DAY 1: Where Jesus Turned Wine to Water (Barcelona & Sitges)
bellesgaurd gaudi
Built by Gaudi between 1900 and 1909, this castle, translating to “beautiful view” was inspired by the medieval castle that once stood in its place, built in the 15th century, as a summer home for Martin, King of Aragon. Martin died without an heir to inherit, and the castle passed to various owners, before it was purchased, practically ruined, by Jaume Figueres, in 1900. Jaume’s wife Maria had great, albeit expensive taste and forced her husband to hire Gaudi to redesign it. At that time, Gaudi was still finding himself artistically speaking and while you can see some of his signatures present (tiles, stained glass) the castle didn’t include Moorish accents that characterized his later work (once you go Moorish you never go back). Gaudi was markedly restrained in the exterior design, using stone and straight lines, elements unseen his other architectural feats (“must… not… use… curves.”) He did, however, display his signature tardiness in finishing the castle, finished over the course of nine years (art has no deadlines… “dude, you’re fired.”), a span of time in which Figueres had passed away; he never got to use the castle. His wife Maria probably felt responsible, since she was the one who pushed her husband to hire Gaudi, and proceeded to take it out on Gaudi but Gaudi doesn’t take shit from anyone and proceeded at his usual pace. By the time it was done, Maria was too ill to live there alone, so she sold it. It passed among various owners, until it was purchased by Dr. Guilera in 1944, who used it as a hospital, rivaling Sant Pau as a hospital beautiful enough that you wouldn’t mind visiting (even if you were bleeding profusely out of multiple orifices.) The castle became a residence again in 1974, still under the Guilera family, who finally opened it to the public in 2009, not out of the goodness of their hearts, but because they needed the money! (for repairs). Upon your visit, you’ll see that Gaudi still found ways to make the castle his own with its cross and crown topped tower, a symbol of respect for the castle’s regal origins (or an insulting upside-down sword stabbing the king’s head, reinterpreted in light of Casa Battlo.) Above the entrance is an inscription “Purest Maria, conceived without sin,” both a thanks to Maria Figueres for hiring him but also an apology to angry Maria for him taking his sweet time. There’s also a stained-glass star of Venus at the entrance, and you can’t have a Gaudi structure without a dragon (“it’s not finished. it needs more dragon”), the shape of which you can see in the patio. In the garden there’s a shield - the Crown of Aragon - with years 1409 and 1909, when both castles were finished. (also the span it felt like it took for Gaudi to finish).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.bellesguardgaudi.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
tibidabo
The tallest mountain in the region is named after the biblical verse in which the devil, overlooking the world, said to Jesus “I will it give to you.” Local tradition holds that this was the mountain they stood on overlooking Barcelona. (Jesus: “You promised me the world, devil, but all you ever gave me was Barcelona.”) In the late 1800’s there were rumors of a pending Protestant church and a casino, both to be built on the peak of the mountain (not sure which is the worse sin, according to the Catholic church) so the self-proclaimed “board of Catholic knights” (which sounds almost cool, if they dropped the “board” part), purchased the land atop the mountain and gifted it to the visiting Saint John of Bosco, thus killing off two birds - Protestantism and gambling - with one stone. First a hermitage was built in 1886 followed by a viewing platform for the 1888 Universal Exposition. The church, designed by Enric Sagnier, didn’t begin to be constructed until 1902 and wasn’t finished until 1961 (giving Gaudi a run for his money, in terms of being tardy). The final product was dedicated to the sacred heart of Jesus (whose heart is apparently enhanced somehow, maybe he is a cyborg from the future). The interior is mostly bare, except for the Chapel of Perpetual (though unrequited) Adoration, inside the crypt, which was carved into the mountaintop in 1940. Although the Catholics may have won the battle, they definitely lost the war, since most people, yourself included, are here for the amusement park surrounding the church. The park is reached on a funicular, which is amusement enough in itself. You can buy a cheaper ticket just to access the viewing platform, or you can chase the highs even further, and buy yourself a ticket to ride, the ferris wheel or roller coaster, among other attractions - the devil will be pleased.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.tibidabo.cat for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: casino de la rabassada
Perhaps Jesus got the last laugh after all. This casino was opened in 1911, an extension of a hotel built in 1899, just a year before gambling was banned in Catalonia, in 1912. (I guess you can say building the casino was a ‘gamble’ in itself. I guess you can say the house finally lost.) The hotel had other cheap thrills, an amusement park, to keep it afloat until it finally closed in 1930. It was used as a bomb shelter during the Spanish Civil War (finally providing some real thrills to give life new meaning assuming you’d survive). It was officially demolished in 1940, but many of the walls and sculptures still remain. Some can be easily seen from the comfort of your car while driving on the road while others require a bit of getting off your ass for once in your life to have a real authentic experience. Look for remains of a tunnel used for an underground rail if you don’t mind never being from heard again.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes.
laberint d’horta park
With a late 17th century neoclassical garden and a mid-18th century Romantic garden, this 17th century estate has everything you could ask for in terms of gardens, along with a neoclassical hedge maze, with a marble statue of Greek god Eros being the cream filling at the center. The rest of the neoclassical garden is littered with gods which you can pay your respect to depending on what you need more of in life (Dyonysus, god of wine, is on the second terrace, just saying). The neoclassical garden is a tribute to love, but the Romantic garden is an ode to death. If you knew death was all flowers and fountains, you would’ve ‘offed’ yourself sooner.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
Torre Barona
A former defensive tower, built in 1583, Torre Barona was used to warn locals of impending attack by sea, though now it’s used to warn locals not to run around the pool surrounding the base of the tower. The sentries, once stationed atop the tower, would light a fire to signal attack by smoke. Now it’s where the lifeguard goes for his smoke break, but the views of the sea are still incredible.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes.
BONUS: el celler guell
A winery complex commissioned by Eusebi Guell and designed by Antonio Gaudi (the guys who brought you Parc Guell) in 1897 seems too good to be true and it is, because it ceased production in 1936 due to lack of commercial interest. (If we were around back then, we would’ve put them out of business, in a good way) You can still see it from outside and check out adjacent beach.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes.
MUSEU DI MARICEL
This waterfront mansion would probably be better served as our collective summer home, but for now, it houses the 3,000 plus items that comprise the art collection of Dr. Jesus Perez-Rosales, an esteemed gynecologist. The collection isn’t limited to mere representations of female anatomy, but ranges from Romanesque to Renaissance, murals to sculptures, mostly of local artists.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museusdesitges.cat for opening times and more information.
PONT DEL DIABLE (LES FERRERES AQUEDUCT)
Built to supply water to Taraco, or modern-day Tarragonia, this Roman aqueduct was probably built all the way back during the reign of Emperor Augustus, around the turn of the 1st century. Yet, despite what we clearly know about the origin of the bridge, a legend persists that it was built by the devil in exchange for the soul of one fair lady, which honestly is not really a bad deal at all.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.tarragonaturisme.cat for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: TARRAGONA
DAY 2: Temporary Structures (Tarragona)
catedral de tarragona
Part Romanesque and part Gothic, this cathedral was built over the course of both periods due to a long hiatus in construction as a result of the Black Plague (the artisans called in sick with a bad case of the plague). The previous tenants on this site included a Roman temple, Visigoth Cathedral, and Moorish mosque (they probably got evicted due to noise complaints). The door is flanked by the 12 apostles on each side (24 apostles?) while the inside has the standard, albeit beautifully carved biblical decor. What sets the cathedral apart is the cloister, built early 1200’s, including remnants of Roman and Moorish presence, and the rooftop terrace.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.catedraldetarragona.com for opening times and more information.
Circ roma
Built during the reign of Emperor Domitian, around the 1st century AD, this former Roman arena was home to horse and carriage racing, seating up to 30,000 people (hard to believe so many Romans were interested in entertainment that didn’t involve wanton bloodshed) It was used until about the 5th century and despite much of the ruins being obscured by 19th century construction, it’s one of the best preserved circuses today. With underground passage and intact seating, it’s more intact than even those in Rome.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.tarragonaturisme.cat for opening times and more information.
amfiteatre de tarragona
Built in the late 1st century, during the reign of Roman emperor Flavian, this Roman amphitheater was home to gladiator battles of men against men, beast against beast, interspecies fighting, and public executions, the best form of entertainment. Along with the circus, the presence of the amphitheater shows the heights reached by the city of Taraco during the Roman times despite its distance from Rome. It was famously the site of the executions of Fructuosus and his disciples in the 3rd century, who were much later commemorated by the dedication of a Visigoth temple in the 6th century (better late than never), now Romanesque church.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.tarragonaturisme.cat for opening times and more information.
balco de mediterrani
With views overlooking the sea and amphitheater, this balcony is said to give you good luck if you touch the railings (or tetanus, more likely). If you walk further east, on the beach, you’ll find a less-frequented but equally impressive view at Punta del Miracle.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.tarragonaturisme.cat for more information.
monument al castellers
Dedicated to the castellers, or human towers, for which Tarragon is famous for, among several Catalonian cities. If you can catch the construction live, it’s a pretty impressive spectacle, but would be more impressive if they could just stay in place for long term so that people or businesses could move in (it would definitely solve the housing crisis) if you don’t mind your walls watching you.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes.
PRIORAT
Known for its production of red wines, most notably Syrah and Cabernet Sauvignon, Priorat is one of only two regions in Spain, alongside Rioja, with the highest qualifications among Spanish wine producing regions. Record of wine production date back to the 12th century when monks needed copious amounts of liquor to get through a life of asceticism (but how ascetic it is really if you’re drinking copious amounts of liquor). The monks controlled wine production until the territory was commandeered by the state in 1835 (monks always get “the bottom of the barrel”) but in a karmic turn of events, the entire region was devastated with pestilence (you mess with the monks, you mess with the man upstairs). Production wasn’t restored until the 1950’s and bulk wine was replaced with small-batch in 1985 (though I’ll take bulk any day of the week, it’s all the same after a few glasses). Now there are 5,000 acres of pestilence-free vineyards, a lot of ground to cover in a day, but this is what you’ve been training your liver for.
Visit www.winetourismspain.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PRIORAT
DAY 3: A Higher Calling (Cardona & Montserrat)
Monasterio de Santa Maria de Poblet
Founded in 1151 by French Cisterian monks on land conquered from Spanish Moors, Poblet is one of three monasteries that made up the Cisterian Triangle, a set of three monasteries that consolidated Catholic power in 12th century Catalonia (like the Bermuda Triangle, but marked by the disappearance of hedonism). All the kings of Aragon are buried here, from Peter IV to John II, except for Ferdinand II (ever the rebel), some in tombs suspended over archways (even in death they’re far above your common status). The monastery deteriorated quickly in the 1800’s during the First Carlist War and the Ecclesiastical Confiscations under Isabella II. (take our monasteries, but please don’t take our vineyards). Most of the paintings and furniture once herein was stolen and never recovered. The tombs were desecrated and bodies were moved temporarily until the re-foundation of the monastery in the 1940s.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.concaturisme.cat for opening times and more information.
BONUS: torre de vallferosa
Built in 970, Vallferosa Tower was part of an initiative to protect the land from the Moors by building a wall of towers connected by sight (and making the Moors pay for it!) The top of the tower is dotted with archery windows, which kept Moors from coming and stealing jobs. Now that xenophobia is long gone in this world, you can climb the tower just to appreciate the incredible view.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes.
BONUS: cardona
Best known for its primary export, rock salt, Cardona has much more going for it, starting with the Castle of Cardona, perched at the highest point of the town. Built in 886 by Wilfred the Hairy, who was “hairy in places not normally so in men” (we can leave to the imagination), the castle became home for the dukes of Cardona, “the kings without crowns” whose influence spanned across Europe despite their lack of royalty (fake it ‘til you make it). The 11th century Church of St. Miquel houses an impressive polyptych painting by Pere Vall that’s worth a detour. And you can’t leave without seeing the Muntanya de Sal de Cardona, literal mountain of salt, for which the town is famous. The first underground salt mine was formed in the early 1900’s to extract potash, which put Cardona on the map, but also resulted in the deaths of 75 miners over its 60 years of production (you win some, you lose some). The mines have since been converted to a museum, allowing you to walk through and appreciate them without the risk of death.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. minutes. Visit www.cardonaturisme.cat for more information.
MONTSERRAT
The highest point in Catalan is this mountain range, meaning “handsaw,” which quite accurately describes the way it looks from a distance. It’s home to the Benedictine abbey Santa Maria de Montserrat, and it’s famous Black Madonna statue (further evidence Jesus was black, or his mother dabbled in blackface - it wasn’t a big deal back then!) The origins of the statue and abbey remain unclear, but they’ve been around since at least 880 AD. The abbey’s also home to the oldest still active printing press in the world, operating since 1499 (don’t tell them nobody reads books anymore). There’s also a museum featuring works of prominent artists, such as locals Casas, Dali, Miro, and Picasso, as well as foreigners Renoir, Monet, Degas, and El Greco. The building itself is a work of art that inspires, and threatens, the moment you walk in with inscriptions reading “Happy city of Jerusalem, called the vision of peace.” (not exactly accurate at any point in history, but okay) and “Catalonia will be Christian or it will not be” which seems like a very passive-aggressive threat. In more recent history, it was sacked twice by Napoleon but restored in 1844, sacked again during the Spanish Civil War, along with the execution of 22 monks, and later became a symbol of Spanish nationalism under Franco; it’s nice that they restored it, even under dubious circumstances (Heinrich Himmler was invited here in 1940, and didn’t seem to come to any epiphanies about the fundamental tenet of “treating your neighbor as yourself,” later adding “director of extermination” to his resume during the Holocaust). Today, it remains a popular place for young Catholics to hike up to in the middle of the night, to experience the sunset (we on the other hand need our sleep, God knows us best). The abbey’s accessed via cable car or funicular; keep in mind it can take up to an hour waiting in line to see the virgin (and she doesn’t even put out). From here, you can take the funicular further up to see where the monks went when they needed some space from God (get out of my room, God!), as well as some incredible views of the monastery, and countryside, from above. Finally, you can dine above it all at one of four restaurants.
Visit www.montserratvisita.com for more information.