DAY 1: (Wartburg & Wilhelmshohe)
bonus: experience saalfeld fairy grottoes
“The most colorful cave grottoes in the world,” according to the Guinness Book of World Records, was formed over centuries by mineral water seeping through porous rock, leaving colorful stalagmites (the ones on the floor), and stalactites (the ones on the ceiling). They look like fantastical castles in the distance, mostly due to the theatrical lighting. (Underneath their makeup, they’re just as ugly as any other cave.) Nevertheless, it’s become a popular photo op and wedding venue - appearances are everything.
Tour duration: 60 minutes. Visit en.feengrotten.de for opening times and more information.
WARTBURG castle
Built in 1067 as part of an effort by the Count of Schauenberg, Louis the Springer, to secure the border of his territory, Wartburg, perhaps because of its imposing structure, ended up being more a proponent of art than war, hosting many artists and thinkers over the years. It served as the setting for the legendary Sangerkrieg, or minstrel’s contest (like American Idol except a medieval German equivalent), the events of which were later popularized in Richard Wagner’s opera, Tannhauser. The most famous guest, however, was Martin Luther, who stayed here at the invitation of Frederick the Wise after he was exiled by Pope Leo X for refusal to recant his beliefs before the Diet of Worms, not another fad diet, a 16th century German assembly to address the “problem” of Protestantism. During his stay, Luther went by the name “Junker Jorg” which sounds incredibly punk but simply translates to “the knight George.” He spent his time writing nasty letters to the pope and famously translated the entire New Testament from Greek to German in just ten days, while fending off attacks by the devil by throwing ink at the wall (that will show him!) The castle fell to disrepair, especially after serving as the setting of the First Wartburg Festival in 1817, which saw 500 German fraternity bros come here to celebrate the German victory over Napoleon, in what was most likely the biggest “rager” in German history with Napoleon related book burning and plenty of jungle juice to go around. (Suffice to say, everyone was too drunk to clean up after.) Wartburg fell into further disrepair and was looted of over 800 priceless medieval military artifacts by the Soviet Union after WWII; the items have yet to be recovered. While the castle was mostly rebuilt in the 1950’s, many of the original elements remain, such as the outer wall, drawbridge, and south tower. The Palas was reconstructed to reflect its original style but maintaining original pillars and roof. The top floor has frescoes of the early 13th century Sangerkrieg (not frescoed: the epic, early 19th century fraternity all-out rager). You can see the room where Martin Luther stayed, and if you need to write nasty letters from a safe distance, there’s also a hotel.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.wartburg.de for opening times and more information.
BERGPARK WILHELMSHOHE
The largest park hillside park in Europe and second largest in the world, Bergpark Wilhemshohe was developed over the course of 200 years, starting with the construction of the Hercules statue in 1701 commissioned by then landowner Charles I of Hesse Kassel. The water park (not that kind of water park) is most famous for its waterworks (waterfalls, fountains) with faux ruins set between. Before you extol the beauty of nature, keep in mind that the entire park is manmade, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.museum-kassel.de for more information.
marienburg castle
Built in the 1860’s as a birthday present from King George V to his wife Marie, (which would have been hard to top next birthday), Marienburg had to be abandoned right after completion due to the annexation of Hannover by Prussia in 1866 (at least he had a bigger problem than worrying about what to get the wife for her next birthday). The royal family spent the next 80 years in exile, in Austria, and when the progeny returned, the castle was in its original condition, and served as the primary Hannover residence until the costs of maintaining it became too high and it was handed over to the government for further preservation (bail out the castles!) Take the classic castle tour, ascend the stairs to the top of the main tower, then wish you could have your wedding here.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.schloss-marienburg.de for opening times and more information.
altstadt Hannover
The middle aged timber buildings set among narrow streets in the “old town” of Hannover will give you the classic European vibes, even if it’s all a bit artificial. Most of the timber buildings were destroyed in World War II, so the town decided to move the dozen or so remaining timber buildings to this central location to give the impression of what Hannover used to be like in the good old days. Of note, besides copious amounts of shopping and restaurants, is the Ballhofplatz, a former badminton club, though the only field for badminton you’ll find today is plastered on the facade of the building itself, and the 1313 Kreuzkirche, Hannover’s oldest church.
Visit www.visit-hannover.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: HANNOVER
DAY 2: REMAINS OF THE DAY (Hannover)
NEUES RATHAUS & altes rathaus
Opened by Emperor Wilhelm II in 1913, just before the outset of World War I, the “new city hall” avoided any damages until World War II, but was subsequently rebuilt. The building looks more like a palace than anything but it indeed used by local government. It’s most unique for its 17 degree angled lift to the top of the dome (closest thing we have to a Wonkavator), for impressive views of Hannover. You can also see the impressive “Unanimity” murals by Swiss artist Ferdinand Holler, which portray the transition to Protestantism (a transition which never looked so seamless and blood-free). Afterwards, take a walk to its predecessor, the Altes Rathaus, or “old city hall,” build in 1410. Now this looks more like a government building. Besides the impressive spired facade you can follow the “red thread” (a red line painted on the pavement) around the building to see a famous relief over an archway, just below the window, which depicts a Middle Age version of “tug of war” (Luderziehen) quite painfully using pinkies instead of ropes.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visit-hannover.com and www.visit-hannover.com for more information.
die AEGIDIENKIRCHE
Built in the 14th century on the site of an earlier chapel that was built in the 12th century, and dedicated to St. Giles, this church was the site of the Protestant Reformation in Hannover. It was bombed during World War II and preserved as a war memorial (also it’s probably not worth rebuilding - you know it will just get blown up again in World War III). Among epitaphs on the outer walls is one of seven men praying; they are said to have sacrificed themselves to save the town (if only they had prayed harder). The bell here was gifted by Hannover’s sister city, Hiroshima Japan (step up your game other sister cities). Delegates from both cities meet and ring the bell at 8:15 AM each August 6, to honor the exact time the bomb destroyed Hiroshima (and plot revenge against America).
Suggested duration: 15-20 minutes. Visit www.visit-hannover.com for more information.
marktkirche hannover
Built in the 14th century in the unique brick-Gothic style, this Lutheran hall church was partially destroyed in World War II but then quickly restored by 1952. The original altar was stored in a museum in the 1850’s and thus avoided being destroyed in the bombs, before being restored as it is now; the 17th century organ wasn’t so lucky. The church also boasts 11 bells, one of which, the Bell of Christ and Peace, is the largest bell in the entire region and is only used rarely, on special occasions, other than your visiting here.
Suggested duration: 15-20 minutes. Visit www.visit-hannover.com for more information.
herrenhausen gardens
Commissioned by the royal family of Hannover, Herrenhausen Gardens is actually a collection of four separate gardens, chief of which is the Great Garden, one of the most noteworthy formal Baroque gardens in all of Europe (giving Sanscoucci Garden a run for its money). It was commissioned in 1683 by Sophia of Hannover with a small palace at center. Her husband Ernest wanted the palace to be bigger but their son George (eventual King George I) blew the budget on waterworks resulting in the Great Fountain at center of the park. The Great Garden also features one of the final works by famous artist Niki de Saint Phalle, a mosaic grotto of glass, mirrors and colorful yet mildly horrific sculptures. (You can see more more of her mildly horrific sculptures in North Italy). The second most frequented garden is the Berggarten, which initially started as a vegetable garden, but was later repurposed as a garden for plants non-native to the area such as tobacco (tobacco is whacko, do drugs instead). Berggarten also serves as the final resting place for Sophia, her husband Ernest and their son King George I (so they could bicker over the mismanaged garden funds for all eternity). The Georgengarten is basically just a row of trees that makes for good selfie fodder, and the Welfengarten is split between the University of Hannover and a private mansion of current Prince Ernst August; it’s off limits and he’s not single.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.visit-hannover.com for more information.
bonus: HAPPY RIZZI HOUSE
In the town of Brunswick, just outside of Hannover, is the nine-structure complex known as Happy Rizzi House, dreamt up by US pop artist James Rizzi. It was voted one of the most beautiful building in Germany, though the residents of Brunswick, at least at first, were not pleased, but the building must’ve added much-need color to their dull lives, and they eventually came around to it.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
bergen-belsen memorial
Built as a prisoner of war camp in 1935, Bergen-Belsen transitioned into a concentration camp in 1943 (because if you’re going to imprison innocent people, might as well go the distance). Initially considered one of the less harsh concentration camps (which is like saying the best kind of cancer) it was primarily meant to keep prisoners who had exchange value, in addition to serving as a recovery camp for sick workers from other concentration camps (basically the equivalent of a 5-star concentration camp). Even so, poor resources and a lack of food, in addition to increased hostility as the war came to a close, resulting in the deaths of over 50,000 inmates (and this just at the “less harsh” 5 star concentration camp). British soldiers who liberated the camp in 1945 made the grisly discovery of 13,000 bodies not even buried, but just casually strewn around the camp, including the bodies of Anne and Margaret Frank, the most famous of the victims of Bergen-Belsen (though not really a competition that you’d want to win). Josef Capek, the man who invented the word robot, was also among the victims, most of whom could not even be identified. The camp was burned to the ground to stop the spread of typhus (even after liberation over 14,000 people died from illness and starvation). Not that it’s any consolation but some revenge was had in the form of revenge killings (170 SS guards), and legal executions (11 in total), but because the British aren’t savage Nazis, many others involved were handed reduced sentenced or acquitted altogether under fair trial, primarily due to forced participation (“they made me do it,” it being the Holocaust). After the camp was destroyed, and the grounds regrown, there was not much was left to commemorate the atrocity, but over the subsequent decades, survivors would return to build monuments, supplemented by a British-funded obelisk and memorial walls, including the one pictured above which translates to “here lie 1000 dead,” one of several mass graves memorials. After decades of neglect the German government stepped up in 2000, updating the memorial and museum, including the House of Silence, and grave for Anne and Margaret Frank.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.bergen-belsen.stiftung-ng.de for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BREMEN
DAY 3: What Happens in Bremen...
denkort bunker valentin
North of Bremen, on the Weser River, you’ll find the massive bomb-proof structure built for the construction of German U Boats during World War II. The Nazis must have been planning to be at war forever, because they didn’t start building this bunker until 1943 and it was never finished by the close of the war in 1945. It was built to be bomb resistant after the destruction of other Nazi shipyards at the hands of US and British forces and did end up withstanding several bombing attempts but the Nazi’s weren’t as tough as their creation, and surrendered the area before the building could be put to use. Nevertheless, the damage had already been done, as construction of the building required the work of 12,000 slaves working in 12 hour shift in poor conditions (needless to say there were no benefits) resulting in the deaths of approximately 6,000. Adding insult to injury, many of these workers were housed at a nearby concentration camp, Neuengamme, and were evacuated onto a German boat before the British took control of the area, and the ship was unknowingly bombed by the British Royal Air Force, resulting in the death of another 5,000 workers. Do a self-tour of the still-standing bunker and remember the plight of these workers next time you complain about your desk job.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for opening times and more information.
BONUS: universum bremen
With 250 exhibits on earth, mankind and the cosmos, this interactive science museum has enough material to fill whatever space in your head that’s not already occupied by useless information. On the other hand, it isn’t much different than your local science museum, but the exterior alone is worth a visit. Intended to look like a whale or a mussel, it looks more like a recklessly-flown UFO.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes. Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for opening times and more information.
muhle am wall
Built in 1898, this windmill, accented in the spring with a bed of flowers, is a designated monument and the focal point of the park just outside Bremen’s center. If that’s not appealing enough, there’s a cafe inside the mill. (Step up your game, other monuments).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for opening times and more information.
brauerei beck
It’s not the most highly-rated or independently-owned of breweries, but beer is beer, you’re fun but questionably intelligent travel buddy might argue. Beck’s does have independent side, however, allowing local artists to design their labels over the years. Don’t get any ideas, you should tell your buddy, before he does a doodle on a napkin of a stick figure vomiting for Beck’s consideration.
Tour duration: 2 hours. Visit www.becks.de for more information.
bottcherstrasse
Once inhabited by “bottchers,” or coopers, during the Middle Ages, most of this abandoned street was bought by the coffeemaker Ludwig Roselius in the early 1900’s, to be used as a plant for his coffee company. In the 1920’s, he redesigned it in the expressionist style, inspired by the Volkisch-Nordic belief in the irreplaceability of the Nordic race (essentially a rough draft of white power). The gold relief at the entrance of the narrow-street is titled “Lichtbringer,” or “the bringer of light,” and intended as a tribute to his white ness Adolf Hitler, though in a comic turn of events, even Hitler deemed the art was too over the top by strict Nazi standards, and it was labelled as “degenerate art.” When Roselius later tried to apply to the Nazi party, he was twice rejected (the irony is delicious). Today, Bottcher Street is a Bremen must-do, with its noteworthy reliefs and unique architecture, especially evident in the Robinson Crusoe and Atlantic Houses. Most notable is the Glockenspiel House, where 30 porcelain bells ring 2-3 times per day depending on the season, synchronized with rotating wooden figures that depict famous sailors and aviators, like Christopher Columbus, Charles Lindbergh and Count Zeppelin (not a Led Zeppelin cover band), ample magic to almost forget the place’s white supremacy origin.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for bell times and more information.
bremer marktplatz & Bremen town hall
No longer a real marketplace, except on Christmas, Bremer Marktplatz nevertheless sees the most foot-traffic in Bremen, which makes sense given the central location and the variety of sights at arm’s reach, starting with the Roland Statue. It’s named after Roland, an 8th century warrior under Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne. He stands with his sword unsheathed and shield, with the symbol of a two-headed eagle so you know not to try anything stupid in Bremen. There are Roland statues in other German cities, but you’re here now so might as well pretend it’s unique; it’s also the oldest of its kind, having been erected in 1404. Legend has it that as long as Roland stands guard, Bremen will remain free and independent (where were you during Nazism, asshole?). To the right of Roland is Bremen Town Hall, built in the early 15th century, on the site of a previous town hall, from as far back as 1229. There’s a lot going on in here, so take the tour (there better be a damn good explanation for the model ships hanging from the ceiling) After the tour, grab a seat at Bremer Ratskeller, a restaurant in the basement that still has a barrel of wine from 1653, making it the oldest in all of Germany (it’s not on the menu unfortunately). Back outside and to the left of the town hall is a Town Musicians statue, which confusingly doesn’t even depict musicians but rather, four domestic farm animals, based on the Brothers Grimm fairy tale about four animals that are no longer useful on the farm and are subjected to abuse by their masters (so much for that retirement plan). They decide to escape to Bremen to become musicians and on their way, they encounter a house filled with four robbers, violently commander it and live out their lives peacefully (a happy ending but what if they weren’t robbers and the animals just killed an innocent family?) It is said that if you rub the donkey’s legs, you will have good luck. On a related note, if you rub Roland’s knees, you will return to Bremen one day, so if you don’t like Bremen, better off keeping your distance. Basically, Bremen is all about rubbing statues for various favors, which sounds kind of sexual, but what happens in Bremen stays in Bremen.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for opening times and more information.
SCHNOORviertel
The richly-decorated and currently unaffordable Schnoor neighborhood was originally, and ironically, the poor part of Bremen, built in the 10th century as a living quarter for fishermen (needless to say, there were no cute coffee shops for the fishermen to brunch at back then). Most of the remaining homes were built between the 1500s and 1800s and went largely untouched as the city around it evolved or was destroyed and because wealthy people love vintage (as they continue building characterless high rise buildings) this neighborhood was the perfect target for gentrification. But you’re not here to protest inequality - you’re here for vacation! If anything, you’re supporting a historic district (you tell yourself) by frequenting all the cozy hole in the wall cafes.
Visit www.bremen-tourism.de for more information.