DAY 1: Witty or Just Plain Stupid (Whittier)
HIKING OPTION A: byron glacier trailhead (EASY)
It’s not often you get to see a glacier up close with minimal effort to get there. A relatively-flat, 3.2-mile round trip trek takes you to Byron Glacier, while supplies last. The intrepid (stupid) among you might be tempted to explore the ice caves that form at the foot of the glacier. Sure, the beautiful blue caves make for good Instagram fodder, but it’s not worth your life, as these caves are notoriously unstable, like your marriage, and can collapse on you with the weight of an entire mountain. On a positive note your corpse may be recovered with a spatula by aliens in the future, to study the stupidity that led to the fall of our race and climate.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.fs.usda.gov for operating hours and more information.
anton anderson memorial tunnel
If you’re on the way to Whittier, Alaska, which you will be, whether you like it or not, if you’re following this guide, you’ll be passing through the Anton Anderson Tunnel, named after the chief engineer of the tunnel, which should otherwise been called the “Really Really Ridiculously Long Tunnel,” having the distinction of being the longest highway tunnel in North America. You might bemoan the long wait times of the two-way yet single lane passage, thinking “well, if he was so smart, why didn’t he build another lane, or a second tunnel.” Well… it’s actually a repurposed one-way rail line, and he saved the state eight digits of taxpayer funding under his novel tunnel plan, which is also outfitted with jet-turbines for ventilation. What have you done with your life besides complain?
Average duration: 15-30 minutes. Visit www.whittieralaska.gov for more information.
HIKING OPTION B: portage pass trailhead (EASY)
We’re keeping things relaxed with the hiking difficulty today having exhausted much of our energy waiting to get through the aforementioned Anton Anderson Tunnel. At the far end of the tunnel is the access point for a 4-mile roundtrip hike that brings your attention Portage Glacier, from the scenic vantage point of the Portage Lake Shore. Climate change has created a large lake of a distance keeping us from the accessing the glacier itself, at least affording less opportunity for explorative stupidity.
Average duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.fs.usda.gov for operating hours and more information.
buckner building
At a certain point, you have to question yourself for providing people with ample opportunities to do something stupid. Of course, the smart travelers (you) know what’s reasonably safe to explore as is the case with Whittier’s famous Buckner Building, a relic of WWII-era Alaska. The now abandoned complex was once known as a city within itself, accommodating well over 1,000 personnel of military distinction, complete with a mess hall, movie theater and ample room for hide and seek and other unmonitored hijinks. The fence surrounding the property might serve as a warning, but maybe one of the many graffiti artists who continue to accent the interior can show you a way in before disappearing, leading you to realize you’ve been fooled be a wildly inconsiderate ghost.
Average duration: Forever.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: whittier
DAY 2:
MUST SEE: tern lake pullover
Pullovers are like the fast food drive-throughs of nature, giving you a 2,000 calorie view with minimal caloric expenditure and the Pullover at Tern is no exception. It’s a nice place to see birds, sheep, moose and other things that probably belong on a sandwich.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.campgroundsalaska.com for operating hours and more information.
Must SEE: seward highway
“Another day, another highway,” you comment to yourself, having never previously left your urban refuge before today. In reality, there’s no better way to experience the glory of the Alaskan landscape than from the safe confines of your Cheeto dusted sedan. There will be ample opportunity to stop and explore, as outlined below, but for now, those Cheetos aren’t going to eat themselves.
Visit www.bellsalaska.com for more information.
HIKINg OPTION A: 2 Lake trail
Two lakes for the price of one is a deal you can’t beat, especially given the opportunity to meander through hemlock rainforests. The first lake is teeming with salmon, and the second lake, well, there are no salmon there, not since… the incident. There’s also a quaint picnic area near the parking lot, a missed opportunity for a salmon-centric eatery. In other words, bring your own salmon.
Average duration: 30-60 minutes.
HIKING OPTION B: resurrection river trail (Moderate)
The beauty of this 17 mile trail can be best experienced in the flat terrain of the first four miles, like the exciting phase of a new relationship, while the rest of the trail is uphill, and only brings suffering and heartbreak (I also needed affection, Debbie!) It’s a relative walk in the park through a majestic forest of spruce trees, sweeping river views, and the occasional emotional support beaver. Don’t forget to turn back at Martin Creek or prepare for a rugged uphill battle, filled with bears and alimony payments.
Average duration: 4 hours. Visit www.fs.usda.gov for more information.
Hiking OPTION C: exit glacier trailhead (Easy)
Get up close and personal with the glaciers on this easy 1-2 mile hike, depending on how personal you want to get. Starting at the Exit Glacier Nature Center, follow the Glacier View Loop Trail to the Glacier View itself. If you’re more about Enter Glacier than Exit, the Exit Glacier Overlook Trail takes you right up to the glacier where you’ll see it’s just a huge chunk of ice under all that makeup.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nps.gov for more information.
HIKINg OPTION D: harding icefield trailhead (DIFFICULT)
A strenuous but rewarding trek through the diversity of the Alaskan landscape, Harding Icefield combines all the elements of the above hikes into one journey that is breathtaking, both literally and figuratively. Through forests and meadows you’ll go to reach the end of the trail, a view of ice that stretches as far as the eye can see. From here, you can almost imagine how it would feel to live in the Ice Age, beyond it being really cold, and probably incredibly boring, but exciting enough for the duration of your hiking.
Average duration: 7 hours. Visit www.nps.gov for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Seward or bear creek
DAY 3:
HIKING OPTION A: russian river falls trailhead (EASY)
From two viewing platforms along the Russian River fall-point, watch as sockeye salmon attempt to leap upstream toward their mating pools, a microcosm of the natural barriers to mating shared among all species - if you can’t even swim upstream, swipe left. While the man-made fish ladder lowers the barrier of entry (pun intended), the presence of bears along the riverside prove to be a major cock-block to salmon mating and existence in general, a threat extending to you, should you stray from the path.
Late June and late July are peak mating times but the two mile hike to the falls remain prime natural immersion anytime of the year beyond the extended winter months, and would perhaps be a more PG-friendly experience if you have children in tow and don’t want them to see salmon mating, but are otherwise comfortable watching salmon getting killed as per American customs.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.adfg.alaska.gov for more information.
HIKING OPTION B: kenai river trail (Easy-Moderate)
While there are two options to hike the Kenai River, the Upper Trail has the upper hand both in terms of accessibility and views, though both merge at the hike’s halfway point so you’ll only experience 50% FOMO from missing out on the other trail. The first turnoff point from Skilak Lake Rd starts you off at the Upper Trail, which presents intermittent views of a milky teal water-filled canyon below. Once you reach the stairs descending into the canyon forest, gauge your ability to climb back up the same way toward your origin point, before ultimately deciding you’ve seen enough, and are too old for this, regardless of your actual age. Should you decide to press on, surely you’ll be fit and aware enough to avoid close encounters with the bears that await below.
Average duration: 2-4 hours. Visit www.alaskahikesearch.com for more information.
HIKING OPTION C: skilak lookout trailhead (MOderate)
If you’re not content with the tease of the intermittent, milky-blue water views of Kenai River Trail, Skilak Lookout Trail leaves nothing to the imagination, with stunning views throughout the 4 mile moderate-incline hike. The trail shines brightest in June when the path is flanked by wildflowers, but flowers can’t grow without water, and that means mud. Part of the trail was also damaged by wildfires, but as the saying goes, if you don’t want me at mud and fires you can’t have me at flowers and views.
Average duration: 4 hours. Visit www.alaskahikesearch.com for more information.
do more: kenai national wildlife refuge visitor center
If you’re curious to learn more about what type of bear almost killed you on one of the previous hikes, and what other unseen dangers you might have barely escaped, the Kenai Visitor Center covers all you need to know about the local flora and fauna, with more extensive education through various talks and guided walks, though nature is probably the best teacher - especially for the wildly unprepared. Nevertheless, it’s a good place to start, to plan for more specialized and extensive nature excursions.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.fws.gov for more information.
DO MORE: kenai river viewing platform & sand dunes
It might not seem like much after what you’ve hopefully already seen at today’s previous stops, but the Kenai Viewing Platform offers something that the other places cannot - guaranteed birds or your money back. Well, maybe not your money back, that isn’t the official policy, but maybe you should go into it with a more positive mindset. If you’re not seeing birds here, maybe you should look within… think about the energy you’re putting out to the world - birds can smell a negative Nancy from a mile away.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.kenai.city for more information.
DO MORE: Bishops beach
It’s not often that you can say you had a whole beach to yourself, so you may want to take the opportunity to hike this relatively easy, 4 mile round-trip hike, with a halfway sojourn in your own private loosely-defined paradise. While the water is too cold and dangerous for a swim and there’s no one else here to show off your bikini to, unless you need from validation from an American bald eagle, the sense of tranquility here is unmatched. And if it’s any consolation, the eyesight of eagles is up to 8 times stronger that that of a human; certainly that extends to them having an eye for fashion. Be aware of nip-slips, and the slippery path over.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.cityofhomer-ak.gov for more information.
MUST SEE: Seafarer’s memorial & Memorial “Eagle Lady”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll probably die at sea. A result of the town of Homer relying on commercial fishing, a relatively high percentage of Homer men have met their end in Davy Jones Locker, their names engraved on this memorial, commissioned by a local fisherman Drew Scalzi, a fisherman who lived to tell the tale but only to die of cancer.
Minnesota-transplant Jean Keene fared better, living in Homer to the ripe age of 85, after having spent most of her life ensuring the well-being of local eagles by feeding them scraps of fish. Although feeding eagles has negative environmental effects and is currently off limits, you can’t beat a heartwarming story, even if she left local eagles pissed off with their now unmet expectation.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.alaska.org for more information.
MUST SEE: viewpoint skyline drive
As dusk approaches in this quaint fisherman town, take a drive along this scenic stretch of road, an ideal lookout point for group photos or just taking in a sunset and living in the moment, even though it never actually happened if you didn’t get it on camera.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. www.alaska.org for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT near: HOMER
If continuing to Part 2, stay the night in: Chugach State Park or Whittier, Alaska.
If skipping Part 2, and continuing to Part 3, stay the night in Anchorage, Alaska.