DAY 1: Phallic Symbolism (Central Reykjavik)
hallgrimskirkja
The undisputed icon of Reykjavik is this Lutheran church, named after 17th century Icelandic poet Hallgrimur Petursson, author of the Passion Hymns, a traditional recounting of the story of Jesus from temptation to death (without the “feel good” Americanized ending where he comes back to life, kicks ass and takes names). It was designed by architect Gudjon Samuelsson (who was a far better person than his brother Badjon Samuelsson) who was partially in-“spired” by the Grundtvig church in Denmark but also by the natural basalt columns that are common to Iceland. Even though it looks really awesome, this church wasn’t without its critics. (shows how much you know about art, you plebe!) Art critics somehow criticized this very futuristic building as “too old fashioned” (which would only make sense if you were a time traveling art critic, in which case it’s pretty weird and petty to go back in time to this time of all times just to criticize a building, but art critics are petty like that, more so art critics from the future). The leaders of the church also criticized it, that it should be taller than the tower of Landakoskirkja, the Icelandic Catholic Church in Reykjavik (in case you thought religions were above petty dick swinging contests… let’s see you try to build a building, you arm-chair assholes) Completed in 1986, it’s among the tallest buildings in Reykjavik today (which seems like kind of a let down, but you didn’t come to Iceland for its architectural merits unless you did, in which case you just have to make the best of it). As you approach the church (with hymns playing in your head to celebrate your holy arrival) you’ll pass a statue of the national hero Leifur Eiriksson, a native Icelander and first European to discover America, 500 years before Christopher Columbus (and was able to do it without causing genocide). The statue predates the church, gifted by the U.S. in 1930 (without so much as a hint of self-awareness) in honor of the establishment of Icelandic parliament at Thingvellir in 930 AD. Once inside, take the elevator to the top for 360 views of Reykjavik then chill in the minimalist sanctuary, where you can pray, meditate, or do whatever it takes to find meaning in this cold, bitter life.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.hallgrimskirkja.is for opening times and more information.
Laugavegur Street
The primary shopping street in Reykjavik, Laugavegur Street is also the oldest shopping street in Reykjavik, but it wasn’t always designer clothes and bags. Quite the opposite actually, as Laugavegur, meaning “washing street,” ran all the way to the nearest hot springs, where Icelanders of old would go to wash their clothes and perhaps sneak in a little dip in the springs (“You relax, I’ll do the laundry this week.” “No, you relax, it’s my turn,” said no couple ever again.) Let’s get real though, in olden times it was the women washing the clothes (“what took you so long babe?” the husbands probably inquired as the wives swallowed their pride, no doubt looking forward to their next spa, I mean “laundry” day). If you’re staying at an Airbnb nearby and looking for a place that you can wash your clothes, you’re out of luck as the springs have since dried up (like female patience for male impotence), but why bother washing clothes when you can buy yourself a whole new wardrobe (or have your husband buy it for you, sweet revenge for the wives of olden days) at this premier shopping hub, a unique blend of American and European fashion from cool brands you’ve never heard of (if you’re looking for the nearest Hollister, just do everyone a favor and go back home). Shopping here will set you back quite a few krona so shop responsibly (or with reckless abandon, not for yourself, for wives of olden days, you can tell yourself as your husband drowns in debt but swallows his pride, no doubt looking forward to meeting his mistress, I mean “going out to do the laundry”). If there’s one thing to splurge on, it’s a traditional Icelandic lopapeysa sweater. Priced like a luxury, you must have one regardless a) to keep you warm, and trendy, on a cold Icelandic night (the trendiness of it adds extra warmth) and b) so you can casually wear it back home, prompting your friends (frenemies really) to ask you where you bought that “lovely sweater” (said with a forced smile to compensate for their bitter jealousy) to which you will reply “Iceland” (said with forced smile to compensate for years of accumulated resentment) giving you an opportunity to share all the details about your “amazing trip” (“look at these pictures,” you corner them so they have no choice but to watch) inspiring even more jealousy and simultaneously moving you several rungs up your social ladder (you’re welcome). In all honestly Icelandic sweaters are itchy AF, knitted from 100% sheep wool (if you were a sheep, you’d walk off a cliff) but it’s not about how you feel, it’s about how you look.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.reykjavikattractions.is for more information.
Alternative: KOLAPORTID
Maybe Laugavegur wasn’t your speed which is a nice way of breaking it to yourself that you couldn’t afford anything there; don’t worry, nobody can! But here at Reykjavik’s one and only flea market you can get all the same clothes (sweaters included) at half the price as they’re “game worn” by authentic Icelanders, and as an added bonus, smell like an authentic Icelander, which in case you didn’t know, smells like an unholy mixture of fermented shark, used books and a hint of licorice, or perhaps those are just the smells that permeate the market air, eventually seeping into the secondhand goods. But getting a good deal will make said smell a much easier pill to inhale. Buying and collecting junk in Reykjavik wasn’t always this easy. When the flea market opened in 1989, it occupied a bank parking lot that was once used as a coal yard since coal was no longer a fashionable fuel source (Iceland now runs entirely on elven magic and fairy dust, which sounds magical, but is actually far worse for the environment and takes a huge toll on Iceland’s fairy population- let’s just say that fairy dust isn’t just offered up willingly). The flea market was later moved to its current location, both indoors (expedient because when you shop outside in Icelandic winter, it’s “shop ‘til you freeze,” but literally) and away from the bank (symbolic because you don’t necessarily have to break the bank to shop here, but you definitely could if you wanted to). You will need some money, however, in the form of cold hard krona, as most of the vendors don’t take credit; you can find an ATM at the entrance, but there’s usually a long line, so it’s best to come prepared with cash (which also helps you stick to a budget). You won’t find great discounts per se, but the real treasures come through haggling (and the vendors you can break along the way). Definitely don’t be afraid to haggle here (unless you’re haggling with a vicious demon, as in the “lady” who “mans” the candy stall, in case you thought haggling for candy would be a walk in the park, and don’t send your kid in there as a haggler tactic if you want your kid to come out alive - maybe this delicious candy is made sweet from the souls of the children forced into unsuccessful haggles). Besides candy, there’s plenty of other traditional Icelandic foods to buy, or sample (then take your time to think about it, hoping someone else will approach and distract the vendor so you can quietly slip away without having to buy any thing). Delicacies include the above mentioned candy (the candy-“man” is watching your every move from the moment you walk into the market), dried fish and fermented shark (which fulfills the same role that candy fulfills for kids but for grizzled Icelanders) and baked goods, such as rye bread and pastries (the safe choice for the average tourist but here’s to hoping you will live a little). On the other side you’ll find all the goods, ranging from the above mentioned used books and clothes along with records, jewelry, crafts and various Icelandic trinkets, which would make a nice souvenir for your loved ones back home, though depending on the refinement of recipients taste, may be seen as the equivalent of getting goal for Christmas, especially coming from the coal yard.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.kolaportid.is for opening times and more information.
ReyKJAVIK STREET ART
Iceland is unique among European countries in that it's probably more notable for its street art than for its actual art. (When the most popular museum in Iceland is devoted wholly to penises, it's really not that "hard.") Unfortunately, street art doesn't have a map or an information desk plus the works themselves are transient in nature so don't go looking for anything specific, but keep your eyes peeled wherever you go. For starters, you could take a walk down Hverfisgata Street or Grandagardur, along the pier, both of which have multi-story buildings, where you're bound to see something cool or you could always tag something yourself.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjavik.is for more information.
BONUS: Icelandic phallological museum
it's not for everyone, but if you have a juvenile sense of humor or you're just a really horny woman, you'll find plenty material to work with including casts of the entire 2008 Icelandic National Handball Team (get it, handball?). If you're a guy with an average or below-average sized penis, don't worry, there's a wide range of casts and impressions to inspire both pride and envy. All in all it's one of the few places in the world where it's acceptable to walk around thinking that every tube-like shape looks like a penis.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.phallus.is for opening times and more information.
sun voyager
After the last stop, it would be "hard" to interpret this sculpture as anything other than phallic, but what artist Jon Gunnar Arnason was actually going for was "the promise of undiscovered territory." Yet you can't ignore the blatant phallic undertones of the work.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjavik.is for more information.
Harpa
Along with Hallgrimskirkja, this concert hall is one of the few structures that really stands out in downtown Reykjavik, its design also inspired by natural features native to Iceland. It was originally part of a grander development project that included a hotel, luxury apartments, upscale restaurants and a bank, but when the financial crisis hit Iceland in 2008, the project was terminated. Only the already-in-development concert hall was completed after the Icelandic government stepped in to bail them out; some countries bail out their banks, Iceland bails out their music venues. Now there's a country that has its priorities straightened out.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.harpa.is for opening hours, tickets, schedule of events, and more information.
imagine peace tower (FALL ONLY)
If you're visiting in the late fall and you're out after dark, it's probably because you're waiting for the northern lights to show up, but like the guy who was supposed to meet you for drinks and is now forty minutes late, they're probably not going to show up. Don't cry; there are other lights in the sky, even if they're artificial. This beaming tower of light north of Reykjavik was dedicated by Yoko Ono to her late husband John Lennon. The lights are lit every night between October 9 (his birthday) until December 8, (his death day). It just goes to show you - even if you find the right person, there's still a good chance they'll die a horrible death.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.imaginepeacetower.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: REYKJAVIK
DAY 2: From Water to Hard Liquor (Reykjavik Expanded & Akranes)
BOnus: ellidaardalur
Not many people know about this hidden gem of a park on the outskirts of Reykjavik. While the tourists are shuttled off in droves toward the Golden Circle, the locals are perfectly content to have this park to themselves but now you could spoil that last vestige of peace and quiet for them. Grab a coffee and take an early morning walk alongside the river Ellidaa. The soft cascades and flat walkway along with the lack of noise serve as a nice counterpoint to the next stop, the tallest and most visited waterfall in Iceland.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjavik.is for more information.
glymur (spring-fall only)
Okay, so it's not technically the tallest but who's counting, well... besides the people who declared Morsarfoss the tallest in 2011, but that one requires a 20-mile trek up a glacier - you might as well climb Everest at that point - whereas this one has a parking lot, so how bad can it really be? You still have to climb since you can't see it from below but the incline isn't so steep and the environment around it is sufficiently beautiful to distract you from that fact that you're exercising. The biggest obstacle is overcoming your fear of heights (and your fear of slipping and breaking all of your limbs) as you'll be crossing a river (wear waterproof hiking shoes) at the start of the hike, over an often-slippery log. (literal pro tip: move sideways, one step at a time). It’s all worth the view at the top.
Average duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.west.is for more information.
reykjardalur hot springs
Alternative: hellisgerdi
If a native Icelander tells you that the town of Hafnarfjordur is overrun with elves, or that this park specifically is the home to the royal family of elves try not to laugh; Icelanders take their myths pretty seriously. But if you've come here specifically to look for elves, you might end up disappointed as you probably lack the "second sight" required to observe them. But when taking a walk through the woods, if your children suddenly go missing, you'll know what got them. But those pesky kids had it coming anyway.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.visithafnarfjordur.is for more information.
national museum of iceland
While there are many micro-museums to choose from (penises aside) in Reykjavik proper, most of them are tourist traps or just recreations of what you can find in nature and are bound to leave you disappointed, but this museum on the outskirts of the city has an extensive collection of over 2,000 objects working together to recreate the story of Iceland, more than enough to get you intellectually stimulated (a nice counterpoint to the physical stimulation at the Boner Museum). Established in 1863, this collection was first curated by Solfarid sculptor Jon Arnason (in retrospect, Solfarid might've just been his version of Oscar-bait, in gunning for this position). The best section of the museum is the Settlement Era gallery, chock full of swords, treasure, and drinking horns, more than enough to spark your secret pirate aspiration (you thought you were the only one?). The most noteworthy single item is the 13th century Valþjófsstaður door, a carving depicting the mythical tale of a knight slaying a dragon, which freed a lion who became the knight’s best friend, instantly putting all dogs to shame (best step up your game dogs, or back to the pound you go).
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.thjodminjasafn.is for opening times and more information.
perlan
A good place to be on a cold night in Reykjavik, this former hot water storage tank still turns up the heat with gourmet dining, an observation deck and the Wonders of Iceland exhibit, featuring a virtual recreation of the Latrabjarg Cliffs (Iceland - Westfjords); it's not nearly as cool as the real place, but what is reality anyway? It also features what they claim to be world's first man-made ice-cave, but it doesn't really compare to the nature-made kind (Iceland - Eastfjords). Also, pretty certain it's just a glorified igloo.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.perlan.is for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: REYKJAVIK
DAY 3: The Penisula of fire and ice (Reykjanes Peninsula)
Thrihnukagigur volcano
Here's something you can't do anywhere else in the world: descend into the magma chamber of a dormant volcano. Usually when volcanos go sleepy-bye, the hot liquid magma dries up, leaving the chamber filled with volcanic rock but for some yet unidentified reason, the magma in this former bad-boy got flushed down the drain, leaving the chamber hollow and ripe for exploring. A short, two-mile hike from the road takes you to an open-air lift, for a six minute descent to the bottom of this massive and multi-colored chamber. We know what you're thinking, but don't worry, the volcano hasn't erupted in 4000 years. Though come to think of it, it's probably overdue for an eruption especially now with you inside of it. If you don’t turn to soup, there's soup waiting for you up top.
Average duration: 3 hours. Visit www.insidethevolcano.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
Krysuvik & GRAEnavatn Lake
Make sure to stick to the boardwalk when you're walking through this field filled with boiling hot cauldrons of mud and sulphur or you'll end up as just another ingredient in mother nature's ever-brewing pot of earthen chili, which it goes without saying, is spicy AF. And though the Blue Lagoon-like lake across the road looks perfect for a swim, it's 150-ft. deep, and who know what lives in it. The best way to approach this entire region is the same way you'd approach an attractive stranger - you can look, but you can't touch; you can also take photos of the sights (not strangers) especially from the top of the hill where you can also see the ocean.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.visithafnarfjordur.is for more information.
Krisuvikurberg Cliffs (Spring-fall only)
From the top of this cliff, you can get a much closer albeit vertigo-inducing view of the ocean. The cliffs also serve as the summer home for a puffin colony ("I summer in Krisuvikurberg. Where do you summer?"). While they may look all cute and cuddly, they're known to get testy, so keep some distance. If you're visiting outside summer, don't worry, you can still see some puffins on a plate at some Icelandic restaurants. That's what they get for biting you. Revenge is a dish best served hot with a side of mashed potato.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjanes.is for more information.
bonus: selatangar (SPRING-Fall only)
The remains of this fishing village from the 1880's are believed to be haunted by the ghosts of the fishermen that lived there, but don't worry, they won't hurt you. Even in the afterlife, they mostly just sit around, drink beer, and wait around to catch some fish.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjanes.is for more information.
blue lagoon
Take a dip in this milky, blue lagoon, filled with warm, silica-rich water, good for body and soul. While the pool itself is manmade, the lagoon wouldn't be possible without some very specific geological features that are unique to the region. The water you'll be bathing in is pumped from underground, naturally warmed by the heat from an adjacent lava channel. The flowing water is first used to power the turbines of a nearby geothermal power plant before it passes into the lagoon for your bathing pleasure. It's a rare opportunity to bathe in a lake filled with the run off of a power plant without being instantly dissolved or transformed into a mutant (not the fun, superhero kind of mutant) so take advantage. Just be sure to book a few months in advance, especially for the summer months, as the lagoon tends to sell out (it's the most popular thing to do in Iceland after all and it's very close to the airport and Reykjavik, perfect for the majority of tourists who assume every country but their own is dangerous and it's not safe to leave the resort area). Also be aware that it's pretty expensive, but you can save some money by reserving the early morning or late evening. If early morning you can follow the day's itinerary in reverse but don't be surprised if you're too relaxed to go on. The lagoon also makes for a nice first or last activity on your Iceland trip, as it's near the airport and they have luggage storage. Whether you're just arriving to Iceland or you're going back where you came from, it's a great antidote for the stresses of travel.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.bluelagoon.com for tickets, opening times, and more information.
brimketill lava rock pool
Depending on the time of day and year, this naturally formed sea-side lagoon will either be calm and clear enough to see to the bottom or obscured by a torrent of crushing waves. Even when it's calm, the ocean is a fickle creature; making swimming a risky proposition. It's also said to be the private tub of a giant woman named Oddny, and you wouldn't want to get between a woman and her bath time, especially a giant woman. It's probably better to just chew up this otherworldly scenery from a safer distance.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjanes.is for more information.
bonus: Gunnuhver (spring-fall only)
If you're looking for another hit of that noxious sulphur smell, here's another good spot to get your fix. This field of boiling hot mud pools is named after a ghost who haunted the field in the 1600s before a priest lured her into one of the pools where she vanished. Once again, stick to the path, not only because of the danger of the pools but because Gunnuhver might pop out and drag you in.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjanes.is for more information.
bridge between continents
There are many places in the world where a person can stand between two states or countries, but not many where people can stand in between two continents. Take a walk on a bridge connecting the North American and Eurasian continental plates. Make haste though before they drift further apart and the bridge collapses leaving you hanging for your life over a deep chasm, like a Sylvester Stallone movie. It’ll probably be a long while before any noticeable movement but you don't want to take your chances.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitreykjanes.is for more information.