DAY 1: ()
lisbon cathedral
The oldest church in Lisbon and seat of the patriarchate of Lisbon (while the matriarchate is forced to stand), this Roman Catholic church was built beginning in 1147 on the site of a mosque, following the reconquest of Portugal during the Second Crusade (when one just isn’t enough). Lisbon Cathedral is renowned for its architectural and religious significance; its facade is dominated by two prominent bell towers, one of which has a cool old clock (symmetry be damned). Inside the Chapel of the Blessed Sacrament you will find an intricate chandelier and a painting of The Last Supper (not that Last Supper, but still pretty delicious). In the baptistery under the North Tower, marked with 17th century azulejo tiles, is where the popular St. Anthony was baptized back in 1195 (proving that even sainthood is just a popularity contest). You can also find the relics of St Vincent, patron saint of Lisbon and the tombs of King Afonso IV, Joao Anes (Lisbon’s first archbishop), and a random nobleman who’s more famous for a statue of his dog, doting at his feet (he’s dead, you can go now, Sparky). The history buff may also want to check out the excavations in the cloisters which have revealed structures dating back to the 4th century including 5th century ceramics imported from the now extinct Phoenician empire (bye Phoenicia). Like visiting any church, go early to avoid crowds and dress modestly to avoid offending the patriarchate.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.lisbon-tourism.com for opening times and more information.
igreja de santo antonio
Dedicated to St. Anthony of Lisbon (the same St. Anthony who was baptized in the Lisbon Cathedral), this Roman Catholic church was built at the purported site of his birth in 1195 (the real saint is his mother for birthing him). St. Anthony is known in the Catholic faith as the patron saint of “lost things” (if you lose your car keys in the morning, now you know who to pray to). One of the altars inside has an image that’s said to depict his real face (on a good day) and there’s a grand statue of him in the main chapel. If you want a less rosy depiction, you can visit his corpse rotting in the crypts below. We’re all flesh, saints included - just don’t let it show.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.lisbonlisboaportugal.com for opening times and more information.
arco da rua augusta
Built to commemorate the city’s reconstruction after a 1755 earthquake which leveled most major buildings this stone triumphal arch is topped by a statue of Glory, crowning her constituents, the statues of Valor and Genius (or as they’re known colloquially, Hustle and Slick). The statues above the arch represent Portuguese historical figures like explorer Vasco da Gama up on the left. with figures reclining sexually on both sides somehow representing the rivers Tagus and Douro; strike a pose on a nearby bench.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for more information.
praca do comercio
Also known as Terreiro do Paco, after the palace that stood here until the 1755 earthquake, this commercial plaza is known for its grand scale and the central statue of King Jose I, known for his love of opera and hunting (make art and war). It’s also the scene of the assassination of Carlos I and his heir to the throne in 1908 by two members of the Republican party (taking dirty politics to a whole new level). You can still see the steps that predate the 1755 earthquake on the banks of the Tagus, to welcome dignitaries arriving by boat directly into the palace (so they don’t have to see any poor people). Walk up the steps, pretend you’re important.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
lisboa story center
Chronicling the history of Portugal, this interactive museum doesn’t just teach you history, it takes you back in time (or as close you can get to going back in time without dying of smallpox) through a sprawling multimedia arrangement including narration, films, and models (not those kind of models, sorry guys). The museum is organized chronologically in order of events, including the discovery of the New World and the 1755 earthquake and subsequent reconstruction (if you rebuild it the tourists will come), as well as a view of the Praca do Comercio (you are here) through the years, including the 1980’s, when it was just a parking lot (everyone had an awkward phase). Get yourself up to speed on Portugese history so you can pretend to know what’s going on.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.lisboastorycentre.pt for opening times and more information.
Miradouro de Santa Luzia
There are many “miradouros” in Lisbon, viewpoints from which you can catch a scenic view of the city, but the terraces don’t get much better than this, surrounded by decorative tiles, a garden and pond. Not sure who Santa Luzia was but she knew her views.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for more information.
BONUS: history of lisbon mural
If you can peel your eyes off another amazing view of the city, at Miradouro das Portas do Sol, and follow the signs to the public toilets without turning back for probably legitimate fears of getting mugged, you’ll be treated a hidden gem of a mural, the work of comic strip illustrator Nuno Saraiva, illustrating the history of Lisbon from its founding times to modern day. Comic fans might be disappointed due to a lack of Batman, but it’s a neat, colorful summary of what you hopefully learned at Lisboa Story Center.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
national pantheon
Designed by Joao Antunes in the Baroque style, this opulent, 17th century church turned 19th century monument houses some of the esteemed figures from Portuguese history including former presidents and artists (whoever said you couldn’t go places in life making those silly doodles). Chances are you’ve never heard of these people (even most Portuguese are probably confused) but if they’re buried in such grandiose surroundings they must’ve done something right (or in the case of an artist, beautifully wrong).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
Church of São Vicente of Fora
Built on the site of a former monastery which contained the relics of Saint Vincent, patron saint of Lisbon, this 17th century church was commissioned by King Philip II of Spain after ascending to power over Portugal (this country’s under new management) and completed in the Mannerist, or Late Renaissance style. The main altarpiece is the work of Baroque sculptor Joaquim Machado de Castro, (People Magazine’s sexiest sounding man alive, 1755) but the church is more known for the adjacent cloisters, it’s entrance decorated with 18th century titles that tell the story of Lisbon (you’ve heard this story before) capped with an impressive illusionist ceiling. The tiles of the cloisters, on the other hand, tell a story you haven’t heard before (unless you’re a total nerd) - the fables of French poet La Fontaine. A nice contrast to the presidential burials in the National Pantheon are the Braganza royals buried in the Church Pantheon, repurposed after the dissolution of monasteries. It’s not an active monastery, but you can still seek inner peace.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: feira da ladra (Tuesday and Saturday only)
Some call it “the thieves’ market,” ladra meaning “woman thief” (possibly alluding to women wasting their husband’s money on questionable purchases) but ladra actually refers to ladro or a type of flea that is commonly found in antique items (they don’t call it ‘flea’ market for nothing). Thought to have existed since as far back as the 12th century, it was first officially mentioned in the 17th century (probably in the form of multiple unwanted pamphlets, that fell out of the daily periodical). Browse through the stalls of usual flea market fare. You might uncover treasure, or fleas (or years of bitter, hidden resentment from your husband).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
museu nacional do azulejo
The art of Portuguese tile craft, or azulejo, is featured in this museum, housed in a former convent, with a collection of tiles that spans from the 15th century to present day (and which probably re-tell the story of Lisbon). It’s one of the largest collections of decorative tiles in the world (outside of Ikea) serving as artistic inspiration (if not to paint tiles, at least to remodel your kitchen).
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.museudoazulejo.gov.pt for opening times and more information.
BONUS: ponte vasco da gama
Built in anticipation of increased traffic for the 1998 World Fair, this bridge, named after the famous explorer Vasco da Gama, spans the entire Tagus Estuary and was, at the time of its completion, the longest bridge in the world, but it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it, and this bridge with the nearby Jardim do Passeio dos Heróis do Mar, make for sultry sunset porn.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.lisbonlisboaportugal.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LISBON
DAY 2: ()
Castelo de s. Jorge
With human footprints dating back to the 8th century BC, the hill of Sao Jorge is the tallest natural point of Lisbon, affording inhabitants of old a natural defensive position against invaders and for modern visitors, a natural defensive position against photo bombing hordes. Once commanded by Phoenicians and then Romans, the first official fortification was built in the 5th century by the Visigoths (with their edgy Visi-gothic aesthetic) modified under the command of the Moors in the 11th century before being modified again after the Portuguese reconquest with Afonso I in the 12th century (Extreme Makeover: Medieval Castle Edition). Under Portuguese rule, the castle has served as a royal palace, military barracks and currently, as a national monument and museum. With ten towers to explore (and no clue what’s going on here) you’ll want to take the tour, included along with your tickets. Upon your approach is a now dried out moat (crocodiles wanted - inquire within) leading to the main entrance and the Praca d’Armas where you’ll see a replica statue of Afonso I surrounded by a courtyard of antique cannons (accidentally sets off long-dormant cannon, destroying a village in the distance, walks away slowly before anybody notices). Have a nice stroll along the ramparts with excellent views of the city in any direction, but the most unique view is the camera obscura in the Tower of Ulysses. It’s virtual and indoors but gives you a 360 view (and a chance to indulge your inner voyeur).
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.castelodesaojorge.pt for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: livraria simao
The smallest bookstore in Lisbon, and possibly the world, is limited to a mere four square meters, but what it lacks in size, it makes up for in character and charm (it tells itself to sleep better at night). One would think that finding a good book here would be easy but there’s still over 4,000 books to choose from. To make matters worse, it’s so small that no more than one person can fit in at a time, meaning if you’re going inside, you better not be one of those people that likes to walk into mom and pop shops just to have a look around. The owner is watching and talking to you the whole time, there’s no escape without buying - support local business.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
Church of St. Dominic
Dedicated in 1241, St. Dominic was at the time the largest church in Lisbon (it probably felt pretty good about itself back then, but it probably feels pretty stupid and small right now). As one of the early homes of the Inquisition, it hosted many happy occasions such as the execution of Gabriel Malagrida for heresy in 1761, then clearly tried to make up for its past by hosting royal weddings until the establishment of the republic in 1910. There’s not much to marvel inside this national monument, damaged by two earth-quakes and charred by a 1959 fire (I like my churches medium rare) - it’s more about the vibes (also charred beyond recognition).
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.golisbon.com for opening times and more information.
Rossio Square
If you were looking to get some fresh vibes after the charred remains of St. Dominic, you’ll have to settle for fresh air. Also known as King Pedro IV square, Rossio or ‘commons,’ has been Lisbon’s main square (and main squeeze) since the Middle Ages, hosting all types of celebrations, revolts, plus the occasional mass executions over the years. The most important structure to direct your waning attention is the Palace of the Alamadas on the northwest corner, with the red facade. This is where Portuguese noblemen met in 1640 to begin plotting against Spain, which led to Portugal’s independence (all you need is an idea, and nobleman money.)
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.golisbon.com for opening times and more information.
Santa Justa Lift
The fastest way to get from the Baixa District to Bairro Alto, the Santa Justa lift is not just a means of transportation, operating since 1906, but a tourist attraction in its own right (although you can’t help but feel bad for the local guy who’s just trying to get home to his family after a long, hard day of work but has to wait behind dozens of ignorant tourists and their rotten loudmouth children). Built by Raoul Mesnier de Ponsard in a similar style to the Eiffel Tower, there’s plenty to admire on both the inside and the outside. But let’s get real - you don’t care about the building, you’re here for the view and any chance you have to walk less.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.lisbonlisboaportugal.com for opening times and more information.
Convento do Carmo
Founded in 1389, this former Catholic convent and church housed 70 clergymen at its 16th century peak before being destroyed in the 1755 earthquake, with the 1834 expulsion of religious orders adding further insult to injury (God works in mysterious ways, they probably told themselves to avoid questioning their life’s work). The decaying ruin served as a military barracks before serving as the last stronghold of the authoritarian Estado Novo regime before their surrender in the 1974 Carnation Revolution
the church serves as an archaeological museum with the bones of the church as the highlight
tombs of mid 14th century king ferdinand I and fernao sanches, bastard son of early 14th century king dinis I
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.lisbonlisboaportugal.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Bertrand
You’ve hopefully already seen the smallest bookstore in the world, Livraria Simao, and now you can check the oldest bookstore in the world off your Lisbon bookstore centric bucket list. Founded by two immigrating Frenchmen, Pedro Faure and Pierre Bertrand, in 1742, it’s the longest continually operating bookstore according to the Guinness Book of World Records (not to be confused with the tallest bookstore or the bookstore with longest finger nails). There are now over 50 locations spread across Portugal but as for all things that are duplicated for profit, the original has all the charm, and by charm we mean the smell of rotting books and walls.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
praca luis de camoes
In this small but historic square, in 1976, the citizens and soldiers of Lisbon gathered to celebrate their newfound democracy and freedom with their victory against the authoritarian Estado Novo regime (more like ‘estado velho’ now, if you speak Portuguese). The coup was called the Carnation Revolution because it passed without a shot being fired (you can say they “dodged a bullet”) and in celebration, the barrels of the soldiers guns were decorated with carnations (if only roses were available, they would have had a better, more rock and roll ready name for the event). At center is a statue of the 16th century Portuguese epic poet Luis de Camoes. In front of the cafe A Brasileira is another statue of the pensively seated poet Fernando Pessoa, recalling the glory days when the cafe was a hotbed for artists and intellectuals. Nowadays, there’s only so much a struggling artist can afford for coffee and food so don’t expect to find much more than half-baked pastries (and ideas), not that it will stop you from indulging anyway.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.golisbon.com for opening times and more information.
mercado da ribeira
In operation since the 1890’s, the Mercado da Ribeira has long functioned as a food-ingredient market but has recently been given a new “lease” on life through a new tenant, the foodies at Time Out Lisboa Magazine. The classier equivalent to an all-you-can-eat buffet, Time Out Market allows you to sample (or obscenely gorge yourself in) many of the foods for which Lisbon and Portugal is known, all under one roof. You can even find samples from Michelin-star restaurant chefs at fast-food line cook prices (so you can tell people back home you dined on Michelin-star fare - technically the truth). There’s also a co-working space, Second Home, (but it’s unclear how to focus surrounded by gourmet food). Try to beat the dinner rush, or you’ll be forced to eat standing up and look like an idiot doing so, while lashing out at your companions for not getting their shit ready faster. You know what I’m talking about.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
BONUS: Casa das Velas Loreto
One of the oldest stores in Lisbon, Casa das Velas Loreto opened May 5, 1789, the same day as the start of the French Revolution (and more importantly, cinco de mayo). The pleasant aromas of the handcrafted candles go hand in hand with the wood interior to create a perfect recipe for a quaint shopping spree (and maybe for destruction but it hasn’t burned down yet, knock on wood).
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.cazavellasloreto.com for opening times and more information.
Bairro Alto
The “upper neighborhood” might sound snooty but the name refers not to its class status but rather its physical height above the rest of the city. As for its class status it’s not uncommon to find people drinking out of solo cups on the sidewalk (like a frat house but with less unchanneled aggression) especially at night when the neighborhood really comes to life (if you see anyone drinking out of a solo cup during the day, steer clear, they probably have rabies). Bairro Alto wasn’t always the center of Lisbon’s nightlife; it used to be a crime-ridden wasteland, but a 2003 government investment restored the district and banned cars, thus paving the way for outdoor cafes and tourists, starving for both authentic cuisine and experiences (only to find themselves drinking out of a solo cup and unable to hold their liquor, just like at home). Don’t come too early (much like yourself, it looks better with less light).
Visit www.lisbonlisboaportugal.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LISBON
DAY 3: ()
Church Sagrado Coracao
A minor basilica and Carmelite convent, Sagrado Coracao was established in 1779 by Queen Maria I of Portugal, a result of a pact she made with an image of Jesus (not legally binding but sure) in exchange for granting her an heir, who died in infancy after the church was already under construction (classic bait and switch). Maria did end up birthing a son, Joao VI, but with this church, she truly cemented her legacy, literally (with a big dome, and intricate marble patterns) and physically (she’s buried at right transept).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
parque EDUARDO VII
Named after Edward VII of the UK, who visited Portugal in 1902 to improve inter-country relations, this park was originally called Liberty Park (all part of the UK’s plan to colonize, or “liberate” Portugal, any day now). The “Central Park” of Lisbon is a place for walking, relaxing, and pretending you’re a local Lisbon-er (lesbian?) even though you’re surrounded exclusively by other tourists.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Estufa Fria
The “cold greenhouse” was built in 1933 on the site of a former basalt quarry, after the discovery of water, which made it difficult to extract rocks. But when one door closes another door opens (except in your case, all doors remain closed); the damp caverns made for the perfect soil for sheltering high-maintenance plants (can’t live with them, can’t live without them, literally). The “cold” refers to its lack of heating, which provides the ideal climate for certain plants, whereas you can find other plants in the adjacent “hot greenhouse” or “sweet greenhouse” (missed opportunity for a pastry shop), perfectly adorned with waterworks and statues.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
Caluste Gulbenkian
Named after the oil magnate, this museum houses Gulbenkian’s personal art collection, one of the largest private collections in the world (you wouldn’t expect anything less from such a name). “Only the best,” he demanded of his curators (under threat of splashing hot oil in their faces), resulting in a dual collection, one from antiquity and one of European art (basically everything), with noted galleries featuring works of Venetian painter Francesco Guardi and French glass sculptor Rene Lalique. The building itself is unique in that it was built specifically to house these pieces so from inside, you’ll see views of nature surrounding the art; from outside, you’ll see views of nature surrounding the building (subtly reminding that nature will eventually swallow us whole).
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.gulbenkian.pt for opening times and more information.
BONUS: Faculty of medicine, university of lisbon
The largest and best-ranked university in Portugal has origins as far back as the 13th century, and while there’s certainly much to see in the way of the campus and architecture, what’s more beautiful than admiring the preserved head of Portugal’s first known serial killer. Diogo Alves would infamously ambush people on their way home from work, atop an aqueduct, robbing them of their belongings and pushing them to their deaths (then rinse and repeat 70 times over three years). He eventually moved up to home burglary and murder before moving down to getting caught and executed in 1841. His head was preserved as part of the growing interest in phrenology, a now-pseudoscience (take notes, Goop and Dr. Oz), proposing that personality traits could be observed in physical parts of the brain. You can say they wanted to see what “made him tick” but all they have to show for it is a pickled head.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
BONUS: Jardim Bordallo Pinheiro
Featuring the works of 19th century artist Rafael Bordallo Pinheiro, this sculpture garden doesn’t contain any classical Greek or Roman style busts, but rather cartoonish-styled insects and small creatures. What it lacks in pretension in makes up in whimsy.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Palace Fronteira
Built in 1671 for the 1st marquis of Fronteira, Don Joao Mascarenhas, (heyy Mascarenas!), this palace was intended to be used as a hunting retreat (the only more insulting minimalist use of so much space would be as a royal port-o-potty). The title of 1st marquis was granted to Don Joao by King Afonso VI for his military prowess against the Spanish in the Portuguese Restoration War, which is notedly depicted on the tiles in the palace’s Room of the Battles (not pictured: the marquis’ inner battles). If it’s nice out you may want to spend more time in the gardens, highlighted by a collection of statues representing the planets, (or artists formerly known as gods, with Pluto still absent) and tiles of monkeys roleplaying music teacher, doctor, etc (not pictured: monkey as world leader).
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitlisboa.com for opening times and more information.
Panoramico de Monsanto
The Restaurant Panoramico de Monsanto (referring to nearby Monsanto mountain, not the American frankenfood conglomerate) opened in 1968 but only lasted two years before closing down (maybe they did poison their customers with Monsanto corn syrup). The space operated briefly as a nightclub but now sits abandoned - why would we so cruelly recommend you visit an abandoned restaurant (especially after working up an appetite of unmet food desire all day)? It’s five stories of 360 degree Lisbon panorama, each floor with a massive mural commissioned for the restaurant. So no food, just food for thought; and you can eat up the views.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
Aqueduto da Aguas Livres
The aqueduct of the free water is one of the great feats of Portuguese engineering, commissioned in the mid-18th century by King John V, to address the lack of drinking water (compare that to the feats of modern American engineering, such as Dakota oil pipe line to address the lack of poison water in Flint Michigan). The flow’s over folks but you can walk atop it; watch out for serial killers.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
ALTERNATIVE: Amoreiras 360 Panoramic View
If the free and unhindered five-story views of Lisbon at Panoramico de Monsanto don’t cut it for you and you feel like you need to pay for a view, from a sanitized platform, not to mention over 200 shops and 50 restaurants, here’s a view for sick people like you.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.amoreiras360view.com for tickets, opening times and more information.