DAY 1: High Brow & Low Brow (Sant Marti & El Born)
la sagrada familia
With its construction beginning in 1882, this long-gestating basilica and symbol of Barcelona is not due for completion until 2026, an entire century after the death of its chief architect, famed artist Antonio Gaudi. Even the pyramids didn’t take that long! Gaudi once cheekily remarked “my client is not in a hurry!” (God’s response “dude, you’re fucking fired”) Designed in the Gothic and Art Nouveau style, it was beset with various complications including a lack of funds (God goes to the bathroom when the bill comes) and the Spanish Civil War in 1936, when anarchists set a fire to the church that destroyed Gaudi’s plans (hard to piece back, since he died 10 years prior). Nevertheless, construction ‘labored’ on, only recently picking up steam with the use of computer software (though perhaps still slowed down by useless memes). When it’s completed it will be the tallest church in the world, just three feet shorter than nearby hill Montjuic, a sign of respect by Gaudi, as if to say man’s creation should not exceed that of God (or rather, plate tectonics - why does God get all the credit) It will have 18 spires to represent the 12 apostles, four evangelists, and Mary and Jesus, with Jesus’ spire being the tallest due to his symbolic stature (he could have been a dwarf and we would never know), and Mary being the shortest (because giving birth to our lord and savior counts for jack shit, and women have always been relegated to the shortest spire, literally and figuratively speaking.) Each spire is mounted with a symbol representative of that person, Jesus with a cross (and Mary probably with a spatula because women belong in the kitchen, right?) There will be a total of three carved facades, two of which are complete. The ornate nativity facade, depicting creation and the birth of Jesus, was carved while Gaudi was still alive, while the bare-bones (literally, looks like bones) passion facade, depicting the sins of man, was carved after he died. The incomplete glory facade, started in 2002, will depict heaven and hell. The interior can’t be described without launching into an extended tangent on art history but its colors and shapes really push the boundary of what you’ve come to expect from churches. Critics initially had mixed reviews of the basilica, ironically describing it as what amounts to the eventual word “gaudy” - as is often the case, critics are miserable, talentless hacks who can only feel good about themselves by criticizing greater minds. A narrow lift takes you to the steeple for beautiful views (book in advance). On your way out, pay your respects to Antonio Gaudi, entombed in the basilica, fitting for a man who spent his last 40 years building it, before he got hit by a tram (God’s way of saying you’re fired.)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.sagradafamilia.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
recinte modernista de sant pau
Going to the hospital is not usually something to look forward to, unless you were admitted to this hospital, inaugurated in 1930, in the modernist style by architect Lluis Domenech i Montaner. Even if you were having a violent seizure and bleeding profusely from multiple gun shot wounds, it would be tough to not appreciate the art nouveau facade and interior design, recently refurbished for preservation. Hopefully you’re not dying because the hospital closed in 2009 (it’s now a museum) so take your wounds elsewhere.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.santpaubarcelona.org for more information.
bonus: torre agbar
Completed in 2003, this building was said to have been inspired by the rock-shapes of the nearby mountain-range Montserrat, though it is also said to have been inspired by a geyser shooting water out of the ground. None of these inspirations caught on with the general public, who nicknamed it “el supositori,” or more basely rather “a giant dildo” because the general public has a low collective IQ and to whom even the most remarkable achievements can be reduced to fart and sex jokes. This high work of art is modern Barcelona’s answer to the Sagrada Familia with an all-glass facade that reflects surrounding light during the day and projects its own light at night. Take the lift to the top for impressive views all around and the ancient Sagrada Familia in the distance. Or you can scale by hand as French Spiderman Alain Robert has done twice (an impressive hand job to say the least).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
la monumental
Although bull-fighting was banned in 2012, this Art-Deco arena, built in 1914, has been preserved and repurposed as a venue for sports, music, and the circus (though if there are no animals painfully bleeding to death, while thousands of people surrounding them shout at them with joy, is it really entertainment?) There’s plenty of precedent for the arena being used as a music venue, with past acts including The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and Bob Marley (did they stab a confused, drugged up bull to death as the opening act?) At least it’s all in the past (albeit not too distant past). The museum inside the arena tries its best to glorify the ‘sport’ and the ‘culture’ surrounding it. If there’s one redeeming thing in the museum, it’s the vintage bullfighting poster collection.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
bonus: biblioteca arus
In case things have gotten a little too low-brow for you (sex and shit jokes, modern-day animal sacrifice), this library, opened to the public in 1895, offers a peaceful refuge for the high-brow among us, with its collection of books related to social movements, such as free-masonry. The collection was bequeathed to the public in the will of the progressive Catalonian Rossend Arud, along with the library, his former home. (We could’ve gotten the villa too if he didn’t marry that gold digging bitch right before he died).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for tickets and more information.
arco di triunfo
Usually if an arch is called “the arch of triumph” you’d think it was dedicated to a victorious but bloody effort in some war, but this arch of triumph doesn’t celebrate triumph at all, unless you count it as an “arch”-itectural triumph. Rather, it was constructed to be the entrance of the 1888 Universal Exhibition, a precursor to the World’s Fair, as a sign of respect for all the participating countries. Perhaps the “triumph” is that all these countries came together in peace rather than in war. (Screw participation trophies. Let’s just duke it out the old-fashioned way. Winner takes all and builds a real arch of triumph. Loser goes home to a decimated wasteland.)
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
bonus: museu de la xocalata
You’d expect a museum of chocolate to be filled with edible items at every turn and a chocolate river running through it all (thank Willy Wonka for creating unrealistic chocolate museum expectations). Instead, all you get is one measly piece of chocolate and a lesson in the history and manufacture of chocolate in Europe. In a ‘nutshell’, cocoa was originally brought (stolen) to Europe from South America, in a fair and equitable exchange for countless fatal sicknesses. (Even though the cocoa was raw and inedible, you can still say South America got the “raw” end of the deal). Europeans didn’t like it, until they started adding sugar and honey to it, turning chocolate into the crack you know and love today. The museum also has sculptures of some of Barcelona’s most famous buildings carved in chocolate (sir, can you please stop eating the sculpture?). Why must they show us all this chocolate if we can’t eat any of it? What kind of sick game is this? There are also, redeemably, chocolate workshops, including one that shows you how to build your own chocolate sculpture. (raises hand - “ma’am, can I have another carving block of chocolate?” “what happened to the huge block I gave you, little Timmy?” “I don’t know.” - burp). It all builds up to an incredibly satisfying gift-shop shopping spree.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museuxocolata.cat for tickets, opening times and more information.
estacion de francia
From 1848 to 2013, this Art Deco train station was the final destination for the passengers arriving via train from France, thus the name “France Station.” Since being replaced by the high-speed-rail accommodating Sants station, Francia is completely useless and only has value in its appearance (the Kardashian of train stations) blending marble and crystal in modern yet classic decor.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
Basilica of Santa Maria del Mar
“Saint Mary of the Sea” was completed in 1383, its name inspired not by Saint Mary being a mermaid but by the naval prowess of the Kingdom of Aragon, at the time of its construction. There’s an inscription on the east side of the building, commemorating the foundation stone laid by King Alfonso IV (“who ever said being king was easy?” he must have insensitively remarked to the group of slaves that actually built the basilica.) It’s the only surviving authentic Gothic Church in Catalonia, surviving over 600 years only to be nearly destroyed in yet another church-fire set by anarchists during the Spanish Civil War in 1936. (We get that you’re upset, but can you not take it out on priceless works of architecture?) The church survived, despite burning for a whole 11 days, but most of the imagery inside the church was lost; the interior remains pretty bare to this day, perhaps having learned a lesson in humility. Nevertheless, the architecture and surviving stained-glass windows, the Rose Window and Window of Ascension, are worth a look.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.santamariadelmarbarcelona.org for opening times and more information.
European Museum of Modern Art or picasso museum
In accordance with your individual taste, choose between these adjacent museums, the first of which is comprised of a collection of 20th-21st century figurative art - in other words, artwork depicting figures that can be distinguished individually as opposed to abstract art, which, when you compare with figurativism, just seems like a lazier form of art. (“This isn’t the report I asked for! This is just a bunch of notes scribbled on a napkin!” “Actually, it’s an abstract report.” “Dude, you’re fucking fired.”) That is possibly why abstract art is so popular, because people are just so lazy and see their own attempts at producing something reflected in the art. Or perhaps it’s just a matter of taste. In any case, you can also indulge yourself in one of the most extensive collections of Picasso works, 4,251 works in total, most of which are from his younger years (so you can see that even famous artists were not born with talent). It was started by his friend Jaume Sabartes and expanded gradually over the years. Every time someone close to Picasso, or Picasso himself, died, they left their collection of Picassos to the museum (or maybe an overzealous curator killed them all off.)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.meam.es or www.museupicasso.bcn.cat for tickets, opening times, more information.
palace of catalan music or Palau Dalmases Flamenco
Like the Recinte Modernista, the Palace of Catalan Music was designed by Lluis Domenech i Monaner in the early 1900’s and both were declared UNESCO world heritage sites in 1997. Originally built for Orfeo Catala, the Catalonian Coral Society, today it hosts a variety of performance types, ranging from symphonies to jazz and Canco (Catalan music). The architecture is distinctly Catalan, which in layman’s terms means it looks like an unorganized mess of decorations, but there’s plenty of beauty to discover in chaos. You can see both Spanish and Arabic influences on the exterior, along with the remnant of a ticket window inside the central pillar. (not the most comfortable work environment to say the least). Once inside you’ll be treated to the only auditorium in all of Europe that’s lit (and lit af) entirely by natural light during the day. Most of the light comes in through an impressive stained glass skylight that also doubles as an illusion. From a distance, it looks like a giant breast protruding outward, but stand underneath and it looks completely flat (an illusion also mastered by women everywhere). The skylight, designed by artist Antoni Rigalt, is meant to evoke the sun and sky, but surrounded by choir of beautiful young women, it’s hard to shake the breast comparisons. At back side of the stage are 18 muses of Greek mythology, their upper bodies sculpted and lower bodies painted, each wearing a different outfit and playing a different instrument; early critics were unsettled by the figures, while current critics probably think they’re kinda hot - not that you’d be distracted by all the feminine imagery while there’s a show going on (eyes on the stage buddy). Performances are a bit sporadic (plan ahead), but if there’s nothing going on, you can still do a tour (worth it for the nipple ceiling alone), then you can catch a traditional flamenco performance at nearby Palau Dalmases, with several shows every night. The building that houses the flamenco performance dates back to the 14th century. Tucked away on a historic Gothic street, the building was once the home of a scholarly society where smart people gathered for overly intellectual conversation. As the home of flamenco, its a lot less stuffy.
Average duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.palaumusica.cat or www.palaudalmases.com for tickets, schedules and more information.
bonus: port olimpic
Much of the day’s itinerary has shifted back between high brow and low brow attractions, but shit is about to get down and dirty. Originally built to host sailing events for the 1992 Olympics, the port is now home to some of the top luxury restaurants and night clubs in Barcelona. In other words, it’s nothing authentic but sometimes you just want to go out and grab a drink. One drink turns to seven and 1 AM turns to 7 AM, and before you know it, the sun is rising. Now you’re “really tired,” and you’ll miss out on a whole day of exploring and culture (also you think you have to vomit) but it was worth it! (?) The beachside sunrise is a nice consolation.
Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BARCELONA
DAY 2: There Goes the Neighborhood (Gracia & Gothic Quarter)
muhba - colina de la rovira
Overlooking Barcelona, this hill has been occupied by various residents since the 4th century, when the indigenous Iberians settled here, probably because of the great view. (Indigenous folks, they’re just like us! No literally they’re just like us, stop killing them off.) After they were probably killed off, the hill wasn’t really utilized until the Spanish Civil War, as a result of the Bombing of Barcelona, the first wide-scale aerial attack on any city. Gun batteries were installed by a Republican-led Barcelona against Nationalist forces led by the dictator Franco. (Franco’s regime was propped up by the likes of Hitler and Mussolini in case you were wondering who’s the bad guy here.) Obviously, the batteries didn’t do much as Barcelona fell in 1939 and was ruled by Franco until his death in 1975. Over the course of the 20th century, there was a major housing shortage that led to the rise of shantytowns, which sounds like fun beachside shacks with unlimited margaritas, but in reality were temporary towns comprised of huts for low income population. 6% of the entire population of Barcelona lived in shantytowns at their peak in the 1950’s with 600 people a living at the base of this hill alone. Not until the 1990’s did the local government supply the people with affordable housing and demolish the shantytown which is a shame because it would’ve made a perfect hipster neighborhood and/or unique Airbnb opportunity with its still amazing view.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
parc guell
Commissioned by Spanish entrepreneur Eusebi Guell and designed by Spanish artist Antonio Gaudi, this park was intended to be an upscale housing development, (the opposite of a shantytown) but only two homes were built before they realized that no one wanted to live in a state of perpetual whimsy so Guell and Gaudi decided to put their money where their money already was and took up residence in the two homes, with the park functioning as their own private backyard. (“Howdy neighbor, how do you do?” “I’m so alone.”) The park was opened to the public after Gaudi’s death in 1926, with his house becoming the Gaudi House Museum, noted for a collection of ornate but uncomfortable-looking Gaudi-designed furniture. (They don’t make furniture like they used to, but at least ours is comfortable enough to use). The park is noted for its terrace overlooking Barcelona, surrounded by the famed mosaic, sea-serpent shaped bench, which is also pretty but painful to sit on (beauty is pain) and its mosaic sculptures, such as the Dragon Stairway (more like a salamander) leading up to the terrace, and the artificial, mosaic-accented cavern under the terrace.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.parkguell.es for opening times and more information.
casa vicens gaudi
Definitely not trying to blend into its surroundings is this summer home, commissioned by the mysterious banker Manuel Vicens i Montaner and designed by Antonio Gaudi in 1883. Gaudi had graduated from architecture school six years earlier, probably busy wondering if he should have just listened to his parents and gone to law school instead, when he was commissioned for this task. He was known previously for his Victorian style so the completed building, one of the first art nouveau buildings ever, marked an extreme change, not only in his own career but in the city’s overall architectural style. You can see an obvious Arabic influence on the building’s facade and if that’s not obvious enough, there’s a Turkish smoking room on the first floor. The dining room is clearly the focal point of the house (before TV’s were invented people would gather to converse with one another over food) with ornate decor that evokes natural themes. The second floor housed the family while the third flood housed the servants (I don’t care how demeaning they are, I just want to live here) all connected by a horse-shoe staircase. The house was opened to the public in 2017.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.casavicens.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
casa mila
Casa Mila was last private residence completed by Gaudi, in 1912, (the first being Casa Vicens) before he moved on to bigger and better things (literally, the Sagrada Familia). It was commissioned by Pere Mila and Roser Segimon, using the money left to Roser by her first, late husband (she definitely killed him). It was originally supposed to be decorated with religious symbols, an element which was abandoned after Barcelona’s Tragic Week of 1909 (why God, why?) The exterior, despite the unique undulating design, ended up looking like something out of the Flinstones, (probably aiming more for The Jetsons) earning the building the nickname “la pedrera” or “stone quarry.” The Milas, who lived on the first floor, while the rest of the building was rented out, had a falling out with Gaudi over construction elements, including the lack of straight walls in their apartment (which, to be fair, is to be expected if you’re working with a modernist architect) which had no place to put Roser’s piano. Gaudi countered that she should learn to play the violin instead (shots fired). After Gaudi died, she got her revenge by getting rid of most of the Gaudi-designed furniture pieces, robbing us of precious artifacts (at no loss of comfort however). After Pere died in 1940, Roser sold Casa Mila, but continued living on the first floor until she died in 1964. The restored interior is now open to the public and has a lot more to offer than the exterior, with its irregular-oval courtyard and cavernous staircases with earth-colored mosaic ceilings. The nicest apartment was ironically the laundry quarters, with its steep arched ceilings, and easy access to the whimsical rooftop, its chimneys doubling as sculptures, known as the “witch scarers.” The only thing Gaudi forgot was the rooftop bar. Again favoring design over function, he installed an elevator that only opens on every second floor so that more residents could interact (or he just really hated handicapped people.)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.lapedrera.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
casa battlo
Joseph Battlo bought the property for his eventual home in 1900 and wanted to redesign it in a way that would make it look like no other building in Barcelona. Who ya gonna call? Antonio Gaudi, he hired, based on his work in Parc Guell (just might be crazy enough to work). Unlike the Milas, the Battlos didn’t want to limit Gaudi in any way (surprise us!) which leads to a less-restrained, more intricate Casa Battlo, completed in 1904 in the Art Nouveau and modernist style. It’s also known as the “house of bones” as the facade has an almost skeletal quality to it, that is, if skeletons were decorated in the mosaic style and evoking a lake surface dotted with water lillies. The facade is capped by a tiled roof that looks like the back of a dragon with the cross that looks like the handle of St. George’s sword in the dragon’s back (et tu, St. George?) The noble floor or main floor is the largest of the floors with floor to ceiling stained glass windows, fashionable yet functional light fixtures, Battlo’s private study and a small spot for courting couples, marked by a suddenly sexual-looking mushroom-shaped fireplace. (I’ve never seen that side of you before, mushrooms) Like Casa Mila, the best room is the top-floor loft with its beautifully arched ceiling, again wasted on laundry quarters, with access to the dragon’s back (the roof), with it’s impressively sculpted chimneys in sets of four. Check out both light-wells on your way out.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.casabatllo.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
placa de catalunya
The “center of Barcelona” is the meeting point of the old Gothic Quarter and the more modern Eixample. Once the gathering place of writers and poets, it is now the gathering place of confused tourists and pigeons, the lowest form of their respective species. Grab a seat among the fountains and statues (not at the overpriced cafes) to watch them meandering in confusion.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
cathedral of barcelona
Only in Barcelona, with the imposing presence of Sagrada Familia, can a massive cathedral be relegated to the shadows. This 13th-15th century construction is dedicated to Saint Eulalia, a virgin martyred during Roman times for refusing to renounce her religion (but probably more for refusing the advances of Roman men). Because men won’t take no for an answer, they ripped Eulalia’s clothes off in public but a miraculous snowfall covered her beauty (anyone else rather be nude in public than covered with snow?) and she lived happily ever after, the end. (Actually, the Romans put her in a barrel stuck with knives and rolled her down the hill - where were you on that one, God?) She’s entombed in the church crypt. Also of interest in the church is a pen of geese, 13 in total, because that’s how old Eulalia when she was killed. (If there’s grass on the field, stuff her in a barrel of knives, and roll her down the hill) Also of note is a side-chapel (for when you get tired of praying in your main squeeze), the Chapel of Lepanto, with a leaning Christ crucifix. One legend says that the figure of Christ leaned to avoid cannonball fire in the Battle of Lepanto (allowing an innocent bystander to get killed instead). Another legend say it leaned to plug up a hole on the side of a sinking ship, but more than anything, its posture looks like that of a martyred 13 year old girl posing on the cross for the ‘gram. There’s a gargoyle zoo on the roof, plus the remains of the previous church at the nearby Museum of the History of Barcelona.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.catedralbcn.org for opening times and more information.
bonus: Museu Frederic Mares or Museum of the History of Barcelona
Various items from the 15th to 19th centuries were collected by sculptor (and collector) Frederic Mares over the course of his life, including creepy dolls, creepy sculptures, and creepy Jesuses (Jesi?) along with other household items, on display at this gallery, which grew in size as his collection grew. He started collecting when his father was offered a painting the family could not afford, which somehow triggered him to become a hoarder. Unlike other collectors, mostly from wealthy families, Fred’s family could not support his endeavor, (enable his addiction) so he had to spend all the money he made over the course of his sculpting career to build this collection. It all amounts to… a bunch of useless junk, but organized in a way that makes it look aesthetically pleasing as a whole. Down the street is the Museum of the History of Barcelona housed in the Casa Padellas, which was moved brick by brick from a previous location. During the move, the ruins of a whole Roman village were discovered including a winery, laundry (nicest room in the village) and a salted fish factory (BYOB… B as in bagel). The museum also includes a medieval Royal Palace, with 14th century ceremonial hall and a church dedicated to Saint Agatha, with a 15th century altarpiece by a Catalan artist, Jaume Huguet.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museumares.bcn.cat or www.barcelonaturisme.com for tickets, times and more info.
BONUS: Basilica dels Sants Martirs just i pastor
Barcelona’s oldest church was completed in 1574 and dedicated to Saints Justus and Pastor, Christian boys beheaded in 304 C.E. for refusing to renounce their faith. (God: “I appreciate the devotion, but seriously guys, that was unnecessary.”) There’s a decent chance this never really happened, as a previous structure on the same exact site was dedicated to two similar sounding pagan- pals Pollux and Castor (in other words, religious appropriation). Even the patron saint of Catalonia “La Moreneta” is really Isis, the Egyptian god (not the terrorist organization). Basically, everything you believe in is a lie, but you’ll be less disappointed if you just appreciate the real things in front of you, like the Gothic interior, stained glass, and view of the Gothic Quarter from the bell tower.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
temple d’august
Dedicated to Caesar Augustus, this temple was built around the 1st century AD, and was part of the Barcino neighborhood, the remnants of which are on display at the Museum of the History of Barcelona. The temple probably fell out of fashion before or during the persecution of the pagans in the 4th century (treat your neighbor as yourself, unless they’re pagans, then kill them).
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
placa de Sant Felip Neri
Originally the site of the Palace of Saint Neri, built in 1752, this plaza came to house various Baroque buildings that were moved from other parts of the city, to preserve them from rapidly modernizing neighborhoods. The plaza now contains the Church of Saint Neri and the School of Saint Neri which weren’t that interesting in themselves until the dictator Franco bombed Barcelona during the Spanish Civil War in 1938. A bomb landed in this plaza, killing 30 people, most of them schoolchildren. (The only thing that can stop a bad man with a bomb is a bunch of good schoolchildren, each with their own bomb.) If that wasn’t bad enough, rescue efforts were thwarted by the landing of a second bomb, which killed an additional dozen people. You can see the marks the bombs left on the walls of the surrounding buildings, though for a long time, people were misled by Franco loyalists to think that the marks were left from anarchists executing priests by firing squad thus justifying the bombing of the city (#fakenoticias).
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
la rambla & PLACA REIAL
The tree-lined pedestrian avenue separating the Gothic Quarter and Raval is actually comprised of several different “ramblas” joined together, which, at less than a mile-long, seem a lot longer than they really are. The Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca was quoted as wishing it “would never end,” there must have been less tourists and pickpockets back when because this street can’t end soon enough. It makes sense considering it was once a sewage-filled river, at least before the area was developed in 1377 and the stream diverted in the 1440. At least it’s not as crazy as it used to be, with anarchists burning monasteries, and the friars inside, during the St. James Night Riots of 1835, and the Franco air attacks during the Spanish Civil War. The 2017 terrorist truck attack that killed 15 tourists seems like a return to the normal; on the bright side, it instilled some fear to keep the average tourist away and clear up some much-needed space to enjoy the flower stalls, Mosaic de Joan Miro and the Font de Canaletes fountain. To the east is Placa Reial, a 19th century square, with street lights designed by Gaudi. It was originally a monastery for Capuchin monks, but it was demolished and replaced by pretty much the opposite, a square teeming with late-night hedonism.
Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com or www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: barcelona
DAY 3: The Best Defense is a Good Offense (El Raval & Sants Montjuic)
mercado de la boqueria
A public market off La Rambla, La Boqueria has been selling food since as far back as 1217, starting with beef, pig being added to in 1470. It wasn’t officially called La Boqueria until a permanent structure was built in 1840, “boq” meaning goat, meaning goat has been sold here as well since at least that time. It’s unclear at what point they started selling goat heads or why they thought it was a good idea, but apparently Spanish folks like to eat goat heads because you can’t walk two minutes in this market without seeing a skinned goat head and its bat-shit gaze in your peripheral vision, telepathically crying out to you to put it out of its damn misery.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.boqueria.barcelona for opening times and more information.
palau guell
Even before Parc Guell was built, Antonio Gaudi had already collaborated with Spanish entrepreneur Eusebi Guell on this mansion, built for Guell to entertain guests. They certainly had their priorities in order, with the most attention to detail being put toward the party room. At night, the room is lit wholly by suspended lanterns, giving the impression of partying under stars (lit af more like it).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.palauguell.cat for tickets, opening times and more information.
mirador de colom
Constructed in 1888, this statue commemorates Columbus first voyage to America and his reporting back to Queen Isabella I and King Ferdinand V in Barcelona (How was your trip? It looked amazing!). Columbus points out to the sea, because obviously. (Even though pointing is rude.) There’s an lift inside the column that takes you just below the statue so you too can point toward the sea.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for more information.
montjuic castle
The “Jewish mountain” is named for the remains of a medieval Jewish graveyard on the peak of this hill (not because the Jews own everything, as the popular theory goes). The foundation stone for the defensive fortress was laid in 1640 just in time for the Catalan Revolt of 1641, a revolt against the Spanish kingdom. The fortress proved useless (you had one job) as the rebellion was quickly crushed by the forces of Spanish King Pedro Fajardo then proved useless again when the fortress was taken back in the Battle of Montjuic shortly after. Maybe they thought if they expanded it into a castle, as they did in 1694, it would be less immune to capture, but no, the castle was captured by the British in the 1705 siege of Barcelona and then by the French a hundred years later in the Napoleonic Wars (who hasn’t captured this castle?). The castle was then recaptured by the Spanish kingdom using it over the course of the next few hundred years to cannon the ever-feisty people of Barcelona into submission. (if you don’t blow stuff up every few years, they tend to get out of hand). The castle was later used to imprison and execute people in the Spanish Civil War, on both sides of the conflict (equal opportunity executions), culminating in the execution of the president of Catalonia, Lluis Companys, in 1940. It’s a little light on the executions nowadays, but the castle and garden make for a nice afternoon stroll.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
bonus: Cementiri de Montjuic
A major boom in the population of Barcelona in the 1800’s led to a greater demand for burial facilities (everyone’s doing it), which led to the establishment of this cemetery in 1883. This location was chosen because it’s far from most residential areas, (where did you find this bone, Sparky?) and because it’s set on a hill, with great water views (almost making you want to be buried here, even if you won’t appreciate it when you’re dead, since death is nothing but a hopeless and infinite darkness). But you’re alive now, is all that counts, unlike the millions of suckers buried here (sucks to be you, lol), like Joan Miro and executed president Lluis Companys.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
Joan Miro Foundation & Joan Miro Park
In conjunction with his friend Joan Prats, Joan Miro (who apparently only hung out with people also named Joan), established this museum in 1968 as a place for young artists to experiment though he basically filled it up with all his own works (don’t mind if I do) including some of his well-known works Man and Woman in Front of a Pile of Excrement (so much for art being high-brow) Naked Woman Climbing a Staircase (not as sexy as you’d think, being contemporary art), The Barcelona Series, 50 black and white lithos and The Caress of a Bird sculpture (to satisfy all your avian fetishes) on the rooftop. One of his most impressive works, however, is at the nearby Joan Miro Park, a good change from its previous name, “Slaughterhouse Park,” named after a Franco-era slaughter house that once stood here. At 72 feet tall towers Miro’s Dona i Ocell, “Woman and Bird,” further evidence of a serious avian fetish.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.fmirobcn.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: Parc de L'espanya industrial
On the site of a long-standing textile mill, which moved to another location in 1972, this park opened in 1985, with a giant sculpture of a dragon, made of metal, which doubles as a slide (the best sculptures are also slides) great for kids, or for adults trying to find themselves. There’s also original sculptures from the 1929 International Exhibition and nine lighthouses reflecting its industrial past.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.barcelonaturisme.com for opening times and more information.
camp nou
The largest stadium in Europe, Camp Nou has a seating capacity of just under 100,000 - suffice to say, it can get pretty loud in here on game day. The stadium has seen many historic events, such as the 1982 World Cup, and the 1989 and 1999 Euro Cup. A record attendance of 120,000 was set in 1986, an FC Barcelona match against Juventus which meant tens of thousands of fans stood up to cheer their team on for 90 minutes (which says a lot about futbol fans relative to American sports fans, who would probably rather watch from the comfort of their couch, with an unnecessarily large sandwich, than watch it live, while standing, without said sandwich.) The stadium was completed in 1957, seven years after the signing of Laszlo Kubala, a huge talent back then, which drew more interest in the FC Barcelona. Now FC is one of the most storied franchises in futbol, and the fourth most valuable sports team in the world, attracting many famed talents over the years, including Puyol, Ronaldhino, Iniesta, Neymar, and more recently, Pique, Luis Suarez, and the legend in the making Lionel Messi. Even if you’re not a futbol fan, it’s still an epic experience to see a match live. And if you are a rabid fan, but there’s no match on during your time in Barcelona, you might be interested in its FC Barcelona Museum, second most visited museum in Barcelona. Then scream rabidly into an empty stadium.
Average duration: 120 minutes. Visit www.fcbarcelona.com for tickets, match schedule and more information.