DAY 1: (Santorini - North)
THERA (Fira)
The coastal towns of Santorini are constructed like stadiums, with descending rows of balconies and the sea in place of the stage, which can be seen from almost any balcony (unless you get stuck sitting behind some doofy looking tall guy with perfect posture, completely ambivalent that he’s blocking your view and forcing you to crane your neck from side to side, leaving you with chronic neck pain and unable to enjoy the show). Fira is the capital of Santorini which comes with a variety of cafes, restaurants, and bars but also attracts a plethora of cruise-ship vermin (the lowest of the low in the tourist caste system) so best to explore early before they ruin everything. Since it’s a touristy place, you’ll definitely want to do your research before you randomly pick a restaurant or cafe with decent views but terrible food, though it you don’t pre-review your restaurants in the 21st century, you deserve bad food; look for some combination of views and local approved cuisine. If you’re looking for something “to do” besides sit around enjoying your coffee, breakfast and view (which is a very encouraged use of your time here), you can check out the Orthodox Metropolitan Cathedral and the nearby Museum of Prehistoric Thera but in general, the less time you spend indoors in Santorini, the more you’ll gain here; the only accepted indoor activity involves shopping for souvenirs you don’t necessarily need, but you just want it, okay?
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.santorini-view.com for more information.
IMEROVIGLI
North of Fira is the village of Imerovigli, accessible by 10 minute drive or 30 minute walk, but not by cruise ship, and since cruise-ship tourists are practically handicapped (by choice), it’s just you and the locals here - you’re in for a more authentic experience, which is nice because Imerovigli has much more to offer in terms of things “to do” with the neighboring ridiculously good looking Anastasi Church and Agios Georgios. Take the nearby Ekklisia Theoskepasti hiking trail past Skaros Rock, the naturally occurring rock formation fortified by the Byzantine Empire in the 13th century. It would’ve been a great space for a cafe but it was built for defensive purposes (they didn’t have their priorities in order back then). The island passed from the Byzantines to the Venetians, who were under constant assault from the Ottomans in the 16th century. The altitude of Skaros versus other forts assured some Venetian control until the Santorinians (Santorini-ites?) went behind the Venetians back, to make peace with the Ottomans, only for the Ottomans to later annex the island, by force (the treaty must have softened up the Santorinians, already softened by an excessive amount of honey-soaked phyllo pastries). The Venetians would have been all like, “we told you so,” if they themselves hadn’t already been softened by an excessive amount of spaghetti. Under Ottoman rule, there was little threat of invasion which caused Skaros, and Imerovigli, to lose its importance, but it still holds an important place in the cholesterol covered Greek hearts.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.santorini.com for more information.
oia
If you’re trying to get away from the crowds you’re probably better off leaving Santorini altogether but if you want to take things down a notch but don’t mind a few tourists (remember where you came from), Oia is a slightly quieter alternative to the previous islands at the northernmost tip of the island, with equally appealing options for shopping, dining and views or “the island trifecta.” Like Imerovigli, Oia is one of five ancient citadels guarding the island, but Oia peaked much later than Imerovigli, in the early 20th century as a prominent stop on the trade route between Russia and Egypt. It was also a prominent producer of wine at the same time, leading to many a drunker sailor (and probable late supply deliveries). The town’s economy collapsed with the use of steam ships, the developing port on the mainland and an earthquake or “the economic collapse trifecta,” thus leaving Oia with too much wine to drink and too few sailors to drink it - this is where you come in. And depending how hard you choose to play the role of “a drunken early 20th century sailor,” the immediate environs of Oia are probably the best (and prettiest) place to stay for the night. Just make sure to save some brain cells for the beautiful view of the sunset shining through the 13th century Byzantine castle ruin.
Visit www.santorini-islandguide.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: SANTORINI
DAY 2: (Santorini - Center)
Nea Kameni
Off the coast of Santorini is this uninhabited island. We know what you’re thinking, but don’t let any real estate agents convince you to buy here; they might not disclose the fact that the island is of volcanic origin. There are actually two volcanos for you to visit, Nea and Palea Kameni, or the Young and Old Burnt Islands though both are relatively new islands on the block, appearing around the early 1st century CE, about the same time that Jesus lived, as a result of underwater lava buildup (they have risen!). Palea’s existence was first reported by Roman historian Pliny the Elder in 19 CE, while Nea was first reported in 47 CE by Roman historian Cassius Dio (who sounds too hot to be anything other than a shirtless ferry boat captain). The islands are still growing with each eruption, and though another eruption is long overdue (probably when you’re on it) it’s still worth the short ferry boat ride (hopefully captained by a shirtless Cassius and not a shirtless Pliny the Elder) and a short but scenic hike around the crater.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.santorini.net for more information.
pyrgos or megalochori
Unlike the towns that Santorini is commonly known for, Pyrgos is not overlooking a cliff, which has its pros and cons (less tourists but less “oohs” and “aahs”) It has a bit of a “flatland complex,” as if it knows it’s not on the caldera and overcompensates through personality (with bouts of uncontrolled rage). Lest you think it’s all about the cafe scene (best around noon) there are great views from Pyrgos Kallistic, the 17th century church of the Virgin Mary. You can also take the two hour round trip hike from the center of town to the 18th century Prophet Elias Monastery, the highest part of the island. It’s uphill (both ways) so wear your walking shoes as opposed to cabbing it so you will have earned the monk-baked treats at the top (carbs taste better when you’ve earned them). If you can’t bring yourself to visit a non-cliffside town you can visit Megalochori which isn’t really distinguishable from the average cliffside island town, but makes up for it with a plethora of wineries (with wine-goggles, this might end up being your favorite town in Santorini). Before you indulge, take the short but steep Heart of Santorini hike down to the bottom of the caldera (wine goggles might make the hike look steeper than it is). Once you’re down, you have the entire tourist-free, albeit rocky beach, all for yourself.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.santorini.com or www.santorini-view.com for more information.
ancient thera & perissa beach
Inhabited as early as the 9th century BC, Ancient Thera was first settled by the Dorian colonists of Sparta, led by their king Thera, who named the island after himself (don’t mind if I do). He previously led Sparta on behalf of his nephews who were too young to assume the throne (transition to nephews singing “I just can’t wait to be king”); when the nephews eventually did take the reign (if there’s grass on the field, play ball), Thera set sail and thus the island was settled. Things must’ve gone well for the next hundreds of years because nobody recorded anything until 630 BC when drought forced most of the residents to flee to modern-day Libya (if you’re fleeing to Libya, you know things have really taken a turn for the worse). Nevertheless the island persisted, reinventing it-self in the 3rd century as quarters for part of the Ptolemaic naval fleet, until they fully withdrew in the mid-2nd century BCE. (Can’t we just stay here forever?) The island prospered once again both in Roman and Byzantine times before an earthquake finally put Thera on the road to ruins, in which it lies today. Highlights include, from west to east, The Commandant’s House and Gymnasium (maybe you can squeeze in a quick workout while you’re here), the Stoa and Theater (the “Broadway” of Ancient Thera minus the clearly intoxicated and shouldn’t be around children Elmo), and atop the “holy” mountain spur, the grotto of Hermes and Heracles, eventually supplanted by the Roman Bath and Gymnasium, because cleanliness (and having very ripped abs) is next to godliness. From here you can drive around or hike down to Perissa Black Sand Beach and show off your godlike attributes (or your fat-rolls).
Suggested duration: 4-5 hours. Visit www.ancient-thira.gr for tour opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: SANTORINI
DAY 3: (Santorini - South)
Bonus: tomato industrial museum
The tomatoes of Santorini are cultivated not by irrigation (like those plebeian tomatoes you’re used to) but by the moisture of the morning dew (sounds obnoxious but tastes delicious). It has a distinct sweet taste and feel (cop a feel when no one’s looking) that makes it perfect for the production of tomato paste. In 1915, Dimitrios Nomikos started Santorini’s first tomato factory making him the Thomas Edison of tomato paste (the greatest modern invention, narrowly beating out electricity in a measure of importance). In 1945, his son George built the factory you visit today in Vlychada (the tomato doesn’t fall too far from the vine). It’s no longer in operation due to the company’s relocation to the mainland, and the expansion of its export range to greater Europe, but the folks at D Nomikos haven’t forgotten their roots (or vines rather), turning the defunct factory into a museum, in which you’ll learn much more than you ever really needed to know about the production of tomato paste and get to can your own tomato paste souvenir.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.santoriniartsfactory.gr for opening times and more information.
prehistoric town of akrotiri & red beach
Dating back to over 7000 years ago, this Minoan Bronze Age settlement was mainly a fishing village, as evidenced by its position (and scattered remains of Bud Light 12 packs). The village expanded around 5000 years ago due to expanding trade, specifically the export of copper but the economy went down in flames, literally with the eruption of Thera in the 16th century BC. Akrotiri has often been compared to Pompeii because of the way the volcanic layer preserved the ancient ruin, but the people of Akrotiri had much more time to escape in an orderly fashion (single file, short to tall) so it’s thought that nobody died here, fortunate for them (unfortunate if you were looking to Pompeii-like casts of corpses screaming at the moment of impact). Because of Akrotiri’s quick destruction and relative mystery, it’s also thought that this is the town referred to in Plato’s original telling of Atlantis, though Plato had his head in the clouds, (philosophically-speaking) so we probably shouldn’t take the tale of Atlantic literally, but proceed to do so anyway. Pottery shards were found on this site as early as 1867, long before the extensive ruins were discovered over a century later, along with extensively preserved frescos. The frescos are not “true frescos” (well excuse me) but their unique quality allowed for their preservation. The artists used mineral paint, which lasts longer, on wet plaster, but instead of keeping the plaster wet they finished the fresco on dry plaster, which creates a unique effect (though if this were done today it would probably be considered a shoddy work). Some of the better works have been removed for preservation (i.e. Spring Fresco now housed in the Archaeological Museum of Athens) but some are still on view such as the heads of an African, blue monkeys and birds in Sector Alpha. For further blue monkey business, check out Room Beta 6. There’s also plenty of pottery to see (too bad pottery couldn’t be more interesting) which allows archaeologists to deduce much of the culture characteristic of the town. For starters, one can infer from the plethora of pottery that the residents had to leave quickly enough that they couldn’t take their valuables (leave the children, take the vase). Unfortunately the tragedy of the town has extended to modern days when a modern-built protective roof collapsed in 2005 (they don’t make them like they used to) killing a visitor (be careful) but at least the ruins went undamaged (phew! that was a close one, kicks blood under dirt). Wash off the dirt (and blood) at the nearby Red Beach, with its volcanic rock composition giving the sand a distinct reddish hue. Bathe at your own risk, as the area is prone to landslides. Worst case scenario, your crushed body would be preserved for discovery thousands of years from now. Tourists are discouraged from visiting but this hasn’t stopped the hundreds of people that visit here daily. If you can’t fathom the risks there are other hued, albeit less-scenic beaches to choose from nearby.
Suggested duration: 4-5 hours. Visit www.santorini-view.com for opening times and more information.
akrotiri lighthouse
Considered by many to be the prettiest lighthouse not only on Santorini but on all the Cyclades, though the residents of Mykonos might make a vocal case for Armenistis being the best (they don’t have such great football teams, so they get pretty competitive when it comes to lighthouses), Akrotiri Lighthouse was built in 1892 with room for one lighthouse keeper and his family to operate (flip a switch once per day and spend the rest of your life drinking wine and living the good life). As is the case for Armenistis, this isn’t a job you can apply for (you’ll have to settle for a screen-saver of this scene on your desktop inside your small, soul-sucking cubicle) but you can at least enjoy the view for now, best around sunset, if you haven’t already deduced it from the image above.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.santorini-view.com for more information.