DAY 1: All Things Underappreciated (Utrecht)
castle de haar
Bequeathed to the de Haar family in 1391, this castle changed hands many times over the following centuries before falling to ruin in the late 1600’s - does nobody want this castle? Because I would gladly have it. In the late 1800’s, the heir of the castle, of the van Zuylen family, married into the Rothschild family (smart move), who fully financed the renovations under the direction of architect Pierre Cuypers of the Rijksmuseum and Amsterdam Central fame (Netherlands - Part 1). Many interesting touches were added for the castle, such as the statue of Cuypers himself in the first floor gallery and the Stars of David in the Knight’s Hall, referring to the Rothschilds’ heritage (insert anti-semitic conspiracy theory here), and coats of arms of previous residents carved into kitchen tiles.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.kasteeldehaar.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
utrecht
From the Middles Ages until the Dutch Golden Age, Utrecht was the center of both culture and religion in the Netherlands, before Amsterdam just had to come along with its science and reason and take the spotlight away from this under-appreciated gem. A visit here should begin at the Dom Tower, the highest church tower in the Netherlands; it’s a steep 465 step trip which is probably 465 steps too many, but it’s high enough to catch Amsterdam on a clear day. You can always walk it off, or sit it off rather, along the cellars of the canal, many of which house restaurants, cafes and bars as well as galleries and shops. If you have the physical and mental strength required, there are several interesting museums worth a visit, including DomUnder, the interactive exhibition under Dom Tower, which takes you through the history of Utrecht via illuminated murals. If you appreciate music or you’re easily amused, check out Museum Speelklok, featuring an exciting variety of clockwork instruments, some centuries old and in working condition. If you’re with children, they (at your expense) will enjoy the Nintje Museum, devoted to Miffy - a famous cartoon rabbit.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.visit-utrecht.com for more information.
BONUS: pyramide van austerlitz
Once French General August de Marmont had gathered an army here in 1804, he and his men got bored waiting for Napoleon’s orders so they did what any bored men would do - they decided to built a pyramid - based on what Marmont had witnessed on Napoleon’s campaign in Egypt. They soon after went on to fight in the Battle of Austerlitz, in which Napoleon was victorious and so his brother, Louis Bonaparte, king of Holland, renamed the hill Pyramide van Austerlitz against Marmont’s wishes. That’s what conquerors do, they take shit that don’t belong to them. It’s a short walk to the top to reconquer the hill in the name of Marmont.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.pyramidevanausterlitz.nl for opening times and more information.
kroller-muller museum
It took some years after Van Gogh’s death for people to appreciate his genius, since most people are talentless hacks, with little appreciation for anything of quality. One of the first patrons to recognize his genius was Helen Kroller-Muller, who had foresight enough to buy dozens of his works for near nothing, amounting to a value of hundreds of millions of dollars in today’s currency, and yet she didn’t even profit off them. She donated them to the Netherlands - what a waste! But if not for her generosity, there would be no museum here, featuring the second largest collection of Van Gogh works in the world, after the Van Gogh Museum. (Netherlands - Part 1). Highlights include Cafe Terrace at Night and Sorrowing Old Man as well as works from Claude Monet and Pablo Picasso, among others. And if that wasn’t enough to sate your sudden appreciate of art, after it’s been deemed of quality, the museum also features one of the largest sculpture gardens in Europe, with exceptional works by Rodin, DuBuffet and others.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.krollermuller.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: APPELDORN
DAY 2: Safe Haven (Gelderland)
hoge veluwe national park
The largest natural park in the Netherlands was originally the private backyard of Helen Kroller-Muller, the chief patron of the Kroller-Muller Museum. (“All I want is to retire on a nice little plot of 13,000 acres.”) You can’t help but feel bad for her, when the times got tough and they had to sell the land; poor people already had nothing to lose. But like the museum one woman’s loss equals everyone else’s gain - now we have a beautiful park, with multiple landscapes - from woods to sand dunes - to explore. There’s also a wide variety of wildlife, originally imported for the hunting purposes of Helen’s husband Anton, though now they roam free; hopefully they appreciate their newfound freedom, otherwise, we would love to have some fresh venison for dinner. You can get around by bike, with a free bicycle share system, or by foot, on the 2.5 mile, diverse terrain of the Landscape Path.
Suggested duration: 3 hours. Visit www.hogeveluwe.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: radio kootwijk
Built in 1918, this former radio transmitter was crucial for important overseas communication (and maybe even a few prank calls) with the Dutch East Indies. It was such an important fixture that a whole town was built around it by the same name - the building is technically called Building A. Unfortunately for Radio Kootwijk, the advent of satellite communications made the radio obsolete, as Steve Jobs would’ve said in a keynote speech, had he invented satellite, but Building A still remains in all of its art-deco beauty.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.radiokootwijk.nu for opening times and more information.
apenheul
Since 1971, this zoo has maintained a “safe haven” (“-heul”) for humans’ closest genetic relatives - apes, monkeys, and over 30 types of primates - closer to some humans than others, certainly. It’s the first zoo in the world where monkeys can walk freely among humans, an important first step in their integration and eventual takeover of the planet. Best to get on their good side.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.apenheul.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
giethoorn
Known as the “Dutch Venice,” but without the noise and commercialism, this town can only be explored via boat as there are no roads for cars to pass. Who would’ve thought this charming village could be founded by Flagellants, people who whip their own flesh, (and not even for sexual reasons) in 1230. In the 17th century, the canals were dug up to transport peat from the farmland. Nowadays it’s less industry and more “town you’d be happy to die inside.” There are only 2600 residents, completey dwarfed by the 200,000 Chinese tourists that have strangely decided they’d also like to die here; town signs are also translated in Mandarin. And if it wasn’t quaint enough, they’ve added a bike path along the canal - A BIKE PATH! Yeah you’re definitely staying the night.
Visit www.giethoorntourism.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: giethoorn
DAY 3: Faces of Death (Friesland)
drents museum
Opened in 1854, this museum houses an extensive collection of artifacts, most notably the bog bodies - bodies mummified by wet lands - of prehistoric Drenthe, including the famous Yde Girl who despite having lived over 2000 years ago, does not look one day over 1,900. A 1992 artistic rendering shows you what she actually may have looked like when she was alive and honestly she looks pretty hot. But don’t get any ideas. Her overprotective brothers, the Weedinge Men and Exloermond Man are also on display here.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit drentsmuseum.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: klimcentrum bjoeks
Speaking of death, defying it preferably, the town of Groningen boasts a 37 meter climbing wall, the tallest of its kind in the world. For those who’d like to live to see tomorrow, there are practice-boulders and shorter walls indoors. There’s also a bar to celebrate after your climb, or you can grab a drink beforehand to lower your inhibitions, at the minor expense of a total loss in coordination.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.bjoeks.nl for opening times and more information.
hervormde kerk
Sometimes when you’re on vacation, it’s nice to stop at a church like Hervormde Kerk in Wieuwert, to take a moment to reflect on your life and how blessed you are to be alive. Also, there are four totally awesome mummies in the basement! It sucks to be dead, lol. The bodies are believed to have belonged to 17th century Protestants - their decomposition slowed by the room’s cool dryness.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Eise Eisinga planetarium
This planetarium so old, it’s known as an “orrery,” because the word “planetarium” didn’t even exist yet. Oh snap! This planetarium so old, it’s operated by a pendulum clock! Sick burn bro. This planetarium so old, it’s listed as a Dutch heritage site! Oh no he didn’t. The oldest working “planetarium” in the world still hangs in the 18th century home of Eise Eisinga just above the dining room table.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.planetarium-friesland.nl for opening hours and more information.