DAY 1: (Guadalajara)
monumento a los ojos
Built by Spanish artist Federico Diaz Falcon in the late 1960’s, the “Monument to the Eyes” probably exists solely to creep you out, especially given its position in the woods and the relative lack of visitors, but beyond its “Blair Witch but with artistic talent vibes,” there’s plenty of symbolism to ascertain from closer inspection of the bell-tower like structures adorned with hand-drawn plates, all revolving around the theme of eyes. If you need the symbolism spelled out for you, the original inscriptions read “Welcome to Ojoslandia. Thanks for visiting us. Among the trees you will a tributary of peace and hope.” So far so good. Not sure if “The Land of Eyes” is the most welcoming name, but we’ll give you a pass. “Blessed are those who donate their eyes and the blind because they will see God and the universe.” Okay, I didn’t sign up to give away my eyes, but I like the overall message. “He who donates his blood, his money and his heart will possess the Earth and the universe.” If its beginning to seem like the beginning of a horror movie where the spirit of Falcon follows you home and waits for you to fall asleep so he can kill you and harvest all your organs you’re not alone in that thinking, but you already crossed underneath the portal and your fate is set in stone so you may as well take your time appreciating each of the 200 tiles handmade by local artists Miguel Gimento and Rafael Garcia Bodas, his image painted into a tile on the right tower (or that’s his soul trapped in the tile and the missing tiles are the souls that follow you home).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
ROUTE OF THE FACES
At the crossroad of art and nature lies this collaboration between Spanish landscaper Eulogio Reguillo and sculptor Jorge Juan Maldonado, culminating in a land-art garden probably meant to inspire, but in light of the last stop, ends up feeling rather like a continuation of your innocent vacation turned horror film. The intentions were good, with sculptures inspired by Indian gods and religious symbols, none of which will shield you from the evils that await. But it’s only a mile long. What could go horribly wrong?
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.turismocastillalamancha.es for more information.
CIVICA
What looks like the remains of an ancient civilization that vanished from the earth without a trace is actually the painstaking work of local Spanish priest Don Aurelio over the course of the 1960’s (on a decade-long hallucinogen bender no doubt). He and church volunteers would come here after mass to carve doors and passageways out of the soft rock (as if mass wasn’t grueling enough). To their credit, they did build a bar on the first floor, so it seems like they were just building an elaborate after-mass man-cave but the structure (like all the pet projects you’ve ever started in your life) was never finished and later completely abandoned. It’s now closed off (bar included) due to overgrowth and collapses but you can stand outside and pour one out to honor this labor of love.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
castilo de zafra (AWD REQUIRED FOR ACCESS, EXTERIOR ONLY)
Built in the 12th century on the foundations of a Visigoth and later Moorish fortification, this castle/fortress occupied an important defensive position in the Kingdom of Aragon against those ever-encroaching good for nothing Castilians. (at least that’s how they would’ve been described by those from Aragon at the time). It was really the lord of Molina, the realm surrounding this castle, who instigated the Castilians by letting his reach exceed his grasp and encroaching on the lands of nearby Castile aligned lords in 1222. Once other Aragon-aligned lords started joining in the fun, fun being encroaching on Castilian lands, and attempting to overthrow Castilian king Fernando III in favor of Alfonso IV of Leon, Fernando decided he’d had enough, marching to conquer Zafra and then Aragon. The lord of Molina, and of Zafra, who started this whole thing, fled the fortress right away (some lord he was), but even so Fernando still couldn’t capture Zafra because there was literally no way to get upstairs in the castle (or at least it was hidden from plain sight). Probably because he wasted so much energy trying to seize Zafra, Fernando had to settle for a treaty with the lord of Molina in which the lord was allowed to keep the castle but his daughter, the castle’s heiress, had to marry Fernando’s son, and so, the castle would eventually pass to Castile, thus restoring peace at the border (except for that heiress’s likely tumultuous domestic life but women didn’t count as people back then). The fortress came under attack again during the 14th century Castilian Civil War when Henry III of Castile decided to gift the castle to a French ally, causing the people of Molina to rebel (that was supposed to be my castle, probably thought every local commoner at the time) and invited Peter IV of Aragon to rule them instead, the equivalent of appealing to a different parent, but on a monarchic scale. A short battle and stalemate left the castle in the hands of Peter, who gifted it to an ally of his instead (not sure how this allayed the commoners’ anger, but they were probably too stupid to remember what they were fighting for and just went back home after quenching their simple-minded bloodlust). Luckily for the Castilians, the castle passed back to them again through marriage (the ace up their sleeve). Unfortunately they didn’t learn any lessons from the last time around and decided to gift it to an ally sparking yet another rebellion. This conflict however coincided with the unification of Aragon and Castile under the Catholic Monarchs, Ferdinand and Isabella, in 1479. (historical spoiler alert: the church always wins in the end). Because there was no border to protect, Zafra lost its relevance and fell to ruin (it looks cooler that way anyway), only recently coming back into the spotlight after being featured in Game of Thrones in the flashback to Ned Stark’s past (he probably should’ve stayed here, and not because it’s so idyllic). Not that you’ll get to see the interior, but it’s divided into four parts: entrance tower, courtyard, place of arms, and lord’s tower. If you’re thinking about sneaking in, just remember, even Fernando’s army could not figure it out. You’re better off trying to figure out how to get in touch with the castle’s current landowners or just appreciating it from a distance. The castle is hard enough to get to as it is, at the end of a long dirt road, preferably traversed with all wheel drive.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.turismocastillalamancha.es for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT near: guadalajara
DAY 2: (Cuenca)
Parque Natural de la Serranía de Cuenca
This is a place where rivers are born (literally), from which they flow out to great lengths, reaching their full potential (don’t expect any semblance of success from your children - they’ll just end up disappointing you). This is a place where rocks come to life (not literally, as far as we know, we’re not sticking around after dark to find out, that’s for sure). This is a place where the devil him- (or her) self has the best view in the park, and the saint somehow gets shafted with a single albeit picturesque waterfall; it pays to sin.
Visit www.turismocastillalamancha.es for more information.
nacimiento del rio cuervo
The “Birth of the Crow River” (mommy how are rivers born?) is less graphic, more scenic than it sounds. The water flows down through moss-covered limestone stalactites to form a tapestry of water, even prettier when frozen in the winter. Depending on the strength of flow, you can even see little caverns behind the water (definitely trolls in there). Due to the high altitude, there’s a unique microclimate going on here, with trees of lime, maple, and hazelnut. Blend these three into a smoothie for the perfect start to your morning assuming you don’t pick from the wrong tree and die of poison. Now that would be a recipe for disaster.
Duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.turismocastillalamancha.es.
bonus: nacimiento del rio tajo
There are lots of rivers being born in Spain (they don’t believe in birth control apparently). This river extends all the way until Lisbon, Portugal believe it or not (you never know how far the conspiracy goes with climate change deniers or flat earthers). The start of the river is marked with statues that personify the river (“I’m nothing like that,” objects the river) which includes a bull with star (“Such a good bull! You get a star”) a gentleman (only because he can’t move) and a chalice (if the gentleman could move he’d go straight for the chalice and then so much for a gentleman; take refuge on the three mile Alto Tajo trail.)
Duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.turismocastillalamancha.es.
cascada del molino de san pedro
Not every waterfall has to give birth to a river to have value (if the river doesn’t want children, that's the river’s decision alone, please respect its decision and stop bothering it; leave it alone okay?) There’s more to life than children such as seeking inner peace, which you will do and probably find, whether you like it or not at this picturesque waterfall surrounded by lush greens. If you need a real jolt to awaken you from your inner slumber, the transparent water beckons, especially on a summery day.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
los callejones de las majadas
With arches, bridges and tunnels carved naturally out of lime-stone rock through erosion “the passageways of Las Majadas” are nature in its most whimsical state (unless a rock collapses on you and you die - that wouldn’t be very whimsical would it) It has been used and it still sometimes used as a sheep stables (makeshift petting zoo!) and was briefly featured in the James Bond film The World is Not Enough, a film which was not good to bring an uptick in visitors here - you’ll still have it to yourself.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
ventano del diablo
The best view of the park can be had here, at the “window of the devil” though you can easily imagine the devil quitting his evil ways with this awesome view, but you could also imagine him getting bored of the view after awhile then going back to his evil ways. So too, it might just inspire you to live your best life until you get home and inevitably squander it all away on drugs. But at least for this moment you have some hope - it’s moments like this that keep you going through the slog of life.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
la ciudad encanatada
Like Los Callejones, this “enchanted city” was created by rain eating away at porous rock over time. It’s a great place for a game of shapes, akin to pareidolia (seeing shapes in clouds), or if you just don’t like to play games (in touring or in dating) you can skip the foreplay and just read the labels of the rock, with shapes such as a mushroom, a face, a pair of lovers and various animals (you would’ve never guessed hippopotamus).
Duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.ciudadencantada.es for info.
cuenca
When this region was captured by Muslims in 714, they immediately realized its potential as a future stronghold and thus started building Kunka, which became a prosperous textile-producing city (fashion never goes out of fashion). Unfortunately the hold of the city wasn’t strong enough, and it was captured in 1080 by Alfonso VI of Leon and Castile, whose hold on the village was even weaker, surrendering it to the Muslim king of Seville, Al-Mu’Tamid, only six years later. You would think they’d be fighting over the land because of religious differences (Hey you! We worship the same God! Let’s be enemies.) and yet the Muslim stronghold was under constant attack from the Almoravids, another Muslim sect. This forced al-Mu’tamid to send his daughter to Alfonso to beg for military support in exchange for Cuenca (you have to be really desperate to send your daughter as a messenger to that king that you just defeated). Fortunately, Alfonso was a man of honor, just not a man of any military prowess, as his short-lived reign over Cuenca should’ve indicated - his assistance didn’t make a difference and Cuenca was taken by the Almoravids in 1108. They declared the independence of Cuenca and all of Murcia from the rest of Iberia in 1145 and their king Muhammed ruled over all of Cuenca, Murcia and Valencia, as far as the eye could see (“what about that shadowy place,” his spoiled son probably asked. You have more land than you can handle, son). However, the kingdom was under constant attack, from yet another Muslim sect, the Almohads. Muhammed defended the kingdom successfully until his death when his son (who just couldn’t wait to be king mostly because he didn’t know about the everyday stresses involved) decided to just pay tribute the Almohads. This gamble eventually paid off when Alfonso VIII tried to capture Cuenca at the age of 17 (around the time the average 17 year old thinks about moving out of his parent’s house, for comparison sake), laying siege to Cuenca for five months. And he would’ve gotten away with it too, had it not been for those damn Almohads who intervened Gandalf-style and sent young Alfonso fleeing for the hills (the Muslim king of Cuence: “glad I called that guy!). Alfonso signed a seven year treaty with the king of Cuenca, lasting until the Almoravids tried encroaching on Christian land (big mistake). Alfonso banded together with Ferdinand II of Leon and Alfonso II of Aragon to lay seige to Cuenca once again. The Almoravids sought help again from their Muslim frenemies the Almohads, but the Almohad commander was “busy in Africa” (jungle fever) and unable to come to the phone right now and so Cuenca came to be Christian once again in 1177. It suffered economically when textile-production was made illegal by Carlos IV so as not to compete with the Royal Tapestry Factory (fashion war!) but recovered some of its former glory through timber production (not as sexy as textiles but everyone needs railroads - cries self to sleep at night). Cuenca also suffered physical destruction at the hands of Napoleon, Carlist troops (Third Carlist War) and General Franco (Spanish Civil War) finally recovering due to tourism, the sexiest industry of all. The town is known primarily for its Hanging Houses of Cuenca, which takes living on the edge to a whole new and regrettable level; be sure to get a view of them from outside of town as well as inside - the houses are now home to the Spanish Abstract Art Museum, which depending on your view of abstract art, might be worth a look. Don’t miss Cathedral of Cuenca, built immediately after the capture of Cuenca from the Muslims (the equivalent of planting a flag albeit a very complex and expensive one). Take a walk across the gorge on the “fear of bridge-collapse with you on it” inducing Saint Paul Bridge. Now that you’re on the other side you might as well stay the night at the monastery turned Parador Hotel, or anywhere else really except for those hanging houses.
STAY THE NIGHT NEAR: cuenca
DAY 3: ()
canon de talayuelas
A short one-mile hike through a forest takes you to a hidden canyon, filled with unique geological formations, the result of erosion over time due to water and air, the distant relatives of the hoodoos in Bryce Canyon, Utah. (“I didn’t know we had cousins in Spain - I’ve always wanted to go to Spain, maybe I can stay with them for a week or three.) Take caution though: the rocks are about as physically stable as you are mentally stable, so don’t wander from the path. Though given your instability, it’s no use warning you.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours.
salto de la novia
The “waterfall of the girlfriend” may as well be renamed “the waterfall of the Instagram girlfriend” because that’s exactly what you’ll find upon your visit, though the name is actually derived from a legend told of lovers who would come here to jump over this gap at the top of the fall, in front of their families and friends as a public proclamation of love (when vows just aren’t good enough) which was symbolic for the risk, and the chances taken in marriage (plus the stupidity of it all, and high divorce rates.) Thus, it was bound to happen that something would go horribly wrong, as it did for one girlfriend, who slipped and lost footing, then drowned in a whirlpool; her boyfriend tried to save her and drowned as well (well that escalated quickly said the wedding guests). For what it’s worth it’s said that they loved each so much in that moment that their deaths preserved the peak of their love for all eternity, as opposed to facing the slow degradation of love over time and settling into the role of Instagram couple.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.navajas.es for more information.
BONUS: coves de sant josep
You can call this cave system Triassic Park because it was formed over 250 million years ago in the Triassic Period (though most people will want their money back, having stupidly thought it would be filled with dinosaurs). There are several references to this cave having been explored in pre modern times during the traditional “Fiesta de las Flores” in which daring people would venture into the cave, whereas now it’s well lit and developed into an amusement park (so bravery not required - perfect for the average tourist). What follows is a scenic boat ride through the longest navigable subterranean river in all of Europe at a known length of 1.5 miles. It might not seem long but the source of the river and cave has never been found; you can extend your trip, indefinitely.
Average duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.covesdesantjosep.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
miau
Part of an initiative to combat depopulation in the small village of Fanzara, the locals voted to invite artists from around the world to “add color” to their lives, literally, by painting murals all over the walls of the village. It’s not really going to get people relocating here but it definitely makes this otherwise forgettable town worth a visit and it sure beats the town’s initial proposal to build a toxic waste incinerator (which would’ve been pretty much the opposite of livening things up) The artists live here on an all expense paid residency until their works are complete (then buy a house or get the hell out). All the works are completed in collaboration with a committee of residents lest their completed works do not reflect the spirit of the town (otherwise it’d be filled with satanic murals).
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours.