DAY 1: Going Mainstream (District 1)
Grossmunster
During a visit to Zurich, Charlemagne's horse (with Charlemagne riding it) stumbled on the tombs of Zurich's patron saints, Felix and Regula, both Coptic Christians and Roman Catholic saints who were sentenced to death in 286. They fled to Zurich but were eventually caught and decapitated, but if you thought their story ended there, you were wrong! Their bodies proceeded to lift up their heads off their ground and walk up to the top of a hill to pray and die. Let that be a lesson to never give up, even if you get decapitated. The current interior is pretty bare save for the stained glass windows of Giacometti (Augusto not Alberto, but worth seeing still.) Also worth seeing is the view of Zurich and Fraumunster across the Limmat river, visible from atop the tower. It's 187 steps, which may seem like a lot of effort, but if Felix and Regula could climb a hill without heads, you should be able to make it.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.grossmuenster.ch/en for opening times and more information.
fraumunster
The church, opposite Grossmunster, was founded in 853 by Louis the German, the grandson of Charlemagne, for his daughter Hildegard, which makes her sound like a spoiled brat, except for the fact that the church would serve as an abbey for her and other aristocratic women to lead lives of piety, which is more like being grounded for life. In terms of artistry, Fraumunster has much more going for it than Grossmunster. It has a much nicer spire. No offense Grossmunster, your spire game's pretty weak. But it's what's on the inside that counts, and while both churches are pretty bare, Fraumunster has a few famous stained glass works, from the 5 Marc Chagall windows in the choir area (1970) to the Giacometti (Augusto, not Alberto) in the north transept.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.fraumuenster.ch/en for opening times and more information.
bahnhofstrasse
If you're looking for a great deal on Swiss goods, you'd do better to avoid this street, one of the most expensive shopping areas in the world. Even window shopping here will rob you of your dignity. It's still worth visiting as it's a good place to sample a variety of Swiss delicacies, such as chocolate and cheese, and seasonal treats, like hot cocoa and mulled wine during the winter, all of which will help you get over your lost dignity. For something a little more down to earth to cleanse your spoiled palate, you could take a short walk down nearby Augustinergasse, a picturesque row of medieval residences.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.bahnhofstrasse-zuerich.ch for opening times and more information.
Bonus: uhrenmuseum bayer zurich
You might have noticed the Swiss appreciation for quality timepieces while walking along Bahnhofstrasse. With such nice watches, the Swiss have no excuse to be late and rarely are. If you'd like to gain a better appreciation for the craft, or for human innovation in general, without the pressure and judgment of condescending salespeople, you can do so at this museum, which holds some of the most unique and intricate timepieces in the world. The highlight here is the Cajetano clock, which uses 150 gears to show times of day in various places as well as the position of the sun, the moon, as well as planets (or a smartwatch in the truest sense of the word). The Swiss have great appreciation for time, but not for humor, so don't expect a laugh if you ask the staff here for the time.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.wienmuseum.at/en/ for opening times and more information.
Lindenhof park
If you want to give your legs a rest but don't want to miss out on sightseeing, this elevated park offers the best compromise. Find a bench, take a seat, and take in the best views of all the Zurich landmarks and the Limmat River. Lindenhof is also a site of Swiss national significance. Though it's undeveloped now as a result, historically it was always developed due to its position overlooking the city. It was the formerly the seat of a prehistory camp, a Roman fort, a medieval palace, and now, last but not least, your butt.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Giacometti murals
The Giacomettis were a family of artists, which must have been tough because who's going to pay the bills? The most famous of the family was Alberto, whose work reached a worldwide audience, but if he was a musician, the Swiss would claim that he's "too mainstream." It was Augusto that captured the hearts of the Swiss by maintaining closer ties with Switzerland through the course of his life. (Poor Giovanni and Diego Giacometti captured the hearts of no one.) Hopefully, you've already seen Augusto's stained glass works at Grossmunster and Fraumunster, but his grandest work you'll find here at the entrance to the Zurich Police Station, which poses quite the predicament if you're an escaped convict with a deep appreciation for fine art. (Criminals are people too.)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.zuerich.com for opening times and more information.
Lake Zurich "cheese fondue cruise"
While you might deem a cruise around a city as too touristy of an experience, there are some things that call for exceptions to be made, and one of those things is if there's somehow cheese involved - copious amounts of flowing, hot cheese - and wine to boot. If you time it right, the beautiful orange-yellow glow of the fondue pairs perfectly with the beautiful orange-yellow glow of sunset. But be aware that once you've experienced a cruise with fondue, it will be tough going forward to experience one without fondue.
Winter only. Duration: 2.5 hours. Visit www.zsg.ch for tickets, cruise schedule, and more information.
niederdorf
During the day, this neighborhood is home to a variety of independent shops that tend to go overlooked under the shadow cast by Bahnhofstrasse. But it's at night when Niederdorf truly comes alive (and Bahnhofstrasse is left all alone, crying itself to sleep). Here you'll find some of the hippest restaurants and hottest nightclubs Zurich has to offer, and if you're up for it, more shopping.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: zurich
DAY 2: The Garden of Earthly Delights (District 5)
bruno weber park
Artist Bruno Weber spent over 50 years of his life crafting this fantastical sculpture garden starting in 1962 until his death in 2014. You know his work is good because if it sucked, someone surely would've told him earlier on not to quit his day job. You'll have to pardon their appearance as the garden remains incomplete, under construction. Bruno's wife, and twin daughters, who probably shrugged off all his calls for assistance when he was still alive, have taken the helm, to ensure the park's continued development.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.brunoweberpark.ch for opening times and more information.
Kloster Fahr
If you thought visiting an active monastery that has been training nuns since 1130 would be boring, think again. Sure, they can't exactly tempt you with the pleasures of the outside world, but they can reintroduce you to the simple pleasures of life. Perhaps you'd like to visit their farming school, where they breed goats, rabbits, pigs and cows, or their garden, where they grow a huge variety of herbs. Did we mention that wine counts as a simple pleasure? Hell yeah nuns know how to have a good time. There's even a winery on site. If you're surprised that these nuns make wine, you'll be surprised to learn that they also make beer. Hard liquor as well. Of course, they can only drink moderately, but you're not a nun, so you can feel free to stock up at the gift shop.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.kloster-fahr.ch for opening times and more information.
roman catholic rectory st. felix and regula
Remember those twin saints Felix and Regula who were decapitated, then proceeded to climb a hill with their heads in hand? You can visit their remains, which were moved from Grossmunster to the town of Andermatt in 1524 (you can still see their skulls there, assuming you're into that kind of thing), then back to Zurich, to this church in 1950... or perhaps the relics moved here themselves?
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.felixundregula.ch for opening times and more information.
frau gerolds garden
If you ask anyone in Zurich who the coolest Frau is, assuming they're cool themselves, they'll undoubtedly tell you it's Frau Gerold. Okay so nobody actually knows her personally, but she owns the coolest outdoor venue in Zurich, so she has to be pretty badass. Whether you come in summer for sun and a cold beer or in winter for tents and cocoa, this Frau will show you a damn good time.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.fraugerold.ch for opening times and more information.
Gerold chuchi
On the same street as Frau Gerold is this restaurant... also named Gerold? Wait, the whole street is named Gerold? Maybe Gerold isn't actually a person, but more of an idea, a place where people can come together and eat in a really cool venue. Like Gerolds Garden, Gerold Chuchi brings the cool factor in letting you dine outdoors under a canopy of umbrellas. Not to worry though, you don't have to eat here to take a pic, you just have to hover aggressively close to people trying to eat their lunch in peace. It's also an ideal spot for Mary Poppins to eat if she were short on cash; with all these umbrellas, she could pull off an easy dine and dash.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.geroldchuchi.ch for opening times and more information.
markthalle im viadukt
There are many places in Zurich where you can shop for artisan food and clothes but only one is located under a railway viaduct, which makes it a significantly cooler place to shop. It's a little expensive, but that's the price you pay for shopping under a viaduct.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.im-viadukt.ch for opening times and more information.
district 5 & district 4
Proving yet again that everything cool happens in areas filled with abandoned warehouses, District 5 has some of the best bars and clubs in all of Zurich. If that's not alternative enough for you, head on over to the former red-light district of District 4, where you'll fear for your life walking the streets until you stumble upon an upscale cocktail lounge and realize everything will be okay.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: ZURICH
DAY 3: Nature and Chill (Southern Zurich)
UETLIBERG
Now that you've seen all that Zurich has to offer and the "honeymoon phase" of your stay is over, you're probably just itching to explore someplace new. But if you want to salvage your relationship with Zurich and bring back that spark, maybe you just need to see Zurich from a different angle, specifically, from 450 meters above it. Realistically, any city will look good from a high angle (high angles!) but not every city has the Swiss Alps in the background. To get here, you could take a scenic train ride from Zurich, then a ten-minute walk from the station to the peak. You could also hike from a nearby town but you may want to preserve your energy for the famous "Path of the Planets," a two-hour hike from the peak of Uetliberg to the peak of Felsenegg; along the way you can marvel at the distance of the planets displayed at a scale of 1:1 billion, but you'd have to walk another two hours back to Uetlieberg or take a train back to Zurich. If you'd rather play it closer to the chest, there's plenty to do on Uetliberg alone. There's a viewing tower for even better views, a cafe serving seasonal drinks (mulled wine anyone?) and some hiking and biking trails to explore, some of which turn into killer sledding trails during wintertime. Just remember to drink responsibly - don't drink and sled.
Suggested duration: 3-6 hours. Visit www.uetliberg.ch for opening times and more information.
SEEBAD ENGE
After toughing it out in the wilderness, you deserve a cool or hot bath depending on the season. Sure, you could just jump straight in the Limmat at Flussbad Oberer Letten, but if you're the type who needs to see the bottom of the water you're swimming in, you can do so at one these lakeside pools that change temperature with the season. No need to worry about those pesky river sharks.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.seebadenge.ch for opening times and more information.
alternative: ZURICHHORN or botanical garden
If you wanted a little nature action but don't have the energy for Uetliberg, this riverside park offers plenty of quiet, green space to "nature and chill." If you want to spice things up a bit, you can check out the beautiful Chinese garden or the open-air cinema, as well as the "Heureka useless machine" sculpture north of the park, along the river. The Botanical Gardens is another potential option for a sojourn or a picnic, though you won't find much there that's unique from any other botanical garden you've been to.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.allianzcinema.ch for cinema showtimes and more information.
ROTE FABRIK
If you're looking for something a little more low-key (aka 1-2 drinks max) for your last night in Zurich, check the calendar to see what's on tap at this former factory turned music venue, also serving as the hub for the Social Democratic Party of Switzerland. (You don't have to be a socialist to appreciate the cheap drinks and good vibes.) You should also check the calendar at Cabaret Voltaire, a nightclub and center of the Swiss Dada movement. (another Socialist hotbed.) If you can't put ideological differences aside and would rather drink to capitalism, the best place to do so would be from your overpriced hotel room mini bar... Cheers!