DAY 1: PRESERVED, DESTROYED OR REPURPOSED (Kreuzberg & Tempelhof)
gemaldegalerie
Unlike most museums, Gemaldgalerie was not founded upon a pre-existing royal collection of art. In another word, it wasn’t a spoiled brat who had everything handed to it in life, and basked unknowingly in its own White-Anglo privilege; it busted its ass acquiring art from scratch in 1815 before opening to the public in 1830. With less material to work with than other museums it’s emphasis is on using art to tell a story, each room telling a unique tale of art and history, that you’re probably not well-versed enough to decipher - at least you know there’s an underlying method to the madness. The rooms are ordered chronologically, making it feel like you’re taking a tour of world history through art, culminating in Renaissance, the climax of human existence (been pretty much downhill from there). Highlights include the octagonal Rembrandt room, and the Raphael room, containing several Madonna depictions. The best part is that it’s not on Museum Island, so you may actually appreciate it in relative quiet.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.smb.museum for tickets, opening times and more information.
Topography of terror
The tagline “a place where terror is tangible” makes this attraction sound like a hokey Halloween attraction, but perhaps because we’re mostly privileged enough to not have to deal with terror of this magnitude in our lifetime. It was here in this place, where the real life horror of the Nazi regime was concocted and unleashed, being the headquarters of the SS Gestapo, the Nazi agency that was responsible for carrying out acts of terror and persecution; yes, they had an agency for that, which shows how seriously they took their terror and persecution. Inside, you’ll find detailed accounts of the crimes that were carried out which suffice to say were not petty. The exhibit also serves as a warning about the dangers of nationalism (take note nations, you’re much cooler when you are self-deprecating.) The site serves up a double-scoop of history ice-cream, also holding the second longest remaining segment of the Berlin Wall, but it’s left in a raw state, making the longest section, the East-Side Gallery, seem like a hokey tourist attraction.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.topographie.de for opening times and more information.
anhalter bahnhof
Speaking of terror and persecution, this wall is all that remains of a popular German train station built in the 1800’s, that went on to serve as a deportation site, sending over 50,000 Jews from Berlin to concentration camps in Czechoslovakia (suffice to say, it was a one-way ticket). The train-station, and later, the Nazi regime as whole, got major comeuppance, being heavily bombed by American and British troops in 1943 (‘Murica!), then in 1945, facing an increasingly desperate situation, the Nazis ordered the total destruction of the station and its underwater lines to cut off an easy entry point for the advancing Soviets which ended up doing more harm than good as many wounded and displaced Germans were sheltered along the underground line. They could’ve sent a warning first, but Nazis weren’t the most temperate of people. If you walk across the park toward Tempodrom you are walking where the interior once stood. Behind Tempodrom, you can still see the concrete passenger platforms and the tracks themselves. The "Day and Night” sculptures that adorned the station are at the German Museum of Technology right across Landwehr Canal.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
Tempelhofer Feld
Its name derived from the Knights Templar who originally owned the property, this park was used as a parade field and a military practice ground (hopefully not at the same time), from the early 1700’s to the early 1900’s, by the Prussian and German regimes. It became an airport in 1923 and eventually the main Nazi airport, essentially functioning the same but with a more general sense of hatred involved (as if the TSA wasn’t strict enough!). It closed in 2008 and has been repurposed as a public park where you can go for a run across the cracked tarmac or picnic or play sports in the endless fields of overgrown grass. If the lack of sleep in Berlin is filling you up with hatred for yourself and others, an hour or three out on the fields is just what you need to soothe your inner Nazi.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for opening times and more information.
liquidrom
If you need some R&R in Berlin (if you don’t, you haven’t experienced Berlin), but “can’t stop, won’t stop” (partying that is) you can kill two birds with one stone at this communal saltwater pool, where you will float effortlessly, while live DJ’s pump music into your head via underwater speakers. It’s like going clubbing and taking the time off to recover from clubbing all at the same time, which begs the question “did you ever really go clubbing to begin with?” (The answer is yes, yes you did.) The website also mentions that it has four nude saunas. Whatever happened to “clothing optional?” Mandatory nudity isn’t nearly as fun as the spontaneous kind.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.liquidrom-berlin.de for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BERLIN
DAY 2: Stand Tall, Lay Low (Alt-Treptow & Neukolln)
SpreePark
Opened in 1969, this Soviet-era theme park was as exciting as you’d expect a Soviet-era theme park to be - just small rations of excitement were evenly distributed between the various attractions. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the park was transformed into a more westernized version, which probably just means the concession stands had more calories and less vodka. Sadly, the park went bust in 2002, and the park manager somehow managed to smuggle six rides out of the country to start his own park way out in Peru. He was later arrested for using those rides to smuggle cocaine - and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those damn kids. They used to do tours of the abandoned park until it fell back into city ownership and was deemed too hazardous to enter. If you fancy yourself an internet sleuth you can look up ways to sneak in and see all the rides overcome by the elements, at the risk of being attacked by guard dogs or arrested. If you’re more a guard-cat person, or just not trying to get arrested today, you can still see the rusted ferris wheel through the perimeter fence, creaking quite eerily on the windy days.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
Treptower park
Too far out of the average tourist’s comfort zone, this park is fit for local consumption, so it’s worth a visit. Besides ample green space and walking trails, the highlight of this park is the colossal Soviet War Memorial, commemorating the 80,000 Soviets that perished at the Battle of Berlin in 1945 - remember when the Soviets were good guys? You either die a hero, or live long enough until you become the villain. This statue depicts a cloaked Soviet soldier saving a child and stepping on a swastika. Peak Russia.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
Molecule men
One of two similar sculptures designed by American artist Jonathan Borofsky in LA in 1977 (the other having the unfortunate luck of landing in Iowa), Molecule Men is composed of three gigantic aluminum statues leaning on one another though it also appears as if they’re fighting. The holes are intended to represent the molecules that bring us together but look more like bullet holes from a drive-by shooting lending further credence to my theory that they hate each other and that humans in general hate each other.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
badeschiff (extended Summer only)
Built from a repurposed ship hull, this public swimming pool, literally meaning “bathing ship,” floats in the Spree so you can feel like you’re swimming in the river, without immediately dissolving in its toxicity. It also has a bar and DJ so you’re set for the day.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.arena.berlin for opening times and more information.
neukolln
David Bowie named a song after this neighborhood so it must be worth visiting. Then again David Bowie was a pretty weird guy so maybe it’s not worth visiting. It all boils down to your views on David Bowie. If you’re here in daylight, take a long walk around Richardplatz, which feels more like the countryside, in a good way. If you’re here at night, that’s when the Bowies (cool, but weird looking people) come out. There’s sufficient Turkish street food and wine bars to turn you into a Bowie by the end of the evening.
Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BERLIN
DAY 3: Rubble and Ash (Teufelsberg & Sachsenhausen)
kaiser wilhelm memorial church
Built in the 1890’s to honor Germany’s first kaiser, Wilhelm I, this Protestant church took a heavy beating during World War II, but came back stronger than ever in the early 1960’s, using the destroyed spire from the previous church as the cherry on top. It was nicknamed “the hollow tooth” because of the hollow interior, but also as a reminder that you’re overdue for a visit to your dentist.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for opening times and more information.
platform 17 memorial
One of the three Jewish deportation sites during World War II, another explored at Anhalter Bahnhof (Day 1), Platform 17, formerly Grunewald Station, was a departure point for 50,000 Jews, the majority of whom died. The platform is lined with plaques, detailing each departure - the date, number of passengers and destination. What stared out as a small operation, about one hundred Jews per train, turned into a mass deportation of one thousand Jews every day, in the last few years of the war. If the brush around the platform looks overgrown, it was left intentionally so, in effect burying the past though preserving it as a memorial to the lives lost.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Teufelsberg
During World War II, the Nazis began building a military academy in this tranquil forest, because nothing goes together like Nazis and tranquility. After World War II, the rubble from Berlin was dumped in this forest (so much for saving the forests) thus creating the man-made hill of Teufelsberg. During the Cold War, Field Station Berlin was built on top of the hill to be used by US and British forces as a covert, Soviet-listening post, as opposed to just reading their diaries. After the Cold War, the post was abandoned and taken over by an artists’ collective, who use the grounds as a canvas for large-scale murals, and probably live there also (the only difference between artists and homeless people is talent). Explore the ground at your own risk, and check out Berlin from the roof.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
charlottenburg
The former summer home of Queen Charlotte really pushes the boundaries on how much space one needs to properly “summer.” Completed in 1699, the palace played host to Charlotte’s “court of the muses,” a gathering of artists and intellects of the snootiest variety. It basically functioned as a large-scale “woman cave;” even her husband, King Friedrich I, could not visit without invitation. While the Old Wing was done in the Baroque style, the New Wing was added by her grandkid Friedrich II in the Rococo style; such a rebel. The major highlights can be found in the more recently-restored New Wing, including the Historic Apartments and Palace Chapel. Highlights of the formal garden include the Belvedere Teahouse, New Pavilion and the Mausoleum, where the much-loved Queen Louise was buried. Her husband quietly remarried a commoner also buried in the mausoleum but with a nondescript tomb.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.spsg.de for opening times and more information.
SACHSENHAUSEN
From 1936 until 1945, the end of World War II, Sachsenhausen served as a Nazi concentration camp and then from 1945 until 1950, as a camp for Soviet dissidents. Sachsenhausen was not technically an extermination camp though it partially functioned as such after 1943, when a gas chamber and crematorium were built onsite. In total, over 30,000 inmates, mostly Russian prisoners of war, died of starvation, disease, exhaustion, pneumonia, as well as horrific forced medical and technological experiments. This camp is also the site of Operation Bernhard, in which prisoners were forced to create counterfeit Allied currencies in attempt to undermine their economies. When the war ended, 33,000 inmates were forced on a death march; only 18,000 survived before being liberated.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.stiftung-bg.de for opening times and more information.