715 Jacobite rising. And in a double dose of irony, the castle was then purchased from the king by John Farguharson himself then used as a defense-fort against the 1745 Jacobite rising. So basically the villain from Shrek won in real life, but if there’s any consolation, it’s that the castle is basically the castle equivalent to the winner of an ugly dog contest. Also, entry proceeds go to charity but it’s not worth more than a drive-by.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.braemarcastle.co.uk for opening times and more information.
linn of dee
The River Dee passes through the gorge under a bridge commissioned by Queen Victoria in 1857; it was one of her favorite places to escape when she stayed at nearby Balmoral, which in itself, was an escape from London (Life must have been tough if she had to escape from her escape). With walking trails, falls and scenic vantage points it’s the perfect escape from your royal headaches.
Average duration: 1-3 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
kildrummy castle
The most extensively-preserved ruined castle from the time of its construction in the 13th century, the castle served as the seat of the earls of Mar and as a defensive fort in its earlier years, protecting the family of Robert the Bruce from invading English forces. The first time didn’t go so well (most of his family was executed while he was out on campaign). The second time, they were more than prepared. In fact, Robert’s sister Christina Bruce held off the English all by herself (Christina the Bruce is more like it) until her husband, Andrew Murray “came to her rescue” (as if she needed it!). Later women weren’t so successful here as the heiress Isobel was “seized” (what am I, some kind of property?), and forced to marry Alexander Stewart, who commandeered the castle as well. (you can seize my castle, but you will never seize my soul). Seize it back (symbolically at least) with a short walk around the ruins.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for opening times and more information.
craigievar castle
It’s a pink castle, what more do you need to know? Built in 1626 by the Clan Forbes (who were close friends with the Clan Leys, of the Crathes castle), Craigievar houses some of the mostly finely crafted ceilings in Scotland, a Great Hall, a “secret staircase,” for impromptu hide and seek games, a musician’s gallery, Forbes family portraits (so you can put a face to the name), with original portraits by Henry Raeburn - they even have the portrait receipts on display in case they ever need to return them (if the return policy extends back to the 1800’s that is. Like all things in Scotland, it closes early so you may not get there early enough to tour the inside, but the exterior alone, which is believed to have inspired the shape and color of Walt Disney’s castles, is worth visiting.
Suggested duration: 20-60 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
BONUS: castle fraser
Commissioned by Michael the Lord Fraser (no relation to the sitcom) and completed in 1636, the castle served as the Fraser home until the last heir died in 1897. If Craigievar is the Walt Disney of castles Fraser would be the Quentin Tarantino; legend holds that a young princess was brutally murdered in her sleep and dragged down the stairs, leaving a trail of blood on the staircase that even Mr. Clean wouldn’t be able to wash, so they covered the stone stairs in wood. Her ghost haunts the castle at night and rightfully so.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.