DAY 1: (Northwest Coast)
qasr el yahud (jesus baptism site)
The “castle of the Jews” is a curious name for the site most commonly associated with the baptism of Jesus Christ by St. John the Baptist (who, before the baptism, was just Jesus’s “homeboy” Johnny) as described in all the gospels, except for that of John (not wanting to toot his own horn). Mathew describes John initially being surprised at Jesus asking him to baptize him, thinking that he should have been the one baptized by the holier Jesus, but Jesus insisted (fine, if you insist). Luke describes John’s earlier birth, to Elizabeth, a friend of Mary, who recently gave birth to Jesus (pregnancy pals!). The gospels all agree that the Holy Spirit descends upon Jesus right after the baptism, making him a divine (could just be toxic water that gave him superpowers). Jesus then spends the next 40 days and nights fasting in the Judean Desert, fighting off the temptation of the Devil (maybe he should’ve tried eating some simple carbs - that usually shuts the devil up for a few hours). Biblical scholars view Jesus’s baptism as one of two events in the New Testament that almost certainly took place, historically speaking (wait, so the bible shouldn’t be taken as truth in word for word?) The site is also where the Israelites led by Joshua (Moses’ lesser-known understudy who actually got the job done but gets none of the credit) crossed into the Promised Land after forty years aimlessly wandering the desert, after being freed from Egypt. (looks at map and realizes you would have had to pass the Promised Land to get to Jordan. Joshua: “uh Moses? Are you sure we’re going the right way? the promised land is that way!” Moses: “just stop being a backseat shepherd!”) It’s also the place where Elijah is said to have ascended to heaven on a “chariot of fire” (definitely abducted by aliens). The Jordan river also marks a once contentious border between Jordan and Israel, littered with mines (a minefield, both literally and figuratively), and was impossible to visit until the two countries made peace in 1994; stick to the path though; they cleaned up the figurative mines but not the literal ones. It’s a must-visit for pilgrims who, despite the poor water quality, “renew their vows” to Jesus in the river, hoping to receive his blessings or some superpowers couldn’t hurt though it’s more likely they’ll contract one or more of the diseases from Oregon Trail.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.deadsea.com for opening times and more information.
qumran national park
Just one mile from the northern coast of the Dead Sea are the remains of a Hellenistic settlement, built around the 100’s BC under the rule of Jewish High Priest John Hyrcanus (who doesn’t sound Jewish but that’s the power of Hellenism) then destroyed by the Romans around the 70’s CE (doesn’t exactly qualify as a ‘good run’). The settlement however, is more famous for the caves found nearby where the now famous Dead Sea Scrolls, over 900 scrolls in total, were discovered in 1947 (someone’s summer reading list just got way out of hand). The scrolls have been mostly deciphered by now, detailing commonly accepted Jewish practices, but a number of divergent practices as well (the sabbath is a time of rest… and rock and roll!), perhaps beliefs unique to those who lived at Qumran. The only problem is no one knows for sure who lived at Qumran (alien Jews?) Early archaeologists had yet to find the caves when the site was discovered about a century earlier in 1951, so early theories were based on findings of the adjacent grave yard (free movie idea: zombie Jews rise from the grave, hungry for flesh, but only eat the flesh of other Jews, because it’s kosher). Of the 1000-plus burials exhumed (so much for not disturbing the dead) most were men (can’t rule out a glorified He Man Woman Hating Club) but this might not say much about the original settlement, as the bodies may’ve been brought here from neighboring towns (can you stop leaving your trash [err bodies] on our lawn [err sand]?) and might’ve been from as recent as Medieval times, far removed from the settlement’s Roman-era beginnings. All that was certain was the settlement was a fortress of some kind (no shit Sherlock-berg) as was the case with most other isolated desert settlements of the time (Masada, Herodion… Helm’s Deep etc.) All that changed when the first cave was excavated in 1951 by Roland de Vaux, who theorized that Qumran was the City of Salt, as mentioned in the Book of Joshua (you can find me in the City of Sugar, especially that time of the month), or Secacah, mentioned in the same book as a neighboring settlement. The latter theory was bolstered by the discovery of the “Copper Scroll,” specifically mentioning Secacah and its features which match up almost perfectly to the features of Qumran (the only more precise evidence to the theory would be the discovery a sign that says, “Welcome to Secacah. You’re in Secacah. Definitely Secacah.”) But the book of Joshua still doesn’t say much about who lived there and who left the scrolls, leaving de Vaux to further theorize that Qumran is the ruins of an isolated Jewish sect known as the Essenes, who settled here to get away from it all (it being mainstream Judaism), possibly seeking refuge from religious persecution (like a less successful America), based on evidence in the scrolls, and accounts from historians of the time. Unfortunately, de Vaux died in 1971 without compiling a full report on his findings and theories, and his colleagues had trouble piecing together his work because much of the evidence, including significant coinage, was missing (or de Vaux was a glorified pirate), leaving the Qumran significance open to interpretation. De Vaux’s successor found evidence of more sophisticated cultural imprints (basically saying that religious people aren’t sophisticated), including glassware, opening the doors for later theories of wealthier, possibly Roman, occupants. Specifically, the discovery of mason jars akin to those found in Jericho, Herodian, and Masada (and modern-day Brooklyn) link Qumran to other Herod-era fortresses. The cisterns originally believed by de Vaux to have been ritual baths were probably just for water storage, as there wasn’t much rainfall, meaning residents would’ve eventually been ritually bathing in their own filth (to each their own). And despite de Vaux’s possible piracy, the still relatively high-volume of coins found here suggests a community that dealt in outside trade; if they were isolated they would’ve have much need for money, as opposed to bartering (or sexual favors, the safest currency in harsh economic times). The coin cache also helped to determine when the fortress was destroyed or fell out of use, as there are no coins appearing from after the year 73 AD, the same year as the destruction of Masada. It’s possible that after the Jews of Masada were defeated there wasn’t a reason for Romans to be stationed in the middle of nowhere so they just abandoned ship (or they were abducted by aliens and are hanging out with the also-vanished Mayans on Planet X - see youtube for more evidence). None of the later theories, however, provide any explanation for the scrolls themselves (obviously the Romans didn’t dabble in messianic Jewish scripture) which leads us to the theory that the site was first built as a palace, for the ruling Hasmoneans Jews, abandoned, then taken up by the sectarian Jewish Essenes, again abandoned, repurposed by the Romans as a checkpoint and abandoned one last time (that explains all the abandonment issues), a theory which is in line with the evolution of use among the other Herod-era fortresses in the region. Whatever it was matters not, because now it’s just a pile of rubble, but if you can’t appreciate it on surface level,
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.parks.org.il for opening times and more information.
Gallery 430 (Kalia Beach)
Directly after the turn-off to Kalia Beach, you’ll see a row of abandoned yet beautifully colored, mural-adorned buildings running along the side of the road (it would seem like a horror movie trap if not for all the colors, but maybe that’s just how they get you). If you can delay your beach gratification for a just awhile longer, it’s worth a detour at this former Jordanian military base turned first Hebrew settlement turned Gallery -430, the lowest art gallery in the world; the Dead Sea is the lowest point in the world below sea level, so every business or point of interest around here claims to be the lowest of its kind (we get it). Excuse the cheesy name, the gallery itself is an epic collaboration between 30 local and international artists, as part of an effort to draw public attention to Dead Sea conservation efforts (nothing sinks in the Dead Sea except for the sea itself) and coexistence (yet another sinking ship).
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.premier-deadsea.com for more information.
The Dead Sea (kalia beach)
While it’s technically a lake (says the geology nerd with no friends), this body of water flowing from the Jordan River and along the border of Israel and Jordan is referred to as the “sea of salt” in the Hebrew Bible but that isn’t quite as catchy as the Arabic-derived “Dead Sea,” named as such because the high salt content makes it inhospitable to all living things (though you wouldn’t know it from the throngs of tourists and locals alike). At 1412 feet. below sea level, it’s also the lowest point in the world (how low can you go?) as well as the saltiest body of water in the world, nine times as salty as the ocean (why you gotta be so salty?), so salty that there are no plants and animals inside of it, (though you’ll swear something just brushed up against your legs) and so salty that you can float in it without effort, so for those of you who are afraid of sharks or can’t swim, you have no excuse to not go in (though certainly you’ll find another reason to avoid living your life to the fullest). The “sea” was actually a sea at one point, overflowing from the Mediterranean Sea at various points before being cut off from its parent source (and having its credit card cancelled - thanks for nothing mom and dad) and drying out, leaving salt deposits everywhere. Then around 2 million years ago the land which is now Israel/Palestine (though back then it was Jewish and Muslim dinosaurs fighting over it) rose due to shifting tectonic plates, leaving the overflown water in its place, fed by the Jordan river and the salt deposits at the lake bed. Originally it was a much larger lake known as Lake Lisan, but as the climate become more arid, the lake shrank (some major shrinkage) into its current size. Due to the high mineral content of the saltwater, plus the weak ultraviolet radiation and high oxygen content due to the low sea level, the area has become a haven of sorts for all forms of therapy real and imagined, including “climatotherapy” or the use of sun for therapy (also known as vacation), “heliotherapy,” the use of low level radiation for therapy (you can always go to Chernobyl if you want to speed up “healing”) and “thalassotherapy,” or the specific use of the Dead Sea for healing (a nice business tactic to get the typical low IQ consumer thinking they can’t heal elsewhere). Seriously though, Dead Sea immersion is a scientifically tested (mother approved) treatment for a host of medical conditions, such as psoriasis, rhino-sinusitis, osteoarthritis and stage-4 wanderlust. Besides the ‘health’ benefits, the Dead Sea is also historically relevant, that is, if you consider the Bible to be historical or relevant. In the times of Abraham, the coast was inhabited by various “sin cities,” including Sodom and Gomorrah, destroyed by God for their sinful ways (the excuse of “I was drunk” apparently not extending toward orgies and human sacrifice). The sea is later mentioned in the books of Ezekiel and Zechariah, with both prophets foreshadowing that the sea would return to a living state, i.e. filled with fresh water and life, upon Judgment Day (the redemption of man can wait, we’d rather be floating). It was also mentioned outside of the bible (aka real history) by Aristotle, who probably sojourned here to work on his treatises. The Nabateans and Egyptians also established an early presence here, harvesting the asphalt that naturally floats to the surface, for the purpose of embalming mummies ("for skin that lasts a thousand years” seems like a missed advertising opportunity). Jewish history played out prominently along the Dead Sea coast during the time of Herod (as explored at Masada tomorrow) and in the Roman occupation of Israel (as explored earlier at Qumran). The first modern exploration of the sea was conducted in 1835, soon followed by the 1868 discovery of the Moabite Stone, an 840 BC stone writing by King Mesha, detailing the occupation of Moabite land by Israel (some things never change), and the land’s subsequent recapture. This discovery led to the spread of fake moabite antiquities forged and sold by business partners Moses Wilhelm Shapira and Salim al-Khouri (proving that Jews and Muslims can indeed work together, albeit with nefarious intentions). In the early 20th century, the Dead Sea was discovered to be an abundant source of bromine and potash (a potassium compound for fertilizing plants, not “potatoes mashed,” unfortunately). The Palestine Potash Company was founded in 1929 to harvest these natural resources and employed both Jews and Arabs (proving that Jews and Muslims don’t have to commit fraud to get along). The company provided half of Britain’s potash supply during World War II, before it was destroyed by Jordan during the 1948 Arab-Israeli War (or from potash to just ash). But from the ash of the Palestine Potash Company rose Dead Sea Works in 1952, continuing to produce potash and bromine along with magnesium, salt (naturally) and caustic soda (obey your thirst). The Arab Potash Company was built on the eastern coast of the sea in 1956, working together with Dead Sea Works to dam and basically drain the entire southern half of the sea for the production of natural resources, at the minor expense of accelerating the sea’s already-rapid shrinkage of 3 feet per year and the appearance of big sinkholes along the coast. There are no plans on either side to reduce production (like everything else climate related, future generations will deal with it - basically, the current generation in charge is useless and needs to die for things to improve). Jordan, however, is spearheading an initiative in partnership with Israel and Palestine to pipe fresh water from the Red Sea to fill the Dead Sea, more evidence to the popular belief that people will only learn to work together when facing a common threat (was hoping for alien invasion but global warming will suffice… for now). The best place to experience it all, the history and the benefits is Kalia Beach with all the amenities, shops and restaurants you could ask for (the “lowest bar in the world” beckons) but who needs spa treatment when you can treat yourself to a never-ending float, followed by a self-administered mud bath. Simply reach into the shallow water and help yourself.
Suggested duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.kaliabeach.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: KALIA or EIN GEDI
DAY 2: (Central-West Coast)
ein gedi reserve
The “spring of the young goat” or “goat-kid,” trans-literally (which sounds like a less exciting but more comical spin off of Teen Wolf) holds traces of human habitation from as far back as the Neolithic Age, and all the way through the Iron Age, coinciding with the time that the biblical events purported to occur here would’ve taken place (just because “God” behaves like a petulant child doesn’t mean the Bible should be entirely discounted, being a valuable historical record). In the bible, however, the area is referred to as “land of date palms” and described as an oasis in this general region (not many places fitting that characteristic across this barren wasteland) In Genesis, it is referred to as a city of the Amorites, an extinct regional tribe, and was sacked by King Chedorlaomer, in response to Abraham and monotheism’s growing influence among the tribes (one god to rule them all). The book of Chronicles (not of Narnia unfortunately but of Judah) mentions Ein Gedi as a gathering place for the Moabite and Ammonite armies, two more extinct regional tribes seeking to overthrow King Jehosaphat (“phat” not fat) and the Kingdom of Judah. Spoiler alert: they didn’t succeed - when they saw how big the Jehosaphat’s army was, they were overcome with “army envy” and started quarreling amongst themselves, to the point that Jehosaphat’s army was able to collect loot without lifting a sword (best day of work ever). Later, in the Book of Joshua, it is mentioned, naturally, as a wilderness city of the Tribe of Judah and in the Book of Ezekiel, it is prophesied to become a fishing village after Judgment Day, when the Dead Sea becomes Living Sea (or “Alive Sea” as Jeff Bezos might call it). In the Book of Samuel I, David hid here from King Saul, after the prophet Samuel prophesied that David would take the throne ironically setting in motion the events that led to Saul’s downfall, specifically going crazy trying to kill David. Saul was no Goliath, but he did have an army that tracked David to Ein Gedi, searching for him among even “places only accessible to goats” (probably a waste of time if it wasn’t accessible to humans). It was a cave in which David took refuge, shielded by the divine miracle of a spider weaving a web over the cave entrance so that when Saul and crew came upon the cave, they assumed no one could pass into the cave without disturbing the web (or Saul was just afraid of spiders and this was his excuse for not turning over every rock in his search, literally speaking). Instead, the crew made camp near the cave, and when David had the opportunity to kill Saul in his sleep, he decided to cut off a piece of his robe instead, presenting it in the morning to Saul to demonstrate that he had no ill intention toward him, thus sparing David from death (“but you owe me a new robe,” Saul probably said to sitcom audience laughter, followed by him and David hugging it out to a sitcom audience “awww!”). Ein Gedi also played a role in post-biblical Jewish history when the Sicarii Jews, the martyred “heroes” who opposed the Roman rule of Jerusalem and later committed mass suicide on Masada, their last refuge from encroaching Roman armies, made a pit-stop here for a little gas, a little snack, and a little mass murder, killing over 700 people (“this tale has been formatted to fit your preconceived provincial beliefs and has been edited for content), mostly women and children who weren’t able to flee (so much for women and children first). For the duration of Greco-Roman rule, it served as an important source of balsam, perfume used for medicinal purposes (when you smell good you feel good). A mosaic found in the remains of a Greco-Roman era synagogue here warns the locals not to “reveal the town secret,” probably referring to the process of extracting balsam (meanwhile further implicating organized religion as just another business). Production ceased with the persecution of the Jews and destruction of the town under Roman emperor Justinian (“in-Justinian is more like it,” sarcastically mutters a sentry, who’s instantly overhead and executed), but the lush oasis, fed by four streams, promotes a variety of flaura and fauna normally unseen in desert lands. Beginner hikers can take a 30 minute hike to David’s Waterfall, passing some inviting swimming holes along the way, but avoid swimming in the waterfall pond itself, which tends to attract rules-be-damned youngsters and rather large falling rocks (match made in heaven, literally). Moderate hikers can continue at the trail south of the waterfall, to reach the Chalcolithic Temple ruins (beware the Hidden Temple Guards or suffer PTSD for the rest of your life), then ascend the Green Trail across the canyon then the path through the canyon itself to reach the Window, where you get the best “goat’s-eye view” of Ein Gedi and the Dead Sea from a distance, before returning the way you came, or for variety’s sake, descending on the Red Trail to Black Trail to the Field School near the northern park entrance where you started, a three-hour tour in total. If you’re looking for the path less travelled, park instead at the southern park entrance and take the red trail along the steam. You can branch off along the blue trail if you want to walk through knee-deep water; if you don’t want to get wet, you shouldn’t be on this path to begin with, as the payoff is the Hidden Waterfall, which, being free of both teen rebels and falling rocks, is open for bathing. Some people will take this path as far as the Upper Pools, but no need to be in this refuge for 5+ hours unless you’re actually seeking refuge from the heat (or if you’re wanted for murder) though things tend to get heated on the longer hikes (are we there yet?) so don’t attempt in mid-day.
Average duration: 1-3 hours. Visit www.deadsea.com for opening times and more information.
MASADA NATIONAL PARK
Atop this massive desert plateau are the remains of an ancient Jewish fortress, with unbeatable Dead Sea views. Unfortunately, Masada was too rife with conflict at any given time in its history for anyone who lived here to enjoy the view over their morning cup of coffee (not that you’d want hot coffee in this heat anyway and if you just finished the arduous hike up, coffee was a bad choice). Originally a Hasmonean fortress according to Josephus, it was modified into a palace by Herod the Great, and fortified around 35 BCE as if being atop the plateau wasn’t protective enough! (as it later turned out, it actually wasn’t protective enough, even with the fortification). After the destruction of the second Jewish temple and the capture of Jerusalem, Masada was easily overthrown and used as a Roman garrison, only to be overthrown again by the Sicarii, a sect of Jewish rebels who weren’t quite cool with Roman rule, slaughtering villages of both Roman soldiers, and Rome-accepting Jewish sects along the way (once you have the momentum going, it’s hard to stop killing everything in your path). They held Masada for about three years, before the Romans laid siege to it in 73 CE, in what was the First Roman Jewish War (the sequel was not nearly as epic). The Madasa siege ended in the mass suicide of 960 Sicarii rebels according to Josephus (so much for having God in your corner, you had one job). The Romans were able to overthrow the Sicarii with an impressively large siege ramp that helped them scale the short west side of the plateau, and once at the top, a battering ram to break through the door (modern warfare could use some more battering rams). Once the Romans broke through, they discovered everyone dead in a cave, an anticlimactic finish (the Hollywood version would probably throw in some hand to hand combat, maybe some light martial arts). Apparently, according to Josephus, they’d decided to commit suicide after a stirring speech from the rebel leaders (“give me liberty or… or… let’s just kill ourselves”), though seven people, two women and five children, were having none of that kool-aid and may have lived to tell the tale (or were raped and murdered). For such an important part of Jewish history you’d think there’d be more archaeological validity to the accounts of Josephus, but apparently, only 28 individual remains were found in Yoram Cave, the inaccessible cavern 100 meters below the plateau (it’s possible that the Romans collected the bones to use as weapons but there’s no precedent for this - just a neat idea). Archaeologists, who began excavating in the 1960’s, did discover some other cool stuff in the cave, such as 6,000 year old barley, likely not fresh enough for a mushroom barley soup, but fresh enough to be the oldest sequenced plant genome, to date. Shown to be different than wild barley, it revealed that the people of even 6,000 year ago were pretty advanced in the domestication of wild cereal (not quite Apple Jacks advanced, but they were well on the way). From here, archaeologists dated the earliest barley domestication to nearby Upper Jordan Valley almost 10,000 years ago (practically dinosaur times for the geologically ignorant). They also found a 2,000 year old date palm seed which was successfully germinated into a plant, the oldest germination to date, evidently making Masada more relevant to human history than to Jewish history (but don’t tell that to the Israelis) though it does provide an interesting if not inconclusive snapshot of a tumultuous time in Jewish history, due to the arid condition of the plateau, which allowed for the preservation of precious artifacts, such as (“on this episode of Cribs…”) Herod’s three-tiered palace, bathing houses, synagogues, and water cisterns, among other ruins open for exploration. Most Israelis consider it a rite of passage to hike up the Snake Path before dawn and see the sunrise from the top though you’re on vacation so you can wake up at a normal time and take the cable car up to avoid the midday heat, then hike down the Snake Path if you please (though the paths are roped off on summer days to prevent certain heat-stroke induced death). From the top of the plateau, you’ll have an impressive aerial view of the ruins of eight Roman camps surrounding the mountain; you can almost feel the Sicarii peeing in their pants (wear diapers). Take a map to guide yourself around the ruins, with special attention to the western side where you’ll find the remains of a Jewish synagogue, in which remnants of Jewish texts were found, virtually indistinguishable from modern versions of the text (as if you’d know the difference), as well as a view of the Roman siege ramp from the breach point (you’ll have to imagine the battering ram). Then follow the path to the north edge, where you’ll find the remains of Herod’s palace and bathhouse where the remains of three teens, two boys and one girl, likely Roman, were found, with evidence of the girl being scalped; kids these days (laughs nervously).
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.deadsea.com for opening times and more information.
Bonus: Zohar fortress
In the archaeological region known as the Upper Zohar, you’ll find the sparse remains of a fortress, most commonly attributed to Byzantine-Roman rule. Since there’s no mention of the fortress in Jewish text there’s no way to spin the ruins into the narrative of a intrinsic Jewish connection to the land (with an accompanying mass martyrdom story); thus you won’t see many locals among the already sparse visitors here. Rather, the fort most likely functioned as a Byzantine-era fortress, based on a big cache of coins found here from the 6th century, around the time of Emperor “in-Justinian” (another snide sentry bites the dust). Also found were over 40,000 shards from around the same time, most of which were remnants of cookware (perhaps serving as a studio location for the production of Iron Age Chef), along with over 23,000 mammal bones (today’s secret ingredient is… mammal), mostly goat. The location of the fortress along a narrow stretch of land, between mountains and the Dead Sea, would’ve made it impossible to pass without attracting the attention of the fortress inhabitants, suggesting it may have served as a defense against Saracens, or marauding Arab tribes (the Tuscan raiders of their time… and space). Others suggest that it wasn’t big enough to mount a serious defense and more likely served as more of a lookout (the Saracens are coming!) Some even believe that it was simply a place for travelers to stop for a brief sojourn on their long journey, to trade goods and to share news (and recipes! you have to tell me how you made that decadent mutton stew!) Whatever it was used for, it didn’t last long, ceasing operation around the 7th century due to de-militarization or Byzantine borderlands around that time (you guys kill anything? we ain’t killed shit!) or possibly earthquake as evidenced by remains of a child found buried under a pile of rocks (a teachable lesson in the important of not horsing around). On Route 31, you can stop first at ‘Dead Sea Lookout’ for some incredible water views on the way to ‘מצפה מיצד זוהר ע"ש יעקב,’ as it’s marked on the map roughly translating to “Look How Jacob is Glowing” (Jacob apparently suffering from radioactivity burns) for a distant view of the fort. For a closer look, take Nahal Zohar Road to its end, and a short walk to the fortified goat graveyard.
Average duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.deadsea.com for opening times and more information.
NEVE zohar or EIN BOKEk
If you planned your day right and got off to an early start, there’s still time for a sunset soak in the Dead Sea, where the healing waters are the perfect antidote to a day of ‘hot hiking’ (though if you’re suffering from heat stroke, you’re probably better off at the hospital). Pick the beach nearest to where you’re staying for the night, which will likely boil down to Neve Zohar or Ein Bokek. Neve Zohar has the advantage of being close to the previous hike, no more than a stone throw away (but don’t try it, lest you’re mistaken for a Palestinian child and shot dead). Originally established as a work camp for Dead Sea factory workers (not a bad life at all), Neve Zohar also has the distinction of being the lowest village in the world (so it has a bit of a napoleon complex as a whole). Ein Bokek, on the other hand, was primarily built for the purpose of tourism (so it’s not beating around the burning bush). Both towns have freely accessible public beaches though Neve Zohar has a bit more to offer in terms of activity, with its Sulphur Baths (egg salad anyone?) just north of Hamei Zohar Beach and the Dead Tree Salt Island, a short walk on water (do the Jesus shuffle) to… exactly what it sounds like, while Ein Bokek compensates with the Roman ruins of Castle Boukiq just off the highway.
Visit www.deadsea.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: ein bokek or neve zohar
DAY 3: (Southwest Coast)
Mount Sodom & Dead Sea outlook
The book of Genesis tells the story of three angels descending from heaven in the guise of men (as nobody would suspect men of being pure in thought and action) to visit Abraham and Sarah, basically to vet them, and make sure they were the real deal before God made them the fore-folks of Western religion. After Abraham dispatched Sarah to go make them some cakes, literally: "make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes” (quickly bitch). It was then that the angels delivered news of Sarah being pregnant, to which Sarah chuckled because she was 90 years old, which made God pissed cause how dare she doubt God, to which Sarah replied “I laughed not!” and God replied “but thou didst laugh,” in what amounts to the most petty of squabble (you can’t make this shit up). Then God told Abraham that he was sending the angels to the city of Sodom to scope it out because he heard it was full of sin (isn’t God supposed to be omnipotent and all knowing?) and that he was going to destroy it but Abe was all like “what about the righteous people there?” and God was like “word, I guess I could spare the city if there are 50 righteous in it (but even if there are only 49, they’re done for too), followed by Abraham and God haggling about how many people there’d need to be to save the city from destruction (an adult re-reading of the Bible makes God sound like a big bully, but at least one you can reason with… if you sacrifice things for him - God loves a solid bloodbath). The angels then went to Sodom and were welcomed by Lot, Abraham’s righteous nephew (what’s he doing in Sodom if he’s really righteous?) who provided them with shelter for the night (the angels sound like those annoying relatives that expect to be accommodated whenever they’re in town, without fore-warning). But apparently, there was a tradition where anyone who visits Sodom for the first time has to be sodomized (they would’ve known from the name except the word “sodomize” is derived from the name Sodom, to give you a better idea of what made Sodom such a sinful city or sinfully fun depending on your sexual preferences). Lot had to petition for the angels not to be sodomized, claiming that they were marrying his daughters (“I’m not marrying a complete stranger, dad!”). The villagers were like, “cool, but we still got to sodomize them first,” but the angels made the attacking villagers blind (hard to sodomize when you can’t see). Apparently, God had seen enough (or he just really isn’t into anal) because the angels advised Lot and family to “get the hell out of here, this city is gonna blow.” Tune in next week to find out what happens next (story continued below). All that is left of Sodom and Gomorrah are a bunch of rocky mountains, but their unique composition, almost entirely of salt, makes the area near Martian like in appearance. The salty nature of the mounts also leads to rapid erosion under even rare rainfall, and thus a greater occurrence of underground caverns, including the recently discovered Malham Cave, the longest known salt cave in the world (you need an experienced guide for any spelunking - the caves are as emotionally stable as the biblical God himself). There are two options for hiking, both steep - the Fish Trail, named as such due to the presence of fish fossils embedded in the rock, evidence of the Dead Sea’s one-time link to the Mediterranean (or evidence of the desert-dwelling Saracens having an “interesting” taste in home-decor, to say the least), and the Ladder’s Ascent, which requires for you to… you know. Your best bet is to hire a guide, especially if you want to see some caves hidden just off the path, and if you don’t want to get lost (by the time you’re found in this desert you’ll be fossilized on a rock wall).
Average duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.deadsea.com for more information.
Bonus: Lot’s wife
If you didn’t pass it on your guided tour, the rocky pillar known as Lot’s Wife is easily accessible from Route 90. As you can tell by it’s appearance, things didn’t exactly end well for Lot’s wife. Upon escaping the city of Sodom, God casually (and quite arbitrarily) instructed Lot and his family not to look back at the city being destroyed or they would be turned into salt. For Lot’s wife, at least, this was too much to ask, as she defied the order, looking back and turning into salt (curiosity killed the wife). It’s believed among Jewish people that her disobedience made her unworthy of being saved (a precedent that doesn’t bode well for wives in general). After Lot and his two daughters escaped, their angelic husbands disappeared (some angels they turned out to be - typical absent husbands), leaving the daughters without “a man in the earth to come into us” (they weren’t beating around their burning bushes). They also lamented the fact that their father had no wife to further the spread of his seed (hope you’re not thinking of doing what I think you’re thinking of doing), so they put two and two together (are you serious right now?) and got their father drunk (roofied him basically) so they could take turns having sex with him (a.k.a incest rape, if you had to narrow it down by porn category), thus fulfilling the sole purpose of their womanly lives, procreation (the bible hasn’t aged well) and fulfilling their father’s sole purpose of spreading his seed far and wide (men are still game for this though). If there’s one relevant moral to the story, it’s “don’t look back, the future is bright” (and if you do, you’re fucking toast). A short walk will take you to the somewhat figure-like remains of the wife of Lot - either everyone back then was this large, or Lot just had a giant “giant” fetish (imagine all the porn category possibilities if giants still walked the earth, “giant on midget,” to name one). You don’t have to worry about turning to stone since you (Sodom) is gone, but you might want to stay awhile to bask in the Dead Sea views, salt air, and some imagined destruction to spice things up.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.deadsea.com for opening times and more information.
Mamshit national park
The Nabatean city of Memphis, or Mamshit in “Ivrit” (Hebrew), isn’t quite as hopping as the birthplace of rock and roll of Memphis, Tennessee, but if you’re into “rocks and ruins,” there’s plenty to keep you entertained. Established in the 1st century BCE as a trade post between Petra and Gaza, Mamshit became an important stop on the Incense (and Peppermints) Road, a popular trade road between Asia and the Mediterranean. When Rome, and trade with it, went downhill Mamshit rebranded itself as the premier horse breeding destination (for all your horse breeding needs) specifically for the famed Arabian horse (they look pretty but they’re just a bunch of divas). But this only delayed the inevitable; Mamshit eventually fell to ruin under Byzantine emperor Justinian’s policies of persecution against Jews (sorry, can’t help you, empire policy). Yet even despite its fall to ruin, it remains today one of the most well preserved ancient cities in the vast desert of Israel, with several findings not seen in other ancient Nabatean cities, including a massive cache of treasure, the largest ever found in Israel, (though the real treasure is the friends you made along the way) which contained over 10,000 silver coins, suggesting it was a wealthy city (or evidence that old ladies have always paid for groceries one coin at a time). Not long after it was rediscovered it was envisioned by first Israeli Prime Minister David ben Gurion as the eventual capital of the state of Israel (he was way off the mark but politicians often are). It’s small for a national park with most of its focus on twin churches, one with extensive mosaics depicting birds, fruit and Greek writing, the other with lame-by-comparison columns.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.parks.org.il for opening times and more information.
Scorpion’s ascent
This 30 km stretch of winding uphill road (uphill both ways) has been giving travelers motion sickness since biblical times, having first been mentioned in the bible as the southern border of the land belonging to the tribe of Judah (the need to traverse it alone would’ve put any lingering border dispute quickly to rest). Known in Arabic as ‘Akrabim,’ or curves (switchbacks more specifically, Arab women wouldn’t understand if you complimented them on their sexy “Akrabim,” also maybe keep those kind of thoughts to yourself) the road functioned in the Nabatean times as a key marker along the Spice Route (swing a left at the massive scorpion shaped road - you can’t miss it). After being repaired by the Romans, it wasn’t repaired again until 2000 years later by the British and then expanded and paved by the newly formed state of Israel (none of them thinking of maybe just building a road around). It used to be the primary route from central Israel to Eilat, until a deadly bus ambush by the Arabs left a bunch of Israelis dead in 1954 (we’re definitely going around now), and is now used mostly for scenic (albeit nausea-inducing) driving. Due to its low traffic volume you can take your time enjoying views at top and bottom but keep guard for ambushes (more of the flash flood variety).
Average duration: 1-2 hours.