DAY 1: Surface Tension (Spreewald)
Spreewald
Consisting of over 200 intersected canals, this biosphere reserve is known as the “Green Venice,” but after visiting this tranquil, natural oasis, you might start referring to Venice as the “Dirty Spreewald.” The canals are commonly explored on a punt, a flat bottomed boat similar to a gondola that’s captained by ferryman (or half-man, half-ferry). A variety of tour types are offered, appealing to a variety of interests - nature, photography and food to name a few (food FTW). You may also rent a canoe or a Stand-Up Paddle-board if you’re trying to squeeze in a workout. If you’re worried about getting “canal sick” there are plenty of hiking and biking trails in the area. Spreewald is made of five towns, from any of which you can book your punt tour, but you’ll find the most tour options and language varieties in Lubbenau or Lubben. And if you have time, explore a town or two on foot.
Suggested duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.luebbenau-spreewald.com for more information.
Slawenburg Raddusch
This is a modern reproduction of a 10th century Slavic defense fort, the original of which couldn’t have been too effective, but was cool enough to look at to warrant its reconstruction. Inside the reconstruction is a museum detailing the history of the site and the Slavic influence on the region; you’re near Poland, which may explain the smell of pierogies in the air or maybe you’re just hungry. There’s a recreation area to get acquainted with local flora and fauna, and a bakery, to get acquainted with various baked goods.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.brandenburg-tourism.com for opening times and more information.
rakotzbrucke
Built in 1860, this bridge was constructed to form a perfect concentric circle with its reflection in the water, giving the illusion of magic, hence the name, translating to “devil’s bridge” (because magic is the devil). Legend says the bridge was commissioned under a local knight, who, failing to meet his self-imposed deadline, rejected his own request for an extension - then taking the decidedly drastic measure of asking the devil for help. Unfortunately, the only payment method the devil accepts is the soul of one slaughtered being (they didn’t have credit cards back then). The knight, despite being stupid enough to work with the devil, was smart enough to trick the devil, by sending a chicken across the newly-completed bridge (poor chicken). The devil was not very pleased, but slaughtered the chicken anyway, before leaving in a fit of rage and going home to make some chicken wings.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT NEAR: GABLENZ/BAD MUSKAU
DAY 2: PARALLEL UNIVERSE (GORLITZ)
bonus: kulturinsel - Die Geheime Welt von Turisede
The description of “adventure theme park” doesn’t quite do justice to this surrealist wonderland, originally started in the early 90s as a playground and art gallery, and expanded in both space and absurdity over the years. You’ll be instantly drawn in toward its disorienting design, before becoming actually disoriented and realizing you can’t find the exit; there is no exit. You’re stuck forever.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.turisede.com for opening times and more information.
gorlitz
The easternmost town in Germany was far enough removed from central Germany to avoid any significant damage during World War II. Coupled with extensive restoration efforts, Gorlitz has become a haven for film shoots, and multiple celeb sightings (and by celeb sightings, we mean close encounters of the Nicholas Cage-kind). Any tour of ‘Gorliwood’ should start at Warenhaus Karstadt Hertie, which was featured as the hotel in Grand Budapest Hotel. Adjacent to this hotel, or rather department store, is a clocktower featured in Inglorious Basterds. A walk through the Lower Market Square gives you the impression that there’s not much going on; the town hasn’t been the same since the early 2000’s economic downtown, but at least you have the place mostly to yourself. The St. Peter and Paul’s Church houses the famous, surreal-sounding Sun Organ - you’ll have to be there by noon to hear the pleasure.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.visit-goerlitz.com for more information.
POLAND
As the easternmost town of Germany, Gorlitz is also the town closest to Poland. In fact, the two countries are separated in Gorlitz by only a shallow river and its Old Town Bridge. Of course since both countries are members of the E.U. you can walk across free without passport, let alone having to worry about being shot dead, or worse, searched for drugs. On the other side, you can treat yourself to a hearty meal of pierogies and borscht that’s so cheap you’ll feel bad paying so little but compensate by eating more.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: DRESDEN
DAY 3: Castles in the Sky (Saxon Switzerland National Park)
Bastei
Six hundred feet high and overlooking the River Elbe and adjacent town of Rathen is this naturally occurring rock formation, the result of water erosion over a million years ago. Mentioned in travel guides as early as 1798 (the Brooklyn of the Roman Empire) the formation continues to be a popular tourist attraction, from which you are high up enough to see Switzerland in the distance. Then explore the ruins of Neurathen Castle built along the top of the rock in the 1100’s. More like Alt-rathen Castle now am I right?
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.saechsische-schweiz.de for more information.
rathen
At the foot of Bastei lies this picture-perfect holiday resort, where Germans go to unwind from their unnecessarily rigid lifestyle. Besides the serene villas and soothing river walkway, there are restaurants and cafes and the largest outdoor model railway in the world, making Rathen the perfect Christmas town, any time of year. The only downside is also its upside. While there are no tourists to be found, if you don’t look like Hitler’s idea of the perfect being (blonde and blue) you will stick out like a sore thumb.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.saechsische-schweiz.de for more information.
konigstein fortress
At almost 800 feet high, this hilltop fortress is one of the largest of its kind in Europe. It served fittingly as a place of retreat during times of invasion, when approaching enemies were probably quick to realize it wasn’t worth the climb. It later served fittingly as a prison, when potential escapees were probably quick to realize it wasn’t worth the jump. Luckily, there’s a lift now so you’ll have to do neither to enter or leave, unless you really want to make the steep 1.5 mile ascent; jumping off the top is still not advised. When you’re at the top, you can visit some of the structures which are up to 400 years old. Don’t forget to check out the well, the second deepest of its kind in Europe, which supplies water to the top of the rock. Don’t drink too much - you’ll have to pay to use the toilet.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.festung-koenigstein.de for opening times and more information.