DAY 1: Running a Red Light (Red Light District)
royal palace amsterdam
A relic of 17th century Amsterdam, the Dutch Golden Age, this palace was intended to serve as city hall until King Louis Napoleon, brother of Napoleon Bonaparte, rose to power and thought the palace would be better served as a a nice little house for himself. The facade is brown but is actually made of yellow stone, a casual reminder of the toxic air we breathe. The interior is composed mostly of marble, best seen in the Burgerzaal, (not a new fast-food spot) the Citizen's Hall, with global and celestial maps carved into the marble floor. Also decorating the interior are famous works of art, including the incomplete cycle of a dozen paintings by Govert Flinck, who poured his life into his work (literally dying in the process). Poet Constantijn Huygens referred to this palace as the 8th wonder of the world; it's a great building and all, but Huygens was clearly not a well-traveled poet. The palace is still used by royalty for ceremonial purposes, but it's a public property now, which technically makes it your home... so kick back and enjoy.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.paleisamsterdam.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
dam square
Undoubtedly the Times Square of Amsterdam, with hordes of tourists walking around and yet nothing really going on here, this square was named after the dam as which it once functioned, built in 1270 to protect the city from the threats of flooding of the Amstel river. (Yes, Amstel beer is named after the river. And before you start drinking polluted river water, the river is not flowing with beer, though the water was once used to make beer, which explains why most beer tastes like carbonated river water.) The city expanded around the dam, surrounding it by land on all four sides; and thus it came to be a square (although it's more of a rectangle, but we're not ones to nitpick, even if we just did.) Besides the Royal Palace, there's also a controversial war memorial, controversial because apparently it's phallic. (Get your heads out of the gutter people. It's a column). The square hosts fairs and markets, even protests, famously by the Dam Square Hippies (Dam Hippies!) but for the most part, really nothing going on here.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for more information.
hash, marihuana & hemp museum
Dude, should we hit up the Hash Museum and do some "research," bro? Though if you're looking to do "research," you may be a bit disappointed to be confronted by actual research into the science, history, and political implications of marijuana, most likely not what you signed up for but if you're going to spend the majority of your waking life stoned out of your mind at least take an hour out of your time to learn more about it. Bro, should we get high first and then hit up the museum? Great idea, dude! You will get to sample some weed ("dude, they have a vape!") but you don't need to be high to enjoy the museum, or life for that matter.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit hashmuseum.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
de waag
Built in 1488, this house was one of three major guardhouses to the city before the city expanded, turning it into a "weigh house" (not where people weighed themselves and slowly walked away in despair, but where incoming goods were weighed for taxes.) and the upper floors were used by guilds of various trades, of which you can still find remnants in the decor. In Napoleonic time, the house really went in the opposite direction and was used as a place for public executions; the French love a good execution. Thirst for blood eventually gave way to hunger for food - it's now a restaurant but the beautiful 15th century ambience remains.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for more information.
the oude church
The oldest building in Amsterdam, this church was built in the early 13th century but like all old people that just refuse to give up, it has undergone many changes over the years, cosmetic and otherwise, from wood to stone and Roman Catholic to Calvinist. Even as times change - it's now flanked by a sex shop and a "coffee shop" in the heart of Red Light District no less (Touche Satan!) - it's still going strong. Check out the 17th century grand organ. There's also an International Organ Festival if you're around in summer.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit oudekerk.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
ons' lieve heer op solder
After the transition of the church from Catholic to Dutch Reform in the 1600's, it became illegal for Catholics to do worship in public; they had to resort to what was basically a "church speakeasy," speakeasy referring to confession, rather than classy overpriced cocktails. The "Museum of our Lord in the Attic" was a taste of their own medicine, given their own rich history of persecution, but there's a happy ending. Order was restored to Catholicism in the Netherlands in the 1800's, and hopefully, a lesson was learned by all those involved. The church is now preserved as testament to the importance of religious freedom.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.opsolder.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
amsterdam centraal
Designed by Pierre Cuypers in 1889, this transit hub was once-maligned for looking out of place among Amsterdam architecture, whereas nowadays, the station practically defines it. Critics - what do those sniveling half-wits know about architecture anyway?
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for more information.
a'dam lookout
Now that you've experienced the gritty underbelly of the Red Light District, and hopefully left with your dignity intact, it's time to rise above temptation, literally, with a see-through elevator ride to the top of A'Dam Tower for the best views in town. If trying to chase your pre-established high, you can hit up the bar, or settle for the "natural high" of Over the Edge, the highest swing in the world, where you'll swing back and forth over the edge of the building over 300 feet from the ground below. Let's just get a beer.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.adamlookout.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: amsterdam
DAY 2: Whatever Floats Your Boat (Jordaan & Grachtengordel)
der poezenboot
The world's only "cat-boat" is sort of like Noah's ark, if Noah was a deranged cat lady and decided that instead of saving two of each animal, he would just fill the ark with cats. Since 1968, the boat has served as a refuge for abandoned cats, more proof that cats are basically unlovable and dogs rule. You can pet them if they'll allow it (since they are "pets" after all it shouldn't be up for discussion). You can't adopt them (why would you do that to yourself?) but if you are feeling smitten by a kitten, you can donate.
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit depoezenboot.nl for opening times and more information.
bonus: the ritman library
Also known as the Bibliotheca Philosophica Hermetica, which sounds like something way out of your educational league, this collection holds over 23,000 volumes on Hermeticism, or ancient texts of a spiritual or magical nature. More Dan Brown than Harry Potter, it was this collection that actually inspired the story of The Da Vinci Code, which happens to be the closest most people will ever get to an understanding of Hermeticism. At least we can look at the texts and pretend to absorb information.
Suggested duration: 45-60 minutes. Visit www.ritmanlibrary.com for opening times and more information.
electric ladyland
Dude, is it really colorful in here or is that just the drugs kicking in? Fortunately, you don't have to be on drugs to experience this acid-trip of a museum, the first wholly devoted to the art of fluorescence. While it's certainly geared toward the stoner (and you will definitely see stoners gaping like they just reached nirvana) there's enough stimuli to make you feel like you're tripping balls.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.electric-lady-land.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
anne frank house
Anne Frank lived in the back of this house which sucked for two reasons, first of all because the best views, of the canal, are in the front of the house, and second of all, because she and her family were hiding from Nazis. They were eventually captured by Nazis and Anne tragically perished in a concentration camp but her memory would live on in the form of her diary, which she very likely would've wanted nobody to read (good luck reading her diary when she was alive!), and yet, it went on to be read by pretty much everyone (how embarrassing). The most important thing to take from her legacy is not the horrors of war or the tragedy of a lost innocence, but that if she were alive today, she would've been a Belieber, according to Justin Bieber, who famously visited in 2013.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.annefrank.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
homomonument
The first memorial to the gays and lesbians killed by Nazis during World War II has also served as a makeshift memorial and vigil site for other atrocities since committed against the LGBTQ community, of which there have been way too many to list, and that's not even including the fashion atrocities committed by cis-men on a daily basis. This moving memorial is comprised of three pink, granite triangles to form one large triangle, a popular LGBTQ symbol, reclaimed from the triangle identification badges that were used to identify gays and Jews, with bright pink and yellow triangles respectively. If you're gonna go out at least go out with style.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.homomonument.nl for more information.
begijnhof
Built for a nun-like Catholic sisterhood, this 14th century courtyard is still occupied exclusively by single women; it's ladies night every night in Begijnhof! (Single guys - dress to impress!) You'll also find the oldest-surviving house in Amsterdam, built in 1420, plus another clandestine church, the Begijnhof Chapel, with stained glass windows telling the tale of the Miracle of Amsterdam. Basically some guy vomited a Jesus cracker into a fireplace and the cracker didn't burn, prompting Catholics from all over the world to make pilgrimage here; this made Amsterdam into a major city and gave new meaning to the phrase "puke and rally."
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for more information.
bonus: bijbels museum
Whether you're a religious zealot or an atheist, there are many pieces of interest among this collection, including dusty, old bibles, archaeological finds from biblical times, and architectural models of biblical temples, to further cement your preconceived beliefs.
Suggested duration: 45-60 minutes. Visit www.bijbelsmuseum.n for tickets, opening times and more information.
bloemenmarkt
Since 1862, this floating flower market has singlehandedly kept the passion alive in countless relationships, as well as saving other couples from the brink of disaster. (Sorry about the adultery. Here's some flowers!) Since you don't have a home here to put your flowers in, it's mostly reduced to a photo-op but you could buy flowers and have them shipped anywhere in the world, if you're in the market for a pricy alternative to 1800-Flowers. (Sorry I went to Amsterdam with my bros instead of you. Here's some flowers! Also had sex with multiple hookers yesterday in the Red Light District. Hope the flowers make up for that too. See you soon babe!)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for opening times and more information.
kattenkabinet
William Meijer must've really loved his cat Tom because when Tom passed away in 1990, Meijer founded this museum in its honor, more evidence that cat owners are secretly slaves to their cats. (The cat wouldn't have appreciated it when he was alive, let alone in death.) Nevertheless, it's a whimsical collection that takes itself just as seriously as any collection, making it all the more absurd.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.kattenkabinet.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
canal cruise
A typical way to explore the city commonly referred to as "the Venice of the north" is via a canal cruise, and for good reason; the canals offer the most scenic views of the city, especially come sunset. You can do the regular tour, or choose from one of several add-ons, such as a candle-lit dinner or pizza party. The fact that there's no weed add-on seems like a wasted opportunity. BYOW.
Average tour duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.amsterdam.info for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: amsterdam
DAY 3: Galleries Galore (Museumkwartier & Weesperbuurt)
van gogh museum
Over 200 paintings and 500 drawings comprise the largest collection of Vincent Van Gogh's works in the world, all beginning with a collection of paintings that went unsold after his death (never give up trying, even after death). The museum is organized into 5 sections, corresponding to the different phases of his work (the goth phase was a little weird.) It's a frequent target of art theft, as it was struck by robberies in 1991 and 2002, but unlike in the Ocean's movies, the thieves were not that successful, or good looking.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.vangoghmuseum.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
Bonus: cuypersbiblioteek
Not that you're actually going to sit here and read while you're on vacation, nevertheless, this library, the art history research wing of the nearby Rijksmuseum, is the perfect place to sit and read if only you had the attention span to do so; many of the books are picture books, being art-related so you can pass for an intellectual with minimal effort and prepare yourself for the following stop.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.rijksmuseum.nl for opening times and more information.
rijksmuseum
Founded in 1800, this museum has evolved from a collection of 200 to over 1,000,000 objects today, of which 8,000 are on display at any given time. It was originally built as a showcase of Dutch excellence, nothing more symbolic of this than the works found in the Asian wing. Jokes aside, there's plenty of works for the Dutch to be proud of, including Rembrandt's The Night Watch and The Jewish Bride, alongside masterpieces of other Dutch artists, including The Milkmaid, The Threatened Swan and Winter Landscape with Skaters. There are 80 rooms to explore, so map out your visit or hire a tour guide. Suffice to say, you're not here for Asian art.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.rijksmuseum.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
heineken experience
Bro, let's hit up the Heineken Experience! Yeah bro, let's get tanked! The only way you'll get tanked here is if you happen to fall into one of the beer tanks, an impressive feat considering it's basically a sober tour. You won't get to drink the namesake brew until the end of the tour, which is a shame because who wants to learn about stuff while sober. Whether you like Heineken specifically, beer in general, or you're just into general chemistry, you'll leave with a greater understanding of the brewing process, with a few beers as a reward for your efforts which is good on you; you could've just gotten wasted at any local bar but these beers you've earned.
Tour duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.heineken.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: museum of bags and purses
If while in Amsterdam, the wife asks you to take her purse shopping, you can take her here where she can look but she can't buy. This museum holds over 5,000 unique purses dating all the way back to the Middle Age - yes, even women from the Middle Ages spent their money frivolously - along with iconic handbags worn and filled with useless junk by Margaret Thatcher and Madonna.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit tassenmuseum.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: collectie six
Since the 18th century, this private art collection has remained with the same family, growing over time, as it was passed down from generation to generation. Back then, if you had an art collection it was custom to invite people to your home, basically to brag and make your friends and neighbors feel like dirt in comparison, the modern day equivalent of a trendy Instagram feed. Now open to make the general public feel like dirt, it's a very intimate collection in which exquisite detail is given to every piece.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit en.collectiesix.nl for booking, opening times and more information.
hortus botanicus
One of the oldest of its kind in the world, this botanical garden was originally cultivated as an herb garden for medicinal plants, which played a huge role in curbing deaths from the plague epidemic of the early 1600's. Stoners somehow expecting a garden filled with marijuana may leave upset, but any sensible person will be impressed by the plant variety, some over 1000 years old.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.dehortus.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
micropia
If you'd like to learn more about the microbes that caused the plague as well as other microbes (said no one ever), this museum, another first of its kind, tells you everything you need to know about the micro world around us. It all basically boils down to this: microbes - can't live with them, can't live without them. But the exhibit is worth seeing more for the multi-colored displays, as well as the Kiss-O-Meter which shows you can many microbes are exchanged in a kiss, more if you're coming from Red Light District.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.dehortus.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.