DAY 1: Out with the New, In with the Old (Lucerne)
Lion Monument
Designed by Bertel Thorvaldsen and carved by Lucas Ahorn in 1821, this rock relief depicts a lion in agony on its death bed. Not the best look for a lion but that's because it was intended to commemorate the 760 Swiss guards massacred while carrying out their duties to protect the French monarchy, when the French Revolution broke out in 1792. Swiss guards are among the fiercest warriors on earth (like lions), but are also among the most loyal, carrying out their duties despite certain death (hence the lion's protection of a shield adorned with the French fleur de lis). Basically Swiss guards make the perfect boyfriend (and you thought chivalry was dead.) You won't find any potential suitors here (you'll have better luck at the Vatican), but it's a touching tribute to their sacrifice. The American poet Mark Twain once called the relief "the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world."
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
museggmauer
This longstanding and well-preserved wall and its ramparts were built in the 14h century to protect Lucerne from invasion. If you want the best views of Lucerne, parts of the wall and some of the towers are open in the warmer months. Which means if you're planning on invading Lucerne anytime soon, winter is probably a good time as the ramparts are undefended. (Winter is coming.)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.luzern.com for opening times and more information.
kornmarkt old town & Hirschenplatz
Walking through the Altstadt, or old town, is like going all the way back to medieval times without having to worry about dying in a joust or via Bubonic plague. The center of attraction is the Kornmarkt, which functioned as far back as 1356 as Lucerne's major grain market or the place to avoid if you were a medieval person on a strict paleo diet. Near the market, you'll also find the Altes Rathaus or Old Town Hall, and several buildings with painted facades that depict famous scenes that are illustrative of Lucerne's history and past industry, such as medicine-making and beer-brewing. Fine I'll have one beer but my Paleo diet starts tomorrow.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
chapel bridge
This iconic bridge spans the river Reuss and has done so since 1333, connecting what is now known as the Old Town with the New Town. Say "goodbye cruel medieval world" as you cross the bridge into modernity, and the take time to appreciate the triangular paintings under the roof of the bridge depicting famous scenes from Lucerne's history. Of the 147 original works by local Catholic artist Hans Heinrich Wagmann, only 77 remain after some complete idiot's loose cigarette burned 2/3 of the bridge; only you can prevent bridge fires. Despite the damage, it remains the oldest wooden covered bridge in Europe and along with the Water Tower at the end of the bridge, is one of the primary landmarks drawing visitors to Lucerne.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes.
sammlung rosengart
The modern part of town is a fitting home for modern art in Lucerne. Founder Angela Rosengart was a very close friend of Pablo Picasso, a solid choice of a friend if you plan on collecting art for a living. Her world-renowned collection heavily features his work and that of German artist Paul Klee, along with various pieces from other big names in the world of abstract and impressionist art.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.rosengart.ch for opening times and more information.
bonus: jesuitenkirche
Consecrated in 1677, this Jesuit church was the first large-scale Baroque church built in Switzerland. The exterior is great and all but its the rose and white plaster interior that evokes the feelings of heaven on earth.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.luzern.com for more information.
Lake lucerne
The best way to take in the cool blue waters of Lake Lucerne and its stunning surroundings, including Mounts Rigi and Pilatus, is by boat tour. The Lake Lucerne fleet is made up of 5 hundred-year old boats, so pick your poison, literally - at least one of these boats is bound for the bottom of the lake at some point soon but you'd be hard pressed to find a more beautiful place to drown. (For the best experience, choose the tour of the longest duration that returns you to Lucerne, assuming your timing allows for it.)
Duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.lakelucerne.ch for tickets, departure times, and more information.
spreuerbrucke
The second of two covered wooden bridges in Lucerne, Spreuerbrucke is often overshadowed by its older brother Chapel Bridge, so it has a bit of a inferiority complex, reflected in the nature of its own set of paintings, revolving around the equalizing nature of death. In reality, it's superior to Chapel Bridge in that it was never touched by fire, so it remains in its original form, and being less traversed, it allows you more time and space to appreciate the artwork. Just think Spreuerbrucke, it could have been a lot worse; you could have ended up like your third brother Hofbrucke, demolished in the 1900's.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: lucerne
DAY 2: Chasing the High (Lucerne & Engelberg)
hammetschwand lift
The highest exterior elevator in Europe - as if you even knew that exterior elevators were a thing - takes you to the top of the Burgenstock Plateau in less than a minute. Make sure to wave condescendingly at people struggling up the mountain by foot. With stellar views of Lake Lucerne and the Alps, nature has never been so accessible.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.luzern.com for opening times and more information.
mount pilatus
With so many mountains to visit in Central Switzerland, it's hard to play favorites without one of them getting offended. Though Mount Pilatus isn't the highest peak by any means, it may have the most unique history. For starters, it might have been named after the responsible party in the death of Jesus Christ, (no, not the Jews) Roman governor Pontius Pilate, who supposedly died and was buried somewhere on the mountain (got a shovel anyone?). In medieval times, legend has it that dragons, with healing powers, took up residence on the mountain, although it's unclear if they used that power for good, or simply continued roasting people alive, as dragons tend to do. You probably won't see any dragons, but on a clear day, you can see a whopping 73 peaks from the top of the mountain - probably more peaks than you've seen in total in your life. The best way to ascend is by railway. The Pilatus Railway, accessible May-November from Alpnachstad, is the world's steepest railway (aerial tram open year round).
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.pilatus.ch for opening times and more information.
titlis
Though nature is best enjoyed in its purest form, sometimes you just need some cheap thrills to enhance the overall experience. Take the world's first aerial tram to the peak of Mount Titlis, where a winter wonderland awaits. Ride the Ice Flyer chairlift, which takes you flying over a glacier (while supplies last), careen around curves at a likely dangerous speed via snow tube, explore an illuminated ice cave (no excuses for people afraid of the dark), walk the plank on Cliff Walk, the world's highest suspension foot-bridge, then choose between one of four dining options ranging from fancy dining to junk food, then maybe just enjoy the view.
Suggested duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.titlis.ch for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: engelberg
DAY 3: A Bridge Too Far (Andermatt)
Teufelsbrucke
One of several spectacular bridges marking the road along Schollenen Gorge, Teufelsbrucke, as it's name suggests, attributes its construction to the devil, which would actually be pretty considerate of him considering his sordid past. Of course there's more to the story; the villagers recruited the devil to help them build the bridge and in exchange promised him the first soul to cross it, but they tried to pull a fast one by tossing a piece of bread across the bridge for a dog to fetch. Apparently, the devil is more of a cat person as he "promptly tore the dog to pieces." (Some words of advice: always pay manual laborers their fare share, never pull a fast one on the devil.) You'd think ripping a dog in half would sate one's anger, but not that of the devil, who proceeded to lift and carry a massive boulder toward the bridge to destroy it. But apparently, the only thing that's required to keep the devil in check is a good scolding, in this case from a seasoned villager. You can cross this very bridge today and visit said boulder, Teufelsstein, 4.5 km north of the bridge. All you need to cross is to pay the reasonable toll of one dog.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
trift bridge
The longest pedestrian-only suspension bridge in the world spans the entire Triftsee Lake and provides access to an otherwise inaccessible glacier; it was once reachable by foot, along the tongue of the Trift Glacier, but was cut off by the recession of the glacier due to climate change, or due to the moral decline of Europe, depending on your beliefs. In any case, it's quite the thrill, and along with the hike and gondola ride, is enough to distract you from the fact that the world is marching to it's own demise.
Average duration: 4 hours. Visit www.grimselwelt.ch for tickets, opening times, and more information.
gelmerbahn
The funicular in Gelmer was once the steepest funicular in all of Europe. You could visit the steepest in Stoos, but any steeper than this one just seems rather unnecessary. (It's also out of the way from most attractions.) The ride up gives you time to let the views soak in, while the ride down is more a thrill, but the real gem of your visit is the sky-blue lake at the top and the scenic hike around.
Suggested duration: 3 hours. Visit www.grimselwelt.ch for tickets, opening times, and more information.