DAY 1: Territorial Species (Cairngorn National Park)
Old pack horse bridge
The quaint village of Carrbridge, on the eastern perimeter of Cairngorns National Park, was originally named after this bridge, built in 1717, making it the oldest of its kind in the Highlands but don’t be fooled by its name; you can’t drive your carr over it. It originally served to carry dead bodies from the town to the cemetery at times when the river water level was too high to pass. Even the bridge however was no match for the “muckle of 1829” (a cute way of saying devastating flood), and is now unstable.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.carrbridge.com for more information.
RSPB LOCH GARTEN osprey center
The freshwater Loch Garten, with its pine tree perimeter, is nicknamed “The Osprey Village,” for the large population of breeding ospreys; this is where the action happens. The ospreys were longtime residents of the loch but became extinct in the early 1900’s then single-handedly repopulated by two visiting (and very horny) Scandinavian ospreys. You can indulge your avian voyeurism, as they continue to breed, from the camouflaged viewing area. There’s a variety of other birds to see as well, such as the crested tit, as well as a variety of flora, such as the creeping-lady orchids, a perfectly-named variety of wildlife for the ecosexuals among you. For those not satisfied merely watching nature porn (mating season is spring and summer) you can get in on the action and even feed the fauna, including the crested tits, during the fall and winter. Mutter jokes about feeding tits for maximum enjoyment.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.rspb.org.uk for opening times and more information.
CAirngorn reindeer center
Like the ospreys, the reindeer were once indigenous to the region but went extinct in medieval times (or kidnapped by Santa and used as slave labor during the holidays). They were reintroduced to the area in 1952 from Sweden, (which explains their subtle air of superiority) and have expanded in size to over 150, making up the largest herd of free-range deer in the U.K. (they’re probably healthier and better-tasting than conventional reindeer, if you were allowed to eat them). The small population’s spread out over 10,000 acres which can make them hard to find but the center keeps some of them on display for petting (dance damnit dance!). In keeping with holiday slave-labor traditions, the reindeer are often loaned out for local holiday celebrations (freedom isn’t free). You can tell your kids these are Santa’s reindeer, or you can break it to them that Santa doesn’t exist, but here are some reindeer.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.cairngormreindeer.co.uk for opening times and more information.
alternative: an lochan UAINE
“The Green Loch” is said to derive its distinctive hue from the fairies that wash their clothes in it (or fairies pee green and this lake is their collective urinal). While it may or may not be hygienic, (if by fairies they mean leeches, you’ll see plenty of them inside the water) it’s definitely photogenic, which is all that really matters in life; or a nice private swimming hole for the intrepid among you.
Average duration: 3 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for opening times and more information.
loch an eilein castle & Rothiemurchus forest
The 13th century equivalent of a “panic room,” this castle was built as a retreat in the event of conflict by the bishop of Moray, the 13th century equivalent of Jodie Foster. A tower was added in the late 14th century, by Alexander Stewart, grandson of Robert the Bruce, aka “the wolf of Badenach,” who used the island for a hunting lodge, when he wasn’t busy burning down villages and stuff. It again provided refuge, first for locals from Jacobite attacks in the 1690’s, then for the Jacobites themselves in 1745, fleeing after their defeat in the last Jacobite uprising - they were offered refuge by the Jacobite sympathizer and widow of the 5th Laird Grizel Mhor (who sounds like a half-woman half-grizzly bear and one hundred-percent badass). She led the defensive effort against the encroaching government forces while allegedly screaming obscenities at them. The island is said to have been reached via bridge but there’s no trace of it now so you’d have to swim, but it’s off-limits as it now provides further refuge for local ospreys. You could still take a scenic three-mile walk around the loch and find a place for a picnic along the loch, named #1 picnic spot in all of Britain.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.rothiemurchus.net for opening times and more information.
BONUS: RZSS HIGHLAND WILDLIFE PARK
Part safari, part zoo, this park allows visitors to see native species in their natural habitats, as well as endangered species from across the globe, including lions, tigers, and polar bears (oh my!). Native species include the once elusive “kellas cat,” a cross of domestic and wild cats (as if domestic cats weren’t sassy enough!) There’s also feeding opportunities, for you and the animals.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.highlandwildlifepark.org.uk for opening times and more information.
ardverikie estate
The Macpherson-owned lands around this estate must be teeming with deer because the estate itself was rented over the years by various “deer stalkers” (people who hunt deer by sneaking up on it and cutting its neck) until the original castle burnt down in 1873. The castle was rebuilt in 1878 in the Baronial style and made famous by appearances in the BBC series Monarch of the Glen as well as Netflix’s The Crown. You can’t go inside unless you’ve rented a immodestly-priced room, or you’re having your wedding here (wedding goals!) but you can take a glance at the front, but watch out for the deer, as the stalkers have become the stalked.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.ardverikie.com for more information.
pattack falls nature trail
From the parking lot, a short trail takes you to a picturesque waterfall, and from there, an extended trail takes you to the remains Druim an Aird. Nobody knows why it was abandoned but it is thought the villagers died in a snowstorm returning from a wedding. “Celebration turns to tragedy for the folk of Druim an Aird, who failed to “weather the storm.” Tonight at 11, on ‘Aye’-witness news.”
Suggested duration: 30-90 minutes. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
Ruthven Barracks
In the 13th century, a castle was built here, which was to become the stronghold of Alexander Stewart, “the wolf of Badenach,” the “the wolf of Wall Street” of his time, in the 14th century. Not much is known about his time spent here, other than a legend of when the devil himself came to visit him and challenged him to a game of chess and the next morning, everyone in the castle was dead (talk about a sore loser!). The castle was damaged in the Jacobite uprising of 1689, then destroyed after the 1715 uprising, to make way for the current structure, intended to quell dissent in the Highlands. That made it more a target than anything as the barracks were attacked in 1745 by 200 Jacobites who apparently forgot to bring weapons and were squashed by a mere 12 men defending the barracks (I knew we forgot something!); the Jacobites returned the following year with weapons and the acting lieutenant was forced to surrender. After the final Jacobite defeat in 1746, 3,000 Jacobites took refuge here. Knowing their capture was imminent, they decided to burn down the castle (if you can’t beat them, start burning things down!), leaving it in the shape it appears today.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: ELGIN
DAY 2: Horrors Real and Imagined (Inverness & Loch Ness)
Inverness castle
Built only recently, in 1836, Inverness Castle nevertheless stands on the grounds of former castle dating back to at least 1037 and likely even earlier. The first recorded castle was built by Malcolm II on the site of a former castle in which Macbeth had murdered his father Duncan I (you killed my father, prepare for your castle to die). It was also the site of a meeting between the clan chiefs in 1428, organized by James I. In a classic bait and switch maneuver he invited them all to air the grievances against one another only to simply have them all arrested and most of them executed (something that needs to be tried with modern day politicians). One of the non-executed captives, Alexander, 3rd Lord of Isles, was released (only if you promise not to attack me!) only to come back with 10,000 men and burn the town. The castle was rebuilt by George Gordon, 4th Earl of Huntly, who refused to open castle doors for a visiting Mary Queen of Scots. (Do you know who I am?) The neighboring Munro and Fraser clans were loyal to Queen Mary and restored her honor by taking the castle and having George Gordon executed. (You wanna mess with her? You got to go through me first!) The castle was seized twice during the Scottish Civil War and once during each of three Jacobite risings, before being rebuilt as the sheriff’s office. You’d have to lay siege to it to see inside. Other than the north tower, it’s not open to the public.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.explore-inverness.com for more information.
Culloden Battlefield
The final battle (if you can call it a battle) of the final Jacobite uprising of 1745, which saw the defeat of Charles Edward Stuart and the Stuart claim to the throne of England, at the hands of the House of Hannover, took place in this battlefield. It was over very quickly and the losses were one-sided - 1,500 Jacobite dead vs. only 50 government soldiers dead. Stuart had just before battle a falling out with his military advisor (the one guy you don’t want to have a falling out with before battle). He ignored all advice, opting for a centralized battle over a guerilla-style campaign, and a wet ground over dry ground (as if worrying about dying wasn’t bad enough, now they had to worry about getting their boots all muddy too). Stuart was easily outclassed by the Duke of Cumberland, who was henceforth known as “Butcher Cumberland,” though it was really Stuart who butchered himself. Duncan Forbes erected a memorial cairn in 1881, as well as stones to make mass graves and where important people stood or died. The farmhouse dates from 1760, built on the site of a post-battle field-hospital - the size of it shows how one-sided it was.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.nts.org.uk for opening times and more information.
Clava Cairns
A Bronze Age circular tomb, clava cairns are named after the set of three tombs found here. There are about 50 total clava cairns in the region but none of them significant and picturesque as these, which date back to 2000 BC. Two of them are passage tombs, which means you could have walked to the center of the tomb when they were originally built, but the ground has since risen over its original level; you’d have to crawl to go in and unlike the scary crawl space in your basement, there’s actually a dead body in it.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for more information.
Urquhart Castle
Though this castle was a 13th century construction, radiocarbon dating suggests the presence of a previous fortress here, which may have been the home of the Pictish (indigenous Highlander) nobleman, Emchath, who converted to Christianity on his death bed (what do you got to lose). The first official record of the land involved its gifting by Alexander II to an ally in 1229 (what’s the catch?) in exchange for maintaining order in the area, under constant assault from the MacWilliams, descendants of Malcolm III. The castle was captured by Edward I of England in 1296, at the outset of the Wars of Scottish Independence, before it was taken back by Andrew de Moray (William Wallace’s lesser-known counterpart), before it was taken back by the English, who gifted the castle to the Comyns, (what’s the catch?) in exchange for defending it against Robert the Bruce, who defeated the Comyns, took back the castle. It passed to James III, who gave it to the Huntly Clan, who (probably aware of what the catch was) re-gifted it to the Grant clan, who defended the castle against a series of attacks over the course of near two centuries by the Macdonald clan. At first the attacks were all in good fun, stealing a few thousand cattle and some provisions (snacks), but once they started lifting the furniture and weapons, shit got real, leading to the Battle of the Shirts, fought on a sweltering day which forced the men to go shirtless (show us your pecs!). By that point, the castle was pretty much ruined but rebuilt by the Grants in 1624, only to get raided by the Covenanters in 1644. (The Grants were probably starting to think that this castle is more trouble than its worth.) The Grants allied with Willam of Orange during the Jacobite rising of 1690, successfully fending off a Jacobite assault, only to decide “the hell with the place” and blow it up (more so to thwart the Jacobites from capturing it at a later time and using it to their advantage). It does look today like a castle that got blown up, which is ideal as not to obstruct views of Loch Ness and potential Nessie sightings.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for tickets, opening times and more information.
Loch Ness Center
The myth of the Loch Ness monster all started with a sighting in 1933, when the manager of a local hotel claimed to have seen a beast in the water though it’s possible she was just trying to stir up some business. Two months later, visiting Englishman George Spicer saw a creature crossing the road to get to the Loch though it’s possible he was just trying to tell an elaborate ‘why did the monster cross the road’ joke (to get to the loch!) An early photograph of the monster, and a report of a motorcycle colliding with the monster, were both attributed to otters, but the Loch Ness Otter doesn’t sound as appealing. Things really picked up with the “Surgeon’s Photo,” a picture of the monster’s head and tail, taken in 1934 by a London doctor, which made the report seem more legit, though he ended up being more a doctor of photos, as the monster turned out to be… you guessed it - an otter. Subsequent photos and videos all turned out to be otters, driftwood, or doctored images but that hasn’t stopped people from trying to find it. Proponents of Nessie’s existence draw inspiration from the 6th century text “The Life of St. Columba” which writes about the saint fending off an attack by a “water beast” in the River Ness by making the sign of the cross. Probably also an otter, one the was so inspired by the sign of the cross that it later converted to Christianity on its death bed. The hotel once operated by the first Nessie witness is now an exhibition devoted to the myth (her business plan worked) though at least it takes an objective view of the myth.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.lochness.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Loch Ness Tour
Although the Loch Ness boat tours advertise the possibility of spotting Nessie on your voyage, unlike whale and dolphin tours, you can’t really ask for your money back if you don’t see Nessie. If anything, you get what you deserve for thinking that you’d see any thing other than some gorgeous countryside views. Even if did believe in Nessie, a boat is probably the last place you’d want to be.
Tour duration: 1-4 hours.
Glen Affric
If there was a pageant for the most beautiful glen in Scotland, Glen Affric would win, and not because it dressed the sluttiest. It’s covered head to toe with lochs and woodland, surrounded by munros and punctuated by the sound of woodland birds. If you’ve resisted the temptation of a Loch Ness Boat Tour, you may have enough time to squeeze in a five-hour Loch Affric Circuit, which takes you around the perimeter of the glen for the most scenic possible view. If you’re short on time, the two-hour Dog Falls and Coire Loch Hike gives you a little bit of everything - waterfalls, wood walking, and views. The most impressive waterfall, however, is Plodda Falls, which can be reached in under an hour and makes for a nice supplement to one of the above hikes if time allows.
Suggested duration: 1-5 hours. Visit www.walkhighlands.co.uk for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT in: ELGIN
DAY 3: An Offering to the "Spirits" (Ross)
munlochy clootie well
A “clootie well” is a Celtic pilgrimage area, of which there are several in Scotland, where there is running water and a tree growing in or near the water. Before Christianity appropriated local culture offerings were made to nature spirits but now more commonly to a saint. Clothes are dipped in the “holy water,” tied to a branch, and a prayer is said. Some people simply make offerings to the associated spirit while others come to plea for healing. (“Where were you when you were healthy? You only worship me when you need something,” says the unappreciated spirit.) The nicer clothes on the branches are generally offerings to the spirits (the spirits only wears Gucci or Armani) while the older-looking clothes represent pleas for healing, in which case, the cloth is soaked in water, used to wash the affected body part, then tied to the tree. As the cloth dissolves so does the ailment (it’s just science folks); people also leave religious icons in or near the well. This well specifically is devoted to St. Curetan and was once used to cure sick children by leaving them here overnight; either that or the kids were abducted at night, and never seen again. (Problem solved either way.)
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.explore-inverness.com for more information.
BONUS: beauly priory
Possibly founded in 1230, possibly founded by Alexander II, only one thing is for certain: this place is very beautiful, literally, as is reflected in its name “beautiful place.” After the Valiscaulian monks were forced to disband under orders of the pope in 1510, the Cisterian monks took over and secularized the abbey. Not much is known after that. (Perhaps they became so secular that they simply rejoined normal society.) A visit here by John Keats and Charles Brown in 1818 inspired the collaborative poem “On Some Skulls in Beauly Priory, near Inverness,” which should be a required reading while you’re exploring the ruins in this beautiful place.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.historicenvironment.scot for opening times and more information.
glen ord distillery
The Mackenzie land, granted by Alexander III back in the 1200’s, passed in 1820 to Thomas Mackenzie, who wanted to develop the business side of the property. He parlayed an already-extensive barley operation into a whiskey operation, naturally, which would keep people at work year round. (He could’ve also opened a mushroom-barley restaurant, but that’s besides the point.) Originally, it was called Ord Distillery and it went bankrupt in 1847 but continued to operate illegally until it received a new license, under new owners, and reopened as Glen Ord (if at first you don’t succeed, try again, using illegal means). It closed down temporarily during World Wars I and II to preserve barley (mushroom barley soup makes for excellent wartime comfort food). In 1985 it merged with Guiness to form Diageo, whose whisky is now blended into Singleton and Johnnie Walker, in addition to its 12 year old single malt.
Tour duration: 1-3 hours. Visit www.malts.com for tour times and more information.
castle leod
Built in 1606 by Sir Roderick Mackenzie, the 1st Earl of Cromartie, Castle Leod was only made possible after Roderick’s marriage to the immensely wealthy Margaret Macleod (his sugar momma), which also served to settle a longstanding bitter feud between the Mackenzies and the Macleods (make love, not war). The castle was temporarily forfeit when the third earl of Cromartie supported the Jacobite rising of 1745, but it was regained and renovated by the Mackenzies over the course of the 1800’s. You’ll notice there’s no front entrance, which made it hard for enemies to seize the castle, but also just made it hard to come home after a long day of war. Not that it matters; you can’t get in without advance appointment but it’s worth the effort for its antique map collection alone.
Suggested duration: 10-60 minutes. Visit www.castleleod.org.uk for more information.
The Glenmorangie Distillery co
The farm on which Glenmorangie stands has been involved in the production of alcohol since the early 1700s, with the founding of Morangie Brewery, which would eventually be converted into the distillery in 1843 (go hard liquor or go home). It was purchased in 1918 by its largest customer Macdonald & Muir (fuck it we’ll just take the whole thing) who owned it for 90 years before they sold it off to Moet Hennessy Louis Vouitton (a company that sounds like a rapper’s Christmas wish list) who upgraded the Glenmorangie with the sexy bottle you’ll see it in today. It’s been sexy before then, ever since Conor Macleod ordered “a double Glenmorangie on the rocks” before proceeding to decapitate people and absorb their souls in Highlander. Needless to say I’ll have what he’s having.
Tour duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.glenmorangie.com for bookings, opening times and more information.
BONUS: balblair Distillery
Founded in 1790 by John Ross, the distillery was operated by Ross and his sons and grandsons (alcoholism is genetic) until it was sold to Alexander Cowan, who rebuilt it in 1895 to be closer to the rail station, and the supply deliveries, while retaining the original water source nearby. It has one of the oldest archives in whisky history, so you can see who was an alcoholic, as far back as 1800.
Tour duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.balblair.com for bookings, opening times and more information.
skibo castle
The modest home of a line of Catholic bishops from 1211 to 1545 was gifted to a powerful Catholic donor John Gray in exchange for his continued allegiance during the rise of Protestantism. It was sold and renovated in 1898 by Scottish American industrialist Andrew Carnegie and is now home to the super exclusive Carnegie Club, with it own golf club, swimming pool and guests rooms. You can’t go inside it but you can look upon the castle in all its glory and lament your lot in life from a restraining-order distance.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes.
Dunrobin Castle
The land at Dunrobin was initially acquired in 1211 by Hugh, Lord of Duffus, who set up his son William as the first earl of Dunrobin (nepotism is alive and well). It’s unknown when a castle was first built but the earliest part of the castle that still remains is an iron gate from 1401. The earldom later passed to the Gordon family (also the earls of Huntly) through marriage of the 8th earl, John’s, daughter Elizabeth to Adam Gordon in the 1500’s. When John died his own son Alexander didn’t get the memo, briefly holding the castle until a complaint of idiocy was brought against him by the Gordons (it’s one thing to call someone an idiot, but to declare it legally - he must have been pretty stupid). He even briefly seized the castle, while Adam Gordon was away, but it was seized back by Gordon, who cut off Alexander’s head, then put it on display on the front gate (which probably made for some awkward family reunions). The point of doing so was to scare away any further attempts, though this was apparently lost on Alexander’s son, who made another attempt and got as far as his dad’s head was before his head was also cut off and probably displayed in the same manner (it’s like they say, the head doesn’t fall too far from the body). The castle was briefly seized again in the Jacobite rising of 1745 by Charles Edward Stuart - the earls of Sutherland were known supporters of the opposing House of Hannover. However, the 17th Earl fled the castle and joined forces with the “Butcher” Duke of Cumberland and we all know how that turned out. (He wasn’t called the butcher until after fought Stuart.) Dunrobin is more of the people’s castle of the area, as opposed to the exclusive Skibo, previously hosting a boarding school for boys (rather than the social club for boys at Skibo) and is now open to the public. There’s a big display of animal heads (the Sutherlands are animal-head conservationists, apparently) and falconry displays in the garden.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.dunrobincastle.co.uk for opening times and more information.