DAY 1: 360 Degree Views (The Hague)
Het Strijkijzer
Inspired by the Flatiron Building in New York, this skyscraper, literally meaning “the flatiron,” was completed in 2007 and serves as both a residential and a commercial building, maybe even both for a very lucky few. With 300 studio apartments for students and first-time owners, in addition to 51 luxury apartments, it’s actually affordable for people to live here, as opposed to other cities that relegate their own citizens to the streets in favor of international money-launderers (ahem… New York). Take the elevator up to the 42 floor, the highest a tourist can get in the Hague without resorting to recreational drugs, for a view of the city and the North Sea.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.haagsetoren.nl for opening times and more information.
Grote of Sint-Jacobskerk
Built in the 14th century, this Protestant church is one of the oldest buildings in the Hague so it has been through a lot. The original structure was made from wood, which is never a good idea; the church burnt down after a lightning induced fire in the mid-1400’s. (“Hope you like the church we built for you God. If you want us to change anything, give us a sign.”) It was rebuilt soon afterwards in brick and (apparently pleasing to a supremely design-conscious God) has lasted through another fire in the 1700’s up until now. You can climb the 233-step tower, but you’ve had better views today. Save what little energy you have in your rapidly aging body.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.denhaag.com for opening times and more information.
binnenhof
Originally built as a residence of the counts of Holland (none of whom were called Dracula or Chocula) in the 13th century, it soon after, in 1446, became the meeting place for the bickering old men of Holland (Parliament), making it the oldest active Parliament in the world. The oldest building, and thus the most worth seeing, is the Ridderzaal, or “Knight’s Hall,” which dates way back to the 12th century. Looking like a low-budget Game of Thrones set, it houses the royal throne and is used once per year for ceremonies.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.denhaag.com for opening times and more information.
Panorama Mesdag
Painted by Hendrik Willem Mesdag in 1881, this 360 degree panorama depicts the beach of nearby Scheveningen as it was in the day, clear and clean, before it became infested with parasites (the average beach-goer). It wraps 120 meters around the viewing platform, and the foreground is covered in sand, giving the viewer the impression of actually being at the beach; don’t be fooled, you’re not actually at the beach, and even if you were, it wouldn’t be a nude beach. So, please put your clothes back on - thanks!
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.panorama-mesdag.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
MADURODAM
Disney World isn’t the only place that has a “small world after all.” This park, featuring miniature scale models of Dutch landmarks and cities, albeit without an annoying repetitive tune played throughout, is named after George Maduro, a Jewish law student who joined the Dutch resistance against the Nazis before he was captured and taken to a concentration camp, where he died. His folks donated the remainder of the funds needed to build this park, which serves, to this day, as a non-profit business - 100% of revenue goes to various charities. The park’s interactive so you can make little people dance. “Dance Dammit Dance!” It’s for a good cause.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.madurodam.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
celestial vault, james turrell 1996
In this interactive art installment, designed by James Turrell, you enter a grass-lined artificial crater, where you can lie down on a bench and look up the sky as if it were a natural dome or you could just sleep there if you’re too cheap to pay for an actual hotel. As an added bonus, it’s not far from the beach, in the event that Panorama Mesdag had you craving some actual waves and sun.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.denhaag.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: THE HAGUE
DAY 2: Living Large (Delft & Rotterdam)
Stedelijk Museum Het Prinsenhof
This Middle Age Monastery turned current museum served a brief stint as the residence of King William of Orange, aka William the Silent, who was murdered here in 1584 probably because nobody could hear him scream. You can still see the bullet holes in the wall and reimagining of the crime scene, (CSI: Delft) then learn about his contributions and those of other famous townsfolk.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.prinsenhof-delft.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
Nieuwe Church
Now that you’ve learned about the contributions and death of William of Orange, you can pay your respects to his tomb at this relatively new church, completed in 1496. The story of the church, however, begins earlier, in 1351, when a beggar named Symon was given food by a townsman named Jan Col, which prompted both of them to have a vision of a golden church at that exact spot - charity is one hell of a drug. Symon died soon after but Jan had the same vision for 30 years until he convinced the town council to build the church; it later turned out these visions were just “will o’ the wisps,” visual phenomena caused by natural gas combustion. At least it didn’t manifest in the form of a UFO, or he would’ve been committed. The church is also home to the 2nd highest church tower in the Netherlands, with views of both Rotterdam and The Hague, and maybe some UFO’s, in the distance.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.oudeennieuwekerkdelft.nl for opening times and more information.
royal delft
Opened in 1653, this earthenware factory is the last of 32 such factories built in the 17th century. It all started when the Dutch East India Company brought blue painted porcelain back from China. In a reversal of today’s situation, the Dutch started to make and sell cheap knockoffs of Chinese products. Over time, the quality improved and the industry expanded; many beer breweries were transformed into earthenware factories, probably leading to many enraged alcoholics and more than a few smashed plates. You can see today how the earthenware is made and buy to carry with or ship home. It goes without saying, if you break it, you buy it.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.royaldelft.com for opening times and more information.
the giant of rotterdam
Modeled after the second tallest man in Dutch history, Rigardus Rijnhout, this statue was erected in 2011 to honor his larger than life legacy. He was born with acromegaly which causes an accelerated growth rate, and developed into a 500 lb. man who wore size 29 shoes (and you know what they say about guys who have size 29 shoes, they probably have some form of acromegaly). Ironically, he was more David than Goliath, not because he went around killing dwarves, but because he was often bullied for his height and spent the last few years of his short life in a wheelchair but his larger than life persona is kept preserved in the statue.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
Grote of Sint-Laurenskerk
Completed in 1525, this church is all that’s left of medieval times and Gothic architecture; the rest fell in the Rotterdam Blitz in 1940. The church itself was heavily damaged, and was almost marked for destruction, before Queen Wilhemina stepped in and marked it for preservation. It stands tall now as a symbol of Rotterdam and has its own cafe, which makes it significantly more interesting.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit en.rotterdam.info for opening times and more information.
cube houses
Consisting of 38 connected cubes, this development was built by architect Piet Blom, with each house representing a tree, and all houses together representing a forest, which is perfect for Dutch kids who were deprived of tree houses growing up and directed all their anger toward making enough money to afford one of these homes; on the downside, there are a bunch of people taking pictures of your house at every waking moment. Fortunately, one of the houses is a hostel, so you don’t got to be rich to live it up.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
witte huis
Completed in 1898, this art-nouveau building was also the first high-rise in Europe, since then dwarfed by modern constructions. It was fortunately built of iron and steel, allowing it to withstand the Rotterdam Blitz of 1940. It serves primarily as an office building, but there’s a cozy cafe on the main floor and views of Rotterdam from the top which is all you really need in this godforsaken life.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit en.rotterdam.info for more information.
Markthal rotterdam
It’s a good thing you don’t live in this building, combining luxury housing and gourmet food, or you would never want to leave. Many of the apartments even peer directly into the market, making any chance of you losing weight while living here virtually impossible. Luckily, you’re just visiting. You can always get lipo when you get home. If you can look up from the food, for just a moment, you’ll see the “Horn of Plenty,” a huge mural that draws comparisons to the Sistine Chapel. Food is one hell of a drug.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.markthal.klepierre.nl for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: ROTTERDAM
DAY 3: Everything in Moderation (Rotterdam & Gouda)
nolet molen
Built in 2005, this wind turbine just outside Rotterdam powers the factory that brews the world famous Ketel One Vodka and Gin. A tour of the distillery will teach you some valuable lessons in how they’re made, what they taste like, and how much is too much.
Tour duration: 2 hours. Visit www.noletdistillery.com for reservations, tour times and more information.
fenix food factory
You’re supposed to eat before you drink but better late than never. At this former warehouse, you can sample some of the finest Rotterdam foods, from baked goods to cheese, to baked goods with cheese, or sit for a more elaborate gastronomic experience.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.fenixfoodfactory.nl for opening times and more information.
arboretum trompenburg
You can take a lovely stroll around the gardens but after a morning of likely excessive drinking and eating, you’re probably better off just finding a nice place to rest among the flora of this botanical garden. You’ll need your strength back for more consumption.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.trompenburg.nl for tickets, opening times and more information.
gouda
The streets of Gouda are lined with cheese and we don’t mean that figuratively. The town’s famous for its namesake cheese but has plenty going for it besides the central cheese market (pictured above). There’s also the stained glass windows of the Church of St. John, the Gothic-looking Gouda Stadhuis, or town hall, or you can explore the network of canals, but that’s about it when it comes to non-cheese related attractions. At Kaasboerderij Jongehoeve, you can see how Gouda cheese is made. At the Goudse Waag Cheese Museum you can learn some cheesy history. But if you’ve come just for one cheesy dinner, mission accomplished.