DAY 1: This Land is My Land, This Land is My Land (Falkirk & Stirling)
BONUS: cramond island
Connected to the mainland by a one-mile path is this “tidal island,” accessible at low tide. How can you tell when it’s low tide? If you arrive at the crossing point and there’s no bridge connecting the mainland and island you’ll know it’s definitely not low tide. Also, there’s a sign that tells you when it’s safe to cross, but keep your visit short, to avoid being stranded until the next low tide. (And with the rising tides of global warming, you might even be stranded forever.) In 2011, a tourist named Daniel Defoe and an “unidentified female” (whatever that means) were left stranded by the high tide, possibly of Daniel’s own machinations… “you’re stuck with me for the night, let’s make out to stay warm… it’s summer Daniel and I’m sorry, but I think we should just be friends.” The British were naturally delighted over the rich irony of a man named Daniel Defoe, stranded on an island (sharing the name with the author of the 17th century novel Robinson Crusoe about a man stranded on an island). They were found dead the next day. Just kidding, but try not to get stranded, especially if you’re name is Gilligan. But do leave ample time to explore the island, which is surprisingly rich with history, with evidence of prehistorical burial, medieval farming, modern sheep grazing, and oyster picking. The path is lined from WWII-era pylons, to protect ships from torpedoes and the island is dotted with abandoned WWII structures, such as the artillery emplacements and engine rooms. With so much to explore, you might even wish to be stranded.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
Blackness castle
Built in the 15th century by Sir George Crichton, this castle served as both his primary residence as well as a state prison (sure, keep your enemies closer, but not that close). George gave the castle to King James II in 1453, (but all I got you was a scented candle) obviously against the wishes of his son and heir to the castle, James Crichton, who briefly seized the castle being sent away to his room. The castle was heavily fortified in the mid-16th century, but wasn’t strong enough to resist the charms of an invading Oliver Cromwell in 1650, but continued to serve as a prison (same shit, different rulers), where the Covenanters, those who were opposed to English interference in church matters, were imprisoned. Some of the prison cells are nicer than modern condominiums so quit whining. Due to its shape and position near the coast, the castle is known as “the ship that never sailed.”
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
LINLITHGOW PALACE
Built by James I in the 15th century on the site of a previous fort, this palace became the primary residence of the monarchy in the 15th and 16th century, with upgrades commissioned by various Jameses over the centuries. Mary Queen of Scots was born here and it was said that her mother, Mary of Guise, haunts here, though who isn’t haunted by their mother, even if she is alive? After the union of the crowns under James VI, the palace was rarely used. The last monarch to stay here was Charles I, back in 1633, and that was just for one night (would it kill you to stay another night, or call once in a while?) The last record of a royalty staying here is of Prince Charles Edward, the last of the Stuarts to make a claim to the British monarchy. He passed the palace, only stopping briefly, despite the fact that the fountains were said to be flowing with wine in his honor, a massive waste of wine. Both the armies of Prince Charles Edward, and later, The Linlithgow Palace, were destroyed by the Duke of Cumberland, called “Butcher” for atrocities he committed in quelling Prince Edward’s “Jacobite Rising,” atrocities almost as bad as the wasted wine.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
THE KELPIES
Completed in 2013, this pair of 100 foot steel sculptures of kelpies (not horses, can’t you tell the difference?), the shape-shifting mythic creatures that inhabit the water of Scotland. They often appear as horses but can even take human form; trust no one.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.thehelix.co.uk for more information.
the national wallace monument
Completed in 1869, after eight years of construction, this tower, built in the Victorian style, honors 13th century hero and “Guardian of Scotland” William Wallace, who is said to have watched John de Warenne’s army gather from the vantage point of this mound, just before the Battle of Stirling Bridge. It’s a fitting tribute for his efforts, and the least he should get after his very gory and public execution in England; it seems they couldn’t decide how to execute him because they incorporated elements from every execution style - temporary hanging, cutting out his bowels, cutting off his penis, cutting off his head (the penis part sounds way worse) then tarring his executed head and putting it on a pike - almost like an appetizer sampler, except execution styles instead of appetizers. Nevertheless, the guardian is immortalized in this monument, literally standing guard over the region. If you get there before close, you can take the 246-step ascent to the top to check if there are any armies amassing in the distance (no armies? cool!). You may also see Wallace’s sword on display along with the busts of dozens of famous Scotsmen, which almost makes it seem like Wallace beheaded a lot of important people. There’s also a famous (or infamous rather) statue of Mel Gibson in the parking lot, or at least, his portrayal of Wallace, (“freedom!”) but it also just looks like a statue of a drunk Mel Gibson, deserving of its constant vandalism.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nationalwallacemonument.com for tickets, opening times, and more information.
stirling castle
Perched atop the high grounds of Castle Hill is Scotland’s second most famous castle after Edinburgh Castle (There’s no shame in finishing second! Just kidding loser, you suck.) The grounds, predating the construction of the castle, are often associated with the Roman army, Kenneth Macalpin (the first king of Scotland) and King Arthur; true, none of these people actually come here at any point, but it’s the associations that count. The first person that actually came here was King William I, who dedicated a chapel and died here; hopefully his time here was more fulfilling but that’s the only record we have. It was built up by various kings over a few hundred years, and it must have been nice enough for these kings to continue dying here (either that or it was haunted). But most likely it was just very desirable property, as it switched hands multiple times between the Scottish and the English, during the Wars of Scottish Independence; it switched hands so many times that a retelling of the 60 year conflict makes it seem like they were just fighting over this castle. In the end, Scotland took back the castle, for good, with the added bonus of national independence, and it continued to serve as a residence for the kings and queens, including Mary Queen of Scots, who was crowned here, until James VI united Scotland and England under one crown and moved to England; the castle became a military housing complex and remains so until this day. The oldest current structures, the Gatehouse, the King’s Old Building, the Great Hall and the Chapel Royal, built by James IV, date back to the late 15th-early 16h centuries, so make sure you see those before England decides to start shit up again.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.stirlingcastle.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: old stirling bridge
Built in the 14th or 15th centuries, this bridge replaced a previous version, on which The Battle of Stirling Bridge was fought in 1297. One of the early battles in the Wars for Scottish Independence pitted the forces of Scottish noblemen Andrew Moray and William Wallace (of Braveheart and historical fame) against the forces of England’s Edward I, led (or misled rather) by John de Warenne; on September 9, he ordered his troops to cross the bridge and surprise the Scottish forces early the next morning (early bird gets the worm, and by worm we mean continued tyranny). The troops crossed the next morning as ordered only to find that Warenne had overslept (medieval military commanders - they’re just like us). The troops were forced to turn back, allowing the Scots more time to amass more forces, turning Warenne’s next attempt, on September 11, into his own personal 9/11. The Scots waited for the English to start crossing - due to the width of the bridge, they could only cross two by two (hurrah hurrah!) - before they attacked and killed the 2,000 that had crossed. Warenne’s forces were still significantly stronger and could have at least held the line at the bridge, but his confidence was shot so he destroyed the bridge and literally ran away. Most of his troops were killed in the escape, and the Scots gained territory south of the river, but not without losing Moray to his wounds. Wallace, of course, went on to star in Braveheart (or at least the events that inspired the film), before Edward I got revenge the next year, defeating Wallace in a battle at Falkirk. After making an effort to absorb this information, you may be disappointed to learn that the bridge on which the battle was fought was actually located about 200 yards upstream, with four stone piers discovered underwater. The coordinates are 56° 07′45″N 3°56′12″W in case you feel like taking a swim. There’s also some masonry, thought to be related, on one bank of the river.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: STIRLING
DAY 2: Liberated Women (Fife - South Coast)
BONUS: st. margaret’s cave
The 11th century Scottish Queen, and eventual Saint, Margaret was known for her piety; she didn’t need a cathedral to worship the good Lord, like those religious millennial kids these days; all she needed was this cave. Of course, when she prayed here there was no parking lot on top of it but times change and parking lots on top of holy sites are important. In the 1960’s, the town planned for a park lot to be built here, but were naturally met with protest. They still paved paradise and put up a parking lot, but at least they preserved the cave which can now be accessed via staircase. It’s not as holy as it used to be but the recording of hymn and chant on the way down to the cave make up for it, in an artificial way. You’ll also learn more about her life, on the way down, and what it takes to be a saint in case your gunning for sainthood, before you arrive to the cave at the bottom, featuring a life-sized image of Margaret herself, because if there’s one thing she would’ve wanted you to do down there, it’s to worship her image over the divine.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.onfife.com for opening times and more information.
aberdour castle
One of the oldest castles in Scotland, with segments built as far back as the 1200’s, Aberdour was mostly the work of the Douglas Earls of Morton, who owned and maintained the castle and its grounds as far back at 1342, expanding it well into the 16th century, when the garden terraces were built. It briefly fell out of Douglas hands, when the 3rd Earl of Morton forgot to pay his feudal dues to James V (in this medieval world, nothing is certain but death and feudal dues). After James V died, the earl reclaimed his lands with the help of some powerful friends (in exchange for two of his daughters, but it was worth it!) The 4th Earl ran off after he was implicated in the plot against Mary Queen of Scots, resulting in the death of her side-piece but she was overthrown so he returned to the castle and lived out the rest of his life here in peace. Until he was tried and executed for the murder of Mary’s husband, Lord Darnley (fool you twice, shame on… me?). All that struggle and upkeep ended up being for nothing as the castle was damaged by a fire in 1688. There’s record of an estimate for repairs, which the 11th Earl must have thought was outrageous (repairs always are), because the castle was never repaired and the Earls moved to nearby Aberdour House in 1725, leaving the castle abandoned until this day. First explore the Tower House, which, from the 1200’s, is the oldest part of the castle. The Central Range holds what would have been the Earl and Earlette’s (countesses) living quarters, while the East Range was used for entertaining guests - it’s the only part of the castle that still has a roof, part of which has a preserved painted ceiling. The Western Range holds what remains of the castle’s Bakehouse and Brewery, though unfortunately the remains don’t include bread and beer. The garden is kept bare save for a 16th century doocot, a pigeon house shaped like a beehive. A short walk west will bring you to the 12th century St. Fillan’s Church.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
ravenscraig castle
Built under the order of King James II as a home for his wife Mary (a nice, albeit expensive way of saying he needs some space), this castle was one of the first of its kind built to withstand cannon fire (he loved her after all!). Ironically, James II died in a tragic accident involving a faulty cannon, which probably means he was standing with his head in front of the hole when it fired - ouch! (it would’ve been funnier if it was his crotch in front of the hole, but probably still deadly). Mary completed the castle in his honor, and decided to live here after all, and why not? It’s what James would have wanted after all. Also: those views! The castle sold to the Sinclairs who collected defense forts for sport - Sinclair sounds like the name of a family that collects defense forts for sport.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for opening times and more information.
falkland palace & garden
The MacDuff clan of Fife built this palace in the 12th century at a slight elevation and on the remains of a former hunting lodge for defensive purposes, which clearly didn’t pan out as the castle was destroyed an English Army in 1371. It was rebuilt by the Stewarts (James IV and V) as a pleasure palace (which unfortunately is not as literal as the sketchy DVD store on the side of the interstate) with a formal garden and tennis court, which survives from 1539 to this day, making it the oldest tennis court in the world. James V famously died here, partially from anger at his wife for not bearing him a male heir; you had one job!. (Why did daddy have to die, mommy? Because you’re not a boy, honey.) If only he could’ve watched that daughter, Mary Queen of Scots, grown up, becoming one of Scotland’s more interesting monarchs (#proud). And though she wasn’t a member of the chosen sex, she wore men’s pants to play tennis here (and fittingly went on the wear the pants in both the family and the country). Unfortunately, the castle, with the Stewart dynasty, fell to ruin but was restored at the turn of the 19th century by the 3rd Marquis of Bute which seems like a position that would have existed a long time ago, but no, there is still a marquis that presides over this palace (“I’m glad there’s someone in charge here.”) Check out the South Range, with tower, chapel and gallery, then the Crosshouse, with recreation of royal bedrooms.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
standing stones of lundin
Originally a set of four, these three stones are the last stones standing on a Druid ceremonial site dating back to the 2nd century BCE. Now they’re basically just an obstacle on the Lundin Ladies’ 9 Hole Golf Course, the oldest woman’s golf course in the world. (At least they didn’t build a parking lot over it but still, show some respect.) You can see them along the second fairway but you’ll first have to ask permission to view, at the clubhouse. Cue outspoken tourist: “I’m not asking permission to see a piece of history.” (Walks right on to the golf course, gets hit in the head by a golf ball, learns lesson.) They’re usually accommodating, but still, ask.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.welcometofife.com for more information.
elie chain walk
When you see the word “walk,” you might think to yourself, “Oh nice, a walk. how lovely,” the operative word, however, is “chain,” as in “chain walk,” as in if you’re not holding onto the chain while you’re walking, you will fall to a certain death, because you are walking mostly on the side of a sea cliff. If you decide to brave the “walk,” start out no later than two hours before high tide. The tide can come up to or above the chain (assuming you don’t want to walk underwater) and with the waves crashing against the cliff, is not the most ideal condition. Numerous people have to be rescued yearly, dating all the way back to MacDuff, the earl of Fife who allegedly hid in the cave at the start of the hike and had to be rescued, at least according to Shakespeare’s Macbeth. If these warnings haven’t scared you off you’ll have these stunning seaside views and towering basalt columns mostly to yourself.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.fifedirect.org.uk for opening times and more information.
bonus: ruby bay
Skip the resort beach in nearby Elie (if you can handle a lack of luxury accommodations) and see nature, with its teeming wildlife, as intended. With plenty of hiking paths, bird watching, and rock collecting (they don’t call it ruby for nothing), there’s plenty there to keep you entertained. Ruby won Keep Scotland Beautiful in 2018, the award equivalent to Make America Great Again, though it was accomplished without kicking out, or banning immigrants. The beach toilet won the National Loo of the Year 2017 Award (yes a real thing) so if you find yourself in need of a loo, you’ll be happy to know that there’s no finer beachside toilet, in all of Scotland.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.fifedirect.org.uk for opening times and more information.
lady janet anstruther’s tower
Built in 1760, this now popular landmark was once the private changing room of Lady Janet, the daughter of a wealthy merchant, and by changing we mean just taking off her clothes; she was known to skinny dip. She was also a huge flirt as she was known to send a servant to nearby Elie, to let the men know when she was swimming so they wouldn’t come - not an attention whore at all.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.welcometofife.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT near: st. monans
DAY 3: Choose Your Own Adventure (St. Monans & St. Andrews)
St. Monans
Named after the saint who was buried here, St. Monans was once a thriving fishing and salting village, and although it’s primary income today is through tourism there’s still plenty of salted fish on the menu. While it’s unclear if St. Monan was Scottish or Irish, and if he was martyred by the Norse or the Danes (choose your own adventure) historians generally agree that he was interred where St. Monans Church (built in 1369) now stands but in ruins. You can also explore the picturesque seaside ruins of St. Monans Windmill, where the salt was once produced, to the east, or the ruins of Newark Castle, crumbling in the salted air, west of center.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.welcometofife.com for more information.
dunino den
Over the river and through the woods (and past the cemetery) to Dunino Den, we go! Hidden in the forest, just a few hundred feet behind Dunino Parish Church, is a pagan worship site, with an altar, a well thought to be used for human sacrifices (what happens to kids who misbehave, you can tell your children), a footprint (you know what they say about big footprints) along with the “den” itself, a collection of carvings, of faces and symbols, in an area believed to be inhabited by mythical Celtic creatures. Pagans visit here, even to this day, to worship, make their own carvings, and sacrifice humans. Just kidding, but fun to keep the kids guessing.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.welcometofife.com for more information.
bonus: kingsbarns distillery
It must have taken some serious golf balls for a golf caddie to hit up his clients for the cash he needed to build this distillery. Still, he couldn’t have done it without the support of the Wemyss family, patrons of the arts (of malt whisky specifically) since back in the 1800’s. Learn how it’s made, tour the converted 18th century barn in which it’s made, and then taste the goods for yourself. If you’re more of a gin person (what are you doing in the land of Scotch?) they also operate Darnley’s Gin Distilley, right next door.
Tour duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.kingsbarnsdistillery.com for bookings, tour times, and more information.
St. Andrew’s Cathedral
The relics of St. Andrew were brought here in 347 by St. Rule, returning from a mission in Greece (bones make great souvenirs) or in 732 by Bishop Acca of Hexam (choose your own adventure, part two). Not that it matters - the relics were stolen by the vikings in 849 (and probably just used to break shit, and beat people up - vikings have no chill). With the relics gone, there was no reason to worship here until St. Rule’s Church was established in 1123. All that remains of that church is St. Rule’s Tower (you can climb it if you dare), which was then incorporated into the later St. Andrew’s Cathedral, consecrated in 1318, with Robert the Bruce attending the ceremony, so you know it was a big deal - it was the largest cathedral in Scotland at the time, and still is, if you can ignore the fact that it’s no longer really there. The path to its destruction was long and slow. It was damaged by a series of storms, fires, and plundered for the lead in the roof by the English during the Wars for Scottish Independence (good luck turning the lead into gold). The last nail in the cathedral’s coffin was the Scottish Reformation. John Knox gave a sermon at the nearby parish church in 1959, and the villagers, newly inspired by the goodness and purity at the heart of all religion, spent the next couple days ransacking the church and slaughtering monks. Take a walk among the various ruins and tombstones that occupy these hallowed grounds. Then visit the museum, with the sarcophagus of St. Andrews, though as mentioned it’s empty. (More like hollowed grounds… am I right?)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
st. andrew’s castle
As far back as the late 1100’s, this seaside-castle served as the house of the bishops, those who preached at nearby St. Andrew’s Cathedral (because there was nothing that Jesus espoused more than the importance of luxury living, with ocean views no less). The castle switched hands many times between the Scottish and the English during the Wars of Scottish Independence, until the Scots recaptured it and, sensing a trend, destroyed their own castle, so the English wouldn’t be able to make use of it, when they inevitably recaptured it themselves. It was rebuilt around 1400 and heavily fortified due to the rising tides… of the Reformation. In 1538, Cardinal David Beaton became bishop. He publicly opposed the marriage of Mary Queen of Scots and Edward VI, because Edward was Protestant (not because “she should’ve chosen Chad”). He took out his displeasure on local Protestants, imprisoning preachers of the Reformation, including the prominent preacher George Wishart, who was then burnt at the stake, in front of the castle (you can’t just imprison someone for no reason and not burn them at the stake… you have to follow through). Needless to say, tensions got worse from here. Wishart’s “friends” (drinking buddies from college? it’s unclear) under disguise of construction workers, snuck into the castle, killed Beaton, and hung his body from the window. (“Hey, uh, we’re here to fix the moat…” “There is no moat…” stab) The Protestants took the castle and used it for a Protestant congregation, until it was held under siege (starring Steven Seagal) by Scottish forces, under the order of Mary. One would think that Mary, who had just married a Protestant, would have “turned the other cheek” here or at least Edward, the Protestant king of England, would have come to their aid, but the help never came. They defended the castle for one year before a French artillery strike knocked their socks off. The Protestants were captured and either sent to prison or hung. John Knox, who was granted a hall pass to enter the castle (while it was under siege) to preach, was summarily executed (“But you said I could pass!…” “Sorry bro, we changed our minds.” hang) The castle was later rebuilt, once again, as a seaside luxury villa for the bishops, until William of Orange’s Glorious Revolution when bishop-hood was abolished (glorious indeed!). Instead of turning the castle into seaside condos for commoners, the castle wasted away for years, taking upon its current state. Be sure to visit the pit under the north tower, where innocent Protestants were imprisoned, the spot where George Wishart was hung, marked with initials in brick, mines dug in the heat of the Reformation and finally - those views!
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for more information.
st. andrews university
Known primarily for it’s Old Course, the oldest golf course in the world (also known as “the cathedral of golf”), St. Andrews played host to the first golf game ever in the 15th century and still plays host to the PGA Open Championship every few years. (golf clap) Other than the embedded history, it just looks like any ordinary golf course and unless you’re planning on playing a round of golf, while your submissive wife (or husband) and children wait patiently on the sidelines (in golf and in life), you could probably save it for a separate golf trip. Instead, walk the fairways of St. Andrews University, ranked #3 among UK universities (behind Oxford and Cambridge). Formed in 1410, it counts both Prince William and Kate Middleton, meeting here, among its alumni. The university also touts its holding of the highest student satisfaction rate among all the schools in the UK, not really a surprise for a university that’s on the beach and surrounded by distilleries. You will wish you could go back in time and apply there, only to get promptly rejected.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.st-andrews.ac.uk for more information.