DAY 1: (Mykonos - Chora)
paraportiani orthodox church
With over 400 churches on the island of Mykonos, you have no excuses for skipping church (even if you’re not Christian). But you can kill five churches in one shot at “Our Lady of the Side Gate” referring to the church’s position near the castle which previously stood here, completed in the 17th century. Paraportiani is definitely the most popular, and thus most photographed church on the island due partially to the peculiar shape, reflective of the five churches within, each being built in a different architectural era but mostly because of the view. It wouldn’t even really matter if Jesus himself was inside signing autographs, you’re here for the view.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.mykonostour.com for opening times and more information.
little venice
Built in the 18th century, these colorful row homes belonged to wealthy merchants and sea captains for easy access to the sea (leaving them with no little excuse if they were late for work). Also known as “Alefkandra” it’s said that the women of olden-day Mykonos would come here to wash their clothes - no wonder the wealthy men set up shop nearby (take it off take it off!). Since the early 20th century, visitors have referred to the row as Little Venice, due to its shared characteristics with the famous Italian city (but without the crowds and people yelling for no apparent reason). Ship captain and merchant homes have been replaced by beautiful seaside cafes. Come for breakfast, not just to beat the crowds, but because it’s the most important meal of the day.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.gomykonos.guide for more information.
BONUS: delos
If you’re looking for something beyond the touristy sites of Mykonos as mentioned thus far and you’re not completely ruined from the ruins of Athens, take a half day tour to Delos; a one hour ferry ride takes you to one of the most extensive archaeological sites in all of Greece. Originally settled by swash-buckling pirates (you can’t swash-buckle forever) as far back as 3000 BCE, Delos later gained cult status as the birthplace of the Greek twin-gods Apollo and Artemis (the Olsen twins of their time). According to legend, Leto, the mother of the two gods, chose Delos as the perfect location to have her children because it lacked natural resources and thus nobody else would attempt to claim Delos (or she was just looking for a roundabout abortion by means of starvation). Delos peaked as a site of cult worship in the first millennium BCE; several extreme measures were employed to “cleanse it of impurities,” including digging up all the dead bodies on the island (not sacrilegious at all), banning any births or deaths on the island (“sir, you can’t die here… sir? Sir? Arrest that dead man!”) Finally, all the island’s inhabitants were relocated to the mainland (vacation’s over folks). It later became the meeting place for the Delian League, a partnership of city-states united against the common enemy of Persia, a struggle which must’ve left them spent, because the Greek states were on the losing side of the Macedonian War against the Romans, who conquered most of Greek territory; Delos became the center of the Roman slave trade. (“I’ll trade you three vets for two rookies and a draft pick.”) But with no permanent inhabitants or natural resource, once the slave trade dried up, the island also dried up; only 15 people live here today, mostly involved in the operation of the island (a coveted island job but still a lot more work than the lighthouse keeper). From the port of Delos, use your restless energy stored up from the boat ride to climb up Mount Kynthos. The goddess Latona gave birth to the island (Ouch! Hopefully a C section at least) after fleeing from goddess Hera, after she found out about Latona’s affair with her husband Zeus (Gods… they’re just like us!). On the way up, you’ll pass the 2nd century B.C.- built Temple of Isis, originally an Egyptian god (ancient cultural appropriation) and the mosaic-lined Temple of Hercules (who knew that the chiseled strongman had such a good eye for interior design). Mount Kynthos is actually more of a hill so you should have plenty energy for the rest of the island. Due north from Kynthos, take a pit stop at the Archaeological Museum if you want to gain some context for the ruins (No context? Moving right along then.) Northwest of the museum you’ll arrive at the terrace of the Naxian Lions, made of marble, given as a gift to Apollo by the towns folk of Delos (he must’ve been unhappy with the gift because the island folk were relieved of the island shortly after). The lions stand guard over the Sacred Lake, which is said to be where Leto gave birth to the twin-gods; the lake had to be drained after a deadly malaria outbreak in 1925 (the gods are very hard to please). On the way out, you can see the House of Cleopatra (not the Cleopatra), marked by the two headless statues of her and husband Dioscorides (cooler heads prevail) the House of the Trident, with accompanying dolphin mosaic, and the Ancient Theater of Delos.
Average duration: 5-6 hours. Visit www.delostours.gr for ferry tickets, schedule and more information.
windmills of kato mili
The undisputed symbol of Chora, the capital of Mykonos, is this set of seven windmills, dominating the hillside and competing with Little Venice for your affection. Built in the 15th-16th centuries they were used to mill wheat for wealthy families (and the poor folks ate whatever crumbs were left on the floor - trickle down economics in its crude form). The mills ceased operation in the middle of the 20th century, when people around the world started replacing whole grains for Twinkies. There’s a small museum in Boni’s mill.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.mykonostraveller.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: mykonos
DAY 2: (Mykonos - South Coast)
South Coast BEACHes
With so many beaches to choose from and so few days of vacation, having to choose just one or two beaches and not getting there in time for oceanfront chair views can leave you in need of another vacation (or a double dose of your daily medication). Starting from the southwestern coast, Ornos Beach is a good option for families as it offers watersports and expeditions, many restaurants and amenities, and doesn’t really attract many nudists, ideal if you don’t want to expose your impressionable kid to the horrors of geriatric genitalia. Moving right along is Psarou Beach, similar to Ornos Beach but more expensive, a good option for avoiding the “rowboat and ferry” crowd. You can combine it with the neighboring Platis Gialos Beach, considered by some to be the best all-around beach in Mykonos, with the added bonus of offering a boat taxi, that takes you to some of the further off beaches, such as Paraga, Paradise and Super Paradise. Paradise is known as the party beach and most accommodating to gay and nudist beachgoers (or whatever else you’re into). Super Paradise is like Paradise on steroids when it comes to the quality of the water and sand, but as you can imagine, it gets busy because who wouldn’t select which beach to go based on name alone.
Suggested duration: 6-8 hours. Visit www.mykonosbeachesguide.com for more information.
bonus: mykonos farmers
Most people know Mykonos for its beach scene, but not many people know about its thriving cheese scene. At Mykonos Farmers, you can sample the best of cheeses that Mykonos has to offer (and inevitably take multiple pounds of it back to your hotel room, for further “research”) If you want to learn how to make your own cheese (said no one ever but now that you mention it, why not) Mykonos Farmers offers workshops on sourcing the best quality ingredients and on making cheese that’s free of any additives or chemicals, a skill which will no doubt take you far, if not in life at least in the kitchen, and for bragging rights at any dinner parties.
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.mykonosfarmers.com for reservations and more information.
MYKONOS NIGHTLIFE
If a semi-muscular, possibly tattooed guy with slicked-back but balding hair tells you he’s spending Spring Break in Mykonos with a glazed-eye smile and a subtle nod while extending his fist for you to bump you know he’s not really there to fill up on Vitamin D as much as he’s there to fill up on Vitamin A for excessive amounts of Alcohol, or Vitamin S for excessive amounts of unprotected Sexual intercourse with strangers, preferably both. Of course, it’s more than possible to have a good time, while maintaining some semblance of your dignity, but Mykonos is just one of those places that might bring out your inner prostitute; just come prepared. The nightlife is focused around two major zones: Chora and Paradise Beach. Chora is more low-key but still packs a sucker punch right in the liver, especially with the gay or the “not gay but just happen to be grabbing a drink at a gay bar while wearing assless chaps” crowd. If you’re one of those semi-muscular glazed-eye EDM bros, you’ll feel most in your element at Paradise Beach, with three major nightclubs, featuring some of the best EDM “talent” in the world along with open-air views, and way overpriced drinks. If you’re looking for smaller crowds (aka you forgot or were too cheap to reserve the table in advance and/or got turned away at the door thinking you were cool enough to get in without multiple female escorts) Super Paradise Beach is the best backup option.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Mykonos
DAY 3: (Mykonos - North)
armenistis lighthouse
It was decided to build a lighthouse on Mykonos in 1891 after an English ship crashed into the north bank of the island at night, killing 11 of its crew members. (If arriving at night, keep going until you hear a loud thud and half of your crew has died - that’s how you know you’ve arrived). The house next to the lighthouse houses past and present lighthouse keepers (a job you never knew existed before now but are suddenly prepared to leave your job and family for) and their families (Please adopt me. I’m desperate). The lighthouse doesn’t even use petrol since 1982 so the lighthouse keeper’s only job is literally flipping a switch at night to turn on the light (if you turn on your closet light out of fear of ghosts, you have more than experience required for the job). It’s literally the easiest job ever; too bad the keeper job is for life, so unless the keeper happens to have a “little accidental tumble” down the hill, don’t get your hopes up. Maybe if you ask nice enough, they’ll take you as an intern (will work for views).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.gomykonos.guide for opening times and more information.
bonus: monastery of panagia Tourliani
Take a 20 minute drive inland to ask the Virgin Mary, or Panagia protector of the island, for her protection (or just ask in place, as the divine, if it exists, is all around us). Tourliani either refers to the port of Tourlos, where a floating statue of Virgin Mary is said to have washed ashore (though sculptures don’t float unless they’re made in China, in which case, is not something to get all worked up about), or it refers to a nun named Tourlis, who served at the temple that predated this monastery, a rare dedication that does not involve hallucinating a deity. The first monastery was built in 1542 by two monks who landed on Mykonos seeking refuge from feared pirate Barbarossa (shiver me timbers!). They dedicated the church to the Virgin probably out of desperation for protection, and it worked (pirates tend to gravitate toward a good wench rather than toward virgins). The church was eventually plundered in 1662 (perhaps Mary had “loosened up” a bit over the century) but was eventually restored to the monastery you see today in 1767.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.gomykonos.guide for more information.
North coast Beaches
While the average Mykonos tourist won’t ever see the north coast of the island due to its dearth of overpriced drinks, EDM music (and the most basic amenities), that puts you (the above average tourist) in a great position to reap the benefit of other people’s small-mindedness. Panormos is the most developed of the options, with plenty seats, clean sand and a bar (no, not multiple bars; how many damn bars do you need?) Further east, on the innermost point of the bay of Panormos, is Ftelia Beach, with bohemian vibes and restaurant (with non bohemian prices unfortunately) overlooking the bay. If you’re looking for something further off the beaten path, look no further (literally you’ve gone far enough) than Fokos Beach, free of crowds or amenities so BYO EDM playlist.
Suggested duration: 4-6 hours. Visit www.mykonos-secrets.com for more information.