DAY 1: (Bethlehem)
rachel’s tomb
The burial place of the Jewish matriarch Rachel (not the Jewish matriarch Rachel from Friends) is revered not only by Jews but by Christians and Muslims alike, which naturally makes the tomb a hotly contested site (worshipping in unity would be too easy). What makes the conflict even funnier (if thousands of years of unnecessary bloodshed could be deemed funny) is that it is very unlikely that Rachel is even buried here, according to archaeologists. For starters, there isn’t even a tomb here (not a good start). The book of Genesis says Rachel died here in Bethlehem and her husband Jacob buried her here and put a pillar over her grave before he continued on his journey to Ephrath (he had other wives so no use crying over spilt wife). Modern scholars say it was a copy mistake in Genesis and that the road to Ephrath would’ve been north, while religious people think God the almighty actually sat down at a heavenly desk and wrote the bible, and since God is perfect, there can be no mistakes (God must’ve been tough to work with. No wonder Satan quit). Scholars further posit that the tomb is more likely located in what was then Benjamite territory north of Bethlehem and what was then Judean territory and that the Judeans appropriated the burial ground to give themselves legitimacy over the Benjamites (ancient cultural appropriation). If modern scholars are correct, the tomb of Rachel would instead be located not in Bethlehem but near Bethel, north of Jerusalem, which is also the location for Rachel’s tomb given in the book of Samuel I. The tombs of Qubur Bene Isra’in, specifically the largest tomb, known as “the tomb of the mother of the descendants of Israel” seems like an obvious candidate, basically “putting the nail in the tomb” for the case for the tomb being here in Bethlehem. But that won’t stop the religious zealots from worshipping here nor should it stop you from visiting. The site is still ancient and has been recorded by travelers since as far back as the 4th century, though it didn’t really gain its increased significance until the time of the Crusades, when suddenly every rock or hole in the ground became imbued with a heightened significance, a la King David’s toilet. The adjacent cemetery was built in the Mamluk period circa 15th century, a time when women would collect stones from the site, which was thought to have eased labor pains (bashing it against their skulls might have helped). The current structure around the tomb was built in Ottoman times, around early 17th century and given to the Jews before they took it back (Turkish givers!) for exclusive Muslim worship, before again re-gifting it back to the Jews. (probably because they didn’t want to pay for the expensive repairs required by that time). In 1841, wealthy British and Jewish patron Sir Moses Montefiore renovated the site and obtained the control over the site for Jewish use, though he also built an adjacent mihrab for Muslim prayer as a way to quell fears of a Jewish takeover and they all prayed together in harmony until Israel had to come along and be established. Actually, the tomb fell under control of Jordan, who restricted access to the tomb for Israeli Jews, who recaptured the tomb, along with the greater West Bank, in the 1967 Six Day War (“a tomb for a tomb”). In a rare show of reverse aggression the tomb was almost ceded to Palestinians by Yithak Rabin, but un-ceded by Yasser Arafat, after threats from Jewish zealots, apparently still not enough to quell the “righteous” zealot who assassinated Rabin in 1995. Bethlehem was ceded to Palestine, but the tomb remained under the control of Israel, who built a wall to keep the Muslims out (and “make them pay for it”). As should have been expected, the wall, and the tomb fell under constant attack through the second intifada by Palestinian rock-throwing children often killed in retaliation (Probably not the best idea to send your children to do battle for you, and probably not a good idea for them to bring rocks to a machine-gun fight, that is of course, unless they’re purposely trying to get their kids killed. What’s that? They’re trying to get their kids killed, because they hate Israel more than they value their own children’s lives, and since they believe their children will be ‘rewarded’ in heaven with 72 virgins (don’t get us started on the chauvinism of religion) that they won’t even know what to do with? (72 Build-a-Bears would be a better deal as far as children are concerned) Now the conflict should start to make sense. The UN and UNESCO of course sided with the Palestinians (both entities being made up of mostly Arab countries) saying that the site is holy to both Jews and Muslims, and should therefore be solely the property of Palestine (interesting logic). The tomb is currently under full Israeli control, allowing the Jews to worship their “tomb,” in “peace” (at the minor expense of inflaming an entire nation of people). That is religion for you.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.itraveljerusalem.com for opening times and more information.
The Walled-Off hotel & Banksy sites
On the other side of Rachel’s Tomb is the Israeli West Bank Barrier, or Separation Wall, that separates Israel from the West Bank (and unfortunately things aren’t exactly ‘separate but equal’). The barrier is supposed to run alongside the 1949 Jordanian Israeli Armistice Line, drawn up after the 1948 Arab-Israeli War (make art, not war) but the Israeli-built barrier cuts pretty deep (first cut is the deepest) into the West Bank, leaving 13.5% of Palestinians cut off from their country-men, and women, in the West Bank as well as some towns completely surrounded in between the Separation Wall and Armistice Line, or the Green Line, accessible only by tunnel; in other words, completely isolated (and not in a thriving, Wakanda-like way). Depending on who you ask, the wall can be described as a barrier against terrorists (Israel) or an apartheid wall (Palestine); logic dictates that the truth lies somewhere in between (but this is a not about logic). The wall was first proposed by Yitzhak Rabin in 1993 after the violent murder of a teenage girl in Jerusalem by a Palestinian terrorist (who probably should have picked on someone, or in this case murdered someone, his own size) and violent attacks in Gaza in 1994. Construction of the wall really picked up steam at the outset of the Second Intifada in 2000 (if you want your uprising to be a success, especially against a more powerful, more well-equipped country, maybe don’t declare an uprising out loud?) The uprising brought an increased number of suicide bombings, in public spaces of Israel, majority of them between 2000 and 2003, a span which saw 110 separate bombings and about 600 resulting deaths at places such as bus stops, cafes, restaurants, nightclubs and food markets (Nightclubs fine but don’t blow up the food markets! Have a little decency) Most of the attacks were carried out by Hamas, stationed in Gaza, and Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, stationed in West Bank (more in trying to one up each other than to kill Israelis specifically). The completion of a big segment of the wall brought the total number of bombings down from 110 (2001-2003) to 29 (2004-2006) so pretty sure Israel has a well-evidenced case for the wall’s existence. (not to mention that the express purpose of Hamas, now the government of Gaza, as written in their Constitution, if you can call it that, is simply to destroy Israel, with nary a mention about you know, actually governing a country). The wall was such a runaway success that a senior member of Islamic Jihad, Ramadan Shalah, lamented to a Qatari newspaper, that the wall made it too hard to “continue the resistance” (blow up Israelis). The issue, however, stems from the fact that not every Palestinian wants to blow up your precious food market (and everyone inside) but pretty much every Palestinian suffers for it. The wall was built on Palestinian land for the most part (like if a neighbor built a fence on your property but on a massive country wide scale, you’d want to poison their jello mold too). The Israeli government claims they did this for “topographical reasons,” which doesn’t really offer consolation for the hundreds of Palestinians shops and homes destroyed in the wall’s wake. Beyond loss of property there’s the economic loss from Palestinians losing some of their most fertile farmland (“topographical reasons”), especially with Palestinian economy mostly dependent on farming (There’s always money in terrorism! No literally, your child being a martyr is like the winning the lottery, just in terms of compensation. Gotta pay the bills somehow!) There’s also a health impact with Palestinian border towns now being cut off from the nearest hospitals in Israel. In one town specifically a ride to the closest hospital increased from 10 to 110 minutes (road trip!) Various organizations predict that hundreds of thousands of women and children will be denied suitable pregnancy care and immunization resulting in high rates of both mother and infant mortality (if only they had the privilege of denying immunization to their children like the first-world problem anti-vaxxers). Finally there’s the issue of water (which we can all agree is pretty crucial to survival); Palestinians are restricted to 72 liters of water per person per day. While water restrictions are par for course in dry-land countries, compare that to 300 liters of water per Israeli per day. Palestinians are also subjected to extended water-flow shutdown to the point that when the water turns back on, if in the middle of the workday, everyone is allowed to leave work to go home, and fill up their bathtubs and buckets with extra water (getting to leave work early is a nice consolation though) - it suffices to say that they won’t be using the water for an Ice Bucket Challenge anytime soon. It’s interesting to note that this whole conflict persists due to miscommunication. There’s nothing illegal about building a wall to delineate a country border - there are hundreds of examples of walls separating countries across the world. The issue is that the wall heavily encroaches on Palestinian land. But because most people are pretty stupid and gravitate to extremes, Palestinians scream “apartheid” while Israelis scream “terrorism” (the one who screams louder in the court of public opinion wins) Even more interesting to note is that most Israelis and Israel supporters believe that the U.N. is opposed to the wall, but in actuality the U.N. is officially not against a barrier but against the barrier deviating from the previously agreed line; basically if Israel just moved the wall over a few miles, it would show some good faith in peace process (whether the Palestinians roll with that concession toward peace or use those extra miles to launch better attacks on Israeli towns as they did in Gaza is up to them). While the average Israeli supports the wall, not out of hatred but rather, out of fear; (you would too if someone blew up your neighborhood Starbucks before as opposed to after you got your morning coffee) 20% of the Israeli population is actually opposed to the wall as an (literal and figurative) impediment to the peace process. Even the Israeli Supreme Court, which ruled in favor of the wall (of course they did) also ruled that the wall’s placement is illegal. Nevertheless, it still stands, and is the site of frequent protests, resulting in many casualties. In one instance, protesters dressed up as the Na’vi (the weird blue things from Avatar) to draw a parallel between their plight and the Palestinian plight (if only Palestinians had some of those flying lizard things, they could fly right over the wall). The wall’s also the site of the legendary and mysterious street artist Banksy’s 2007 exhibit “Santa’s Ghetto in Bethlehem,” which, to this day, features the iconic imagery of a peace dove in bulletproof vest, a little girl frisking a soldier, among others. There’s also the iconic “Man Throwing Flowers” a short drive away (Banksy sites in West Bank, or West Banksy more like it). Adjacent to the wall is the “we know we’re out-of-place but just go with it” Walled-Off Hotel. For the low price of 300 per night, you can stay on the front lines of a war zone. Each room is a unique work of art however and not so subtle commentary on the situation. Also, if you stay the night, you can buy a $500 limited edition “West-Banksy” memorabilia, that you could then flip online for thousands of dollars, but should probably hang on to it for both sentimental and monetary appreciation; besides, the hotel doesn’t profit off third-world misery - proceeds go to local organizations - and neither should you. If staying the night isn’t within your price or comfort range, you could still check out the stimulating border museum. Depending on how politely you ask and how much you pretend to love Banksy you may be able to see one of the rooms upstairs (if there’s no vacancy) and may still be able to score a Banksy souvenir from the gift shop. All in all, it’s a surreal experience, almost like a Bizarro Disneyland. Proponents of the area say it brings attention to the plight of the Palestinians while detractors say the wall shouldn’t be a symbol of beauty, considering the ugliness that it represents. The 2011 documentary 5 Broken Cameras is required watching after visiting.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.walledoffhotel.com for more information.
church of nativity
The grotto of this ancient basilica is believed to be the site where Jesus was born, as mentioned in Luke 2: “She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.” (tough to get a room during holiday season). In 135 Roman emperor Hadrian commissioned a temple to Adonis to be built above the cave, effectively sweeping the whole Jesus and Christianity ordeal under the rug. Modern scholars, however, believe that it was Adonis that was here first and Jesus was the one who did the sweeping. Regardless of who got here first, with the powerful Emperor Constantine in his corner Jesus won out in the end and the original basilica was commissioned in 325 CE. It only lasted for around 200 years until the 5th century when it was destroyed in the Samaritan Revolts (so much for being “good samaritans”), with a huge assist by the Jews (since we’re going to get blamed for your lord’s death and persecuted for it, might as well fuck some shit up on our way out). It was rebuilt by Byzantine emperor Justinian and though most of the Holy Land was captured in 614 by Persians, the church was spared because Persian commander Shahrbaraz was moved by the images above the door of the Three Magi wearing Persian garments (further evidence of Christian appropriation from previous cultures). The Justinian reconstruction, said to be a mostly accurate recreation of the original, is mostly preserved to this day, despite multiple earthquakes in the 1800s and petty conflicts surrounding it. The original star that marked the place where Jesus was born was stolen in 1847 (keep an eye out for it on Ebay) an event which is said to be the nail that broke the camel’s back, the camel’s back being Russian and Ottoman Empire relations. After the star was stolen, Napoleon III pressured the Ottomans to recognize France’s sovereignty over Christian sites in the Holy Land, an agreement disputed by Russia, who sent armed forces to force the Ottomans to back down from their agreement with France, a tactic employed by Russians as recently as 2014, in Crimea ironically. (Apparently they’ll never get over Crimea but it’s time to move on Russia - she left you! She has a new life now. Please stop texting her.) In another incident, more recently in 2002 during the Second Intifada, 50 armed Palestinian militants held over 200 monks hostage and used them as human shields for 39 days (how Hollywood hasn’t capitalized on this event with a “based on a true story” film inexplicably starring Denzel Washington is beyond understanding). Since then, the church has mostly been left to be destroyed on its own terms, having been listed as an Endandered Site; sadly, there are no other basilicas in Bethlehem with which to repopulate the species, so its continuity rests with the cooperation of Israel and Palestine (it had a nice run). For what it’s worth the Palestinian Authority has contributed millions to renovations even though it’s not a Muslim site (yet) because Christian tourism is integral to the Palestinian economy. The basilica is co-managed by three sects of Christians: Greek Orthodox, Armenian Apostolic and Roman Catholic, coexisting mostly in peace except for minor squabbles over boundaries and cleaning duties (typical college roommate stuff). You’ll enter the church through “the door of humility,” small enough to reduce a basketball player-sized ego to the size of a dwarf (and no fatties allowed either); in the nave you can see a fragment of the original mosaic floor from the original Constantinian era basilica. You’ll have to wait an inordinate amount of time to see the main event, the Grotto of the Nativity under the main altar. Once inside, on the east side, you can see the 14-point replacement star that marks the place where Jesus was born (or perhaps where the idea of Jesus was born? gets crucified, starts new religion); the 14 points represent the 14 generations that passed between Abraham and Jesus. You can touch the stone in the middle of the star for added “feels” as it is said that this is the rock that Mary laid upon giving birth to Jesus (bring Purell). Across the nativity is the Grotto of the Manger where the "creepy in retrospect” magi came to “worship” baby Jesus.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.bethlehem-city.org for opening times and more information.
milk grotto church
Also known as the Chapel of Our Lady, this church was built in 1872 on the site of a former Byzantine church from the 5th century which itself was built on the site of a cave in which the Holy Family (not the Kardashians) - Jesus, Mary, and Joseph - took refuge during the Massacre of the Innocents (a ‘righteous’ death metal band name up for grabs). As told in Mathew 2, King Herod called for the execution of all male children in Bethlehem two years and under (they grow up so fast these days), with the rumored birth of the savior Jesus Christ, which he would’ve viewed as a threat to his crown, instead of just, you know, finding out who Jesus was. On a positive note, it’s unlikely that this ever happened, since it’s not mentioned elsewhere in the New Testament, and it’s basically the same thing that happened to Moses, with the pharaoh ordering the execution of all Jewish male children (props to Jesus folks for at least not sending their child downstream in a basket which seems like reckless endangerment regardless of circumstances). Further similarities between the stories involved the parents being warned in dreams in advance, (and not brushing off the dream as just another alcohol-induced nightmare) and both the boys, Moses and Jesus, make triumphant returns albeit after their would be captors were dead (so much for the praiseworthiness of facing your problems head on). It thus appears that the tale was likely thrown in to give Jesus greater adversity (like he didn’t have enough personal problems going on, savior complex and all), making his eventual acceptance even more resonant (making the edited New Testament perfectly tailored for Hollywood adaptation). If it did happen however it wouldn’t have been out of character for King Herod, who had no qualms ordering the execution of his three sons (Herod’s version of a timeout). It would’ve only been about a dozen infants living in Bethlehem at the time anyway which isn’t so tragic (considering 2.5 millions infants currently die yearly and the only thing that stirs your emotion is the death of fictional TV characters). The cave is said to have miraculously turned white from just a drop of Mary’s breast milk (might be asbestos though). It is commonly visited by infertile couples hoping to conceive (not quite what was meant by “seeking a second opinion”). Adjacent to the chapel is the monastery of the Sisters of Perpetual Adoration (can’t stop no they won’t stop) of the Blessed Sacrament. The sisters are perpetually praying for peace in the Mid-East since 2016 (gonna be awhile) - see the Queen of Peace tabernacle, inside.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: bethlehem or JERUSALEM
DAY 2: (Hebron)
solomon’s pools
Southwest of Bethlehem, en route to Hebron, lie the remains of three ancient reservoirs often attributed to Solomon, unfortunately not used for Solomon’s epic spring break pool parties but for drinking water storage (you wouldn’t want to drink any spring break related fluids). It probably wasn’t even used in the time of Solomon but is linked to Solomon because of the verse in Ecclesiastes “I made myself pools from which to water the forest of growing trees (and maybe throw some legendary pool parties).” The Roman Jewish historian Josephus wrote that Solomon enjoyed the natural beauty of the ancient town Etham, which is located near these pools, thus connecting these pools to Solomon. Legend holds that he built these pools for his many wives to bathe in (you thought we were joking about those pool parties). The pools were most likely filled in the time of Herod or shortly after in the void left by a previous rock quarry, in order to meet the increasing demand for water, brought by the increased number of pilgrims (the original tourists) to the Second Temple. Because the nearby springs and the pools in which they were collected are higher than the Temple Mount, the water easily flowed to Jerusalem by way of gravity. The complex was later expanded by Roman general Pontius Pilate (who also did his best to ensure the water would not be turned to wine). Unfortunately, he financed his public utilities campaign by dipping into Temple funds (politicians always violating campaign finance norms), resulting in the people destroying this expansion (doesn’t bring the funds back but a good rebellion always quells the masses). The final lower pool was added during Mamluk time with the Ottoman built Qal at-Burak, or Castle of the Pools, added in 1618. It served as barracks for soldiers, guarding the pool, and for pilgrims en route to Jerusalem or Mecca (I pilgrim in Mecca, where do you pilgrim?) and was recently renovated to be a tourist center and museum. The pools carried water to Jerusalem as recent as 1967 and still carry water (or lack thereof) into Bethlehem.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.bethlehem-city.org for more information.
cave of the patriarchs
Another site in which something holy is said to have happened, but probably didn’t happen, another hotly contested site between religions resulting in completely unnecessary but par for the course bloodshed. The undoubted, perhaps only highlight of Hebron is the Cave of Machpelah, or "double tomb,” referring either to the layout of the tomb, or the duality in the pairs of patriarchs and matriarchs buried inside it, featuring Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca and Jacob and Leah (whose side piece Rachel had her own thing going on in Bethlehem). The Muslims keep things simple by just calling it the Sanctuary of Abraham, since the cave was purchased by Abraham as a burial plot for him and his next of kin, according to Islamic oral tradition and the Bible of course. In the Book of Genesis, Sarah dies at the over-ripe and probably spoiled age of 127 while Abraham was away for work (no social security benefits yet). Abraham tried to purchase the cave as a burial plot for Sarah from Ephron the Hittite at whatever cost was necessary (weak haggling skills) but Ephran said he was free to just use it as he pleased. Abraham knew that Ephran would have probably charged him tax or entry fee just to visit his wife’s grave (plus he wouldn’t have been able to resist the gift shop), so Abe insisted on buying the cave, in what was the first recorded burial and commercial transaction in history, if you take the bible word for word (non virgins need to be stoned to death - boo - if your brother dies you get to have sex with his wife - yay! kills brother). Abe was the second to be buried here at the age of 157 (he was so old he had to be identified by his dental records - drumroll) by his sons Isaac and Ishmael. Next came Isaac, buried by his sons Jacob and Esau, at the age of 180 (180 was like the new 170) with Jacob following soon after, at the age of 147 (he died young for that time - probably drug related). The wives of Isaac and Jacob were also believed to have been buried here though their deaths (besides Rachel) weren’t recorded in the scripture (women don’t count). Despite the uncertainty, Jews have been coming here to pay their respects since as far back as 1000 BCE. A structure was built over it in Herodian times (good times) making this the only fully intact structure remaining from the era. The roof was added later in Byzantine times (you got four walls, might as well), a time when the Christians started to join the Jews in pilgrimage. Even when it came under Arab control in 637, all three religions prayed side by side without issue (so much for the correlation between the passage of time and progress). When the Christians captured the area during the Crusades in 1100 they banned both Muslims and Jews from worshipping here, even though it has nothing to do with their religion (we’re gonna pray here and we’re gonna like it too, Jesus’s teaching be damned). It was during Christian rule, under the reign of Baldwin II (yet another Baldwin brother) that a monk named Arnoul discovered the original cave after noticing a strange draft of wind. He uncovered a room filled with Herodian armor (most people would’ve been like ‘sweet’ and taken the armor and left) then found a narrow passageway leading to a room with a large stone on the floor. He removed the stone (fortunately not getting impaled to death by booby-trapped spikes or dying of a curse he released from the ground), discovering a cavern filled with bones. He washed them with wine (a waste of a perfectly good chianti) then stacked the bones on top one another (for future games of Jenga) and carved the names of the patriarchs on the wall, believing the bones he found had belonged to them. Another story told by the Persian traveler Ali of Herat (who would’ve had an awesome travel-related Instagram feed) details the finding of the cave after a partial floor collapse, in which the bodies of the patriarchs were found intact, propped up against the wall (“Don’t mind us, we’re just chilling!”). Baldwin gave them new clothes (sweet kicks!), and sealed up the cave for future preservation. It’s uncertain how they were found, but it didn’t matter to the people who were denied access. In 1170, the Jewish pilgrim Benjamin of Tudela wrote about having to bribe the Muslim gatekeeper to give him access after Saladin captured the area, and allowed the worship of Christians but not Jews (you know, the only group with an actual connection to the place). Jews were only allowed to go as far as the fifth or sometimes the seventh step (depending on the varying strength of relations) down into the cave, which became the source of a grudge held by Jews for centuries (until enacting sweet revenge almost a thousand years later - the best pranks take time). The cave stayed relatively free from drama otherwise, having been restored to its former glory during the Ottoman period. The British allowed Jews to visit but under Jordanian control post-establishment of Israel in 1948, the Jews were once again restricted access until they said “fuck it” and just captured a bunch of territory in the 1967 Six Day War. For the first time in over 2000 years, the Jews had unrestricted access to finally visit the grave of their grandparents (after all that pestering from their parents). Major General Shlomo Goren was the first Jew to even go inside the structure in over 700 years. The first Jew to go inside the actual cave was Michal Arbel, the 13 year old daughter of the chief of Sin Bet (Israeli Security Operations) since she was the only one small enough to fit through the crawl space (like a junior spy novel but without the high-speed fan blocking her path to the target). With control of the caves secured, the Jews finally got revenge by destroying the fifth and seventh stairs of the entrance (at the ‘grave’ risk of tripping) but they were at least considerate enough to allow Muslims to continue to worship there, dividing the space into a synagogue and a mosque (what could go wrong). If they had absorbed anything from history class they should’ve known that their Muslim and Christian brethren don’t exactly like sharing any religious spaces (Jesus: “You had one job. Be kind to your neighbor.” And Muhammad: “You had one job. Be kind to your neighbor, unless he refuses to convert, then cut off his fucking head.”) The Palestinians, apparently unappreciative of their right to an equal prayer space at the cave, began peacefully protesting Jewish services (by peaceful protest we mean violent explosions, including one in 1980 which left six Israelis dead) and some casual scroll burning. The Israelis, of course not to be outdone, struck back, with Baruch Goldstein’s Cave of the Patriarchs Massacre (you know it’s a big one when it has its own name) resulting in 29 Palestinians dead and another 35 from aftershock riots. The 1996 Wye River accords prohibited access to the site from both Jews and Muslims (akin to taking a toy away from the children fighting over it - they should probably just take the whole land away from the both of them so they can think about what they’ve done). The Jordanian waqf now controls 81% of the building and has strict prohibitions for accessing both the Israeli and the Palestinian sides; the Jews are not allowed to visit the graves of Isaac and Rebecca (it’s fine, they’re the middle children of the forefathers anyway and thus the least important) except for ten days a year on special holidays in which the scripture’s read concerning the historical events tied to the cave (ie Abraham’s purchase, Sarah’s burial, Jacob’s drug overdose, etc.) The Palestinians have greater access, that is if they can even reach the site - all the roads around the building and the road into Hebron itself are tightly controlled by Israel. On the plus side, with all the security, there haven’t been any massacres, just petty noise complaints (Muslim calls to prayer, weird-sounding Jewish music, the soul of God crying out for his children to get along, etc.) If you you want to see both sides of the cave, your best bet is pretending to be a Christian (or actually being Christian, though let’s be real, nobody is Christian anymore). Just say that you’re a Christian from America at the border crossing. (and that you love football and steak and God - the holy trinity - they’ll buy it.) Once inside, the caves themselves are not accessible, due to preservation efforts, though you can see the entrances on each side. Beyond scripture Jewish lore holds that Adam and Eve were also buried here (come right in! there’s plenty of room) though unlike the patriarchs, Adam and Eve almost certainly never lived in any bastardized form of the truth (plus this contradicts the lore of The Church of Holy Sepulcher where Adam’s skull is believed to be buried). Jewish lore also claims that Esau tried to prevent Jacob from being buried here (as payback for stealing his birth right from Abraham). While Jacob’s son Naphtali was in Egypt, securing the deed of ownership for the cave, Jacob’s grandson, Hushim, took matters into his own hand, clubbing Esau to death; it is said that his head fell off and rolled into the cave where it was buried, meaning that both brothers were technically buried together - as happy an ending you could ask for in the bible. Jewish lore also says (Jewish lore doesn’t stop talking - worst dinner guest) that this is one of three places that the enemies of the Jews can never claim was stolen since they purchased it fair and square (but what does that say about all those other Jewish places) though that clearly hasn’t stopped Palestinians from claiming it was stolen. It is believed to be the gateway to the garden of Eden (aka Jewish Narnia). Not to be outdone, the Muslims have plenty of their own lore surrounding the place, being where Muhammed stopped on his “night journey,” or magical teleportation from Mecca all the way into Jerusalem, before his ascension to heaven (beam me up goddy!) Muhammed further said, “he who cannot visit me, let him visit the tomb of Abraham.” (considering the difficulty of visiting him in heaven, you can bet that the caves will be packed). Islamic lore also says Joseph is also buried here, a claim doubled down by Jewish lore (hold my beer) that says all twelve sons of Jacob are buried here (starting to get a bit stuffy in here actually). Lore on both sides should be taken with grains of salt however (it’s like fan fiction but for religion). Nevertheless, the cave is considered the second holiest site for Jews and fourth holiest site for Muslims, so while it’s generally calm, you can bet on things getting testy.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
herodion national park
Also known in Hebrew as Herodion, in Arabic as Jalal al-Fureidis, meaning “mountain of little paradise” (a nice way of cutting your rooftop-mansion ego down to size, or a snide jealousy-induced property appraisal) and referred to by Crusaders as the Mountain of the Franks (the lamest name of all - that’s why the Crusaders aren’t around anymore), this park centers on the ruins of a Herod built palace and its surrounding village at the top of a 2,500 foot-tall peak, the tallest in the Judean desert. Following the Parthians conquest of Syria, Herod took refuge at his other rooftop-mansion fortress Masada and successfully fought off the Parthians. As a reward for himself, he built this nice little pied-e-terre (you know, for the weekends) around 20 BC, even naming it after himself. He most likely came here often, considering the high quality of mosaics ornamenting what would have been his palace (Herod’s here, bring out the fine china! False alarm, plastic plates are fine.) It fell out of use after his death, and was conquered by the Romans in 71 CE. It later served as one of two major sites, along with Masada, involved in famous Jewish rebel, and false messiah, Simon bar Kochba’s failed revolt against Roman Emperor Hadrian in 134 CE (Masada didn’t fare too much better, to say the least). It was lost to time until its rediscovery by archaeologists in the 1960’s who brushed the dirt off the mountain's shoulders, restoring the palace, bathhouse and theater to a hint of its former glory. The park is now most known for the tomb of Herod, found only just recently in 2007; the archaeologist who found it died from falls sustained while working on it (so you know it’s real - the ghost of Herod didn’t want to be disturbed, clearly). Next to the tomb, a ring was discovered with the inscription “Pilate.” It’s unclear if this ring belonged to Pontius Pilate himself, or if Herod was just a really big fan and collector (Hey Pontius, huge fan! That time you sentenced Jesus to death by crucifixion? Totally epic. Hey, is it cool if I get a selfie with you?) There’s also the ruins of a post-Herod synagogue, the earliest known synagogue in all of the Levant, or Western Asia. Like everything else in the Holy Land, the park is subject to claims of ownership between two religions (let’s not use names) who both feel they have a claim to the site. Palestinians have protested the removal of artifacts from the site, brought to Israeli museums for study and preservation, due to the ruin technically being on Palestinian land. For what it’s worth, Israel promises to return them when the exhibition ends. (Exhibition listed as permanent, lolz!)
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.allaboutjerusalem.com for opening times and more information
Mar Saba monastery
Also known as the Holy Lavra of Saint Sabbas (which sounds like the name of a grungy underground night club in Yugoslavia), this monastery houses 20 “sabaites,” or monks of the order founded in 493 CE by Sabbas the Sanctified. He took to a monastic way of life from a young age after his parents left him to live with his (probably creepy) uncle (explaining his need for solitude). When his parents returned, they tried to coax him out of his stupor with the promise of marriage, but it was too late (He wanted instead to live in a cave surrounded by men - what if monasteries are just gay refuges? No straight man turns down a woman.) He came to be known as a “child elder” for his rapid spiritual maturity (made up for his delayed puberty); he spent his whole life championing the monastic way of life before permanently setting up shop here in this monastery overlooking the Kidron Valley, equidistant from Jerusalem and the Dead Sea (for ease of travel, for business and pleasure, respectively). Today, it’s one of the oldest monasteries in the world and still holds fast to many of its original traditions including the restriction of women inside the complex (if they are straight, women and pent-up horniness don’t mix). Women are however allowed to see the Women’s Tower but where’s the fun in maintaining tradition gender roles (it’s not a purse, it’s a man-bag). Regardless, the best part about being here is undoubtedly the view of the valley, which, being outside, has no gender-centric restrictions. If you are a man though and would like to take advantage of that privilege, you can enter the complex and see some extremely well preserved frescoes, and possibly catch a glimpse of the relics of Saint Sabbas, originally stolen by Latin Crusaders in the 12th century, finally returned by Pope Paul in 1965, working his way down the list of atrocities committed by the church that need to be rectified before found out.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.enjoybethlehem.com for more information (closed every Wednesday and Friday).
STAY THE NIGHT IN: BETHLEHEM or JERUSALEM
DAY 3: (Jericho)
wadi kelt (EIN PRAT NATURE RESERVE)
Stretching all the way from Jerusalem to the Jordan River, Wadi or River Kelt has been identified as the biblical region of Perath, where God made Jeremiah hike out of his way just to go hide a belt and go back home (that’s it? yup!) only to have him go back years later (I thought you said that was it) to go dig up the belt, see it ruined, just to prove a point that God will ruin the people of Judah for their excessive pride (you could’ve just told me - that was an expensive belt). You won’t see any sign of this story in the valley, but you will find the remains of the Hasmonean-era (2nd century BCE) aqueducts that transported water to Jericho (sans water restriction), the winter palace of the Hasmonean kings and Herod the Great (great apres-ski) in the lower part of the valley, also containing one of the world’s oldest synagogues, as well as the Pharan Lavra, the first monastery in the Judean desert, from the 3rd century, in the upper part of the valley. You’ll see all these things and more (waterfalls!) on a moderate difficulty 6 m. walk starting from Ein Prat Nature Reserve. It’s a popular route among both Israelis and Palestinian hikers (which makes for interesting if not loaded and contentious passing “hellos” with fellow hikers). But if they can hike in peace, maybe they could live in peace too.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hike-israel.com for more information.
Mar Jaris (St. George monastery)
Further east along Wadi Kelt you’ll find the cliff hanging monastery of St. George, built into the solid rock of the valley in 500 AD and still going strong today (with just a few massacres along the way), currently housing a half a dozen Greek Orthodox monks. Besides the story of Jeremiah, this part of the valley is also associated with Psalm 23, believed to be the (over-quoted) “valley of the shadow of death” (the Maroon 5’s “This Love” of bible verses). It was originally a humble lavra, a collection of cave-dwellings, started by monks in 420 CE who were seeking out the “desert prophet experience” (Burning Man?). They settled on a place near the cave that they believe was associated with Elijah, who was said to have been fed here by ravens (beggars can’t be choosers but not sure how to feel about eating chewed-up worms). The valley also runs parallel to the Roman road to Jericho, where that famous story about the Good Samaritan happened - he was the only one among three people, a priest and a Jew (a priest, Jew and Samaritan walk into a valley…) to help a bloody, homeless-looking person who had been robbed and beaten, sheltering and feeding him back to health. (moral of the story: adopt a homeless person - you might be murdered depending on the luck of the draw, but at least you’ll get first-class seats to heaven.) The lavra was organized into a monastery in 500, around the time of the building of this structure by St. John of Thebes, and later reached the height of its importance under St. George of Choziba, after whom the monastery was renamed, in the early 600’s AD. The peak was short lived, as the monastery was destroyed and the 14 monks living inside were massacred by Persians - their bones and skulls are preserved in a chapel just outside the monastery. It was rebuilt much later by Crusaders, quickly abandoned after their defeat and wasn’t reestablished again until 1878, once again at the turn of the 20th century. The most famous monk (as famous as monks can be) to have lived here in modern times was St John the Romanian, who settled here in 1952 and lived here for a year, before spending the last seven years of his existence in a nearby cave to deal with illness. He was declared a saint in 1992 (not sure what qualifications are, but getting sick on the job and never returning to work never landed anyone else a raise) and his body is now on display, outside the monastery’s main chapel, along with that of St John and St. George, the holy trinity of Mar Jaris. (if you look off into the distance, you can almost see their “force-ghost” spirits watching you, in silent approval of your visit). Besides the many bodies that litter the grounds, there’s also a series of impressive mosaics in the various chapels, some dating back to the 6th century, as well as a staircase, leading unto the cave-church of Elijah, with a second set of stairs inside it, providing an escape route to the top of the mountain (in the event that the resident ravens try to force-feed you their chewed-up worms) To access the monastery complex, it’s a short half a mile walk from the parking lot. Take note of temperature of the way back up will be a struggle (possibly a heat stroke). If you can’t handle the “lite desert prophet experience,” there are several decent samaritans who will donkey you up and down (for a fee of course).
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
deir al krntl (mount of temptation)
Don’t worry, you won’t have to face any temptation here (unless you’re tempted to become a monk) because Jesus already died for your temptations - it was here that Jesus s alleged to have faced the devil’s temptation. (Jesus: “can you please just leave me alone Satan, I don’t mind getting tempted once in a while, but this constant temptation has to stop - you’re being such an asshole right now.”) A lavra was originally established here by Charleton the Confessor, who received his nickname for pleading guilty for practicing Christianity, wishing instead to have not plead guilty (you do you) and died a martyr (nobody likes a snitch). Following his release from prison, he was promptly kidnapped by a group of bandits who took him to a cave in the Pharan Valley, but then they died while drinking wine that was poisoned by an uncharacteristically passive-aggressive snake. Instead of returning home, Charleton started a cave in the monastery (the Pharan Lavra of Wadi Kelt). Apparently, Charleton attracted many followers and couldn’t handle his newfound popularity (popularity being about a dozen people, in the pre Insta-fame era) so he moved toward this mountain, building a second lavra on the foundation of the Hasmonean fortress mentioned in the Book of Maccabees. Once again, he became too popular, with monks following him to this second lavra (back then, having “followers” literally meant being followed by people at all times, a sobering thought for the modern-day Insta-famous). So he up and left again, building the third and final lavra not far from here in the Tekoa Valley. Of course, he continued attracting followers (like Jesus attracting the devil), and instead of building a fourth lavra, he simply spent the rest of his life living inside of a cave, near Tekoa (recently identified as Hariton Cave (a short drive from Herodion National Park). His followers eventually got the memo, so he got to live the rest of his life in solitude (probably “kinda starting to miss those followers now” - you only appreciate people when they’re gone). The hill is easily accessible, with the 1998 construction of a cable car, accommodating the increased followers at the turn of the millennium.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for opening times and more information.
jericho
The oldest active city in the entire world is the Palestinian city of Jericho, which either translates to “fragrant,” possibly referring to the various fruits grown on the fertile soil (or sarcastically referring to camel excrement) or a reference to the lunar deity, to which early inhabitants would pray (pray to take the smell of dung away). Referred to in the Bible as the “city of palm trees,” Jericho has always been extremely fertile ground due to its plethora of springs, with evidence of civilization cropping up here as early as 9,000 BCE, an incredible 11,000 years ago, a time predating the invention of agriculture. The Holocene epoch (totally epoch!) as that time was called, was known for its cold climate, making agriculture impossible, so people were always on the go in search of food (they would’ve really benefited from some Go-Gurt - it’s yogurt but on the go!). Archaeologists have found early campsites with crescent shaped tools, probably honoring Yarikh, the lunar deity (in all fairness, the moon does have a scary looking face on it). The people must have started praying to the sun god instead because that’s the only scientific explanation for the climate heating up with the arrival of the Neolithic period, which allowed the migrant-residents of Jericho to “get comfortable… stay awhile,” (and just like your deadbeat brother) eventually move in permanently. The culture thus transitioned to one based on agriculture and a sedentary life (the good life). They still hunted game but didn’t have to rely on the men to feed them (men are so unreliable) after the cultivation of domestic cereals (Captain Crunch FTW). This era also saw the construction of a 12 foot high stone wall, to keep the floodwaters out of Jericho (and make the flood pay for it!), as well as a 28 foot high stone tower, used for ceremonial purposes (if trying to get closer to the moon god they fell way short of their goal). The construction of the tower also suggested the social organization that is required to get things done (you know the organization of a union wasn’t that far behind). There is also evidence of early homes that were circular in shape and made of mud-bricks (probably some dung in there too). It’s unclear why or when this early Jericho society was destroyed or abandoned (definitely abducted by aliens), but a second civilization was built on its ruins a few centuries later, possibly that of an invading culture. The new inhabitants were known for their cult-like practice of burying the dead beneath the floors of their homes (I swear there’s a monster under my bed) except for their skulls, which they would decorate to match the appearance of the dead then use them as totems (there’s the monster! over there! son, that’s not a monster. that’s your grandma). The village became more complex in the Middle Bronze Age (1500’s BC) with multiple towers (still not any closer to the moon god) and elaborate tombs, suggesting the existence of local kings (or inflated egos), possibly those of the Mittani, a growing power just north of Canaan, or ancient Israel, whose aristocrats are known to have used chariots (definitely the elaborate tomb-type). A later Iron Age settlement was known to have been destroyed by the invading Babylonians in the late 6th century before the region was conquered by Alexander the Great (aka Alexander “the pretty good but has some improvements to make” if you don’t mind some constructive criticism, gets executed) around 320 BC which he used as his own private estate. The walls were strengthened under the Seleucid Empire to prevent Maccabees from attacking (and taking their jobs) but that didn’t work. After the Maccabee victory, Jericho was taken over by the Hasmonean kings, the descendents of the Jewish tribe of Levi, and made into an elaborate garden, perfect for a nice stroll (no plebes allowed) until Herod the Great (also “the pretty good but…” gets executed) came to power, with the support of Rome. He originally had to lease Jericho (and was always late on lease payments) from Cleopatra, who was gifted Jericho by Marc Antony (But I wanted Jerusalem/But Jericho is just as nice/Don’t talk to me again!) After they committed suicide, Emperor Octavian gave Jericho back to Herod, who built a new theater and aqueducts, his contributions unfortunately marred by the dramatic murder of Aristobulus III in a Jericho swimming pool (probably overly dramatic with a name like Aristobulus). Jericho was really put on the map (figuratively speaking) with Jesus just passing through, healing a couple of blind beggars (just a casual miracle, no big deal) and inspiring a tax collector to repent for robbing citizens blind (the first and last such instance). Jericho then declined soon after with the fall of Jerusalem to the Roman Empire in 70 CE. The rise of Christianity brought with it construction of new churches and monasteries, such as St. George’s (see above). There’s even evidence of a synagogue existing in around the 7th century known as Shalom al Yisrael or “peace upon Israel,“ based on the inscription found in the ruins. (“peace upon Israel” temple falling to ruins is as good symbolism for Israeli state of affairs as any). Under early Muslim rule in about the 7th century, Jews and Christians were exiled to live here from Khyber, another fertile desert region (same dung, different city) but these inhabitants were forced to move to Dead Sea shantytowns after an earthquake destroyed Jericho (must be nice to be ‘forced’ to live at the beach). The next great renovation of Jericho took place under the Ummayad dynasty, namely Hisham’s Palace, originally attributed to its 10th caliph’s namesake but is now thought to be the work of Caliph Walid ibn Yazid (but that doesn’t exactly have the greatest ring to it). The Abbasid and Fatimid dynasties were instrumental in expanding Jericho’s irrigation system and the growing city came to be known region wide for the quality of its water, dates and bananas (you know the overpriced smoothie chain wasn’t far behind). The invading Crusaders rebuilt a crumbling St. George’s Monastery and introduced sugarcane (and diabetes) to the region before they were evicted by Saladin of the Ayyubid Dynasty. Jericho was incorporated into the Ottoman Empire in 1517, a time when they began producing indigo to great success, and there were over fifty growing households but things would soon sour (and we’re not talking about the fruit). A hundred years later, a French traveler recorded that Jericho was desolate, but the ground was still fertile (further proof that the earth will outlive us). In 1822, Cornish journalist J.S. Buckingham wrote that Jericho’s main means of income were from robbery and plunder (or maybe he just got robbed and generalized). Going from bad to worse, an 1870 census showed that all 105 residents of Jericho were (probably very horny) men (the original He-Man Woman Haters Club). Jericho would pass to Jordanian control after the 1948 Arab-Israeli War, then was fully annexed into Jordan in the 1950’s. Following the 1967 Six Day War, Jericho was occupied by Israel until it was handed over to the Palestinian Authority as a concession towards peace under the Oslo Accords. While Jericho itself is part of Area C (full Palestinian control) the roads around it are part of Area A (full Israeli control), so hope the residents of Jericho like bananas because they’re not leaving Jericho anytime soon (ironically imprisoned by the ancient defensive walls). Jericho was briefly occupied again by Israeli troops at the outset of the Second Intifada in 2001 and raided again in 2006 as part of operation “Bring Home the Goods” referring not to the massive cachet of dates and bananas but to the six men who were harbored here after assassinating the Israeli Tourist Minister (who probably had nothing to do with the peace policy and just wanted an easy job with a good vacation policy). Since then it’s been relatively quiet and is considered very safe though you’ll need to arrive by Palestinian transportation and pass a checkpoint going in and out (obviously stricter going out). Once you get in you’ll definitely want to see Tel Jericho, aka Tell es-Sultan, the remains of the original settlement, close to its original spring, Ein es-Sultan (the water is no longer known for its good quality but the coffee shop next door is a decent fix). The Jericho Synagogue or the 7th century "Shalom al Yisrael” lies in ruins north of center (but don’t stay long, lest they suspect you on spying for Israel - “I’m just a tourist!” You can tell that to your dead tourist minister, gets executed). Just north of that lies Hisham’s Palace, definitely the best preserved ruin of the bunch. Now that you’re in Jericho, why not grab a smoothie and stay awhile (and possibly indefinitely).
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.seetheholyland.net for more information.