DAY 1: The Stuff of Legends (Interlaken)
Harder Kulm
Take a 10-minute funicular to the top of this mountain for views of Interlaken and Unterseen, the lakes Brienz and Thun, and the neighboring mountains Eiger, Monch, and Jungfrau - it should be illegal to see such absurd views with this little effort. There is a hiking path to the top but you'll just be looking at your feet the whole way up and the funicular passing overhead will make you regret your entire existence. You're better of saving your breath for the viewing platform, guaranteed to take your breath away.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.jungfrau.ch for tickets, opening times and more information.
St. Beatus Caves
Beatus of Langern, an early Christian saint from Ireland, made a name for himself spreading the teachings of Christ to the tribes of northern Switzerland before taking hermitage in this picturesque monastery nestled into the rock face. Oh, and he also slayed some dragon in a cave here but that part just seems like it was casually added to his legend to pad his stats. While the dragon is probably not real, at least we know St. Beatus was real as he's buried on the path between the monastery and the caves. Maybe it's the site itself that inspired such tales. Between the monastery and the waterfalls, it looks like Rivendell from Lord of the Rings.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.beatushoehlen.swiss for opening times and more information.
panoramabrucke sigriswil
This colossal suspension bridge is part of a larger, developing trail spanning the entirety of Lake Thun. You'll cross the bridge early in the hike, so if you're in it just for the bridge, the hike comes to a premature climax followed by an awkward walk back to the car, but if you're in it for the simpler pleasures, continue on the path through the forest for views of the lake and the Alps all the way to Oberhofen castle. If weather permits, there's a lakeside bathing beach nearby for a satisfying finish before a romantic return walk.
Average duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.myswitzerland.com for more information.
thun
This striking medieval castle and focal point of the town of Thun gives you great views of the town, Middle-Age-centric exhibits, and a perfectly preserved Knight's Hall, one of the few remaining of its kind. It's the type of place where you can imagine great medieval feasts and important debates going down, before you realize it was built for basic administrative tasks, meaning that even in Medieval times, people had boring desk jobs and just couldn't wait to clock out for happy hour. Speaking of happy hour...
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.myswitzerland.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: bern
DAY 2: Naughty by Nature (BERN)
munsterplatform
The terrace of the Bern Minster, a prominent city landmark, used to be a graveyard before it was converted to a public plaza. By standing on it, you're technically trampling on the graves of the dead, but it's totally worth it to get a solid lay of the land of Bern.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for opening times and more information.
the cathedral of bern
The tallest cathedral in Switzerland holds two icons of note: the spire, which you can climb for a good view of Bern and the Alps, and the Last Judgment sculpture adorning the entrance to the cathedral. It's the only original cathedral sculpture to survive the purge of the Protestant Reformation, juxtaposing the clothed righteous and the naked wicked (shamefully puts pants back on).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for opening times and more information.
UNESCO Von Bern
The medieval center of Bern is mostly preserved from its original state, the oldest structures dating back to the late 12th century, earning it the coveted UNESCO prize. Besides the sites you'll see if you follow today's itinerary, the Old Town is also home to over 100 Renaissance-era fountains that provide fresh drinking water to the locals and tourists alike; drink up before you drink it all in.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for more information.
einsteinhaus
This wasn't Einstein's only house (he had a summer home in Northern Germany) and he didn't even live here for long (two years at the turn of the 20th century) it's worth a visit for its remarkable recreation of how his apartment would have looked like at the time. It's nothing luxurious by modern day standards but I guess you can say it's all relative? (Drumroll) I'll see myself out thanks.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.einstein-bern.ch for opening times and more information.
zytglogge
Built in the early 13th century, this medieval tower served as a guard post and a prison before being turned into a clock tower, with a second, astronomical clock added in the 15th century. Be sure to be there on the hour, when the clock truly comes alive. While those who are content with the spectacle of the clock and aren't curious about how it works can go about their day in a state of continued ignorance, the curious among you can take a tour inside the clock for a fascinating lesson on its clockwork.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
kindlifresserbrunnen
Literally meaning "the fountain of the eater of little children," this sculpture depicts a sitting ogre eating a naked child, with a sack of more naked children at his side, because you can't have just one naked child. Normally a sculpture like this would require some sort of explanation, but all we get are theories as to its meaning. One theory holds that the ogre is a Jew wearing a triangular hat typical of Jews of the time which honestly isn't helping the case for the sculpture's existence. Another theory claims that it depicts Krampus, the Christmas villain. Apparently if you're on Santa's naughty list, not only do you not get presents, but you also get fed to Krampus, which explains why Swiss children are so well behaved; nothing shuts a child up like the threat of violent cannibalism.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
BONUS: Kunstmuseum
Otherwise known as the Museum of Fine Arts, this permanent collection includes works by Klee and Picasso among others. It's also known for a controversial collection of over 1400 works that were most likely confiscated from Jews during the Holocaust. Sounds like a recipe for a heist movie in which a group of Jews work together to recover their ancestors' art - call it Moshe's 11.
Suggested duration: 1.5-2 hours. Visit www.kunstmuseumbern.ch for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Bern
DAY 3: From Ordinary to Extraordinary (Bern & Beyond)
barengraben & Barenpark
The bear has been the symbol of Bern since 1191, when the duke of Zahringen vowed to choose the first animal he encountered on a hunt as the symbol of Bern, or rather the first animal that wasn't a stupid squirrel. Not content with the symbolism of bears, Bern has held bears captive since at least 1513 in small enclosures such as Barengraben which you shouldn't translate literally. Grabbing bears is never a good idea. Nowadays, it's just a gift shop and the bears fortunately roam much more freely at nearby Barenpark.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: bern rose garden
With great flowers, great views, and great food, this park is the perfect place for an afternoon stroll or picnic. Be warned that the graves of this former cemetery are unmarked so don't be surprised when a hand bursts out of the ground to take your sandwich.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.bern.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: zentrum paul klee
It's probably not worth coming here if you're not a fan of Swiss artist Paul Klee's work, as this museum houses about 40% of his entire portfolio. As further incentive to visit, the building itself is a work of art completed by Italian architect Renzo Piano in 2005.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.zpk.org for opening times and more information.
Musée d'Estavayer-le-Lac et ses grenouilles
Why let a perfectly good frog corpse go to waste when you could stuff it and use it to portray scenes from ordinary life, asked French artist Francois Perrier, whose unique brand of 19th century frog art is displayed here for you to enjoy in all its absurdity.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museums.ch for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Maison d'Ailleurs
If you're sick of ordinary life, this museum of science fiction and extraordinary journeys may be just what you need. You'll have to use your imagination as it's focused on written works, but there are some visual artifacts on display for the imagination-impaired.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.ailleurs.ch for opening times and more information.
Areuse gorge & SAUt de brot (Spring-Fall)
If you actually want to escape your day to day existence without having to use your imagination, this three hour hike through the Areuse Gorge carries you past massive cliffs, tranquil waterfalls, and picturesque bridges, most notably the Saut de Brot falls and its accompanying fairytale-like bridge. The hike begins at Noirague, birthplace of Absinthe. You could sample all sorts of Absinthe and Absinthe-infused delicacies like chocolate at the Noirague train station, which could either further animate your hiking, or just make you straight up nauseous; drink responsibly. On the hike, you'll also pass the refuge of Swiss thinker Jean-Jaques Rousseau, banished from Paris for essentially championing the concept of extreme helicopter parenting; you could thank Roussaeu for both giving you reason to escape and a refuge to escape to. End the hike in Rochefort or Auvernier for a car or train back to Noirague.
Average duration: 3 hours. Visit www.myswitzerland.com for more information.