DAY 1: What Goes Up Must Come Down (Thingvellir)
Thingvellir national park
Literally meaning "assembly field," this national park once served as the site of Iceland's national parliament from 930, the year of the founding of Iceland, until 1798 (“it’s nice out, could we have parliament outside?”). Iceland was first settled in 874 by Norwegian chieftain Ingolfr Arnason, followed by other Norse and Celtic chiefs, who collectively lobbied for the establishment of an assembly to counter the growing power of Ingolfr and his descendents (plus he spent all of his time playing ‘in-golf-r’ using taxpayer krona). While searching for a suitable place to assemble, the chieftain of the Thingvellir region was found guilty of murder and so his land was made available for the public’s use (although what’s the point of being a chieftain if you can’t freely murder people when you feel like it). The area was perfect for assembly, being equidistant to most of the clans coming from the south and north, except for the poor eastfjord folk, who had to travel 17 days to get here (“we made it!” “damn it! they didn’t the hint.”) During assembly, chiefs from various regions of Iceland would come here to eat, drink and be merry (“we’ll govern tomorrow”). It was here that grievances were aired (“he stole my sheep”) and laws were passed (“don’t steal his sheep”) and important announcements were made (“stop stealing his goddamn sheep!”). It was also a place for common Icelanders to assemble (Icelanders Assemble) to conduct business, connect with other clans and straight up have a good time (like an Icelandic “Burning Man” but with less drugs). But all good times must come to an end, as they did in 1798 under the King of Denmark, whose government met indoors, and was decidedly less fun.
Visit www.thingvellir.is for more information.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THINGVELLIR NATIONAL PARK:
thorufoss
Not as notable as other falls in Iceland, Thorufoss would still be a top 10 waterfall in any other country, and remains renowned in Iceland for the “so juicy sweet” Atlantic salmon swimming inside (BYO portable smoker, bagels and cream cheese). The waterfall also features in ill-fated Game of Thrones as the fictional home of the Children of the Forest, a ‘squirrel like’ people that lived in Westeros before the arrival of men and may be living here in reality as well. (Again, BYO portable smoker and bagel etc)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.guidetoiceland.is for more info.
Visitor Center
If you want to learn about the geological and historical significance of the park from a series of plaques and posters rather than experience the raw nature firsthand (said no one ever) there’s an interactive exhibit for socio-paths like you to learn to your heart’s content though if you happen to be visiting in the winter, history and geology have never been this appealing. If there’s a single reason to come here, it’s the incredible view of the park.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
BONUS: LOGBERG
Atop the “Law Rock” was where speeches (and filibusters) were given to the assembly field below. The “law speaker” was elected for a three year term (somehow more enlightened than most modern day governments) and would recite all the laws (“don’t steal sheep,” “don’t steal horses” etc) from memory over the course of their three year term until someone got the bright idea to write it down (wow so much easier). It’s unclear if this is the site of the actual historical Logberg or maybe Logberg is just an idea, an elevated state of mind. It definitely wasn’t that, but it’s nice to think so.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
BONUS: DREKKINGARHYLUR
Officially described as a deep pool used to drown women (casual women drowning, nbd) the pool gained notoriety as an execution ground with the growing Germanic influence, via Denmark rule, over Iceland (those Germs ain’t fucking around). Executions increased with passage of Storidomur or “the Grand Judgment,” laws made to reduce immorality. (i.e. basic human nature) Men were flogged, hanged or burned while women were drowned for “heinous” crimes such as having children out of wedlock, incest or sex-related crimes (whatever that means, sounds hot though). The first victim (or suspect back then) claimed virginity though she was clearly pregnant (not the best defense), then blamed it in on her brother in law though the jury didn’t find evidence of him “bewitching” her (“it’s science”) acquitting the brother in law and killing her. What follows was a series of executions on women in what can only be known as the Thingvellir Sexy Witch Trials.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
oxarafoss
One of the most prominent waterfalls in Thingvellir, Oxarafoss is believed by some to be the only waterfall in the park, some being the tourists who only go where the bus tells them to go (on a tour, and in life, so to speak). The fall was also featured on the cover of the Nine Inch Nails album “The Fragile,” an apt description for the above mentioned tour-bus “sheepies,” which is more insulting to Icelandic sheep that roam free across the land.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
BONUS: Parliament Site and Church
If you stopped by the Visitor Center earlier you’re definitely a psychopath, but at least you got a good view of the assembly fields and an old church trying its best to blend into its surroundings. Now you can get an up-close look at this 19th century church, where various churches have stood, since the establishment of Christianity as official sponsor (religion) of Iceland in 1000 AD. While various churches have come and gone over the years, just nature remains (though it’s funny to watch religion pretend to be natural).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Bonus: Silfra fissure
Perhaps you've already walked between two continents in Iceland Part 1. If you missed out, or you're constantly trying to one-up yourself, you can now swim in a rift between the North American and Eurasian continental plates. Since the water is so fresh, originating from the nearby Langjokull glacier, you can see perfectly, 50 feet to the bottom, and 250 feet ahead, unless you're nearsighted and you forgot your glasses. If you're certified, diving offers a more "immersive" experience, but even snorkeling affords you the sweet opportunity to find yourself in a state of… continental drift.
Average duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.divesilfra.is for tickets, more info.
kerid crater
One of several crater lakes in the area known as the Western Volcanic Zone (yes, there’s an eastern and a northern one too, the whole country is basically going to blow) Kerid is the most clearly distinguishable as a crater lake among its counterparts (‘Kerid Kerid Kerid,“ it’s pimple-faced sister Kerholl would say). It’s just 3,000 years old, making it the “new kid on the block” in geological terms (had a bunch of lava, Chinese food made me erupt). Unlike most volcanic craters, however, studies found that the caldera was created not by an explosion but by a slow anti-climactic emptying of its core (Kerholl might be ugly but at least she blows?). Take a long hike around or a short hike down, but skip the swim. Kerid is pretty to look at, but who knows what diseases she has.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.south.is for opening times and more information.
bonus: faxifoss
Though easily overshadowed by the various waterfalls of the region, Faxifoss, affectionately nicknamed “Faxi” is the little waterfall that could. It’s not that tall but more than makes up for it with its massive girth (basically a waterfall version of a chode). There’s a salmon ladder to the left of the falls, to help the salmon get up to the top of the stream (though whatever happened to survival of the fittest? those damn millennial salmon have it easy). It’s also a popular place for salmon fishermen to fish the relatively shallow waters, but can’t they just stand near the ladder and pick them off by hand (not us boomer fishermen, we do things the hard way because we’re tough; totally inefficient and possibly destructive to future generations, but tough nevertheless). Best view from top.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Strokkur & geyser
Blowing steaming hot water 50-60 feet in the air every 5-10 minutes, Strokkur is quite the crowd pleaser. It first appeared in 1789 after an earthquake unclogged it (it must have been a giant’s toilet at one point, until he ate an entire village and clogged it up). Back then it spewed water 200 feet high (when your new to the job and bring a level of enthusiasm that you can’t sustain long). Another earthquake in the mid 20th century blocked it up again until 1963, when the Geysir Committee decided to unclog it (you could say their jobs depended on it). The locals banded together and were somehow able to clear it up without getting violently blown to smithereens (if it happens again, a massive plunger may suffice) and it’s still going strong to this very day much unlike its neighbor, the introverted and misanthropic Geysir, which has been dormant since 2000 (its software wasn’t made to operate past Y2K). If you’re wondering why they gave this Geysir such an unoriginal name it’s actually the other way around; all geysers are named after Geysir, the first recorded geysir, in the 18th century though it had probably been active for almost 10,000 years before that (so you just missed it in the scope of geological time). While it might not be active now you should’ve seen it back in the day, the day being 1845, when it erupted over 560 feet in the air (probably an exaggeration, like how old people exaggerate things, but still pretty impressive). The eruptions ebbed and flowed (pun intended) with the frequency of earthquakes over time, with an earthquake in 1896 causing eruptions several times per day that lasted over an hour, blowing water over 200 feet in the air the entire time (picture or it didn’t happen). A 1916 earthquake filled the cavity with silica, which shut it down until 1935 when a channel was manually dug into the rim to lower the water level, causing it to erupt again, until the channel also became filled up with silica, shutting it down again until 1981, when someone discovered you could “stimulate” eruptions (geysers - they’re just like us) by dumping large amounts of soap in the water, but this was only done on special occasions, like the Icelandic National Day (birthday sex basically, followed by another year of sexual deprivation and general frustration - why did I get married again?) A 2000 earthquake caused eruptions of around 400 feet about eight times per day but the eruptions have slowed to a crawl since then, with the last known eruption happening in 2016, not counting possible night eruptions (wet dreams FTW). If you do happen to catch it in the act of passion, consider yourself as lucky as a lottery winner (but without material benefits) “but do not trust to hope, it has forsaken these lands” (ride north instead). While it might be the geyser’s equivalent of a person in a vegetable state, waiting to put you out of its misery, it will always be the O.G. (original geyser) of geysers and who knows, it might even hear you beckon (but don’t let other people catch you talking to a geyser). If it doesn’t work at least there’s Litli Geysir, a water shot away.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.south.is for more information.
GulLfoss falls
In the 1920's, foreign investors rented out the farmland containing this massive waterfall in the hopes of harnessing its power to generate geothermal energy and while naturally-sourced energy sounds like a progressive idea, it’s not as progressive as - you know - conserving nature for nature’s sake, as this beautiful view would’ve been dominated by the presence of an energy farm (and it would not have become the selfie backdrop that it is today, which is much more important than renewable energy). And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those darn kids, specifically the landowning farmer’s daughter, Sigridur, who protested her father’s renting out the farm by marching toward Reykjavik, to plead with lawmakers to cancel the contract, unfortunately learning that you can’t fight city hall, before marching back home (love the enthusiasm, but it’s okay to get a lift) and threatening to throw herself off the ledge and into the falls (that escalated quick) It worked, however, and the government cancelled the contract, declaring Gulfoss as a publicly protected property from that day forth, also serving as a very important lesson to impressionable children everywhere: if you don’t get your way in life, don’t give up - just threaten to kill yourself (off a waterfall specifically for added effect). Unfortunately, this story probably didn’t happen (why are you telling me this then? what kind of sick game is this?). It’s nevertheless commemorated with a plaque at the highest point overlooking the falls, perhaps for reminding us the importance of nature as both a source of life and of selfies which is basically the whole point of living anyway. It’s hard not to think of Greta Thunberg (as you walk to the top or bottom of the falls for selfies from different perspectives), as the Sigridur of her time, though if she wanted to accomplish anything, she might have to take more drastic (suicidal) measures.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit gullfoss.is for more information.
bonus: bruarfoss
Not many people visit this waterfall because its not as large as its counterparts, so you could say it has a little case of the blues, literally, being known as the bluest waterfall in Iceland. It was named after a bridge that once stood over it, allowing people safe passage from one territory to the other until famine struck in 1602. The prosperous church on one side of the falls destroyed the bridge to prevent the less prosperous side from reaching their territory (so much for giving alms, but don’t worry the meek shall inherit the earth one day, not today but definitely sometime soon, so keep praying). The bridge is also purportedly the site of an earlier tragedy. In 1433 a Danish bishop had attempted to murder a man for catching the eye of a woman he fancied (I’m a nice guy, I swear). The woman announced that she was saving her affection for the man who murdered the bishop, so the son of the local chieftain kidnapped the bishop, put him in a bag, tied the bag to a rock, and threw him off the waterfall, where he drowned. (The lady was probably “totally joking” and said “you totally didn’t have to do that for me” but you know she definitely loved the violent attention). The 2 hour hike, there and back, passes two other falls; act now to get the special three-for-one waterfall offer.
Suggested duration: 2 hours.
selfoss or reykholt
STAY THE NIGHT in: SELFOSS or REYKHOLT
DAY 2: Valleys, Vikings and Volcanoes (Thjorsardalur)
Thjofafoss & Trollkonuhlaup
Connected physically by the Thjorsa River and symbolically by the presence of Mount Burfell watching over them like a protective mother (or a creepy stalker in the night), both Thjofafoss and Trollkonuhlaup once flowed more “rapidly,” but are now hindered by the presence of Burfell Station (don’t mess with my flow), a geothermal power plant, which, along with the pending construction of Burfell Station II, threatens to stop the water from flowing at all (where’s the suicidal teenage girl when you need her). For now, the falls are still flowing, more heavily in the summer (and at that time of the month) when there’s a water surplus beyond what would normally be diverted to the energy plant. Trollkonuhlaup is the more easily accessible of the two being right off the main road, but that’s because it has less to offer (and so it’s desperate for your attention). It’s named after a myth of a troll, who threw the stones into the water, to use as stepping stones, so she could cross the river to visit her sister, without getting wet. (her sister just redid the floors). Thjofafoss, on the hand, plays harder to get being more removed from the main road (AWD required) but she has more to offer in terms of appearance. Thjofafoss means “thieves waterfall” where thieves were executed by drowning (its starting to seem like every waterfall was the site of executions for a different crime segment, although execution by waterfalls seems like a fittingly Icelandic way to go). Access to the Thjofafoss is easier from the south front, and has a more impressive view, unless you’re one of those contrarian hikers (let’s go the hard way with less pay off because we’re alternative!) In this case, however, stay south - you’ll be rewarded (if you approach her the wrong way or say the wrong thing you’ll blow your chances with her, she’s that hard to get).
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.south.is for more information.
Haifoss waterfall
The third tallest waterfall in Iceland, behind Glymur (Part 1) and the virtually inaccessible Morsarfoss, Haifoss literally translates to “tall waterfall,” which sounds like a bland description, but once you do see it, you’ll so awed by its size that your vocabulary will be temporarily reduced to that of a native Icelander and “tall waterfall” will be the only words you can muster up to describe it. What makes Haifoss truly stand out among its waterfall peers is the breathtaking (bring inhaler) complementary vista of Thjorsardalur Valley, a sight normally reserved for desktop computer backgrounds. Throw in a second waterfall, Granni (not short for grandma but “neighbor”) and a relative scarcity of tourists, there’s enough stimuli here to forge a real connection with nature (but try not to get too clingy, nature can be cruel). To access the site, you’ll need a car with AWD, and a sense of adventure (not included), as the road there is a bit “bumpy” to say the least. Although it’s possible to traverse the massive boulders and potholes (at what point do potholes become craters?) by car, you should take maximum precautions to avoid getting stranded, and being forced to eat your loved ones to survive (it’s just a few hours wait but you might be hungry waiting for help). But don’t less these warnings deter you as they deter the average paranoiac tourist, who still hasn’t left Reykjavik outside of a tour bus for fear of getting ripped apart by polar bears (or worse: immigrants!). If you’re brave enough, hike the steep path down to the falls for further man on falls intimacy.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.south.is for more information.
GJAIN (SPRING-FALL ONLY)
With so many waterfalls and caves to explore in this valley within a valley, you'll think you've stumbled into some kind of fantasy land - if being here doesn't make you want to start prancing around spontaneously, you're probably already dead inside. But be sure that you're just prancing along the path and not trampling on the flora. It's a very fragile environment that has lost much of it's sheen due to the tourist uptick in the area. As you can imagine, the elves that are said to dwell here aren't too happy about it. Should you find yourself getting suddenly gnawed by a plague of vicious gnats, you’ll know exactly who unleashed them on you.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
BONUS: stOng & THJODVELDISBAERINN stong
When the vikings first came to Thjorsardalur Valley, they probably thought it would be the perfect place to settle, but boy were they wrong! The mountain looming over them turned out to be Hekla, one of Iceland's fiercest, and most active volcanos, which completely destroyed the settlement in 1104. ("Seriously Hekla? We literally just put the finishing touches on the roof.") The ruins give us a good sense of what Viking life was like, and you know what? They had it pretty good! Well, at least until they perished.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.south.is for more information.
If you lack the imagination to mentally reconstruct what Viking life may have been like based on the ruins at Stong, you can see a Viking farmhouse replica complete with a grass covered roof (mowing the lawn must have been a real chore, let's leave it at that). Of course, Vikings didn't have the most sophisticated sense of style, so the interior is a little drab, but if you know a decent interior designer, you could really fix this place up into a nice little Icelandic summer cottage, or perhaps a glamorous Viking-style Airbnb.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.thjodveldisbaer.is for opening times and more information.
hjalparfoss
Although it’s considered a single waterfall, Hjalparfoss looks more like a conjoined twin (
siamese waterfalls - the circus freak of waterfalls
area itself is called Hjalp or “help” because the vegetated area offered an oasis for travelers and horses
Suggested duration: Visit www.south.is for more information.
secret lagoon
It should really be called an "Open Secret Lagoon," so you don't show up expecting an entirely private oasis, yet compared to the Blue Lagoon, there's more than enough room to swim and walk about, without accidentally violating a stranger's personal space. Also compared to the Blue Lagoon, it's 100% natural and half the price. There might be some slimy fungus, but it's totally worth it.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit secretlagoon.is for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT in: SELFOSS or REYKHOLT
DAY 3: Back to Basics (Landmannalaugar)
Landmannalaugar (Summer only)
Literally meaning "the people's pool," this region is known for its plethora of geothermal pools, set among multi-hued mountains, which in the olden days, would offer travelers through the region a welcome respite from the elements. If you're expecting a spa-like experience with deep-tissue massages, hopefully you have a willing companion or you'll find a friendly stranger because this is as non-commercial as it gets, but if it's relaxing enough for that weary traveler, it should be more than relaxing enough for you.
Note: a 4x4 vehicle or a guided tour is required to access area.
HIGHLIGHTS OF LANDMANNALAUGAR:
mountain mall
This all-in-one coffee shop, grocery store, and hiking supplier is the only store in the region, so it's a good thing they have it all and a miracle they fit it all in a converted 1970s school bus.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
laugahraun lava field
This easy relatively-flat hike takes you through lava fields to Mt. Brennisteinsalda, where the prettiest of colors is negated by the smelliest of odors from active gas vents near its base.
Average duration: 2 hours.
Bonus: mt. blahnjukur
The "blue peak" is a bit more challenging but the picturesque zig-zag path and the views from the top are worth the sweat. Once you get to the top come back the way you came or it's going to be a lot more sweat for only a little bit more beauty.
Average duration: 3 hours.
brennisteinsalda bathing place
This hot spring may or may not be infested with parasites but that never stopped any intrepid bathers from taking a dip. It's claimed that these parasites are only harmful to birds, having yet to adapt to the human body, which is why if you do bathe, you should stay away from the zombie ducks floating nearby.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
Bonus: blahylur lake
With its turquoise water and mountainous backdrop, this lake has become a photographer's paradise especially leading up to sunset, providing the kind of feeling that can't be captured by a photograph not that it will stop you from trying to do so.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.