DAY 1: Crossroads (mitte & kreuzberg)
Checkpoint charlie
At the start of the Cold War, a barrier was built by order of US President John Kennedy to separate the democratic west from the communist east, with this station serving as one of only three crossing points between the two sides, another present in Wannsee (Northern Germany - Part 3). The only people crossing over were journalists trying to document how shitty Soviet life was and the East Germans trying to escape their shitty Soviet lives. While some escapes were successful, others went horribly awry (and not in a slapstick comedy type of way). After thirty years of increasing sexual tension the two sides finally let their guards down, literally opening up the floodgates, allowing strangers from both sides embrace one another, a Kodak moment on a wide scale. That was the last authentic thing to happen here; everything here now is a replica from the booth to the actors turned soldiers. There's a bit of a Times Square/Disney-vibe going on, taking photos with the "soldiers" but at least we can cross without getting gunned down.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
gendarmenmarkt
Beginning in the late 1600's, this square functioned as a market place, and is said to be "the most beautiful square in Europe," though beauty is subjective. It houses two cathedrals and a concert hall, none of which are as impressive as the square itself. Overall, it's relatively uneventful nowadays, though come holiday market time, you can almost taste a bit of it's former glory.
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
bonus: ritter sport museum
If only all museums were this edible, there would be no more museums (nom nom nom). It's actually not a museum at all. To qualify as a museum, there must be some information that allows you to learn about something and there isn't any here. Or maybe there was and you were just too distracted at the "gift shop" where you could buy any existing flavor, some of which probably aren't available in your country, or create your own custom-flavored chocolate bars (milk chocolate and meatball anyone?) Okay so maybe the sky isn't the limit. but there are sufficient options to build your dream chocolate bar (unless of course that involves meatballs, in which case, please leave). Pack some in your bag, pack some in your belly, happy touring!
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.ritter-sport.de for opening times and more information.
bebelplatz
Another "most beautiful square in Europe," this square is known more for its ugly history than anything else. On May 10, 1933, the Nazis burned 20,000 books that they deemed to be inconsistent with the nationalist German spirit, basically anything good. Kids must have been happy that their summer reading lists grew considerably shorter but unfortunately this was just a precursor for even greater horrors. A plaque in the middle of the square says "where they burn books, they will ultimately burn people as well," even more powerful given that it was written in 1820, by poet Heinrich Heine, over one century before the Nazis implemented the Final Solution to rid Germany not of books but of people they considered to be inconsistent with the nationalist German spirit. So whenever you hear a politician talk about the superiority of their country or try to limit the flow of ideas, signal the warning bells. Near the plaque is a display of a sunken library to commemorate the books lost and to serve as a warning to future generations.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
Memorial to the murdered jews of Europe
Designed by Peter Eisenman in 1999, this memorial is made up of 2711 concrete slabs erected at different heights to create a wave like pattern. Some criticize the design as not fitting the crime but what design would do justice to the six million murdered? At least its sheer size and shape draws attention to itself, and further, to the genocide behind it. Unfortunately, it being a Jewish memorial, it invites further disrespect (Jews can't catch a break) by either uneducated people or actual anti-Semites, using the memorial for hide and seek, selfie fodder, a skate park or a place to hang out, each lunch and leave your garbage strewn about, none of which are acceptable uses. (Don't worry, you'll have many opportunities to take smiling selfies in places not commemorating genocide.) There's an accompanying exhibit below the memorial detailing the horros of the Holocaust for which you'll definitely need tissues.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Hitler's Bunker
If you watched Inglorious Basterds and relished the dramatic and violent, albeit fictional, end of Hitler's reign of terror, don't pass up this opportunity for revenge. While you won't be able to visit the inside of the bunker, as it's filled with concrete, you can stand in the area directly above it, which now serves rather fittingly, as a parking lot. ("They paved Hitler's Bunker and put up a parking lot... hey, hey, hey...") For extra glory, you can stomp on the pavement while shouting obscenities or just pee on it, whatever helps; you'll be literally pissing on his grave, as he took his life here. Berlin Story Bunker has a replica of the inside but you can't pee in it.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
Reichstag building
This building served as the seat of the Reichstag, or the German empire, from 1894 until 1933, when it was damaged in a fire that most historians believe to be a "false flag operation" that allowed Hitler to cut people's civil liberties; not sure what one thing has to do with the other but okay. It was sort of like "the little boy who cried wolf," because the whole building was burnt to ruin after the war and nobody really did anything to repair it until the 1960's. If was finally refurbished in 1999, with a state-of-the-art globe as the cherry on top, and now serves as the seat of the Bundestag, or German parliament. Definitely take the globe-tour for 360 views of Berlin. You can tour the rest of the building but learning about politics on the first day of vacation seems morally wrong.
Tour duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.bundestag.de for tickets, opening times and more information.
Brandenburg gate
Commissioned by King Frederick William II of Prussia in the late 18th century, this gate is the last of 18 original gates surrounding Berlin. (With no other gates to procreate with, gates like these will surely become extinct when this one falls down.) It served as a symbol of the Nazi party as well as a symbol of a divided Germany, basically the symbol of whatever was going on at any given time in German history. It's most famous cultural moment however, was the speech given here by Ronald Reagan who famously said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall." If only diplomacy were that easy. "Mr. Kim Jong Un, remove that stick out of your ass!"
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.brandenburg-gate.de for more information.
kreuzberg
If each neighborhood of Berlin could be represented by a genre of music, Kreuzberg could easily definitely be defined as punk. Every block screams "anti-establishment," figuratively speaking, though sometimes literally, if there's a punk bar on that street. Times change of course and now you'll find some out of place albeit high-quality craft cocktail bars around the neighborhood; perhaps it's better defined as "post-punk." Whatever your tastes, people from all walks of life will convene for some of the best late-night eats in town, doner kebabs and currywurst. Being wasted and desperately craving munchies brings people together.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BERLIN
DAY 2: Arts and Leisure (Mitte & Friedrichshain)
boros foundation
This building has gone through many "phases" to say the least, from a Nazi air-raid shelter to a Soviet prisoner-of-war camp to a hardcore 1980's techno night club. Though it now holds the private art collection of Christian Boros, it's still kind of like a night club in that it's hard to get it; you'll have to book several months in advance, but at least you don't have to drop $700 on a bottle of 50 dollar vodka or worry about getting rejected at the door. This gallery is probably just another phase but try to be supportive of it.
Tour duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.sammlung-boros.de for tickets, opening times and more information.
Museum island
If you were stranded on a island, and you could only have one kind of museum with you, what kind of museum would you bring? Luckily for you, you don't have to choose since this island holds most of the notable museums of Berlin, chief among them being the Pergamon Museum, showcasing life-sized replicas of various architectural wonders from around the world, most notably, the Pergamom Altar, the Ishtar Gate, Roman Market Gate, and various Egyptian relics. It's a good place to start since you don't have to read much about them, all you have to do is stare and be filled with wonder. The New Museum is renowned for the the Bust of Nefertiti, (no, not that kind of bust, perverts) which rivals the Mona Lisa is terms of classically hot women depicted in art. If you're into that kind of stuff, check out the bust of Cleopatra in the Old Museum (or Caesar if you swing that way;). The rest of your visit is best dictated by your specific taste in art. You can see medieval sculptures at the Bode Museum, classic art at the Old National Gallery, or the religious art and architecture of the Berlin Cathedral - not technically a museum, but a primary landmark of Berlin.
Suggested duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for opening times and more information.
berlin boat tour
Cruise through the heart of Berlin without moving a muscle or engaging with the locals, the tourist dream. There are boats that will take you as far as Potsdam although that's a bit of a stretch, or you can always commandeer the vessel and sail the seven seas. A headset narrates your journey through the well-known, though once the cocktails come out the headsets come off and the party ensues, especially at sunset. A few drinks, rocking boat and boring narrator make a good recipe for a nap, or a vomit..
Tour durations: 1-4 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for tickets, opening times and more information.
friedrichshain
This former industrial area sustained heavy damage during World War II and it looks like they never got around to repairing it. Then in the Cold War, it fell along the east side of the Berlin Wall, and it definitely looks like a Soviet-funded neighborhood. But enough jokes about the way it looks, it's the personality that counts, and it's got plenty of it, being home to basically all the hot clubs in Berlin, which is convenient because chances are you won't get into your first pick unless you walk, talk, and dress in an extremely specific way, a small price to pay to see some of the crazy things that happen inside them. The best way to prepare yourself for what your about to see is to watch gay porn in a strobe-lit room. "I was just doing research I swear." Sure you were.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BERLIN
DAY 3: Different Perspectives (Friedrichshain)
East Side Gallery
After the fall of the Berlin Wall, the longest still-standing section of the wall became the perfect canvas for 118 artists from across the world to "leave their marks". It has since been given landmark status to preserve it as a monument to the peaceful resolution of global conflicts, though most world leaders probably didn't get the memo. The murals are symbolically painted along the east side of the wall; during the Cold War, it was the west side that was painted, while the east side remained without character, much like the average Soviet citizen. You may already recognize many of these works, such as the Fraternal Kiss, in which a Soviet and East German secretary general share a passionate embrace, an actual tradition to show loyalty between two communist parties (just come out of the closet already), as well as the car driving through the wall and the album artwork for Pink Floyd's The Wall.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
Berliner Fernsehturm
At the time this TV tower opened in 1969, in East Germany, it was the tallest structure in Europe, and a demonstration of Soviet superiority (my building is bigger than your building). It remains the tallest building in Germany still today, but it's now become symbolic of German unity, and what better way to demonstrate unity than grabbing a round of drinks with friends or enemies almost 400 meters in the air at the Panorama Bar with birds-eye views of a now-united Berlin and its surrounding countryside.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit tv-turm.de for tickets, opening times and more information.
hackesche hofe
Completed in 1906, this complex of Art Nouveau buildings is comprised of apartments and offices, as well as restaurants and shops, making it a popular hub for locals and tourists. Walk through, sit at a cafe, or completely uproot your life and move in.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.visitberlin.de for more information.
anne frank zentrum
Hidden away from plain sight, kind of like old Anne herself, is this museum devoted to her life and diary. The exhibit serves as a lesson for kids who think adversity is not getting the pony they wanted for their birthday, as well as an inspiration to kids today facing actual adversity. There are also several vibrant murals, including the one of Anne, in the alley leading up to the entrance.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.annefrank.de for opening times and more information.
strandbar
The word "beach" is defined as "a pebbly or sandy shore especially by the ocean." The word "especially" means it doesn't have to be on the ocean to be considered a beach. Sure, this beach is a bit of a stretch, but just go with it. Once you have a few drinks and make a few friends, then get more drinks, you won't know the difference. What are you waiting for? Your tropical paradise awaits!
Visit www.visitberlin.de for opening times and more information.