DAY 1: (Central Athens - South)
PARTHENON
Dedicated to the goddess Athena, the Parthenon was completed in 447 BC under the rule of Pericles, at the height of the Athenian Empire, '“parthenon” meaning “unmarried women’s apartment” (which partially explains why the place is such a mess). It might be just referring to the one room in the temple where girl servants, the equivalent of pagan nuns, to Athena lived, or may translate to the more lofty ‘temple of the virgin goddess’ (which is how an unmarried women would probably refer to her apartment anyway). It’s built atop a previous temple, known as the Pre or Older Parthenon, which was destroyed by invading Persians in 480, the same army popularly depicted in the film 300. The Persian king Xerxes and Spartan hero Leonidas were true people, though the famous Battle of Thermopylae was most like a one-sided slaughter. (Both Greek legend and Hollywood have ways of embellishing reality). The Persians invaded Athens and destroyed the temple, but were defeated by Athenians later that year. The new temple was thus seen as a triumph over Persia and of Western culture in general (Gods bless Greece!) but despite its dedication, the temple served mostly as a treasury of expensive bling that was stolen from the Persians. The gods were probably pissed off, and the temple was rededicated to the new god on the block in the 6th century, more specifically, the Virgin Mary (same temple different virgin) under the anti-Pagan reign of Theodosius II. It remained a church until it was conquered by the Ottoman Empire in the 1400’s - they used it as both a mosque and a gunpowder facility which obviously wasn’t going to end well. The invading Venetians discovered its use in the Great Turkish War in the late 1600s and blew it up (which more fully explains why the place is such a mess). Despite its mess the Parthenon remains one of the best examples of Greek and Doric architecture (you’ll probably remember learning about Doric, Ionic and Corinthian columns and wondering why you have to learn this crap). There aren’t many original sculptures in the temple as most are preserved in the nearby Acropolis Museum, as well as the British Museum (could we get those sculptures back please Britain? No? Okay.) but there’s plenty to see besides the columns, including the metopes atop the columns depicting mythic battle scenes (anything involving centaurs is guaranteed entertainment) and the frieze along the outer wall of the interior structure, that shows the Panathenaic procession, an ancient equivalent to a ticker-tape parade. You’ll make that very procession on the way up.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
ERECHTEION
Dedicated to Athena and Poseidon, the Erechteion was built in the early 5th century BC as a replacement for another temple that was destroyed by the Persians in 480 BC (no respect for the arts). It is named after ancient king Erechteus, mentioned in Homer’s The Iliad and possibly buried nearby. It is also the site of a mythic war for Athens, between Athena and Poseidon; Poseidon struck first, literally, with a lightning strike that created a salt-water well. Then, Athena fired back with a spear strike that created an olive tree, in what might be one of the most passive-aggressive battles of all time (you’d expect more full-scale aggression from the all powerful gods). It is also said that Athena’s sacred (pet) snake lived here and was fed honey-cakes by a priestess; if the snake did not eat, it was said to portend bad times (or maybe the snake was trying to do keto). Like the Parthenon, the Erechteion turned to a church during the anti-Pagan days before becoming a general’s harem (woman cave) under Ottomon rule. Most of the artwork has faded or been destroyed, but the famous ‘Porch of the Maidens’ stands intact, not that they have much of a choice, balancing the entire roof on their heads (perhaps symbolizing the plight of housewives throughout time). The maidens are actually a replica, as five of the originals have been taken to the Acropolis Museum with the sixth being taken by Lord Elgin in the 1800’s to decorate his mansion (don’t mind if I do) before being donated to the British Museum. It was said that when the sixth maiden was taken the other five were heard weeping (though it’s not out of the question they were glad to get rid of her - she may’ve been a total bitch).
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.theacropolismuseum.gr for more information.
temple of athena nike
The Greeks build the temples, the Persians destroy them and the Greeks rebuild them again - that’s the circle, the circle of Greek life. This temple, again dedicated to Athena, (it’s hard to dedicate it to another god without Athena getting jealous and you don’t want to see her when she’s jealous) was completed in 420 BC (420 Bro) in place of a previously destroyed temple. At the time of its construction, Athens was at war not with the Persians but with Sparta (starting to think maybe you’re the problem, Athenians). Naming it after Athena can thus be seen as an attempt to gain favor with a goddess known for her military prowess, but Athena must’ve felt like she was just being used because Athens was weakened by a plague, and eventually lost the Peloponnesian War. (or, you know, maybe you shouldn’t leave your fate in the hand of a fictional deity) Unlike the Persians, the Spartans at least had some basic respect for Greek architecture, which allowed many of the monuments to be preserved, albeit crumbling through the passage of time. Athena Nike remains the earliest Ionic temple (move over Doric, there’s a new Greek architectural style in town). Unfortunately, it’s not wholly original because the Turks destroyed in 1686 (thought we were done destroying temples back in the Roman times) but it was reconstructed using the same crumbled stones after the Independence of Greece, in 1834. (At least their freedom didn’t rest in the hands of a fictional deity). The temple is somewhat bare these days, having once held the famed frieze of Athena fixing her sandals, the Greek equivalent to brushing dirt off her shoulder, now housed at the nearby Acropolis Museum. It was also the site of a now-lost wingless Athena statue which is peculiar because Athena is generally depicted with wings. It was said that Athena was depicted without wings so that she wouldn’t be able leave Athens, and would stay to protect Athens forever. (which comes across as pretty clingy - no wonder she gave them the plague). The standing friezes depict Greek military triumph.
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.ancient-greece.org for more information.
areopagus hill
This “pagus” or “large rock” is named for Ares, the Greek god of war, who is said to have been tried here for the murder of the god Poseidon’s son (“…the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me gods”). It’s also said to have been a place for murderers to hide (though you’d think the authorities would eventually know to look for them here). It might have served as a meeting place for the similarly named “Areopagus,” a 5th century precursor to the Roman Senate, as well as a trial court in which the mythical figure Orestes was tried for killing his mom and her lover (hell hath no fury like a boy with an oedipal complex scorned). Also supposedly tried here was Phryne, a 4th century B.C prostitute accused of showing up naked to a fraternal initiation rite (the first and last time a fraternity reported a stripper). As to be expected, she showed up to court completely nude, earning her an instant acquittal from the mostly elderly statesmen making up the court (when in doubt, show your boobs). Eventually, Christianity would spread around and it really cleaned up the place as evidenced by the Apostle Paul’s Areopagus sermon denouncing temples and false idols. (Him making his case without showing boobs is a testament to the power of religion) No more boobs but plenty views to make up for it.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visit-ancient-greece.com for more information.
odeon of herodes
With a capacity for 5,000, this stone semi-circular theater was first built in 161 AD by a wealthy aristocrat named Herodes Atticus in memory of his passed wife Aspasia (probably honoring her longstanding but unmet request for him to take her to the theater. “I’m busy,” he probably recalled and only regretted after she died). You can tell how much love he had for her by naming it after… himself. It was destroyed by the east Germanic Heruli tribe in 267 AD (no respect for the arts) and was finally restored in 1950, to be used again as a music venue, hosting the likes of Sinatra, Pavoratti, Elton John, and Sting (even Yanni got an invite somehow).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.odysseus.culture.gr for more information.
theater of dionysus
Built in the 4th century BC on the site of a cult worship site to Dionysus, this theater was also dedicated to Dionysus, the god of plays and wine (one of the most sought after god jobs). The theater was moved here, after a collapse of the wooden stands at the Agora (wood was a bad choice), with an assist by the noted statesman Lycurgus, who managed the city funds. (respect for the arts) Considered to be the world’s first theater and birthplace of Greek tragedy, it’s 17,000 collapse-proof stone seats made the ideal setting for the Dionysia, the biggest theatrical celebration of its time, the Cannes of ancient Greek theater (with just as much, if not more pretension). You can see the marble thrones in the first row, inscribed with the names of the patrons who last sat there, probably from Roman times. In fact, most of the current iteration of the theater is from Roman times, from the stage, dedicated to Nero, and the stage-front reliefs added under the reign of Phaedrus. In its Greek heyday, the stage played host to the likes of Sophocles, Euripides, and Aristophanes (even Menander got an invite somehow). The plays were of staged in trilogy format, each part connected thematically, most famous among them being Oresteia by Aeschylus, which recounts the story of the murder of Agamemnon by his (clearly unappreciative wife) and their kid’s eventual revenge (he probably wanted to kill her anyway, he was just looking for a good reason); Oresteia went on to win the Dionysia competition of 458 BC. (but Brokebackus Mountus was clearly robbed this year). The Romans eventually replaced the tragedies with more crude forms of entertainment (whatever that means, those crude Romans!) and those even cruder Byzantines destroyed the theater, to be excavated in 1846.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.athenskey.com for more information.
ACROPOLIS MUSEUM
Opened to the public in 2009, this archaeological museum features artifacts found on the Acropolis, including many of the sites you may have seen up to this point, from Greek to Roman to Byzantine times. Even the museum itself is built atop the ruins of a Roman-Byzantine city (in case you haven’t seen enough ruins). A smaller museum, atop the actual Acropolis, had originally held many of these artifacts but became increasingly crowded as further artifacts were discovered. Greece delayed in building a new museum, until their request for the return of the Parthenon Marbles (aka Elgin Marbles, named after the British “gentleman” who helped himself to them) was rejected. The British excuse: the Greeks didn’t have a suitable place to display them. Nothing else to stir those procrastinating Greeks into action like a good old fashioned insult, but it still took them a solid half century to finish the planning and construction. And even after it was completed, the British still rejected the request to return the marbles (which just goes to show you, never trust those Brits! Though perhaps even the new museum is not suitable to hold the marbles - it’s all very subjective.) The museum appears more than suitable however, designed to mirror the real Parthenon in height and arrangement. Start at the top floor, which contains the Parthenon relics, then work your way down to the second floor with relics from the other lesser Acropolis temples (Erechteion and Temple of Athena Nike) then back down to the first floor, which holds the relics from the surrounding slopes (Odeon of Herodes and Theater of Dionysus). There’s also a gift shop just like there was on the real Acropolis.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.theacropolismuseum.gr for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: hadrian’s arch
Part of a wall that once spanned from here to the nearby Temple of Olympian Zeus, this Roman triumphal arch was likely built to celebrate the arrival of Roman Emperor Hadrian (you really shouldn’t have!). It’s unclear who built it, though similarities in style to other arches may attribute it to the Panhellenes, a union of Greek cities, around 131 AD; it was originally thought that Hadrian had it built for himself, but historians believe that it’s unlikely that anyone could be that conceited (more evidence that historians don’t get out much). The columns were fashioned in the corinthian style (expired: Doric, tired: Ionic, wired: Corinthian) with an inscription on both sides, one translating to: “this is the ancient city of Theseus,” the mythical founder of Athens, the other translating to: “this is the city of Hadrian, not of Theseus,” in what amounts to the most passive aggressive territorial battle in the history of mankind.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.athenskey.com for more information.
temple of olympian zeus
At geographical center of Athens stands this temple, dedicated to Zeus, head of the Olympic gods (either he was very powerful or just really good at track and field). It’s built on the site of a previous temple, built also for Zeus by the tyrant Peisistratus, in 550 BC. The columns don’t fall too far from the temple as his sons Hippias and Hipparchos had it destroyed in an attempt to build an even bigger temple to rival the Temple of Artemis, one of the original Seven Wonders of the World. Their hopes were dashed when they were overthrown from power and democracy was restored to Greece; the democrats saw the construction of such a large project as hubris (the republicans didn’t know what the word hubris meant). Aristotle lectures at length in his treatise Politics about tyrants using large-scale public projects to distract the populace from blatant corruption, like building a “beautiful” wall on the border with Mexico (hypothetically speaking) in the same way that the Romans used “bread and circus” (which have been effectively replaced today by “sugar and sports.” Wake up people). In 174, the Seleucid King Antiochus IV Epiphanes (who clearly did not read Aristotle) declared himself the living embodiment of Zeus and restarted the construction of this temple. Apparently he wasn’t really so great at track and field, because he passed halfway through the temple’s construction and Greece was sacked by Rome shortly after, in 86 BC; some of the columns were repurposed to build the now-destroyed Temple of Jupiter in Rome. Construction wasn’t resumed until the 2nd century AD, during the reign of Hadrian (who was sick the day they read Aristotle at school). At least he completed it, with a total of 104 columns and a massive interior holding some of the largest statues of the time, including several of “yours truly” Hadrian, taking his place among the gods of track and field. Nevertheless, the temple was pillaged during the barbarian invasions of the 3rd century and never repaired, as the worship of Greek and Roman gods was made illegal, in 425 AD. Most of the columns were used to build the nearby Basilica, and only 15 of the original 104 columns remain, with an additional column on the floor after a storm knocked it down in 1852. After a landmark 2006 case, Greek pagans are now allowed to worship here - Zeus is back baby.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
panathenaic stadium
The only stadium in the world build completely of marble, the Panathenaic Stadium was originally built by the wealthy statesman Lykourgos for the Panathenaic Games in 330 BC. As an ancient precursor to the Olympics, the games featured both sporting and religious events (pushing the boundaries of both physical and mental realities) in honor of Athena. It also hosted a few executions here and there (popcorn get your popcorn!). The stadium was renovated by Herodes Atticus, the guy that brought you the Odeon of Herodes, in 144 AD, with a new capacity of 50,000 seats but after the spread of Christianity the stadium was mostly abandoned (Christians don’t play games). In medieval times, the stadium ruins were used for Crusader ceremonies and for maiden rituals with the purpose of finding husbands (the Tinder of its time). The ruins were excavated in 1869 and the stadium went on to play host to the 1870 Zappas Olympics, the first modern Olympics in 1896, and the Olympics again in 2004. It also played host to the epic Rock in Athens of 1985, with a sick lineup of Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Clash and Culture Club (even Talk Talk got invited somehow).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.panathenaicstadium.gr for tickets, schedule and more information
bonus: choragic monument of lysicrates
And the Oscar goes to… this statue was built by wealthy patron of the arts Lysicrates in honor of himself for sponsoring the play that won the Dionysia competition, at the Theater of Dionysus in 335 BC. The street on which it’s located leads right back toward the theater itself and was once lined with other choragic monuments (of self-saluting glory). It became the property of a French Capuchin monastery in 1658, which hosted many famous travelers, including Lord Byron, at the turn of 18th century, which led to its design being copied around the world, from Sydney to Edinburgh, New York, to Nashville. It was vandalized by an anarchist in 2016: “your Greek monuments are concentration camps for immigrants (doesn’t make sense, but hearts were in the right place).
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.athenskey.com for more information.
Plaka
The oldest neighborhood in Athens has been inhabited for the last 3,000 years, and it certainly looks like it, but in a good authentic way (as opposed to a run-down filled with skeletons way). There’s plenty to discover in these labyrinthine streets from restaurants and cafes to clothing boutiques, jewelry stores and souvenir shops. If you get there early, you can pre-game dinner with a glass of Ouzo, an anise-flavored aperitif, Greece’s national drink, with accompanying snacks (and pretend to like it, so you don’t offend the entire country). For dinner, try to avoid the restaurants along the main streets; if the hosts are begging you to come in it’s because they’re desperate for business and probably for friends too (I’m so alone). Oftentimes, the best food is in the ugliest restaurants so do your research, don’t just walk into a random ugly restaurant (that’s how you get food poisoning). At the very minimum, you will want to try some bakalairo, or salted fried cod, and a variety of grilled meats. If you ignore our recommendation and sit outdoors, as on the main streets, do expect to pay double and don’t be surprised when you get randomly serenaded by local musicians (did I ask to get serenaded?); gratuities expected. Other than drinking the night away, there’s a great rooftop movie theater, Cine Paris.
Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: athens
DAY 2: (Central Athens - North)
keramikos archaeological site
Along the banks of the Eridanos River are the remains of an ancient Athens potter’s quarter and cemetery (they really worked themselves to death - drumroll). Keramikos comes from the word “keramos” meaning “pottery” and is the root of modern-day “ceramics” (the more you know!). The cemetery part is famous for the delivery of Pericles funerary oration in 431 BC as well as where Pericles himself was later buried (his really “dug himself into a hole” with some of his opinions). The cemetery is also the starting point of the procession known as the Eleusinian Mysteries, the same fraternal initiation rite which landed the prostitute Phryne in hot water (don’t show up nude unless you’re willing to defend yourself in the nude - and that only works for women). After the Persian sack of Athens in 480 BC, a new defensive wall was built, running through this site, incorporating many of the gravestones into the wall; the street along the wall was later lined with monuments honoring the wealthy dead (blocking views among the former dead). Along the wall once stood the Pompeion building, used for ceremonial purposes during Panathenaic Games; a collection of bones found here suggests the practice a hecatomb, the sacrifice of 1000 cows or more to feed the folk during the festival (what? you gotta eat!). Pompeion was destroyed by Roman tyrant Sulla, sacking Athens in 86 BC, used as a storehouse, which was destroyed by the invading Heruli in 267 AD and used as a potter’s workshop, destroyed by the invading Slavs in 500 AD (extreme makeover: empire edition). The area was rediscovered in 1863, along with thousands of tombs, and a plague pit (like a ball pit, but with bodies instead of balls) consistent with the plague of 430 BC that counted Pericles among its victims. Most monuments you see here now are replicas; many of the actual ones you’ll find at the nearby Keramikos Museum.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
temple of hephaestus
This well-preserved ancient Greek temple is named after the Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship and fire (sounds like a lot of work but the fire part is pretty cool). It’s a fitting dedication considering the proximity to the potter’s quarter of Keramikos, along with former metal workshops (it’s hard to slack off when your boss is right next door, and is also the god of fire, which gives new meaning to the phrase “getting fired”). The temple was commissioned by Pericles, as part of an effort to rebuild Athens after the destruction caused by the Persians, but most of the money went toward the completion of the Parthenon and this temple wasn’t completed until 415 BC, after the death of Pericles; perhaps it’s all the love and attention for the Parthenon that keeps this temple so well preserved (albeit depressed and alone). With a mix of architectural styles (Doric on the outside, Ionic on the inside) and a variety of preserved imagery, this temple and later church to St. George may be overlooked but is more than worthy of attention.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.odysseus.culture.gr for more information.
ancient agora of athens
It might be hard to tell from the looks of it today, but this agora was once a popular gathering place, with multiple temples (including that of Hephaestus, along with others dedicated to Apollo and Aphrodite), as well as a mint, library, theater, and gymnasium - basically all of the amenities you would want in your luxury Greek condo, minus the nymph worshipping site.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.ancient-greece.org for more information.
stoa of attalos
Also part of the Ancient Agora of Athens, this covered walkway was originally built by King Attalos II of Pergamon, who ruled over Greece in the 2nd century BC. He commissioned it as a gift for him being educated in Athens, only for it to be destroyed in 267 AD by those uneducated Heruli; it was rebuilt with funding from the Rockefeller family in 1956. Evidence suggests that the back rooms were used for shops (crafts, not souvenirs) making the stoa seem empty today by comparison. An upscale wine bar would suffice.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.athenskey.com for more information.
roman forum
Competing with the Ancient Greek Agora, the Roman Forum, or Roman Agora, began with the Odeon of Agrippa, a concert hall dedicated by Agrippa in 15 B.C, but that’s all as far as amenities go, as far as we know; the site is barely excavated… BYO shovel.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.athenskey.com for more information.
horologian of andronikos & madrasah gate
Also known as the Tower of the Winds, this marble clocktower functioned as a timepiece and is considered to be the world’s first meteorological source, and was just as accurate as your lower weatherman (but without the forced sense of humor), through its sundial, water clock and weathervane. Built by Andronicus of Cyrrhus about 50 BC (give or take a few hundred years), the tower was repurposed as a church during Christian times (the weather is in God’s hands), and as a temple for dervishes to whirl during Ottoman Rule (which doesn’t sound much different than dancing, making this tower into the hottest nightclub of the 16th century. The nearby Madrassah Gate further elucidated the history of Muslim rule, being all that remains of the former “madrassah,” or a school of Islam. It later became a prison, with central courtyard tree facilitating executions by hanging (kind of went the opposite direction there). Briefly used as a prisoner of war camp in the Greek War of Independence (doubling down on the executions) the remaining structure was destroyed by archaeologists searching for treasures not realizing the treasure was inside them all along.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.odysseus.culture.gr for more information.
BONUS: kapnikarea
One of the oldest churches in Athens, the Church of Panagia Kapnikarea was probably built around 1050 in honor the Virgin Mary, over the remains of a temple in honor of Athena (cat fight). Nothing particularly special inside; just bask in the glory of its oldness.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.athensinfoguide.com for more information.
BONUS: agios eleftherios church & EKKLISIA AGIA DYNAMI
Also known as Little Metropolis, the diminutive church befitting of a worshipping Stuart Little is almost as old as its holy neighbor Kapnikarea, with estimates placing its construction at anytime between the 9th and 13th centuries. It once housed an icon of the Virgin Mary and several decorative friezes, all of them now lost and survived by a single frieze above the entrance depicting the presentation of Mary. If you thought church couldn’t get any smaller, you’re in for a surprise, at the nearby Ekklisia Agia Dynami.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.athensinfoguide.com for more information.
monument of the unknown soldier
In front of the Old Royal Palace stands this war memorial, dedicated to the unknown Greek soldiers killed during modern wars, including World Wars I and II, and guarded by the Evzones, kind of like the Swiss Guard, with equally flamboyant outfits (what’s the deal with elite military units wearing clown suits?) It was commissioned by “constitutional dictator” (as if sanctioned tyranny makes tyranny any better) Theodoros Pangalos in 1926. The monument is adorned with a sculpture of a dead soldier (maybe a touch “on the nose”) accentuated with quotes from the History of the Peloponnesian War, such as “there’s one empty bier made up for the unidentified fallen ones” (“bier” unfortunately meaning “coffin,” not “beer” but do pour one out for the fallen anyway.)
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.athens-greece.us for more information.
pittaki street & psyri
If neighborhoods were people, Plaka (Day 1) would be that perfect child that gets preferential treatment, while Psyri would be the deranged child that nobody knows it exists because it’s chained up in the basement. Suffice to say, Psyri is the anti-establishment capital of Athens, originally founded by immigrants who settled here in the 1800’s. Many of them became productive members of society, but others liked playing with fire, literally. Gangs were forged, including the Koutsavakides, known for long mustaches but not in an ironic way - even the police were afraid to encroach on their territory. In the late 1800s the government finally started to crack down on this gang in particular by publicly shaving their mustaches (true story) which apparently contained all their power, because the gang dissipated soon after. Unfortunately, the police also cracked down on harmless street characters like the public serenaders by smashing their guitars over their heads (a bit harsh but who hasn’t thought about smashing a guitar over the head of an unprompted street serenader). Psyri was also famous for “rock fights” which were exactly as dangerous as they sound (kids those days). And if Psyri wasn’t sketchy enough, it also served as the setting of Lord Byron’s poem ‘The Maid of Athens:’ "Oh maid of Athens, ere I part. Give oh give me back my heart," a beautiful piece of poetry, until you learn that the subject was a 12 year old girl. Like all bad neighborhoods (or people) Psyri just needed a little love and attention in order to clean its act (aka gentrification). There’s still plenty of grungy bars and nightclubs, but you’ll also find some beautiful hole-in-the-wall cafes, and a very eclectic mix of stores, from sandal to cigar shops, to punk fashion boutiques. The neighborhood might still seem dangerous upon entering and it might still be, but anything to keep the tourists out. Be there before sunset so you can see the neighborhood radically transform.
Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: athens
DAY 3: (Central Athens - East)
mount lycabettus
Rising almost 1000 feet above sea level is this legendary mountain, adorned at the bottom with pine trees and at the top with the 19th century Chapel of St. George, an amphitheater and a restaurant (the only valid reason to be hiking to the top of a mountain). Suffice to say, you’ll probably be taking the funicular anyway and your meal at the restaurant will be undeserved (it’s ok because you’re on vacation.) According to legends, the mountain was once the refuge of wolves, “lycos” meaning “wolves,” another reason to avoid hiking (whatever makes you feel better about being a lazy piece of shit). We probably didn’t need any legends about the construction of a mountain, but here we are: it’s attributed to the goddess Athena, who was carrying the mountain from a nearby peninsula for construction material to build the Acropolis but dropped it here by accident and just left it. Gods - they’re just like us. The amphitheater has hosted an impressive array of artists too lengthy to name; remember to check the schedule before visiting.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.lycabettushill.com for opening times and more information.
o dromeas
Completed by Costas Varotsos in 1994, after six years of painstaking construction, “the runner” is a sculpture that evokes Greece’s athletic past (as opposed to its lethargic present). Unlike modern Greeks, this one is built of jagged glass - not at all approachable.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
bonus: byzantine and christian museum
Founded in 1914, this museum houses over 25,000 objects from the 3rd century to late Middle Ages. While Christian art is widely represented all over the world, here you’ll find one of the most important collections of Byzantine art in the world, most notably the icons of several saints such as 14th century Catherine or 17th century Catherine. (we’re overdue for another Saint Catherine).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.byzantinemuseum.gr for opening times and more information.
bonus: museum of cycladic art
Founded in 1986, this museum has housed the collection of Nicholas and Dolly Goulandris, who specialized in Cycladic art, that of the Aegean islands, from before the common era, much of it strikingly similar to modern art (in case you thought the civilizations of the past were just a bunch of savages). And despite the impressive permanent collection, this museum has quite an impressive resume of temporary exhibitions over the years, from El Greco to Dali and Ai Weiwei, in trying their best to keep up with the times.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.cycladic.gr for opening times and more information.
Bonus: benaki museum
Founded by Antonis Benakis in 1930, in memory of his father Emmanuel (when a memorial plaque just isn’t enough), this eclectic museum features art that spans the course of Greek history. The most impressive pieces are works from the Greek Renaissance, such as Hymn to the Virgin (no hymns for the slut), St. Spyridon and Scenes from his life (not sure what’s happening at top right), Adoration of the Magi (so full of themselves), Four Military Saints, and the icons of Archangel Michael and St. Mark the Evangelist.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.benaki.org for opening times and more information.
archaeological site of sounion & Temple of athena sounias
The southernmost point of the Attic peninsula is most famous for the ruins of the Temple of Poseidon but there are many other ruins to behold. The peninsula itself is first mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey; the captain of the ship of King Menelaus ship passes away (slacking on the job) while passing the southern tip of the peninsula; Menelaus pulled over to the side of the ocean to give the captain a proper burial (burning his body to a crisp) on Sounion. It’s also mentioned in the account of Herodotus, who writes about the leaders of Athens sailing to Sounion on a magic ship (which sounds more like he was on acid than anything). Sounion eventually became a prosperous suburb, due to its strategic defensive position at the tip of the peninsula - it was fortified in 413 BC during the Peloponnesian War - and its proximity to the silver mine of Laurium but don’t bother looking for it; archaeologists already found it empty (or so they say). Besides the Temple of Poseidon, you’ll find yet another temple to Athena, built at about 470 B.C, also replacing a prior temple. Next to the Temple of Athena is a burial mound believed to be of Phrontus, the captain of King Menelaus’ ship just in case you want to pay your respect (or scold him for not following through). Besides him defacing the Temple of Poseidon, Lord Byron praised the beauty of Sounion, after his 1810 visit: “Place me on Sounion’s marbled steep, where nothing, save the waves and I, may hear our mutual murmurs weep.” At least he wasn’t talking about a 12 year old girl this time.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.ancient-greece.org for more information.
temple of poseidon
The original temple that stood here, also dedicated to Poseidon, was probably destroyed by Xerxes, destroyer of temples, in 480 BC; there’s no evidence of Xerxes destroying it, but he destroyed everything else so it’s not outside the realm of reason. It was re-built around 440 BC during the reign of Pericles, rebuilder of temples. 15 of 34 original columns remain; the other 4 are from Ikea. Lord Byron carved his name at the base of one column (technically defacement, but he gets away with it because he’s famous.)
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.athensguide.com for more information.
temple of artemis
On the eastern shore of Attica are the remains of Brauron, which along with Sounion, made up one of the twelve ancient cities of Attica. Dedicated to the god Artemis Brauronia, Brauron is said to have flourished from 2000-1600 BC, a time in which it was also fortified. It famously served as the end point of the Arkteia festival from Brauroneion in Athens, in which young girls approaching the age of marriage would get naked and dance (certain to attraction attention) and perform sacrifices along the way (might as well go full wildling at that point). The cult of Artemis was first brought to Athens from Brauron by the tyrant king Pisistratus, who was born in Brauron. It was first alluded to by Euripides in Iphigeneia of Tauris, which recounts the story of Agamemnon, en route to rescue his daughter from Troy (even though she went there not against her own will, but let’s pretend women have no agency). On the way there, Agamemon killed a stag on the sacred grounds of Artemis at Avlida, which caused the wind to work against his fleet. Instead of just waiting it out like a normal being, Agamemnon suggested he sacrifice his other daughter Iphigeneia for more favorable winds, even though literally nobody suggested that (interesting that he’s more willing to sacrifice one daughter than see another daughter get married to a man of her choosing). Even the god Artemis was all like “dude, that’s pretty intense, how about you just make her a priestess in honor of me,” thus saving her from being sacrificed. It all sounds like a roundabout ruse to ensure that Iphigeneia doesn’t marry the wrong person like sister Helen or anyone at all for that matter. Since Artemis and brother Apollo are often associated with plague and healing it makes sense that much of the construction around the site was finished at around the time of a large plague, in 420 BC. Many of the structures are well preserved, including the Doric temple and Stoa passageway, as well as the stone bridge and sacred spring that was connected to healing and childbirth rituals. At the culmination of an Arkteia festival, every four years, women would throw used clothing in the spring (they didn’t have second-hand clothing stores then). The clothes of women who died in childbirth were dedicated to Iphigeneia, while clothes from women who lived through childbirth were dedicated to Artemis. Then they would feast in the rooms that once stood adjacent to the stoa (because a feast is the only reason you’d walk from Athens to Brauron). Suffice to say, you’ll be driving here, but you can bring your own feast, in the form of a picnic.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.ancient-greece.org for more information.