DAY 1: ()
museo del prado
Part one of Madrid’s “golden triangle of art,” Museo del Prado was founded in 1819 starting with a collection of 300 paintings from the Spanish royal collection, becoming one of the most visited art museums in the world, with over 2,000 paintings today. When it was commissioned by Charles II it was originally intended to be a natural history museum (bones are great and all but it’s safe to say they made the right choice). It wasn’t until the reign of his grandson Ferdinand VII that it was decided, at the suggestion of his wife Queen Maria Isabel to make it into an art museum (yes honey, whatever you say honey). The name “prado” means meadow because the space where the museum was built used to be a beautiful meadow. Ironically, the only meadows you’ll find in Madrid presently are among the landscape paintings in this museum, the most famous of which is Hieronymus Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights, depicting a pretty fun-looking party (show up right when the second triptych starts but bounce before the third triptych). At least they had a good time before they died, unlike the subjects of Brueghel the Elder’s Triumph of Death. If you needed further evidence that pleasure precipitates death, look no further than the progression between Titian’s works, Bacchanal and The Fall of Man. Ruben’s The Three Graces reminds you to be comfortable in your own body, no matter what shape you are (literally, doesn’t matter how many ass-rolls you have). Don’t miss the celebrated pairs Adam and Eve by Durer or David and Goliath (or Adam and Steve) by Caravaggio. Goya likes gratuitous nudity (La Maja Vestida and La Maja Desnuda) and gratuitous violence (Third of May 1808), making him the Tarantino of his time, culminating with his masterpiece (if you can call it that) Saturn Devouring His Son - no parent should have to devour their own child. If that wasn’t enough masterpieces, Prado even had Picasso’s Guernica display for a time (the one that got away) before handing it over to the nearby Reina Sofia so they could focus on painting from the 1800’s and earlier (picky picky) - what could’ve been a concise art tour turns into a multi-museum experience, but that’s why you’re in Madrid.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.museodelprado.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
Bonus: Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum
The second museum of the “golden triangle of art,” the Thyssen-Bornemisza serves as a supplement to both the classical Prado and the modern Reina Sofia (the spiteful middle child of the three) with a collection of lesser-known works by well-known names. The collection was started in the 1920’s by Swiss Baron Heinrich Thyssen-Bornemisza, who relieved American millionaires of their precious artwork during the harsh times of the Great Depression (must’ve been tough to not know where your next painting was coming from). The collection was expanded by his son Baron Hans Heinrich, who married Miss Spain 1961 Carmen “Tita” Cervera, who urged Hans to house his collection in this once empty building near the Prado (yes honey, whatever you say honey). Among the noteworthy pieces are Durer’s Jesus Among the Doctors (which one does not belong?), Ruben’s Venus and Cupid (please put on some pants Cupid, your ass-rolls are showing), Degas’ Swaying Dancer (you can’t help but imagine Patrick Swayze is in there) Manet’s Horsewomen (a much more flattering depiction than it sounds), Cezanne’s Seated Man (a good description for the many men dragged to museum against their will) and further works by El Greco, Caravaggio, Van Gogh, Gaugin, Klee, Picasso, Kooning, Hopper, and Lichtenstein, whose less-known works, like the middle child of museums, just need some love to reach their potential.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museothyssen.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: museo naval
The Naval Museum of Spain brings to life the conquests of the Spanish Navy from the 15th century to the present, an impressive resume that includes the discovery of the Americas. The collection of paintings, weapons, and ship models really make you want to leave your desk job and go off in search of undiscovered territory, only to realize that all territories have been discovered and also you have no navigation skills, leading your crew to mutiny, and throw you overboard. The highlight of the museum is a map of Juan de la Cosa, the earliest preserved map of Americas (it’s a really rough draft - “that looks nothing like me,” says America) The museum also has a piece of moon rock from the Apollo 17 mission - not sure what that has to with the Navy, but pretty cool nevertheless (it’s the closest you’ll ever get to the moon - you’re never going to leave that desk job). The descriptions are mostly written in Spanish (the museum equivalent of a picture book); you can breeze through the museum faster than a ship in windfall.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.armada.mde.es for opening times and more information.
Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofía
The third and final stop on Madrid’s “golden triangle of art” tour is the Reina Sofia, inaugurated as a modern art museum in 1992, and named after Queen Sofia. Originally built as a centralized hospital under the reign of Philip II, the building was literally known as General Hospital (unlike the soap opera there was likely a lot less social back-stabbing and much more people succumbing to actual back stabbing, considering the lack of modern medicine in the 16th century). Of course you’re here to see Picasso’s famed work Guernica, depicting the bombing of Guernica by Axis powers during World War II (only in the abstract form can you show a man and horse dismembered, and it still be considered beautiful), and noted works by Miro, Klee, Dali, and Picasso-like Juan Gris.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.museoreinasofia.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: greenhouse atocha
Most people hate their commute to work, but it’s hard for the residents of Madrid to complain about their commute, especially after the installation of this 4,000 square foot tropical garden in Atocha, the largest train station in Madrid. With fish and turtle-filled pond and adjacent food court it’s the perfect setting to for a family of vampires to have a picnic without having to worry about direct sun exposure. Even if you’re not a vampire it makes a great place to unwind after a long day of museum hopping.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
retiro park
Assuming you’re not a vampire (“enough with vampire jokes!” laughs nervously, wipes blood off mouth) you’d probably prefer to spend your leisure time outdoors, in this “park of pleasant retreat,” as the Spanish monarchs did on this once private property. Commissioned in 1630, Retiro was designed by Italian Cosimo Lotti, who worked with Bernardo Buontalenti in the Boboli Gardens; it was intended to give the monarch, Philip IV at the time, a place of retreat that rivaled the villas of the nobles of Rome (I want a villa just like the nobles of Rome daddy and I want one now). The completed Buen Retiro Palace and park was considered as the culmination of the Renaissance in Spain, “the world art wonder,” during a time that Spain was one of the most powerful countries in the world. Unfortunately, it was highly neglected after the death of Philip IV in 1665 (it’s just not that same without you) but was restored when it opened to the public in 1767, though the palace didn’t survive the ensuing Peninsular War with the French in 1807. The focal point of the park is the Estanque del Retiro, the artificial pond once used to stage naval battles for Philip IV, now stages the modern equivalent of naval battles (playful splashing), and common mating ritual of rowing a boat with your newfound lover. The garden, La Rosaleda, is best in May, but still worth an off-season visit for the impressive Fountain of the Fallen Angel; inspired by John Milton’s Paradise Lost, it’s the only known public statue of Satan (in a reversal of beliefs, conservative: “it should be taken down, Satan is the deceiver of mankind,” liberal: “are we just going to erase history?”) If you ever wondered what London’s Crystal Palace looked like when it was still standing, look no further than Palacio Crystal which now serves as an art gallery. Go for a walk down Paseo de la Estatuas flanked by statues depicting Spanish royals to feel like a royal yourself. Finally, check out the Jardines de Cecilio Rodriguez, which is pretty enough in itself, but things really go to the next level when you’re in the presence of peacocks.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
dolmen de dali
Salvador Dali debuted this statue in 1886 as a tribute to his wife (not sure if she took kindly to the surrealist depiction of her), the same woman who wouldn’t let him into their summer home Castle of Pubol, without her express written consent and that’s after he built it for her. Either he cheated on her but tried to make it up to her with lavish artistic creations or she was just a huge bitch but was good in bed. (She also “accidentally” poisoned him.) What he saw in her we don’t know; an answer may lie in the statue.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
plaza de toros
Madrid’s long-standing bull-fighting arena was completed in 1931, representing a surge in the popularity of the sport at the time, if you can call animal-sacrifice a sport. It was actually more competitive back then and the matadors, or bullfighters, actually had a solid chance of dying. Nowadays, the bulls are drugged up and basically look like drunk cows casually stumbling into a matador’s spear, and yet the crowd still goes wild when the inevitable happens and the bull is killed. (I suppose if people can get riled up at a Nascar event, it sort of makes sense - “look how fast them cars are going, ma!”) It’s one of the few arenas in Spain where it’s legal still to hold bull-fights, and one of the most well known of its kind. You don’t have to partake in the fight (generally held on Sunday evenings) or you can go full-on “when in Spain” and get in on the action (after three of four beers, animal cruelty doesn’t seem so bad). The building is still worth a visit for off-hours, a prime example of neo-Mudejar architecture, like Barcelona’s La Monumental.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: madrid
DAY 2: ()
national archaeological museum
Commissioned in 1867 by Isabella II, the MAN houses mostly Spanish artifacts from prehistoric to early-modern times, including the 4th century Lady of Elche and Lady of Baza (prehistory ladies represent!), the 5th century Bull of Osuna and Mausoleum of Pozo Moro, the oldest known grave of the Iberian peninsula, with four lions around it probably to keep it in its place for eternity (you had one job), and the Treasure of Guarrazar, a monetary pledge of loyalty from the Visigoth kings to the Roman Catholic church - they were most likely just looking for a verbal pledge of allegiance, but even the church won’t say no to free treasures.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.man.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
paseo de recoletos
Built in the late 18th century, this noteworthy pedestrian boulevard originally ended at the Puerta de Recoletos, a Baroque gate that was built to fend off Napoleon’s troops during the Peninsular War, but Napoleon, ever the genius, simply directed his army around the gate and conquered Madrid the next day. If only the street were lined with an endless series of water fountains and cafes, as it is today, perhaps that would have stopped Napoleon in his tracks - nobody can say say no to breakfast in this park.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
estacio museo - chamberi
One of the eight original Madrid metro stations opening in 1919, Chamberi was intricately designed by Antonio Palacios to appeal to the senses of people who may not have been afraid to wait for the subway in a dark and confined space. (Nowadays we have no qualms about waiting for the subway next to a shouting schizophrenic while standing in a puddle of urine.) This station had to close when the subways expanded in number of train cars and Chamberi couldn’t accommodate it, leaving it sealed off from the outside world, like a time capsule from a time where riding the subway inspired you with technological fascination as opposed to modern concerns about getting stabbed. It finally reopened as a museum in 2008, to further preserve it in all of its original glory.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
museo sorolla
The work and collections of artist Joaquin Sorolla are left on display in his former home in pretty much the same way that he left it all before he passed away, which lends a haunting, yet inspiring quality to the atmosphere of this museum. It was established at the request of his widow, in his honor. (She must’ve loved him, unlike Dali’s wife, or she just didn’t want to sort through all his stuff.)
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.culturaydeporte.gob.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: museo de lazaro galdiano
The former residence of Lazaro Galdiano, built in 1903, still houses his impressive collection of art, manuscripts and many leather bound books that smell of rich mahogany. The building itself is a work of art too, richly decorated, with Baroque ceiling paintings as the literal cherry on top. With paintings by Bosch, Goya and El Greco adorning the walls, Galdiano left behind a nice collection; too bad he couldn’t take it with him. (If you could take your things, death wouldn’t be too bad - at least a carry-on would be nice).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.flg.es for opening times and more information.
Museo giominero
With a collection of minerals and fossils native to the Iberian peninsula (the skull of señor Tyrannosaurus beckons), the Museo Giominero shines brighter than most geology museums, literally, because of the massive glass roof that allows natural light to illuminate the 250 specimens on display. The presentation almost makes you want to study geology (not actually, but almost).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.igme.es for opening times and more information.
obelisco de la caja
Built in 2009, this towering obelisk was commissioned by Caja Madrid, the oldest savings bank in Spain (money is no object, literally.) in commemoration of their 300th year of operation. Designed by Santiago Calatrava, it was inspired by Romania’s Column of Infinity and is supposed to undulate periodically, but hasn’t done so since 2011, due to high operation cost, (you’d assume a bank would know to spend within its means). It still makes a nice photo op with the leaning Gate of Europe behind.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
estadio santiago bernabeu
The home of professional football club Real Madrid since 1947, Santiago Bernabeu is named after the club president at the time of its founding and has a capacity to accommodate 81,000 rabid fans (seriously they have a mild form of rabies). Bernabeu has also played host to four UEFA Champions League games, as well as the 1982 Fifa World Cup, and served as the home field for some of the most respected names in the sport’s history, such as Raul, Zinedine Zedane (whose head-butt was the stuff of legends), Sergio Ramos, Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema, and that other guy… what’s his name? Oh yeah! CRISTIANO RONALDO who is not only super talented but attractive enough to be in a boy band if he really wanted to. An honorary mention to the goalkeeper Casillas. Tending the goal isn’t the sexiest part of the game, and he probably doesn’t get as many women as Ronaldo but someone has got to do it.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.realmadrid.com for tickets, schedule and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: madrid
DAY 3: ()
puerta de toledo
Completed in 1827, Puerta de Toledo marked one of the 19 entrances into Madrid at a time when it was surrounded by walls under the reign of Philip IV in the 17th century and beyond (to keep out those drug-dealing and rapist Toledanos just south of the border with Madrid). The arch was commissioned by Joseph Bonaparte, brother of Napoleon and King of Spain, who was deposed just a year later, but construction continued under the returning Fernando VII, who made the arch his own by having his return depicted atop the arch (do I look triumphant enough?) Now, you may enter Madrid freely (just watch out for those job-stealing Toledanos).
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
el rastro
On Sundays or holidays, this plaza is packed to the brim with over 1,000 stalls, selling junk that people don’t need, and thousands more people who aren’t aware of that fact though it’s a nice place for souvenirs. The market gets its name from the “trail” left by dead animals carcasses dragging in dirt on the way to get fleeced. Try not to get fleeced yourself; shop around for the best deal.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
plaza mayor
Commissioned by King Phillip II in 1561, this plaza wasn’t actually constructed until 1619, during the reign of his son Phillip II, a chip off the old block (literally and figuratively) who is depicted in the statue at center of plaza. The plaza and surrounding structures have burnt down multiple times, which is quite impressive considering how big the square is (they don’t make fires like they used to). Plaza Mayor is considered by many to be the heart of Madrid which makes sense with the adjacent El Rastro being the city’s clogged artery. It has served a wide range of purposes over the eras from the site of public executions to the site of a Christmas market (a wide range indeed). It now hosts stamp and coin collecting markets every Sunday for the complete nerds among you.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
PUERTA del sol
Also considered to be the heart of Madrid (you can’t have multiple hearts, pick one), Puerta del Sol is technically the center of all roads in Madrid, marked by the Kilometro Zero plaque (making a better case for heart of Madrid status). Originally one of many medieval gates to enter Madrid, Sol was named for its eastward view of the sunrise and served as an important place for people to meet and spread news as well as rumors from near and far. (OMG, did you hear what happened to Stacy?) It is now the site of some noteworthy monuments, including the Statue of Charles III, known as “the mayor-king” (mayor/king, and not the other way around) and El Oso y el Madrono (bear and strawberry tree) symbol of Madrid. (fierce on the outside but weak for sweets inside)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
san miguel market
Built in 1916, San Miguel is a longstanding market, recently renovated by private investors in 2009. What it now lacks in old world aesthetic, it makes up for in ready-to-eat tapas. With 30 stalls to choose from, your decisions have never been so consequential.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
muralla arabe
The oldest structure in the city, this wall was built in the 9th century, when Muslims owned this town (and the rest of the peninsula for that matter). It was part of a larger fortified complex, commissioned by Muhammad I, considered to be the founder of Madrid, to defend from Christian conquest. The Christians conquested anyway, marking their territory by expanding the circumference of the wall (our wall’s circumference is bigger than yours) renaming it to Christian Wall (for added insult) and eventually building the Royal Palace of Madrid where the Muslim citadel of Mayrit once stood. In effect, they tried to get rid of any evidence of preceding Muslim civilization here, and would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling archaeologist, who found it in 1972.
Suggested duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
catedral de la almudena
The capital of Spain switched from Toledo to Madrid in 1561, leaving the capital city of Madrid without a cathedral (you can’t have a functioning state without the close involvement of church, separation be damned). Unfortunately Spain didn’t have the funds to build it as they spent all their money building new cities abroad (“new world problems”). Construction didn’t begin until 1879 under the direction of Francisco de Cubas in the Gothic Revival style. Halted during the Spanish Civil War, construction resumed with the plans adapted to match the outside of the nearby Royal Palace of Madrid (twinning so hard right now, in the architectural sense). The cathedral wasn’t completed until 1993 when it was consecrated by Pope John Paul II, one of the few consecrated in our times.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
royal palace of madrid
The official residence of the Spanish royal family, the Palacio Real is the largest of all royal residences in Europe with over 3,400 rooms (whatever happens, don’t accept a royal’s invitation to “give you the grand tour”). Built atop the site of the Muslim citadel of Mayrit, the current construction dates back to the mid 18th century; the previous construction was destroyed when fire alarms were mistaken for calls to mass (ignore it!). Many works of art were lost, including Velasquez' Expulsion of the Moors (convenient excuse for erasing history) but many works were also saved such as Velaquez’ Las Meninas (now in Museo del Prado) by tossing them out the windows (a fire is the only time it’s acceptable to touch art, let alone throw it out a window). Despite the “brush” with artistic disaster, the current palace holds a plethora of painting by the likes of Velasquez, Goya and Caravaggio, mostly adorning the walls of the second floor royal apartments (which put your college poster collection to shame). Fortunately, only a few rooms are open to the public (we don’t got all day). Start at the Grand Staircase, which lives up to its name, with a fresco adorned ceiling. Make your way to the Royal Library, filled with rare books that the royals themselves probably never read, (royals, they’re just like us), the Royal Pharmacy (royal drug stash more like it) and the extensive weapon and armor collection in the Royal Armory. Back outside, check out the Sabatini Gardens, (named after the palace’s lead designer) for the best view of the palace with its reflection in the rectangular lake, Plaza de Oriente, lined with statues of Gothic kings, reminiscent of Paseo de la Estatuas in Retiro Park. Last but not least, visit the Campo del Moro Gardens, named after the Moorish leader Ali Ben Yusuf, who camped here in an attempt to recapture the citadel (the attempt failed but hopefully he had a nice time camping). After all that conflict, the Spanish royals don’t even live here anymore. King Alfonso was the last to reside here, to the end of his reign in 1931, brought about by the Proclamation of the Second Republic (Charles III was the first king to live here, in 1764). The current royal family lives at the more modest Palace of Zarzuela (by modest we mean 33,000 sq. feet, if you can even call that living). Make yourself at home while they’re out of town.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit entradas.patrimonionacional.es for tickets, opening times and more information.
remains of the tower of bones & museo de los canos de peral
Built in the 11th century, the Tower of Bones functioned as the lookout tower for the Muslim citadel of Mayrit (the Christians are coming!) before eventually being captured and repurposed as part of a larger Christian fortress. All that remains is the tower’s base, rediscovered in 1996 during the construction of an underground parking lot, where it is still located. There’s not much else there but at least you won’t have trouble finding parking. If you’re really “digging” these ruins, check out the second floor of the nearby Opera Metro Station, which house the remnants of the aqueduct and fountain that once supplied water to Palacio Real.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
church of san antonio de los alemanes
Built in the early 17th century, this church was commissioned by King Phillip III, along with a hostel and a hospital for Portuguese migrants who came to Madrid looking for work (back then, hostels were just a means of cheap accommodation, not for getting crooked and hooking up with strangers, though you can’t rule out the possibility that good times were had). The name of church changed to los Alemanes when Portugal gained independence from Spain (You want independence? Fine but we’re taking away the cheap accommodations to teach you some responsibility - the poor Germans will appreciate what we give to them). Today it serves as a sanctuary and resource for poor of Madrid but is known mostly for its frescos by Luca Giordano and Francisco Ricci. Giardano was known as “Luca fa-presto,” or “Luca finishes fast,” a sign of his efficiency or a subtle dig at his sexual performance.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for opening times and more information.
plaza de espana
A popular tourist stop, Plaza de Espana is most notable for the statue at center, commemorating one of Spain’s most treasured writers, Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, seated behind his most famous characters Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, and flanked by two elevated sculptures of Dulcinea, literally putting p**** on a pedestal, the fastest way to dying alone - just ask Don Quixote.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.
templo de debod
Built around 200 BC near Aswan in northern Egypt, this temple, dedicated to the goddess Isis, was disassembled and reassembled in Spain as a gift for Spain’s assistance in conserving monuments threatened by the 1960 construction of the Aswan High Dam. It’s a very nice gift but Spain must have been really upset when they found out that New York, Amsterdam and Turin also got temples.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.esmadrid.com for more information.