DAY 1: (Old City - East)
western wall & Western wall tunnels
An ancient limestone retaining wall is all that remains of the second Jewish Temple, built around 516 BCE and destroyed in 70 CE by the Romans, on the site of the first Jewish Temple, built by Solomon in the 10th century BCE and destroyed by the Babylonian Empire in 586 BCE (the Jews never fared very well under foreign control, in antiquity and modernity, perhaps they should be self-governed). The wall is actually not part of what was once the temple itself but rather a perimeter wall of the elevated area called the Temple Mount, commissioned by Herod the Great, the Roman king of Judea (modern-day central Israel and Palestine) about 19 BCE, but the Jews still pray to the wall (praised be wall) in memory of what once was. Also known at the Wailing Wall the Jews come here not only to pray but to reflect on their tragic history, some going as far as wailing or crying in public (there’s no crying in religion) though you don’t hear much crying nowadays (yes your history is tragic but it’s about time to get over it and move on with your life). The name Wailing Wall is actually not used by Jews and is considered derogatory (wailing sounds like a word that you would use to describe someone crying if you were annoyed by it, which is exactly why the Christians called it such during the occupation of Jerusalem under British Rule in the early 20th century.) The wall’s also referred to as the Buraq wall by Muslims as it’s considered to be the place where Mohammed tethered his unicorn (true story) before ascending to heaven (and you thought unicorns were mythic creatures). It’s worth noting that the local Muslim population only began referring to the wall as Buraq Wall after the rise of Zionism and renewed interest in the Temple Mount as a Jewish site though it did have a longstanding association with Islam, and thus begins the largely petty conflict over land that you would come to expect between two schoolchildren, rather than two thousand-year old religions both professing to be progenitors of peace. Starting from the beginning, remember that the Jews have claim to the land here dating back to the 10th century BCE, almost 1600 years before Islam was invented. So if anyone says that the Jews have don’t have any history here (basically everyone on the internet and the media) it’s because they’re either uneducated anti-Semites, educated to be anti-semites, or anti-Semitic trolls (either way it’s not helpful). But it’s not all the Muslims fault as you’ll learn how the Jews didn’t exactly learn any valuable lessons during their own years under oppression. Following the destruction of the Second Temple, leaving this single wall behind, the Jews would gather here for their daily wails (don’t cry for me Jerusalem) until the failed Bar Kochba revolt against Rome in 135 CE, after which Jewish worship was permanently banned. Under Christian Roman rule, the Jews were permitted to pray here once a year on Tisha B’Av, the day on which both the first and second temples were destroyed over 500 years apart (basically the Jewish 9/11). This ban extended into medieval times under Ummayad and Mamluk authority, the latter of which granted the area to Moroccan settlers. The Jews were finally granted daily access to the area under the authority of the Ottoman Empire, but weren’t allowed to make noise or study there (which if you know any Jews, is probably asking too much) giving rise to tension between Jews and local Moroccans. And since the Jews don’t settle (well they do plenty of settling - drumroll) they made several attempts to purchase properties near the wall as well as purchasing the wall itself, but early attempts by Baron Rothschild were rejected after pressure from neighboring Arab countries. After getting serious FOMO the Ottomans entered World War I and they tried to sell the property near the wall to the Jews (because they needed the money!) but this time around the Jews didn’t have the necessary funding (disproving the Jewish money stereotype, or a clever negotiating tactic). In any case, the British took control of Palestine, a name given by the British in 1920, referring to the long-extinct Philistines, so Palestine technically predates Israel, but only in name (and probably not the best choice of name for the people trying to make a historical claim to the land). Under British rule, Muslims believed that the Jewish presence at the wall indicated intent to lay claim to the entire Temple Mount, including the holy Al-Aqsa Mosque so they did everything in their power to get Britain (playing the role of daddy) to prohibit them from praying there, which led to increased tensions and a 1929 riot, in which 300 Jews were killed. After World War II and the Holocaust the state of Israel was established, realizing the primary Zionist dream of a Jewish safe haven (so if you’re anti-Zionist, you’re basically anti-Jews being allowed to live). Unfortunately for the Jews, Jerusalem fell under the control of Jordan, who once again prohibited Jews from the entire Old City, at least until Jerusalem was captured by Israel during the Six Day War (taking land is never nice, but in Israel’s defense, they started it). Israel may have gotten a bit cocky and overzealous, by proceeding to bulldoze over the entire Moroccan Quarter of the Old City where the Western Wall Plaza now stands (and have just been bulldozing Arab neighborhoods ever since, allowing the Arabs to say “told you so” about Jewish intent though the Arabs, not content with moral victory have a history of sending their own children to blow themselves up in Jewish crowds). Suffice to say it’s complicated, and while religion may have ushered in modern morality, it’s pretty much a blight on modern society (with this being a case in point). But let’s try to think positive (and most importantly, objectively - taking sides only furthers conflict) and take time to appreciate the history of this place (good and bad) and marvel at this longstanding structure. You can only see a 187-foot part of the wall - most of the other 1,400 feet are behind residential buildings. The stones that comprise the wall weigh in at between 2 and 7 tons, with one stone, above Wilson’s Arch weighing 517 tons and were brought from as far as 2.5 miles away (an impressive feat for the Jews, even if they had help from ancient aliens). Only the first seven rows of visible stones (and 17 rows underground) are from the period of Herod - the rest were added during the Ummayad and Mamluk periods. As with all holy sites, make sure to dress modestly (head covering mandatory) and stick to your designated gender areas (yes it’s the 21st century but let’s try not to offend the less socially adept). Tradition holds that you may write down the names of family members, or a general prayer, place it in the cracks between the stones of the wall, then wait for the magic to happen (you might be waiting some time but can’t hurt). Electronic devices including phones and watches are prohibited on the Sabbath. And don’t turn your back from the wall when you exit (or the wall might knife you in the back). Regardless of your beliefs, be open, and respectful - maybe you’ll even see the light.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.thekotel.org for more information.
the western wall excavations
Beginning with the British in the 1870’s numerous excavations have been carried out in and around the Temple Mount, being a hotbed (literally) of archaeological porn. As you can probably anticipate, disturbances of this holy ground have been met with controversy. In 1930, the only excavation under Al-Aqsa Mosque revealed several mosaic floors dating back to the 3rd century, including that of a centaur probably from Pagan Roman times. But centaurs don’t exactly mesh with Islamic practice (unicorns notwithstanding), so no more excavations for you. The 1967 capture of territory adjacent to the Temple Mount allowed Israel to excavate the perimeter, which led to several antique discoveries, including the Western Wall Tunnel, but at the cost of lessening the structural integrity of the mosque. This led to Muslims claiming that the Jews were digging with that purpose in mind, which led to the cementing of Warren’s Gate, which you can still see, sealed up in the Western Wall Tunnel - the tunnel itself, however, remains open, which led to Palestinian protests that killed 54 Palestinians and 14 Israeli soldiers (that escalated quickly). But the Palestinians got their revenge by using bulldozers (weapon of choice in the Middle East conflict) to destroy what was known as Solomon’s Stables, commissioned as part of the Temple Mount renovation project by Herod, and to build a mosque in its place. They ended up shooting themselves in the foot though, because their shoddy construction (should’ve hired the Jews) caused a bulge in the southern wall that threatened a total collapse; they only allowed for the emergency repairs at the insistence of the mutually-friendly Jordan (“I love you guys, but you both suck.”) Then in 2004, an earthquake on the eastern, Palestinian side of the Temple Mount damaged a walkway and the Palestinians blamed Israel (Jews may control the media but controlling earth’s shifting crust is a bit of a stretch). Nevertheless, Israel stepped in and funded the repairs of the walkway at the small cost of the entire Arab world accusing Israel of using the repairs as pretext to undermine the structure of the mosque; Israel responded by posting a 24/7 live feed of the construction on the internet, to show that they were just doing construction (you can’t make this stuff up). A 2007 tunnel renovation by the Palestinians, with a bulldozer, was met with criticism by Israelis, who said they should have been using “a toothbrush” (approved by the American Dental Association). Both sides have officially accused the other of destroying antiquities to bolster their own claims to the land - can’t they both have claims to the land? (or is that too difficult to comprehend?) See the Wall Tunnel, Hasmonean Hall, Great Bridge and ritual bath before these damn kids destroy the rest of it.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.thekotel.org for bookings, opening times and more information.
city of david & Hezekiah’s tunnel
With several structures attributed to the Judean Kings of the Old Testament, the “City of David” is considered by archaeologists to hold the remains of the original core of Jerusalem, though it’s controversial because it’s located on land annexed from Palestine in the 1967 war and critics on both sides of the conflict claim that Israeli nationalism has led to a pro-Israel interpretation of the finds. Regardless of who lived here or what happened here, somebody clearly forgot to pay the bill because this place is a mess, though it contains a wealth of unique features from possibly as far back as the Iron Age, including a water shaft that was possibly used to capture Jerusalem by the army of King David from the Jebusites (if anything, the land should be given back to the Jebusites - too bad they’re gone) and the purported remains of King David’s castle, which includes one of the world’s oldest toilets. (still somehow cleaner than any toilet at a sporting event). From the third Iron Age are the Siloam Tunnel and Pool Siloam, built by King Hezekiah, as mentioned in the Old and New Testament, to allow for the flow and pooling of water, from nearby Gihon Spring into Jerusalem. If you opt for the longer tour, you can actually wade through the tunnel and pool, the perfect antidote for a hot Jerusalem day - if you don’t mind walking through a small dark tunnel filled with dark, questionably sanitary water (at least it’s not a sewage tunnel).
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.cityofdavid.org.il for bookings, opening times and more information.
bonus: little western wall
For those of you that want a taste of the Western Wall but aren’t hungry enough for such a large wall, there’s a bite-sized version just north of the larger one with far less crowds. As an added bonus, it’s also considered to be holier than its larger counterpart as it aligns exactly with where the Holy of Holies, or inner sanctuary of the Second Temple, once stood. (You wouldn’t have been able to enter the Holy of Holies back then anyway, as your face would’ve probably melted off a la Indiana Jones.) It’s also a good way to see what the wall looked like before the 1967 Six Day War, when the view of the wall was largely blocked by other buildings that weren’t yet demolished by bulldozer happy Israel. Technically located in the Muslim quarter Jews are only allowed to worship here in quiet, while Palestinians scream Allah Akbar on the nearby loudspeaker (because which ever religion is loudest is the most true).
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes. Visit www.jerusalem-insiders-guide.com for more information.
dome of the rock
The longstanding Islamic shrine and perhaps most recognizable symbol of Jerusalem was built in 691 CE under Umayyad caliph Abd al Malik to replace the First and Second Jewish Temple (shots fired). In their defense, the second temple was destroyed over 600 years ago (can’t let good real estate go to waste). The octagonal shape was inspired by the Byzantine Church of the Seat of Mary (451 CE) that once stood on the road between Jerusalem and Bethlehem and the construction cost was over seven times a yearly collective tax income in Egypt at the time (starving people don’t need food they need religion). The original wooden dome collapsed during an earthquake in 1015 CE (can’t rule out though pesky earthquake-causing Jews though) but rebuilt in 1022, and gold-plated in 1959 (for extra street cred); the dome was refurbished in 1992 with an $8 million donation by Jordan’s King Hussein, who had to sell one of his mansions in England to fund the project (poor guy). The current tiles are recreations of the original tiles made in Turkey under Ottoman emperor Suleiman the Magnificent in 1674 (the new ones were probably made in China). However, the Dome of the Rock is known around the world more for what’s inside of it, specifically The Foundation Stone, believed to be the place where God created Adam and where God tested Abraham by telling him to sacrifice Isaac only to intervene at last moment (the world’s first prank - can’t believe he almost went through with it). The site is so important to Jews that when they pray at any other place in the world, they face west, toward this very stone. The Muslims also once faced here in prayer until they abandoned the stone for a younger, sexier version in the Kaaba of Saudi Arabia. It’s still important in the Muslim religion as it is believed to be the starting point of Mohammed’s journey to heaven (couldn’t have done it without his trusty unicorn). It is also here at the outset of his journey that Mohammed got to hang out (pray) with his bros Abraham, Moses and Jesus, the original Fab Four - to be a fly on the wall during that conversation! So the reason Jews and Muslims (and more specifically Israelis and Palestinians) don’t really get along is because they both have deep ties to this rock and they both want this rock for themselves (yes they’re fighting over a rock), so they try to discredit the others’ claim to the rock, unable to reconcile the possibility that maybe they both have a claim to the rock? (or more likely, that neither have claim to the rock, because none of those things really happened, but that might be too complex to understand). Once you’re done with the rock you can marvel at the beautiful interior design, with inscriptions in Arabic, one of which that says Jesus was only a prophet, not a divinity (in other words, suck it Jesus), a reflection of the conflicting time in which the shrine was built (at least the Christians know how to visit in stride - imagine what would happen if the Vatican included a similar inscription about Mohammed, with accompanying imagery). You can also see an old inscription from the time of the shrine being built, though the name of the original builder was replaced by the renovator, the Abbasid caliph at the time (Al-Ma’mun was here). The shrine is also a popular pilgrimage place among Christians, who have visited here since the Middle Ages; it was actually the violence against Christian pilgrims visiting here and the subsequent destruction of the Holy Sepulcher Church that initiated the whole Crusades thing (they believed the Christians were planning to capture the shrine for themselves - they were probably right). The Crusaders eventually captured Jerusalem, in 1099, turning the Dome of the Rock into a church, and the nearby Al-Aqsa into a palace, which would eventually become the home of the Knights Templar, who officially recognized the site of the Dome being the site of the Jewish temple (not that they could have it back either but they were at least welcome to visit without threat of violence) The Temple Mount was recaptured by Saladin of the Ayyubid Dynasty in 1187 and turned it back Muslim as it remains today. There was actually a short time where it fell under Israeli authority, after the 1967 war; the Israeli flag was lifted from the top of the dome but Israel military general (and one eyed pirate) Moshe Dayan wisely handed it over to a Muslim religious group to maintain some semblance of peace, as it remains today (some semblance of peace). One benefit of the short-lived Israeli capture is non-Muslims are again allowed on the mount, lifting a long-standing Crusades-era ban. Jews are often encouraged by rabbis to visit the mount but not enter the shrine itself, as it is forbidden by Jewish law to enter other religions’ places of worship (because God is so mighty that he’s confined only to buildings associated with one religion.) Palestinians and Muslims round the world are suspicious of Israel wanting to seize the Temple Mount and build the Third Temple, likely fueled by some Jews plans to actually do so and relocate the Dome of the Rock, though religious Jews are opposed to this plan, because they are waiting for the Messiah to remove it for them (good luck, the Messiah takes longer than the DMV) and non religious Jews don’t really care for the temple as much as the beach.
Editor’s Note: Access to Temple Mount restricted to 8:30-10:30 AM/1:30-2:30 PM in summer months (7:30 AM-10:30 AM/12:30-1:30 in winter months. Temple Mount is closed Friday, Saturday, and on the Muslim holidays. Temple Mount can also close without notice.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.domeoftherock.net for more information.
al-aqsa mosque
Also know as “the farther mosque,” referring to the story of Mohammed, who teleported here from Mecca on his way to heaven (beam me up, Allah), Al-Aqsa is the third holiest side in all of Islam (the bronze medal is nothing to be ashamed about), and only the second mosque ever built after the Masjid al-Haram, which contains the holy kaaba, in Mecca. Also commissioned by Abd al Malik in 691 and completed by his son Al-Walid in 705 CE, it was built atop a much smaller prayer house dating back to Umar, of the Rashidun caliphate, using parts of the destroyed Church of Our Lady (they may have destroyed everything in their path, but at least they knew how to recycle). Several minor earthquakes about the next few centuries necessitated the melting of the gold from the dome and selling of facade tiles to pay for those repairs, until a massive (likely Jewish) earthquake left it beyond repair. It was rebuilt in 1033, also by the Fatimid caliph Ali Az-Zahir, and remains mostly the same from that point on. That isn’t to say Al-Aqsa avoided any conflict - quite the contrary, actually, especially in the 20th century, with increasing Israeli-Palestinian tensions. In 1951, Jordanian king and ally Abdullah I was assassinated by a Palestinian upon entering (the political equivalent of scoring on your own goal). In 1961, an Evangelical Christian (uh oh) started a fire with the intent to burn Al-Aqsa down, hasten the building of the Third Temple and the third coming of Jesus. (Jesus: “I had nothing to do with this, honestly.”) This attrack led to the formation of the Organization of Islamic Cooperation to protect Islamic sites (which if anything, will slow down the third coming - nice going asshole). In the 1980’s, two members of the Jewish Underground (which sounds like a fun place to party but is really an extremist Jewish organization), plotted to blow it up to solve the problems of the Jewish people (because violence is always the answer). In 1990, 22 Palestinians were killed by Israeli police during a protest in response to another Jewish extremist group announcing their intent to build the Third Temple (which shows the importance of keeping your aspirations to yourself). An attempted friendly visit (big mistake) by Israeli opposition leader and future Prime Minister Ariel Sharon led to a protest that sparked the second Intifada, which culminated in Israel police showing up at prayer time (never a good time) being met with a barrage of rocks (do they keep rocks around just in case?) and responding with gunfire, killing 4 Palestinians (never show up to a gunfight with a bunch of rocks). The exterior of Al-Aqsa is somewhat overshadowed by that of the Dome of the Rock. The interior more than makes up for it, not that you would ever know because non-Muslims are not allowed inside Al-Aqsa or Dome of the Rock for that matter, since 2000, the start of the second Intifada. So you’ll have to appreciate it from outside, unless you’re willing to convert to Islam, memorize a few verses - they will test you upon entrance if you don’t look Muslim enough (sweet revenge for racial profiling at any airport) - and dress modestly of course. At the very least, you’ll get to see something most tourists don’t. Maybe you will even see the light.
Editor’s Note: Access to Temple Mount restricted to 8:30-10:30 AM/1:30-2:30 PM in summer months (7:30 AM-10:30 AM/12:30-1:30 in winter months. Temple Mount is closed Friday, Saturday, and on the Muslim holidays. Temple Mount can also close without notice.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
golden gate & Lion’s gate
Built either in the 6th century under the Eastern Roman Empire or in the 7th century under the Umayyad dynasty (we don’t know because excavation is forbidden), the gate was walled up by Saladin, after recapturing Jerusalem during the Crusades, making it much harder to recapture without a way in (how do we get out?). It might have also been sealed to prevent a false messiah (a.k.a Jewish messiah) from entering due to the additional placement of a cemetery in front of the gate - the supposed Jewish messiah is said to descend from a lineage that cannot walk through cemeteries, a restriction that applies to anyone with last name ‘kohen’ or similar (scared much?) Jewish tradition makes reference to the Shushan Gate from temple times which may or may not be this very gate; it is said that the divine presence once came through here, and will come through here again when the Messiah returns (though the Messiah might get turned away at one of the various checkpoints) - on a non-fictional note, if this gate is actually the Shushan Gate, that would make it the oldest gate in the Old City. Even if it isn’t, it still holds significance in Jewish history, as it was the place where Jews came to worship in medieval times when they weren’t allowed to visit the Western Wall, though back then it was called the Wall of Mercy (no relation to Elvis or Uncle Jesse). In Christian tradition, this gate is the place where Mary’s parents met one another, leading to the birth of Mary and later, the Immaculate Conception (though Mary’s parents definitely boned). It is also the place where Jesus rode through on Palm Sunday (keeping it humble, no unicorns needed) fulfilling the Messiah prophecy. The nearby Lion’s Gate is one of seven open gates in Jerusalem (so the Messiah can easily go around if he has access to Google). It’s said that Jesus walked through here on the way to his crucifixion (who was probably starting to regret coming to Jerusalem in the first place). The lions carved atop the gate were commissioned by Suleiman the Magnificent in 1517 in celebration of his defeat of the Mamluks; the previous sultan had dreams of lions eating him (typical stress dreams), but was spared death by the Mamluks in exchange for overseeing the construction of the wall around the city. The lion also has a deeper connection to Jerusalem, being the former realm of Judah, one of the twelve tribes of Israel (the artist formerly known as Jacob), the symbol of which was a lion.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
muslim quarter
One of four quarters of the Old City of Jerusalem (the others being Christian, Jewish and… Armenian?), the Muslim Quarter is the largest, extending from Lion’s Gate on the east through Herod’s Gate at north and up to Damascus Gate at the northwest corner, and the most populated, with 22,000 people, mostly Muslims, living within its confines - it used to be a more mixed population but since the Palestinian riots of 1929, only 60 Jewish family remain and refuse to leave (and who can blame them? location, location, location). The Muslim Quarter famously has the Via Dolorosa, or the Way of the Cross, running through it - this is the street which Jesus was marched through on his way out of town (unhappy trails!) The street includes the first seven ‘Stations of the Cross,’ the various points on Jesus harrowing journey from condemnation to his second fall but unfortunately not including him meeting the women of Jerusalem (that happened outside the wall and wasn’t nearly as pornographic as it sounds). You can follow along with Jesus, like a good Christian pilgrim, as the stops are marked by plaques running along the road - it plays out more like a treasure hunt though (station 3 is in a gift shop). Not to take away from the holiness of the site (but definitely doing so), the quarter is very well known as a prime-souvenir hunting ground and a good place to practice your haggling chops. You will definitely overpay for whatever you get because you’re a weak negotiator who lets people walk all over you in life but at least you’ll get a nice souvenir.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
st. anne’s church & the pools of bethesda
Built in the 5th century, this church replaced a former shrine dedicated to the Roman god Aescelpius, or Egyptian god Serapius (all y’all gods look alike) both gods of healing. The most famous healing here however was done by Jesus, as mentioned in the Gospel of John, the healing of the paralyzed (the marvels of ancient-day religion). The church was also the site of a convent to which the first Crusader king Baldwin I banished his wife Arda in 1104 (proceeded by the “I think we should take a break” convo). The current iteration of the church was built around 1138 atop the grotto that was believed to be the home of Mary and parents Anna and Joachim (this is where they boned). St Anne’s is also one of the few churches that was spared by Saladin after taking Jerusalem; it was turned into an Islamic education center, as noted in the inscription above the entrance. The church was gifted by an Ottoman sultan in 1856 to Napoleon III in exchange for French support in the Crimean War (the Ottomans didn’t include a gift receipt, so the church remains in French hands to this day) The austere (drab) interior is characteristic of medieval style. The main attraction is the shrine to Mary, in the basement (just don’t inspect the grotto with a black-light - her folks were pretty wild). Then check out the adjacent ruins of the Pools of Bethesda, though the pools have since dried up (so no healing or pool parties).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
church of the condemnation and imposition of the cross
The second stop on the “Stations of the Cross” tour, this Roman Catholic church and Franciscan monastery also incorporates the Church of the Flagellation, which together are commonly identified as the site where Jesus was given his cross (“you win a brand new cross”) and where Jesus was, well.. flagellated. The connection, based on the discovery of Roman flagstones underneath the church, has since been disproven - recent discoveries attribute the stones to a 2nd century forum built under the reign of Hadrian, atop the Herod-built Strouthion Pool, as mentioned by the noted Greek-Jewish historian Josephus, which was located beneath the Roman flagstones. (so no Jesus here, but don’t let facts get in the way of blind ritual). In the crypts, you can still see the pool itself, which was once connected to another water tunnel that’s visible on the Western Wall Tour; the sisters of the convent had the pool sealed off from the tunnel (most likely to prevent horny creepers from entering the convent through the crypt). An alternative exit was proposed in 1996 by then (and still term limits be damned) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that would allow all visitors to bypass the convent when exiting the tunnel, but the plan was interpreted by Palestinians as an attempt by Israel to claim convent property as their own (Israel was probably like “Seriously, bro? This isn’t even worth the hassle. We’re just doing you a favor here”) and so Israel backed off the plan but the damage was done, leading to a protest that resulted in the death of over 80 Palestinians. (Tourism pitch: Israel - where even the most minor discrepancies can blow up and result in the death of scores. Have a great stay!)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: JERUSALEM
DAY 2: (Old City - West)
the garden tomb jerusalem
Discovered in 1867, this tomb, carved out of rock, is believed by some to be the site of the burial and subsequent resurrection of Jesus Christ though you won’t find his bodily remains here (because he was resurrected of course); the Christians unfortunately were way off - the tomb has recently been dated to the 7th century B.C. (honestly not even close) and could not have also been also used by Jesus because the New Testament says that Jesus was buried in a fresh tomb. (only the freshest tomb for our lord and savior), with the garden itself being dated back to Crusader times. Although Jesus is more commonly thought to have been buried at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher the Garden Tomb area was first proposed as an alternate burial site due to a nearby rocky area that fits the skull-shaped description of Golgotha in the New Testament, where Jesus was said to have been crucified (at least they didn’t base it upon seeing the image of Jesus in a nearby slice of toast). The alternate tomb theory gained traction due to the influx of Protestants visiting Jerusalem for the first time in the 1800’s. The then-recent Protestant Reformation marked the first time Christians started thinking critically about their commonly-held beliefs (where the hell were you the last 1100 years?) An unlikely proponent of the theory was the scripture itself: the New Testament states that Jesus was buried and resurrected out-side the city walls, whereas the Church of the Holy Sepulcher is clearly within the city walls (if you’re going to reduce yourself into blind faith, at least know your own scripture). Their reasons for adopting the alternate theory may have also been personal. They didn’t exactly feel welcome at the Roman Catholic Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and since one should feel welcome where Jesus is buried, Jesus could not logically be buried here (the closest possible approach between faith and logic). Recent research hasn’t been too kind to the alternate theory, as evidence now shows that the Church of the Holy Sepulcher was once indeed outside city walls but nevertheless, the Garden Tomb more closely evokes the description of the place Jesus was buried in the New Testament (so facts be damned) and after being accepted by the LDS (Mormon Church) as the official burial site of Jesus, the Garden Tomb is now the official burial site for alternative type Christians, the Brooklyn of “Jesus burial sites.” In truth, if Jesus did ever exist, and was a divine being, like God, Jesus would be everywhere and would thus be buried everywhere (religion and logic together again).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.gardentomb.com for more information.
zedekiah’s cave
Also known as Solomon’s Quarries this limestone cave runs for a quarter-mile under the Muslim Quarter, a distance which spans the Garden Tomb and the walls of the Old City. It is speculated that the cave was used during the time of Solomon, evidenced by the discovery of cherub carved into the cave wall, with the cherub being a symbol of the First Jewish Temple; the cherub is crude in design, indicating it’s age (or the complete ineptness of its modern artist). It’s more likely that the cave was hollowed out in the time of Herod, with the rocks being used to build the Second Jewish Temple and the still-standing Western Wall (not too far from the wall, but still definitely assisted by aliens). The cave is mentioned by name both by historian Josephus and in Jewish midrash (Jewish law) in relation to the laws of observing the Sabbath in a cave (conjuring up an image of savage, yet law abiding Jewish cave-men). The cave is also mentioned by famed biblical commentator Rashi (the John Madden of Torah hot-takes) as a hiding place used by Zedekiah, the last king of Judah before the destruction of Jerusalem, and the first temple, by the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar. According to legend, a deer led the Babylonian soldiers to the cave entrance, where they discovered Zedekiah, murdered his sons, and proceeded to remove his eyeballs (an eye for an eye, or for revolting rather - one does not simply revolt from the Babylonian Empire). The cave was sealed by Suleiman the Magnificent in the 16th century, and eventually rediscovered by an American missionary with the help of his dog (further proof that cats are useless; a cat would’ve known of the presence of the cave but not told its master out of sheer spite). It has since been opened up for tours and from 1868, is also used once yearly for a Freemason ritual; the Freemasons believe that Solomon was the OG (Original Grandmaster) of Freemasonry. The entrance to the cave is between the gates of Herod and Damascus. As you enter, you’ll be greeted by dripping water referred as the tears of Zedekiah (there’s no crying in religion). Inside the cave you’ll find oddly-carved rock formations often accompanied by names of associated carvers and plaques detailing the legends associated with the cave. One lucky visitor may even find gold. In 1968, a man claimed his grandfather buried gold in here. After securing the official permit, his dig turned up nothing. If only he had a dog.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.allaboutjerusalem.com for more information.
bonus: HEROD’s GAte & damascus gate
At center-north of the Old City stands Herod’s Gate, named for its proximity to the former palace of Herod Antipas, 1st century governor of Judea, who was famously mentioned in the New Testament. Pontius Pilate sent Jesus to see him (like being sent to the principal but replace detention with crucifixion). A Greek Orthodox church now stands in place of the palace, itself built atop the remains of a Crusader church called “monastery of the lentils” which famously served lentil soup to the poor (lentils again?). Alternate tradition holds that the current church is built on the remains of a prison in which St. Peter was held prisoner by Herod Agrippa, grandson of Antipas, and governor of Judea (they probably had a governor complex because they weren’t emperors). The gate is also referred to by its Arab name, Bab Az-Zahra, also the name of the nearby Muslim neighborhood, named after a nearby cemetery As-Sahira, meaning “earth’s surface.” The name is taken from the Quran verse “they shall return to the earth’s surface,” referring to the coming zombie apocalypse (of all the things religions that believe in, zombies are among the least far-fetched, zombie Jesus included). If you’re hoping to get buried here so you can be resurrected as a zombie you’re out of luck as the cemetery is reserved for Muslims who’ve made pilgrimage to Mecca (yeah, it’s pretty exclusive). The gate is also referred as “Flower Gate” in Hebrew, a much less intense, if not a little too basic, name, referring to the rosetta stone symbol above the gate. Herod’s Gate is the new gate on the block, being the most recent of all gates - it was built by Ottoman Suleiman the Magnificent around the time he sealed off Zedekiah’s Cave (when one gate closes, another one opens?). On the other hand, the neighboring Damascus Gate is the gate with the oldest still-used name, dating back to the 10th century. (its name doesn’t sounds a day over 900) One of the most common entrances into the Old City, Damascus Gate is named as such because the street leading from it once led all the way to Damascus in Syria (relations have soured to say the least) and still goes as far as Nablus in Palestine. It’s also called the Gate of the Column, referring to the Roman column, dedicated to Roman Emperor Hadrian, that stood just inside the gate (gone but not forgotten). Remains of an older gate, also dating back to Hadrian, were found under the current gate. At the time, the gate was freestanding (basically pointless), only incorporated into the eventual wall around the city in the 500’s CE.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.allaboutjerusalem.com for more information.
christian quarter
One of the four quarters of the Old City, the Christian Quarter runs along the northwestern wall of the Old City and contains over 40 places that are considered to by holy by Christianity (this is where Jesus sneezed). At the heart of the quarter is the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, where Jesus is claimed to have died (and un-died, and possibly even sneezed, who knows) The quarter is for the most part made up of educational and commercial space, including souvenir shops, (a master course in advanced haggling) coffee shops (hipster Jesus turned water into coffee) and hotels, many of which are operated by adjacent churches (the bible in your drawer might be an original copy, not that you’d read it anyway unless you have to go to the bathroom really bad and you don’t have anything else to read - happens more often than you think, but whatever gets people reading the good book in these trying times). The New Gate at the northwest corner is one of the most recently built entrances of the Old City; it was built in 1898 due to an influx of French and Russian Christians settling just on the other side of the wall. Nowadays, there isn’t much fervor for Christianity in the Old City and very few residential spaces in this quarter as the Palestinian Christians are plummeting in number (maybe they think all kids are born through immaculate conception). Forget about whales (they’re all dead). Save the Christians!
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.gojerusalem.com for more information.
church of the holy sepulcher
Officially recognized as the place of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus by Christianity (#notallchristians), the Church of the Holy Sepulcher is highlighted by an empty tomb (what would otherwise be the start of a horror movie) and contains the last four stops on the “Stations of the Cross” tour - Jesus was stripped at the entrance (what would otherwise be the start of a bad porno), crucified where the side altar now stands, dies on the cross at the main altar, and removed from the cross where left altar stands, forming the shape of the cross in his movement around the space (all of which isn’t possible to know but just go with it, not worth being excommunicated over). The designation of the site was initially lost but found again in the 4th century after Constantinople saw a cloud in the sky that looked like a cross (looks more like an elephant to me but okay) and converted to Christianity, ending the Roman ban on Christian practice. He sent his mother Helena to Jerusalem to locate the tomb of Christ (also to keep her busy, she probably had nothing else to do and was starting to get on his nerves). In a stroke of luck she happened across a tomb which was covered with crosses, (cross marks the spot) at the site of Jupiter Capitolinus, the temple built by Hadrian for the Roman god Jupiter. Constantinople ordered the destruction of the temple, which revealed a rock tomb, and built the first version of the church, consisting of a great basilica where the crucifixion happened and a smaller rotunda where the resurrection happened (more like a guest house, if Jesus ever returns - he never even calls anymore!). The church famously displayed the True Cross of the crucifixion which was discovered by Helena until the city and cross were captured in 614 AD by Sassanid emperor Khosrau II; later recaptured by Byzantine emperor, it was brought back to Jerusalem but some claim this was a fake and the real one was lost by the Persians (or accidentally used to make smores) or hidden and replaced for a fake that was taken (epic bait and switch); the last location of the cross was recorded as Damascus around the time of the Crusades, though various wooden shards have been claimed as valid remains over the years and despite a lack of authenticity, are still considered priceless artifacts. (almost as priceless as an original Charizard). The church was rebuilt by Emperor Heraclius in 632 but the city returned to Muslim rule shortly after. Things started off well enough between the two peoples (they have the same god, what could go wrong?). 7th century Caliph Umar famously visited the church built stepped outside during the call for prayer as not to make it seem like him praying in the church reflected an intent to conquer it (which, if anything, shows you how overly sensitive religious people are, for good or bad). He further decreed that no Muslim could pray inside the church, setting a precedent that lasts to this day (the prohibition of Jewish prayer on Temple Mount). Sometimes it takes just one slight between overly-sensitive worshippers of opposite religions to turn things upside down, as in 935, when Christians prevented Muslims from constructing a mosque, next door to the church (don’t stand, don’t stand so close to me). Things escalated pretty quickly from there, with Caliph al-Hakim ordering the complete destruction of the church (should’ve let us build the mosque) as part of an overall assault on Christianity. Hakim’s son Ali Az-Zahir, who commissioned the repair of Dome of the Rome and Al-Aqsa, tried to make things right by offering to rebuild the church in exchange for the reopening of the mosque in Constantinople. He put a lot of money into rebuilding the rotunda but the basilica was left in ruins, which left Christian pilgrims with a sour taste in their mouth (could’ve just been the foam coming out of their mouths), culminating in the start of the First Crusades, just fifty years later, in 1099. The First Crusade was technically an armed pilgrimage (what sounds like the start of a weird but cool period-action movie) to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher but it escalated into all out war. The church was so integral to Jerusalem that the first Crusader king of Jerusalem called himself “the protector of the Holy Sepulcher” rather than king (plays more humble on the resume). During the brief Crusader Kingdom, the remains of the original, Hadrian-built Jupiter Capitolinus, were found, and rededicated to Helena, founder of the tomb of Jesus (and overall a great and supportive mother, of Constantine). The church was renovated to incorporate both the crucifixion and resurrection sites as it is today, and although the city was recaptured by Saladin in 1187, he was wise enough to allow Christians to continue visiting the site (that will keep them distracted). The church was retaken and regained and damaged and destroyed at various points through the Renaissance and Modern Age, sometimes resulting from conflicts between different sects of the same religion (how can we love others if we don’t even love ourselves?) but the church, for the most part is mostly comprised of authentic artifacts. Starting in the courtyard, also known as parvis (let’s stick with courtyard) you’ll find the blue-domed Chapel of the Franks, where Jesus revealed his… “divinity,” as well as the tomb of a knight and signer of the Magna Carta (there’s one for the resume). To the left of the blue dome is the “immovable ladder,” reflecting a Status Quo held between the six sects that manage the church; in other words, no one church can act without approval of the other five, placed as far back as 1728 (either that, or someone they’ve just had a string of seriously negligent janitors over the years). A stairway inside leads to the Cavalry, where Jesus is said to have been crucified. Here you’ll find two altars. The north altar is built over a rock that Jesus is said to have died on, the 12th stop on your interactive Jesus tour (12th Station of the Cross). The other chapel is where he was nailed to the cross, the 11th stop (but not as much fun since there’s nothing to touch - petting things makes history a lot more interesting, like a historical petting zoo). In between the altars is a statue of Mary, the 13th station, who helped Jesus off the cross. (no parent should have to bury their own child… especially after removing their bloody corpse from a crucifix). Under the Cavalry is the Chapel of Adam, where Adam’s skull is said to be buried, though there’s no evidence for the existence of Adam (so nothing to lose your head over). It’s said that when Jesus died, his blood ran through the rocks, filling Adam’s head with blood (cool story bro). The main event is under the Rotunda, where you’ll find the Aedicula, which encloses the tomb of Jesus, covered in a marble stone to prevent pilgrims from chipping off pieces of the tomb as souvenirs (as if they don’t have enough chachkas lying around the house already). Also worth a visit are the underground chapels - Chapel of St. Helena (dedicated to Mom of the Year, 312 CE), Chapel of St. Vartan, which contains from both Hadrian’s temple and Constantine’s Basilica (by appointment only) and Chapel of the Invention of the Holy Cross, where Helena found the True Cross. North of the Aedicula are two chapels where Jesus is said to have appeared to his mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, respectively, after resurrection, likely scaring the living shit out of them.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.churchoftheholysepulchre.net for opening times and more information.
lutheran church of the redeemer
After Christ Church, Lutheran Church became only the second Protestant Church built in the Old City of Jerusalem. Completed in 1898 on land obtained by the Prussian Empire, it serves as a nice counterpoint to the nearby Church of the Holy Sepulcher, being much newer looking (like a fresh pair of kicks), more austere in its design (reflective of its Germanic builders), and largely free of relics (which are of doubtful authenticity anyway). It was personally dedicated by Kaiser Wilhelm II, who rode through Jaffa Gate on horseback (at least not through the Golden Gate, or he would’ve been mistaken for the Messiah). At the dedication, he gave a speech about how Germanic greatness descends from the glory of Jerusalem (a connection lost on Hitler, maybe he was absent that day in class). “Redeemer” refers not only to Jesus but to the (questionable) discovery of part of the second wall just beyond the confines of the church property, giving the church a claim to the real crucifixion and resurrection site of Jesus (it’s since been disproven, but let them have their moment). A relatively short (by tower standards) climb up the bell-tower gives you a beautiful panoramic view of the Christian Quarter and some fresh, if not musky, Jerusalem air (at the low cost of running out of air to get there). If you’re allergic to sunlight, you can opt for the dank air of the crypts, containing remains of a former church and quarry.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.elcjhl.org for opening times and more information.
BONUS: hezekiah’s pool
Not exactly a pool that you’d want to swim in or drink out of, this pool is nevertheless significant, believed to be built by Hezekiah, as mentioned in 2 Kings in the Old Testament. It was here that Hezekiah met with Assyrian messengers in a meeting that must’ve not gone too well because they briefly laid siege to Jerusalem. It’s now fully dried out but better than the filled with garbage look.
Editor’s Note: the pool is closed indefinitely for preservation but visible from the roof of the adjacent Imperial Hotel.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
bonus: Jaffa gate
One of the seven main entrances to the Old City, the Jaffa Gate was built in 1538 by Suleiman the Magnificent. The entrance is L shaped for defensive purposes, previously fitted with heavy doors at both ends to slow attackers (another door? forget about it. I’m going home). Just inside the gate are two tombs said to belong to the chief Ottoman builders of the present wall around the city. Legend holds that they accidentally left the Tomb of David and the Mount of Olives outside the confines of the wall, so they were relieved of their duties (and by relieved we mean executed) but still buried within the walls out of respect for an overall job well done (you guys want the good news or the bad news first?). It was originally called The Gate of David’s Chamber; the Arabs believed that the prophet Dawud (Jewish King David) had a private prayer room on the second floor of the Herodian built tower that once stood here (or the place he took the babes to if they “wanted to go somewhere more private” - no means yes if you’re king, especially a philanderous one such as David). It was renamed to Jaffa Gate due to it facing the port city of Jaffa in Tel Aviv where pilgrims would disembark on their voyage to the Holy Land. A ramp and breach in the wall were added in 1898 in advance of the visit of Kaiser Wilhelm II, who clearly wanted to make an entrance (with accompanying WWE-style theme music). He rode in on a white horse, as prophesied with regard to the future Messiah but opened the wall rather than enter through a gate as not to make too blatant a connection; British general Edmund Allenby later visited on foot (in 1917), a purposeful counterpoint (shots fired, in a typical passive-aggressive British manner). Also in 1898, a clocktower was added above the gate to commemorate the 25th ruling year of Ottoman sultan Abdul Hamid II. Seven such clocktowers were built in Israel/Palestine, most famously the one still standing in the Port of Jaffa, among 100 more towers built across the then-dwindling Ottoman Empire. The British (in typical British fashion) destroyed the tower after seizing Jerusalem, “for aesthetic reasons” (which, in retrospect, should have been their excuse for all colonial endeavors). The gate was also the site of a former marker indicating Point Zero in Jerusalem, from which all points were measured, but the marker is gone (you can leave your ruler at home). John Paul II also entered the gate in 2000.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.allaboutjerusalem.com for more information.
tower of david
Also known as “Jerusalem Citadel,” the Tower of David, or TOD for short (though you should feel mildly uncomfortable referring to this ancient tower as Tod) dates back to Mamluk and Ottoman times though it stands on the remnants of former towers built as far back as 150 BC, when the first tower was built, along with the rest of the First Wall around Jerusalem, by Hasmonean king Hezekiah in order to protect the city from Assyrian assault (a good name for a hypothetical ancient Assyrian death metal band). Three towers were added by the Roman king of Judea Herod (because you can never have just one) in 34 BC. He even gave the towers names (unfortunately none of which were Tower McTowerface), the tallest named Phaisel after his brother who had killed himself in captivity (if you or someone you know…), another named Mariamne, after his second wife who he had executed, and is buried nearby (a bitter divorce to say the least) and the last named Hippicus, for one of his friends (a true friend is someone who names a tower in your honor, everyone else is fake). One of these towers (not known which), forms the base of the current tower; the others were initially preserved by the Romans who conquered Jerusalem to show how mighty they were (they’re not that tall, get over it). The fort was used by monks in the 4th century; they either had some righteous ragers, or just left all the maintenance to God because there was only one tower stranding by the Byzantine era. That’s when it came to be known as the Tower of David, mistakenly believing it to be the site of the King David Tower mentioned in the Book of Samuel: “thy neck is like the tower of David built with turrets, whereon there hang a thousand shields, all the armor of mighty men.” (Are you calling me fat?) While it survived the “changing of the guard” during the Crusades, it was destroyed in 1260 by the Mamluks only for them to rebuild it in 1310 (make up your mind Mamluks). Expanded by the Ottomans, it served as a garrison for troops, with the addition of a mosque and minaret that still stand today. After capturing Jerusalem in World War I, British general Edmund Allenby proclaimed victory from the tower top (over tea and crumpets one would presume). Climb the tower and declare victory over stairs; it’s the small victories that count.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.tod.org.il for opening times and more information.
st. mark’s church
The church and monastery of the Syriac Orthodox Church rests on the site of the former home of Mary (crowd goes wild). Not Mary mother of God, Mary mother of Mark (crowd goes quiet). But we have a piece of the Holy Cross! (crowd goes wild again). That’s the story on the inscription outside the church at least, and the church is also a contender for the site of the Last Supper, though that’s much more likely to have happened at the Cenacle. Fine, so nothing important really happened here, you happy? (starts crying) Don’t be sad St. Mark, you have so many things going for you. (wipes off tears) Really? Yeah! Like what? Well to start, pilgrims have been visiting you since as far back as 333 AD; there are tons of manuscripts on display to prove it. I guess I have something to offer after all. Yeah, and you were established by Saint Peter himself; that’s pretty cool. Yeah, I guess that is.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for more information.
st. james cathedral church
Established in 420 AD in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City, St. James is the official Armenian cathedral of Jerusalem. If you’re wondering “what’s Armenia?” and “why do they get their own quarter (your jealousy is showing) it’s because Armenia was first to become a Christian country in 301 AD, so they were the first country to have pilgrims freely traveling to Jerusalem, and were thus the first people to carve out a quarter (and start hawking souvenirs) in the Old City. The cathedral is dedicated to two martrys, St. James the Great, an apostle of Jesus, and St. James the Less, a relative of Jesus (so much for God not playing favorites between his children). But it doesn’t really matter who has the better lot in life, everyone, great or less, gets violently executed in the end. St. James the Great was beheaded by Herod Agrippa (maybe an over the top attempt to establish himself outside the shadow of his grandfather Herod the Great) while St. James the Less was thrown off a building, clubbed and stoned (when you can’t choose just one method of execution). You’'ll pass the tomb of St. James the Less, marked by a throne, at the front of the cathedral; St. James the Great has a more ornate tomb (because obviously) to the left of the sanctuary. The cathedral is one of only a few churches to have survived the Crusades and persists today without electricity, completely lit by a chorus of ornate lamps and chandeliers, just throw in some chanting for some serious ancient feels. Just outside the church is the St. James Convent, a self-sustaining religious compound, built to house thousands of people (they were a bit bullish on religion back then, business is a bit slow now). You’ll only be able to visit the compound via privately arranged tour, and once you go in, you can never leave. Please stay. It’s so lonely here.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.allaboutjerusalem.com for more information.
bonus: zion gate
Also known as the Gate of the Jews, or “Bab Harat al-Yahud” in Arabic, the Zion Gate was built in 1540 under Ottoman rule to give the Jews to a direct path to the Jewish quarter so they wouldn’t have to pass through the other quarters and stir shit up along the way. It was commissioned by Suleiman the Magnificent, whose name is written on the arch above the door. If that wasn’t sufficient to thwart would-be intruders, there are also windows above the arch that were used to dump hot oil on them (can’t let the leftover cooking oil go to waste). The area just inside the gate was used in various times as a livestock market, slaughterhouse and a leper colony, hopefully not all at the same time (this chicken tastes a little gamey). Built specifically for the Jews, this gate was ironically used by the Israeli army to penetrate the Jordanian held Old City during the 1948 Arab-Israeli War (luckily the Jordanian army did not know what the windows above the door could be used for). The Israeli forces did not capture the Old City however until the Six Day War in 1967 - you can see bullet holes from the two wars in the stones around the gate (still better than the hot oil treatment).
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.gojerusalem.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: JERUSALEM
DAY 3: (Mt of Olives)
chapel of the ascension
Near the highest point on the Mount of Olives stands a shrine marking the place where Jesus is said to have ascended to heaven after his resurrection (sans unicorn). Early Christians are recorded as celebrating Jesus’ ascension in a nearby cave (where Pater Noster now stands) not because they were bro-ing out in their man-cave, but because Christianity was illegal at the time, so they had to keep things hush-hush. After Christianity was legalized, by Roman Emperor Constantine, the pilgrim Etheria, author of The Pilgrimage of Etheria (way to make it all about yourself), noted that pilgrims were celebrating on a bare hill, near the cave where the first chapel was built, a few years later. The chapel’s foundation is also attributed to Helena, mother of Constantine, after she had identified the cave and the hill atop Mount of Olives as the sites where Jesus secretly taught his disciples and then ascended to heaven, respectively, and ordered the construction of churches in those locations (second opinions be damned). Her case was substantiated by an indentation on a rock, believed to be the right footprint of Jesus, from when he ascended to heaven which if true, would mean Jesus had massive feet (and you know what they save about big feet - big divinity). There were actually a pair of footprints here, though the stone marking his left foot was relocated to Al-Aqsa Mosque meaning Christians won’t get to see it anytime soon unless they convert to Islam (come for the footprint, stay for the chai). Whoever built the church, evidence shows it was built in 390, then destroyed in the 600’s by the invading Sassanids, or Persians, rebuilt in the 7th century, destroyed, and then rebuilt by the Crusaders, only to be destroyed again by anti-Crusader Saladin who was at least nice enough to keep the footprint and the shrine around it intact; he allowed Christian pilgrims to continue to visit but still marked his territory by building a mosque around the shrine (all your base are belong to us) an arrangement that remains to this day. The mosque stands atop a tomb that dates back to the earliest church on this site and is attributed to a man named Domitilla, but don’t let clear facts fool you. Each of the three religions believe someone else is buried here, none of which are Domitilla. Christians believe the tomb belongs to the 5th century harlot cum virgin and Saint Pelagia (anything’s possible when you embrace Jesus, not sexually of course). Jews believe it belongs to 7th century prophetess (though if she were alive today, she would’ve probably deemed the title sexist and preferred to be referred to as prophet). Muslims believe it contains the remains of Sufi mystic Rabi’a al-Adawiyya, or maybe Rahiba bint Hasn, a woman known for not having anything about her known (how they know she was buried here, nobody knows). It’s interesting to note that all of the people believed to have been buried here and subsequently worshipped are women, which sounds progressive until you remember that religious men don’t have the best track record when it comes to the treatment of living women (you only appreciate them when they’re gone). At one time, in the 19th century, a witness noted that all three religions would come here and pray to their respective saints/prophets/mystics at the same time; happier days, when the religions were united in their ignorance.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for more information.
Pater Noster Church
The current Roman Catholic Church, and Carmelite monastery, the Sanctuary of Eleona, mark the site of the cave where Jesus is said to have taught his disciples in secret as mentioned in the Book of John, sharing his prophecies concerning the destruction of Jerusalem and his own second coming (I’ll be back). It’s also the spot where early adopters of Christianity (the latest in consumer religion) continued meeting in secret after his death and where Helena mother of Constantinople, established one of two chapels, the Church of Eleona (along with the Chapel of Ascension above) to mark the spot. Like the Ascension, Eleona was sacked by the invading Sassanids in the 600’s. A small chapel was rebuilt near the ruins in 1106 along with a larger adjacent church in 1152, which were both damaged in the siege of Jerusalem by Saladin and left ruined until the late 1800’s when the land was purchased by the French princess Aurelia Bossi de la Tour d’Auvergne (with a name like that, there was no doubt she was of royalty). She rebuilt the church and threw in a convent for good measure in 1872 and even predicted where the ruins of the original chapel and cave were located but didn’t have the means to conduct a proper excavation. It was years after her death in 1910, that the remains of church and cave were found in exactly the place she had predicted - she wasn’t alive to say “I told you so” but having her body exhumed from Florence and reinterred at the entrance to the church in 1957 was a nice consolation prize (though personally I’d prefer to be buried in Florence - less chance of your grave being desecrated by invading Sassanids). Watch your head as you descending into the remains of the chapel; the cave where Jesus taught is marked by a cage with a picture of Jesus inside (get back in your cage, Jesus). On the monastery grounds, you’ll find ornate plaques with text of the Lord’s Prayer in over 100 languages, which will make you feel like a dolt for not recognizing most of them (though some of them just sound made up; looking at you Sara Kaba Tchad).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
Bonus: Tomb of the Prophets
Containing three tunnels, each of about 20 yards in length, with 38 distinct burial plots, this tomb holds sacred status among Jews, who believe it to hold the remains of the last three Hebrew prophets - Haggai, Zechariah and Malachi, though archaeologists have clearly dated the tomb to the 1st century BC, about 500 years after those prophets lived and died, so there goes that idea (oh, you mean you’re going to keep believing said prophets are buried here anyway? cool). Prophets or not, it is still an authentic tomb and old AF, so it’s worth exploring even at surface level (or sub-surface level rather) if you happen to come by when it’s open - a rarity.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.journeytoholyland.com for more information.
Dominus Flevit Church
Excuse the tangent on the Hebrews, now back to your regularly scheduled Jesus tour. Built relatively recently by Italian architect Antonio Barluzzi, in 1955, this Roman Catholic church, meaning “The Lord Wept,” is shaped like a teardrop. While normally there’s no crying in religion, the church commemorates the tears that Jesus cried when he first laid eyes on the state-of-the-art Second Temple and immediately foresaw it’s destruction and the diaspora of the Jews (why did you have to be such a negative Nancy?) a prophesy that came true less than 40 years after his death, in 70 AD. A small chapel turned mosque originally marked the spot where Jesus cried, but it laid totally ruined until the land passed to the Franciscans, who commissioned the current structure. The remains of two Canaanite tombs (from around 100 and 300 CE) and a Byzantine mosaic floor (from around 700 CE) were found near the entrance to the property and adjacent to the current church, respectively. The highlight, however, is the church’s interior, which while basic, highlights what would have been Jesus’s view of Temple Mount (Jesus Vision), but don’t cry for me, Jerusalem.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
Church of Mary Magdalene
With no real significance other than it’s aesthetic (and thus photogenic) quality, this church was built in 1886 by Czar Alexander III to honor his mother Empress Maria though it was a peculiar choice for him to dedicate it not to Jesus’ mother, Virgin Mary but to Mary Magdalene, who some consider to have been a whore (just like you mom). On the other hand, she was Jesus’ closest friend and the first person he appeared to after he was resurrected (in more ways than one ;) and may be the mother of his kids (shots fired). She was the most important woman in his life, along with mother Mary and Mary of Bethany, either the same person or he really did get around (he had a fetish for women named Mary). Despite the lack of significance, the splendor of the church might bring tears to your eyes (or maybe it’s one of seven onion domes making you tear up - yeah, definitely the onions - wipes tears).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
gethsemane & Church of all nations
At the foot of the Mount of Olives is Gethsemane, or “oil press,” where it is said that Jesus underwent a night filled with temptation (a typical night out with friends) and torment from denying himself the pleasures offered by the devil (just take a hit, it can’t hurt). The pain was so intense, according to the Gospels, that he started sweating blood (at which point he should’ve probably just seen a doctor). To add insult to injury, he was arrested the next morning (which, if anything, just shows you’re better off just giving in to temptation). It’s also believed to be the place where the Virgin Mary was buried then ascended to heaven, and pilgrims have been coming here since as far back as 333 CE. Even if you’re not a belieber, the garden is worth a visit for the olive trees alone, some of which are over 900 years old (you can tell by how saggy its bark is or how much it looks like it just doesn’t care anymore) and the roots of the current trees may even date back to the time of Jesus. At the nearby Church of All Nations, completed in 1924 by joint donations from, you guessed it… all nations. In front of the altar lies a massive slab of rock said to be the spot where Jesus tried to pray the sin away. You can pray your sin away too but don’t get too close or you’ll end up like Jesus - arrested. The church around the slab was designed by Antonio Barluzzi (of Dominus Flevit fame) with columns in front depicting the fab four evangelists with a mural on top depicting Jesus mediating between God and man (if you want to get closer to God, maybe cut out the middle man?)
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
tomb of the virgin
Believed by Christians to be the burial place of the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus, this tomb is said to have been found empty three days after her death (though it’s worth asking what they were doing looking in her tomb three days after she died). Like Jesus, the Virgin Mary was said to have been resurrected three days after her death (she needed the weekend off from life at the very least) and ascended to heaven in bodily form, which seems to explain the lack of body in her tomb, except for the fact that the scripture concerning her lack of body death may have been written after her tomb was found empty. Not sure what evidence was found to influence the idea that she was ushered into heaven by Jesus himself but it makes a nice Hollywood ending to the story. Originally a chapel was built around the tomb, which was destroyed by Muslims, then rebuilt during the Crusades, and destroyed by Muslims again. The tomb remained intact because the Virgin Mary is venerated in Islam also but they built a mosque in place of the church to lay claim to them tomb (they know she lived over a half millennia before Islam was even started right?) Whatever you do, don’t get too comfortable in your belief that Mary is buried here. There’s a tomb in Turkmenistan and one in Iraq that also make a claim to be the final resting place of Mary (really Turkmenistan?) while others even believe Jesus survived his crucifixion, which would’ve been an even greater miracle, and escaped with Mary to India, a perfect Hollywood ending except for being stuck with your mom.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
ABSALOM’s TOMB & Zecharias’ tomb (Kidron Valley)
On the east side of Jerusalem is the beginning of a valley separating the Temple Mount and Mount of Olives and stretching all the way to the Dead Sea (“Everything the light touches is our kingdom.” What about that shadowy place way over there? “That’s West Bank. You must never go there Simba.”) The section of the valley beginning at East Jerusalem is commonly associated with Valley of Jehosopat or the Valley of Judgment, where the Messiah will arrive and Judgment Day will begin (though Jesus did arrive here but wasn’t accepted as the Jewish messiah - the Jews are perpetually waiting for the right one). At the base of the valley are rock cut tombs from as far back as the First Temple period, prior to 586 BCE (tombs best visible from the outlook at City of David). The valley also contains several notable tombs from the Second Temple period. Across the street from the Church of All Nations follow the path over the olive groves and through the Jewish cemetery (to grandmother’s house we go). The path is so pastoral that you almost feel like a pilgrim approaching the Old City of Jerusalem for the first time (except for the dudes hawking cheap yet decent quality scarves - stock up while supplies last). The first large-scale tomb you’ll see on the left side is attributed to Absalom, the son of King David, who was mostly known for being ridiculously good-looking, until he later rebelled against his father (and back then, rebelling against your father didn’t just mean leaving the dinner table then going to your room, it meant raising an army to attack your father’s kingdom. Absalom was heirless so it’s believed that he built this tomb for himself so that he’d be remembered before he died in battle against his father. (“I can still take you over my knee” David must have snidely remarked to Absalom, lying on the ground with three arrows in his heart). Ancient Jews would bring their children here to show them what would happens if they mis-behaved (is that a threat?). The tomb was found empty (maybe he was also resurrected?) and the inscriptions found on the tomb contradict the legend; one carving says this is the tomb of Zechariah, father of John the Baptist, not to be confused with the tomb of Zechariah the prophet just next door (there’s only room for one Zechariah around these parts). Another carving says this is the tomb of Simeon, a just old man, but the carvings were written centuries after the building of the tomb, dated to the 1st century BC which leads some archaeologists to believe it is the tomb of Herod Agrippa, grandson of King Herod due to its similarities with the tomb of Herod found at Herodian National Park (like father like son). Behind Absalom’s Tomb is the Tomb of Jehosopat, a cave of further unidentified tombs. Next in line is Zecharias’ Tomb referring to a High Priest who was stoned to death but nobody is buried here either (everyone was apparently resurrected back then) and might actually just be a monument associated with neighboring Tomb of Benei Hezir, the oldest of the tomb trio, dating back to the 2nd century B.C. Unlike its neighbors, it seems pretty clear that this tomb is the final resting place of the priestly Benei Hezir family though some Christian pilgrims consider it to be the tomb of St James the Apostle, despite the lack of any evidence to that conclusion. So while it’s difficult to say without a doubt who was buried in any of these tombs, they are noted for their antiquity, Egyptian and Greek influence, and similarities to the Nabatean built Petra.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for more information.
BONUS: Grave of OSCAR SCHINDLER
A Czech-born industrialist and noted member of the Nazi Party, Oscar Schindler is most remembered for saving 1,200 Jews during the Holocaust (good people on both sides) by employing them in his ammunition and casing factories (the cheap labor didn’t hurt either). However, he was forced to bribe Nazi officials with increasingly lavish gifts, to keep them from asking questions, eventually resulting in his bankruptcy, but was able to keep the factories running until war’s end thus saving his workers from a certain death. (proving that not all heroes wear capes, though heroes with capes are slightly cooler). After the war he relocated to Argentina with his wife and mistress (sometimes it takes three to tango) and some of his Jewish homies, but struggled to find success, resulting in his divorce (the mistress being there didn’t help matters either). He returned to Germany alone but failed there too. In the 1960’s he made annual trips to Israel, where he was given a hero’s welcome (he probably needed an ego boost as well). Despite his financial failures, he received support from the Jews he helped, and continued to be supported by their descendants but died broke in 1974 on a visit to Germany. His wife Emilie remained in Argentina, also dying while visiting to Germany in 2001. (Germany can have that affect on people). Schindler was buried on Mount Zion and remains the only Nazi to be honored in such a way by the Jews. (Hitler is buried in a parking lot in Berlin.) Schindler was popularly depicted in Steven Spielberg’s 1993 film Schindler’s List by Liam Neeson who hadn’t yet honed in on his fighting skills, or the film would have gone down quite differently. (“I have a particular set of skills.”) Descendants of Jews saved by Schindler continue to pay their respects by leaving stones on the flat grave slab, a Jewish custom.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for more information.
SAINT PETER IN GALLICANTU
Translating to “cock’s crow,” Gallicantu is dedicated to St. Peter, who famously rejected Jesus three times after his arrest to avoid being implicated in the heinous crime of seeking reform to the system. (“I’ve never seen that guy in my life!” Looks at Jesus in the eyes. “So why are you crying?” I’m not crying you’re crying!) It was Jesus that predicated that Peter would deny his knowledge of him “before the cock crows twice” (after the third crow, he just completely lost it). A shrine was built here in 457 A.D, destroyed by the Fatimid Muslims in 1010, rebuilt in 1102, but left to ruin after Jerusalem was recaptured by Muslims (who had little room in their cost-cutting budget for Christian holy sites). The church was finally rebuilt in 1931, topped by a cross, which is topped by a rooster. (the real hero). Despite the relatively young age, the structure still impresses from top to bottom, from the multi-colored windows to the remains of a Byzantine-era shrine in the crypt. And since you can’t have a place in Jerusalem without ascribing connection to the life and times of Jesus, it’s believed that Jesus was imprisoned in this very crypt after being arrested and walked down the ancient staircase still standing to the north of the church, on his way to Gethsemane garden, on the night before he was arrested.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
DORMITION ABBEY & cenacle
Built on the ruins of the 5th century Byzantine basilica Hagia Sion (ruined by the Sassanid Muslims) is the Benedictine church and abbey named for the “falling asleep” of Mary. In the Bible, “falling asleep” is believed to be an indication of one’s death (though it may be possible that she just took one epic, noteworthy power nap). Two spiral staircases lead down to the crypt where said nap took place (it’s actually kind of cozy in here). On his 1898 visit to dedicate the Protestant Church of the Redeemer, Kaiser Wilhelm bought the ruined property and gifted it to the Benedictine order for the establishment of the current church and abbey, recently the target of ultra-nationalist Jewish vandalism, including a failed arson attempt during the 2014 visit of St. Francis to the nearby David’s Tomb and offensive graffiti slogans aimed at Christians and Jesus (“what would Moses do” is unfortunately not a Jewish tenet). The nearby Cenacle, or upper room, is believed to be where the Last Supper occurred, which might have been a Passover seder dinner but if you’re expecting to see a long table with an associated smorgasbord, you may be disappointed; you’re about 2000 years too late for dinner (2000 and late). The building itself, however, is from medieval times, yet its built where a structure once stood, that was believed to be the site of the supper, mentioned as far back as 333 CE. The Cenacle changed hands several times with the changing of power in Jerusalem, until its longstanding possession by the Ottomans and construction of a mosque in 1524. You can still see Arabic inscriptions on the walls of the room, one commemorating the conversion to a mosque; the other says “Bismallah” or “in the name of Allah,” a blessing Muslims say before any undertaking, as basic as eating a meal, or complex as, say, taking property that doesn’t belong to you, hypothetically speaking of course (as long as you say Bismallah its all good).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
king david’s tomb & Chamber of the holocaust
It’s considered to be the final resting place of King David, but if you’ve learned anything from your time in Jerusalem it’s that all archaeological evidence point to the contrary of everything that is held in belief (is nothing sacred anymore?) The structure it is housed in is all that remains of the Byzantine Hagia Sion (the original Dormition Abbey). Under Muslim control after the close of the Crusades, the property was formally purchased by the Franciscan order from an Egyptian sultan before it was partly seized by Muslims in 1429, then fully seized by Muslims in 1524 (Bismallah!) after the Franciscans found out David was buried next door, likely upset that they got fleeced out of the property’s most valuable feature in the original transaction. A mosque was built in its place under the Ottoman rule of Suleiman the Magnificent, which remained until the property fell on the wrong side of the Green Line in the Israeli Declaration of Independence on 1948. The Israelis desecrated the mosque, and put up a synagogue in its place (they didn’t even have the decency to say Bismillah). It served an important purpose however in Israel’s infancy since Israel was denied visitation rights to their holy sites in the Old City, then under Jordanian occupation. The tomb was thus considered one of the holiest sites in Israel until the Old City was captured from Jordan in 1967 (to be fair, Jordan started it). Since the Jews moved on to their bigger and sexier holy sites, the Tomb of David gets little love. The sarcophagus has been covered with the same blue basic cloth since 1949 (David was a basic bitch). And despite all the hubbub over this site, even Jewish text points to a conflicting location for the tomb of David, at nearby City of David. Some even believe that David was buried in a tomb in Bethlehem, along with prophets and noted Jews Ezekiel, Jesse, Solomon, Job and Asaph. The notion that David is buried in this so-called Tomb of David didn’t originate until the 10th century, when Christians were recorded as wanting to infuse spirit into places by connecting them to famous burials. Apparently the initiative worked too well, because at that time, Muslims (ever the late adopters) ceased visiting David’s shared tomb in Bethlehem and started worshipping this tomb instead. In the recent century, archaeologists have discovered elaborate tombs in the City of David, where scripture says David is buried, the most elaborate of which is believed to mirror evidence of its existence in the scriptures. So basically, the three dominant religions of Jerusalem have been fighting over nothing but false belief and entitlement, a truth that perfectly encapsulates the overall conflict that keeps the entire Middle East left back in Middle School (or the Middle Ages). Let’s try to end this day on a high note and make our way across the stone path toward the… Chamber of the Holocaust. You can forget about ending your Jerusalem trip on a high note but what better way to conclude your stay here than a poignant reminder of the cruelty that all people (ancient or modern) are capable of inflicting on others, as opposed to your preconceived belief that only your people are victims and all others are oppressors; time to grow up.
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.